Feeling the Pressure to be the "Beautiful Bride". Anyone else?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

YES! And I’m way further away than you. In HS I used to do pageants (great way to earn scholarships!) and frequently won Miss Photogenic/most beautiful type awards. I’m an entirely different person now (physically and personality-wise). I still love getting fancied up, but how I look isn’t my number one priority anymore.

My mom, on the other hand, can’t stop telling everyone how beautiful I’ll be, how I’m former most beautiful, blah blah blah – I just feel like she’s setting the bar SOOOO high that people will be disappointed.

Post # 4
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

YES!

I just read this article on the very topic and I thouhgt it was great.

http://offbeatbride.com/2013/07/dear-bridal-industry

If you can’t be bothered to click the link, this is the article:

 

 

 

Dear Bridal Industry,

 

I will not allow myself to become caught up in your ideals of what a bride “should” look like. I will not become sucked into your standards of beauty, ones that are different from my own. I will not let you dictate to me what pretty is, and isn’t.

 

Speaking of which, here are more things I refuse to do…

 

I will not let you tell me what to wear, how to fix my hair, or how I should do my make-up.

 

I will not spend nights in tears because I am not “beautiful enough,” or “thin enough” for you.

 

I will not go on a crash diet.

 

I will not refrain from getting my septum pierced for fear that you will tell me it makes me look less-than-bridal.

 

I will not try to hide my stretched lobes, or cover my tattoo.

 

I will not be ashamed of my lopsided breasts.

 

I am me. I look fine just the way I am, and I will not let you tell me otherwise.

 

When our wedding takes place, I will be fully present, and I will do so on my terms — not yours. When I fix my hair, it will look lovely to me and my fiancée, and we won’t care if it doesn’t look lovely to you. When I apply my makeup, I will gingerly avoid my multiple nose piercings so as not to irritate them, and I will love the way they look. When I put on my wedding dress, I will say to myself, “Self, you are pretty fucking hot, and you rock this dress.” When I look down at my tattoo, I will remember that I have chosen to adorn my body with badass artwork that has meaning to me, instead of trying to conceal it shamefully.

 

When our wedding takes place, my fiancée will be fully present, and she will do so on her terms — not yours. She will fix her kinky hair the way she always does, and I will think it looks even more perfect than it normally does, even though she won’t do anything different. When she smiles at me as we see each other for the first time that day, I will love the adorable gap in her teeth that makes her smile unique, just like I always do. When she puts on her suit, she will look beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and all the words that are only supposed to apply to someone wearing a wedding dress. When I walk down the aisle and see her in her Cho’Gath hat, I will smile because she was brave enough to partially cosplay at our wedding.

 

In some ways, my fiancée and I will fit into your bridal mold. But in many other important ways, we will not. And even though not everyone may think we paint the picture of beautiful, blushing brides, we will resist the pressure to be anything that we are not.

 

More important than that, we will love the way we look, and we will rock our own individual styles. We will be proud of who we are, and we will not feel less beautiful for it. Most of all, we will not shyly ask, tails between our legs, “Do you think I would look less pretty if…”

 

You see, Bridal Industry, we do not owe it to you to be pretty. We do not owe it to anyone.

 

Our mantra, instead, will be this quote borrowed from Erin McKean:

 

 

You don’t have to be pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female.”

 

On my wedding day, I will be beautiful in my own way, and so will my fiancée, and we won’t owe you a damned thing.

 

Post # 5
Member
8821 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I looked back at your engagement photos and you ARE beautiful! Try not to think about the camera, be in the moment and you will get some of the most amazing candid photos 🙂

Post # 6
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Half of your photos won’t be posed. Often people find the most flattering pictures are in those moments where they just don’t expect it on some level. Believe me, even those who are not photogenic will find a beautiful photo of them when a million photos are being taken of them. A great photographer will find your best angles and lighting. A great photographer can bring the best out in anyone.

I can absolutely relate to how you feel though, as I truly lack self confidence on so many levels. I’m the baby of the family, and I still feel like the ugly duckling staring out at all of these beautiful women in my family. Even though my body has changed (though I did gain weight this year), I carry the same emotional distress and negativity about my body. Is it healthy? no. Is my perception of myself true? Nope. I feel negatively about my body because it’s how I’ve grown up with myself, and in many ways I feel like you must feel something similar. Your perception of yourself isn’t what everyone sees.

In all honesty though, your FI loves you and finds you beautiful. He wouldn’t be marrying you if he was not attracted to you. His eyes are going to be on you, and he will find you just as beautiful on your big day as he would any other day, because you are someone he loves. All that matters that day is what you two think of your wedding.

No one is there to judge you and compare you to some beauty queen that the majority of us can only dream of ever looking like. Everyone wants to be there to celebrate your big day. Everyone just wants to come together to see two people in love, share their vows with each other and express their undying love and commitment to each other.

Truly though, you are not “just you” on that day. You may not feel so amazing right now, but on that day, you will look amazing and be special to everyone. You will be beautiful on your wedding day, as you are beautiful today. Even if you don’t think so.

EDIT:

I just saw your engagement photos. You are BEAUTIFUL! My goodness girl, you have nothing to worry about.

Post # 7
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

I also just looked at your engagement photos and you and your fiancé are adorable!  You have nothing to worry about.  You will make a beautiful bride!!  Try not to stress, maybe find an exercise you enjoy (yoga/running work best for me) to help you relax and boost your confidence a bit.  I always feel better when I’ve been exercising regularly 🙂

Post # 8
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I completely understand how you feel. I have cried because the scale wouldn’t budge, Hoped for a job that had dental benefits so I could get my teeth straightened. Basically I have wished I looked like someone else 🙁 

But I bet we will all find some pictures that capture us at our best.

Post # 9
Member
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@gingernutjo:  I am worried. I am an insecure person though, never feeling thin enough for everyones approval. I understand your feelings… But what you have to remember is that your TRUE friends & family who love you & your fiance SHOULD be the only people you have on your facebook & in your life to see your photos — & no matter if your hair is messy, or you arent 100% perfect looking that day, the people you love will see you as the most beautiful bride ever. Your happiness & smiles that day will make you exude beauty either way. Hang in there. Btw, your eyes are GORG. They will be amazing in your photos!!

Post # 10
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I had been feeling the same.  I kept worrying so much about my weight that every day I got closer to my wedding, the worse and worse I felt that I wouldn’t be at my goal.  I now officially weigh more than I have in a full year.  I lost about 60lbs in the past three years, and now I have gained about ten back.  My dress came in big for some reason so it is not that big of a deal but I still couldn’t help but stress over it every single day.  As of about two weeks ago, I realized just how stupid I am being.  Of course I would love to be my thinnest on the day of my wedding, but just think how many people aren’t.  I was stressing myself and my fiancé out with my worries about my appearance but now that I have accepted things, I feel SO MUCH BETTER.  I just want everyone to see how happy and in love I am.  I am still amazed about this 180 in my attitude and I hope it lasts until my wedding… 6 weeks!  Just remind yourself, it is about you and your soon to be husband. Not the people looking at your pictures on facebook, especially because you probably didn’t even care enough about the majority of them to even invite them to the wedding.  I don’t think there is such a thing as an ugly bride.  If you are that happy inside, everyone will see it on the outside.

Post # 11
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@gingernutjo:  I’m not worried.  My fiancé is marrying me for me.  He loves me for who I am and I am beautiful in his eyes always.  I plan on doing my own hair and makeup and just be me.

Post # 12
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes! A million times yes! I’m feeling a ton of pressure to be slim and beautiful and its wearing on me. I was much slimmer in high school and the first few years of college, and I’m feeling tons of pressure from my parents to get back to that weight before the wedding. I’m now counting calories, cutting back, and working with a personal trainer three times a week. Sometimes I really want to just tell everyone to shove it and f*ck off, but deep down, being slim and perfect on my wedding day (and beyond) is kinda important to me. I know this behavior probably isn’t the healthiest and I’m actually considering therapy to try and deal with some of it. My FI, bless him, loves me for who I am and only wants me to be happy. He’s my voice of reason and I’m so thankful for him and his positive attitude. 

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@gingernutjo:  I lost 22 pounds for our wedding, and all the stress and freaking out made the months before the wedding terrible!

And on the honeymoon I WAY overate and gained like 10 pounds back right away!

Post # 14
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Well, right now I would be the fat bride, so, yeah, I do. A lot.

Post # 15
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@gingernutjo:  I lose sleep over this.  And my compulsion to lose weight, and deal with my hair that is going grey, and my teeth which I hate, and the wrinkles that I am starting to get.  I wish over and over again that I would have met my SO 15 years ago, when I was still young.  Now that I am 42, I feel like no matter what I do I will never be “pretty enough”.

That being said, I looked at your engagement pics, and you are beautiful.  I think we all look at the pictures of the gorgeous young brides, and feel like we don’t measure up.  Our family members remind of who we once were and what we used to look like.   What matters is that your SO loves you, and would think you are beautiful wearing a garbage bag.  You will have fabulous skin, and your hair is beautiful and long!!  Just try to ignore the camera and be yourself, candid shots are the best!!

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