Post # 1
I know I’ll probably get some negative feedback and that’s okay just remember I’m human.
So I was a single mom for many years before I met my husband. The absent parent didn’t pay child support and the arrears kept adding up. In the last 6 years he was required to pay a small amount and very little toward the arrears.
Well recently I received a large deposit. I was very surprised and made a decision to purchase myself a rhr. I worked hard for several years to provide for my daughter and I went without any assistance. I had a good job and was able to provide a decent life for the two of us. I looked at it like it was a gift to me for being super mom.
Fast forward 6 years and I have a wonderful husband who gives us the world and then some. Well I told him tonight and he’s really upset. He said he doesn’t want me wearing a ring my ex basically bought. I don’t see it that way at all. If the ex had paid child support all those years ago I’d have purchased it before now because I’d have been able to. Was I wrong to think thiswould be alright? Is my husband overreacting?
I want honest opinions and advise….please…
Post # 2
That just reimbursement for monies you already laid out. You spent YOUR money.
Post # 3
You bought the RHR with money from your ex that was for child support. It’s not the same as your ex buying a ring for you. I agree with PP that you are just rearranging your finances so that you can pay for the ring. FI commented that it’s almost like your child is buying it for you, not your ex. On a side note, the money could also do some good as a college fund set up for your child.
Post # 4
While I can see your point (it’s logical), I can understand your husband’s feelings. Perhaps he might be open to purchasing this RHR for you himself and putting the child support deposit into a college fund, or savings, for your daughter?
Post # 5
We have money set aside for her monthly in a separate account. Its something I always wanted and I just didn’t think it through properly. she’s a teenager now and there’s still several thousand in arrears he has to pay. She has never wanted for anything. I always provided what she needed and then some. I’m torn now as to whether or not I should just return it. It sucks I finally have the RHR ring I’ve always wanted but then again if my hubby doesn’t want me wearing it, what’s the point?!?!
Post # 6
I think your husband is being a bit ridiculous… It’s money that is yours and your daughters. Your ex Didn’t buy you a ring… You worked hard, supported your daughter alone for years, used your money to provide all she needed! This is a gift to you for doing all that. if he had been paying child support all along, you’d have saved to buy it… Consider this a savings!
Post # 7
Your ex did not buy the ring – YOU did. With money he owed you. Because you paid bills he was supposed to help pay. It is YOUR money because YOU earned it. With your husband’s logic nothing he buys the family is from him but rather from his employer because the employer supplied the money. Don’t return the ring. Don’t let him guil or manipulate you. It is YOURS.
Post # 8
buggy09: You want honesty? Personally I would be pissed not because of what your DH thinks but because you bought something for yourself where any money you receive from your EX albeit arrears should be going to your child not for yourself. That money by all rights should be going for say your childs education to their needs.
Post # 9
He’s being ridiculous. This is just money owed to you. What you choose to do with it is your choice. If you want to buy a ring, you should be able to. The ex is not essentially buying you the ring, it’s nothing even remotely like that.
Post # 10
Sassygrn: I appreciate your honesty. however, my sweet girl has everything she could possibly need and or want. We have prepared for college. She’s a senior in hs, we purchased her a car with cash (no financing), doesn’t work so she can concentrate on school work, and play sports pretty much year round. I honestly don’t feel any remorse for this purchase for myself. Manly I’m upset with myself for not discussing with my dh and then angry with him because he sees it as me wearing a ring my ex purchased.
Post # 11
Thanks ladies. I feel a little better. I’m still unsure if I should keep it though because I don’t want it to be awkward if and when I wear it. my dh went to bed. its crazy because he’s never really been angry with me and I can tell he’s pretty upset 🙁
Post # 12
buggy09: While she maybe set you could have set the money set up in fund for later down the road. I get it being a single mom is hard especially when the other parent isn’t there in physically or monetary. My BF, was in your shoes and I saw her struggle and the dad of her girls did everything possible she wouldn’t get money. Both her girls are now over 18 and finally got the back support, the money went to each daughter for of their own use.
Post # 13
My mom spent all of her child support money on acrylics and lattes because she felt she deserved it since she was a “hard working single mom” (25 hours a week with a Habitat for Humanity house and three child support payments – yeah, she worked real hard). I had no money for college or extras and had to get a job at 14 to support the sports, rush fees, and additional college testing I wanted to participate in. Just saying – yes, you deserve a pat on the back for being a good mom, but you chose to be a mom and you should do your best with or without reward.
As far as I’m concerned since you are married, your finances should be joint, so any money that is “yours” is also his so I get his feeling of discontent about how those funds are being allocated. I mean, how much of his income is spent on your kids? I also feel like getting a RHR (what you really want in a ring, the ideal ring) is a slap in the face to whatever engagement and wedding rings he bought you, and at the expense of your ex no less. I get it. I get both sides. He’ll get over it probably. Good luck!
Post # 14
You, and your husband, sound like responsible and incredible parents. Your thought process is completely logical but perhaps the disconnect is coming from the fact that your husband’s reaction is not from logic but emotion. Being a step-parent is extremely emotional – you have an emotional and financial responsibility (if you’re a good step-parent) but no legal rights and therefore feel out of control with regard to the life of the child you love. Anything with regard to your ex, child support, and your daughter is most likely going to create an emotional reaction so strong logic takes a back seat, especially since the ring was purchased with child support money and without prior discussion (thus triggering his feeling of “lack of control”)….men aren’t always the best at understanding and expressing such emotion. 🙂
Your logic is sound and you have every right to purchase whatever you’d like. However, your husband sounds like a rare, amazing step parent. Perhaps honoring his emotional reaction and opinion is the best way of thanking him for being the man he has been for you and your/his daughter. He also sounds very generous and might be open to picking out a RHR with you and purchasing it with the money you would have both put into your daughter’s monthly fund (and funding those months with the child support deposit).
Post # 15
Sassygrn: I don’t agree thst the back money never supplied by father and therefore supplied by the single mother when repaid isn’t hers.
Of course, if the children were in need that would change things. But when a woman has sacrificed for her kids all their lives with a deadbeat dad, that support came from only her money when it should have come in part from his. if she wants to get a ring for herself after all of that, good for her.