Feeling selfish and bummed….long…

posted 2 years ago in Rings
Post # 2
Hostess
15072 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That just reimbursement for monies you already laid out. You spent YOUR money. 

Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper

You bought the RHR with money from your ex that was for child support. It’s not the same as your ex buying a ring for you. I agree with PP that you are just rearranging your finances so that you can pay for the ring. FI commented that it’s almost like your child is buying it for you, not your ex. On a side note, the money could also do some good as a college fund set up for your child.

Post # 4
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

While I can see your point (it’s logical), I can understand your husband’s feelings.  Perhaps he might be open to purchasing this RHR for you himself and putting the child support deposit into a college fund, or savings, for your daughter?

Post # 6
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

I think your husband is being a bit ridiculous… It’s money that is yours and your daughters. Your ex Didn’t buy you a ring… You worked hard, supported your daughter alone for years, used your money to provide all she needed! This is a gift to you for doing all that. if he had been paying child support all along, you’d have saved to buy it… Consider this a savings! 

Post # 7
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Your ex did not buy the ring – YOU did. With money he owed you. Because you paid bills he was supposed to help pay. It is YOUR money because YOU earned it. With your husband’s logic nothing he buys the family  is from him but rather from his employer because the employer supplied the money.  Don’t return the ring. Don’t let him guil or manipulate you. It is YOURS. 

Post # 8
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

buggy09:  You want honesty? Personally I would be pissed not because of what your DH thinks but because you bought something for yourself where any money you receive from your EX albeit arrears should be going to your child not for yourself.  That money by all rights should be going for say your childs education to their needs.  

Post # 9
Member
13005 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

He’s being ridiculous.  This is just money owed to you.  What you choose to do with it is your choice.  If you want to buy a ring, you should be able to.  The ex is not essentially buying you the ring, it’s nothing even remotely like that.

Post # 12
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

buggy09:  While she maybe set you could have set the money set up in fund for later down the road. I get it being a single mom is hard especially when the other parent isn’t there in physically or monetary.  My BF, was in your shoes and I saw her struggle and the dad of her girls did everything possible she wouldn’t get money. Both her girls are now over 18 and finally got the back support, the money went to each daughter for of their own use.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My mom spent all of her child support money on acrylics and lattes because she felt she deserved it since she was a “hard working single mom” (25 hours a week with a Habitat for Humanity house and three child support payments – yeah, she worked real hard).  I had no money for college or extras and had to get a job at 14 to support the sports, rush fees, and additional college testing I wanted to participate in.  Just saying – yes, you deserve a pat on the back for being a good mom, but you chose to be a mom and you should do your best with or without reward.

As far as I’m concerned since you are married, your finances should be joint, so any money that is “yours” is also his so I get his feeling of discontent about how those funds are being allocated.  I mean, how much of his income is spent on your kids?  I also feel like getting a RHR (what you really want in a ring, the ideal ring) is a slap in the face to whatever engagement and wedding rings he bought you, and at the expense of your ex no less.  I get it.  I get both sides.  He’ll get over it probably.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You, and your husband, sound like responsible and incredible parents.  Your thought process is completely logical but perhaps the disconnect is coming from the fact that your husband’s reaction is not from logic but emotion.  Being a step-parent is extremely emotional – you have an emotional and financial responsibility (if you’re a good step-parent) but no legal rights and therefore feel out of control with regard to the life of the child you love.  Anything with regard to your ex, child support, and your daughter is most likely going to create an emotional reaction so strong logic takes a back seat, especially since the ring was purchased with child support money and without prior discussion (thus triggering his feeling of “lack of control”)….men aren’t always the best at understanding and expressing such emotion. 🙂

Your logic is sound and you have every right to purchase whatever you’d like. However, your husband sounds like a rare, amazing step parent.  Perhaps honoring his emotional reaction and opinion is the best way of  thanking him for being the man he has been for you and your/his daughter.  He also sounds very generous and might be open to picking out a RHR with you and purchasing it with the money you would have both put into your daughter’s monthly fund (and funding those months with the child support deposit).  

Post # 15
Member
7214 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sassygrn:  I don’t agree thst the back money never supplied by father and therefore supplied by the single mother when repaid isn’t hers. 

Of course, if the children were in need that would change things. But when a woman has sacrificed for her kids all their lives with a deadbeat dad, that support  came from only her money when it should have come in part from his. if she wants to get a ring for herself after all of that, good for her. 

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