Post # 1
I feel silly writing this post because it seems superficial and materialistic and my fiance and I really want the sacrament of marriage to be at the center of our day along with the experience of our guests, but I can’t seem to get out of the “It’s my wedding/it’s once in a lifetime/money be damned” mindset! I went to a lovely wedding once that was only around $6K, but it was beautiful and we had the best time; you could see how happy the bride and groom were and even though the food wasn’t great, I still remember what a great night it was. We also went to a wedding that was beautiful and clearly expensive, but not very fun. Maybe it’s because I spend so much time on Style Me Pretty, but I have a list of stuff I feel like “I must have!” including, but not limited to, Chanel Gardenia wedding perfume, envelope liners to fit the theme of our wedding since our invitations are very simple, a bridal portrait illustration from my favorite illustrator (I adore Inslee!), beautiful wedding/honeymoon lingerie (saving it for marriage–kinda feel like I deserve it!), robes for my bridesmaids (not necessarily Plum Pretty Sugar since they almost seem cliche, but something lovely), a vintage car for our getaway (my photog wants to incorporate a vintage car into my boudoir shoot so it seems fitting to have one for our getaway), videographer (although I’ve settled on forgoing this since we’re splurging on our photographer, but I’ve read this is something people regret not having). I also want to updgrade our liquor since our bartender says the house liquor won’t make a decent signature cocktail (which makes me wonder if we shouldn’t just stick to beer/wine)….It’s silly because we’ve already splurged on so much–our amazing photographers, my beautiful Jimmy Choo heels, honeymoon in Tahiti. I just get frustrated because I’m in grad school and if I was working, this wouldn’t be a huge deal. I realize more expensive doesn’t make a better wedding and the wedding industry does try to sell us this lie that our weddings must be picture perfect, but it’s hard for me to let go of these things. My parents have been so generous and my fiance totally spoils me and wants me to have the wedding I want, but he’s also very financially responsible and hates consumerism so it’s hard to find that balance. Do any of you feel sucked into the wedding industry? There are so many costs you don’t anticipate when budgeting, but weddings really don’t need to cost $30K!
Post # 3
@vanessa7: Don’t feel bad. This industry is vampiric. Their whole M.O. is to try to appeal to your base fears and emotional wishes, to try to bypass or turn off your logic as much as possible, and they spend millions on it every year. Not just ads, but editorials and blogs and then they do a great job and people help them for free, it’s like a virus.
When you start feeling the pull toward fancy liquor (guarantee your guests won’t notice if you get the regular stuff), fancy perfume (there’s cheap stuff that smells just as great) etc. etc. just try to relax, take a few deep, slow breaths, and focus on your logic. Ask yourself why you want it, who will notice if you splurge (often the answer is no one, making splurging silly), and how much of a difference it will really make to you.
There’s no mandate that you must do everything as cheaply as you can, but being happy on a budget depends 100% on your ability to prioritize, picking a few big things that matter a lot to you, and just letting go on the rest.
Post # 4
I felt (still do now) that way too. When I just got engaged, I browsed many wedding blogs looking for tips for wedding planning. Along the way, I was “inspired” with the many pretty things I saw there.
Now that I’m in actual planning, I don’t have so much time to look at the blogs anymore, and some of the things that were absolutely must-have now felt over-the-top. There are other factors that help me to cut-down my “want” list. First and foremost is budget. Next is preparing our first home. Furnitures and renovation can be costly, so I’m really trying not to spend more than what we have agreed. I had that “it’s once in a lifetime/what’s the point of having money if not for using it” mindset, but got to go back to reality now.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
I never thought I’d fall into the trap but I just can’t help compare my vision of my wedding with others’ (including on weddingbee) and want the best! I’ll only get one chance etc etc.
I often have to give myself a mental slap and think ‘none of the guests will even notice ___, so why spend money on it?’. I think small details such as personalised coat hangers are totally unecessary and something no one would have ever thought of until it got overhyped on pintrest.
Post # 6
I would pick a “splurge” budget, estimate costs of those items, prioritize them, and pick a handful. Think about what you will really care about later. Are either of you “into” vintage cars? If not, it seems silly to prioritize them on your wedding day. Are you likely to use the rest of your bottle of designer perfume, or wear those Jimmy Choos again? Do they fit into your regular lifestyle? Then maybe you can justify them. (Personally, I never wear perfume — my husband can’t stand it — and I have bad feet and can’t wear heels, so I would never splurge in those items.). Do you really think your guests will care about your envelope liners? Or having a signature drink? (Those sorts of cocktails are usually way too sweet for me, so as a guest I would be more interested in your wine selection anyway. Very few people touched the hard liquor at our wedding, though that is probably crowd-specific.)
It’s easy to get caught up in that stuff, but it’s not *that* hard to force some perspective on yourself, especially if you confront the cold hard cash reality. What do you think you might actually care about a year later? 5 years later? 20 years later?
I am familiar with the tendency to want everything to be a certain caliber, but sometimes when I go overboard I wind up feeling disgusted with myself. If every single detail is extra special then the specialness winds up being diluted and you won’t actually appreciate it as much.
Post # 7
While DH and I were having the (separate) interviews with the Registrar that are an essential part of giving legal notification of our intention to marry – something necessary in the UK to avoid bogus marriages – we both found ourselves idling flicking through a glossy little wedding brochure that had been left artfully on the table. This brochure being produced by the Registration Service but sponsored entirely by advertising.
I came out from my interview to an astonished DH who said, with deep irony, “We’re doing it all wrong! Where’s the caricaturist, the chocolate fountain and the string quartet?” We both laughed uproariously at the various unecessary but spectacularly expensive “essentials” and carried on planning our simple but perfect day.
The point of this is that brides and grooms are assailed everywhere (even a local authority Registry Office!) by an industry that is sustained, much in the manner of a vampire, by sucking the cash out of wallets. The industry creates an often entirely unrepresentative vision of the “perfect wedding” then sells it as cynically as possible to people who may well be at their most susceptible given everyone’s desire for their wedding to be as wonderful as possible. Once people have been cluster-bombed with Pinteresting wedding visions, luscious bridal magazine shoots and the endless advertising of non-essential items as “must haves” it is no wonder that doubt starts to creep in.
At the end of the day (and that’s how long weddings last!) you should plan the day that suits you. Not the day that suits the wedding industry.
Post # 8
We’re doing an affordable, simple wedding. Then, cruising websites for afforable ideas, I got pulled into crazy, vintage, diy world that is neither simple nor affordable (though the styled up pics make it seem that way).
After a near panic attack about how to cover the noticeboards in our reception venue that look a little like padded cell walls, my wonderful FI sat me down. He said we could have the big wedding with all the trimmings if I wanted.
And I remembered, I don’t want that. So, remembered our initial theme – all you need is love. Nothing else, no crazy gimmicks, just us, love, and the support of family and friends. With some wine and beer thrown into the mix.
Just need to focus on the things that are important, and remember that those walls (and the signature cocktail) are not the things people will notice or remember.
Post # 9
Lots of people have simple, beautiful, and affordable weddings. It’s easy to get sucked into all the extras but at the end of the day, the outcome is still the same – you’re married. Trust me, as a wedding photographer I love when couples go all out – it makes my job fun. That being said, all that “stuff” doesn’t mean anything when the wedding is a dud. Meaning, the couple isn’t excited/happy, the guests are on edge, etc. Everyone is too worried about every little detail and what could go wrong that they’re that they aren’t enjoying themselves.
Post # 10
I liked reading apracticalwedding.com when I was planning my wedding (and still do like reading it). Sites like Weddingbee and Style Me Pretty are great for inspiration, but at some point it gets overwhelming. A Practical Wedding is grounded a lot more in discussions of how to make your wedding particularly meaningful in ways that are not dependent on all the extra stuff.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@vanessa7: I know that my mother does not understand it. At all. She doesn’t understand how weddings have turned into such a huge event that costs even $10k. When they got married it was just their parents and a few close friends (10 including themselves) and they had dinner at a restaurant with just parents, siblings, and MOH and BM.
My SO wants something like our friends have had but that would be at least $25k. I would be happier somewhere inbetween. Kind of ironic since I am the one that has really looked at wedding stuff, and he doesn’t want to look at that stuff.
I think it is so easy to get sucked in because of the grandeur and how beautiful everything is that we kind of lose sight of why we are doing this in the first place. The wedding industry has been working on this fr long enough that we expect something like that. Though that’s not to say there is nothing wrong with wanting things – but you need to think whether having that perfume, for example, is going to change your memories of the wedding and the actual day.
I believe it is much more difficult now because we have been bombarded with all these images than ever before.
Post # 12
It helps to remember that the same feeling of need-this-and-this-and-this-to-have-the-perfect-wedding that you’re experiencing is the very same as this bride felt 30 years ago:
Post # 13
I unsubscribed from. every. damn. wedding. blog ever. I don’t need that stress. I’m very happy with how my wedding will turn out. It’s not a show, it’s not a pageant
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
My mom and dad got married at their local church in the afternoon and then served cake and punch to their guests. You don’t have to go all out and make every single part of your wedding day “signature” or stand out. In fact, if everything is meant to stand out then no single thing will stand out to your guests. Figure out where to cut your budget or just go with the basic option and then put your foot down when speaking with vendors. Remember that vendors are salespeople and they make BIG money on weddings because brides and grooms easily give in when they are told that you’re being cheap or mean to your guests by choosing basic options. But you’re not, you’re throwing a party and unless you’re Donald Trump or Michael Jordan, nobody expects you to spend $1,000+ per guest to make them confortable.
Post # 15
@vanessa7: I have an opposite problem. I feel like the wedding industry can try a little harder to suck me in. At first I loved planning and picking out colours and dresses and now I am just procrastinating and finding fun things to do instead of planning the wedding. I want to be married, I don’t really want a wedding. I know FI does which is why we don’t elope.
Post # 16
@vanessa7: You have to realize that wedding magazines/websites are full of propoganda. The wedding industry is a veneer of love/commitment/marriage with an insidious body of capitalistic greed underneath. Of course they want you to spend $30k+, it’s just money in their pocket.