Feeling unfulfilled and lonely in relationship with fiance

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! Have you tried talking to him about? It sounds like some fears are creeping in regarding getting married, which is totally normal imo. My fiancé and I talk a lot but I am sure there are things he does not do that your fiancé might. Not everyone can fulfill all your desires. Good luck! Deep breaths! It will be okay!

Post # 3
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

I think this is def worth thinking about seriously before your wedding, but I don’t think anything you’ve described necessarily spells doom for your relationship. 

First suggestion: talk to your husband about how you feel. Do it in a calm moment (i.e., not right after he tells you to be quiet so he can listen to the news, and you’re upset). Maybe suggest doing date night or something to help you reconnect. It sounds like quality time is very important to you, but maybe it’s not as important to your husband…still he should be willing to bend a bit to help you feel more loved.

Second suggestion: Get involved with some activities in your community so you can meet more people and your FI won’t be your one source of social connection. I just moved to a new city a few months ago and really haven’t met any friends yet either…FI is pretty much my entire social network, so I totally get how you feel. I also work from home, which makes me feel even more isolated. I recently joined a volunteer group and also signed up for a women’s book club meet-up in my area…maybe you could consider doing something like that?

If you do these things but are still having a gut feeling that marrying your husband is the wrong decision, definitely don’t ignore that feeling. But I think feeling disconnected is a thing many couples go through at times in their relationships, and it is something many people are able to work through.

Post # 4
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

monkey84 :  can I ask you a personal question? I am asking bc this sounds like my ex. He made me feel terrible about being stressed about work. For me, the sex was non existent which added to me feeling disconnected. Is that area off at all?

Post # 5
Member
38 posts
Newbee

Oh my gosh I went through this before with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for nearly 9 years, living together for 6 years, so basically married.

I had the same exact issues you are having. I would want to talk to  him, he’d be “busy” scanning facebook, checking his email, instragraming his brother, etc. Any conversations I tried to had were very one sided, and often times he seemed annoyed. It made me feel so sad and lonely. I also have no friends of my own really, and moved to a new state, so no family nearby, so he was my main person I talked to and wanted to spend time with. He also would tell me I talked (my talking was ranting pretty much) about work (or plans for school), but mainly work, too much (well, technically he never phrased it like that, but same point)

What fixed this problem:

1) I enrolled back in school finally. Being isolated from friends definitely is a problem. He probably has other people he can talk with, you only have him. That’s how it was for me. When I started going to college, I had my own things I needed time to focus on, and he wasn’t my main focus anymore. For you, unless you also wanted to go back to school, find a hobby or group that is OUTSIDE the home, that he is not part of. 

2) Main way I fixed this, we talked. I took an evening to gather my thoughts and did a lot of self-reflecting, and then asked him when would be a good time for us to talk that night. During the talk, I told him how I was feeling. Pretty much everything you wrote. After saying how I’d been feeling (using I messages, not blaming him, staying calm and collective), I asked him what he thought. Basically, he told me that he didn’t like me talking about work because I just would go on a long rant, and get mad when he would try to make a suggestion to fix something, or because he wasn’t sure how to fix the problem.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want me to talk, but he was frustrated as he couldn’t solve the problem or I wouldn’t let him. When I explained to  him, that all I wanted to was freely complain, and all he had to say was “I’m sorry, that sucks” or something similar and to just listen.

When we talked about how he would cut me off when I was having a conversation, or when I expressed that I felt he was just trying to make the conversation end, I found out that he thought I was purposely trying to bother him when I thought he was doing something (when I’m in the kitchen, and he’s in the living room on his phone) on his phone or computer. I explained that I really had no idea he was busy, and we set up a system where, if I start a conversation, and he’s doing something, then he would let me know right away, and then once he finished, he would let me know and give me his full attention.

Another thing we talked about was how  he felt that he just needed an hour or so when he came home from work to decompress, and to not talk about anything serious or have a long conversation. We realized the problem was I would be isolated at home all day, dying to talk to him, and he felt bombarded everytime he walked in the door. He compromised by giving me a few minutes to have a long convo or rant about something when he get’s home, and then I would give him space and do my own thing so he could decompress a bit. 

Another thing that helped, being intimate/having sex more frequently. He was also feeling very resentful about the fact that we had been having sex only once or maybe twice a week, if that. He was very cranky about it, which also caused him to be shorter and less patient because he was angry and upset about it. 

Hope this helps! 

 

Post # 6
Member
3524 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

To be honest, my husband and I spend a lot of time doing our own thing.  Like, a LOT of time.  We are both introverted and he really doesn’t start conversations unless he needs to.  When we chat I am often pulling the weight of the conversation just because of who I am.

I will say the fact that you feel lonely isn’t a good sign.  I don’t know if it is just because you don’t feel connected to him or what, but even though I don’t spend much time with my husband I always feel connected to him.

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

monkey84 :  me and my FI have been together for almost 5 years. engaged for 8 months. we normally spend a lot of time together and talking unless one of us is annoying the other lol. we normally text some during the day and spend our nights together. there are times we do our own thing. for example, he’ll play games and ill read. TBH i only have one friend and she normally doesnt have alot of time to hang out with me unless its the weekends. it is not a unrealistic expectation to marry your best friend. my FI is my best friend. i know people say that alot but he truely is. i feel very connected to him. But a few months ago i didnt. i was so stressed with the wedding planning and he just started a new job. it got to where i felt disconnected from him. its like we were on different pages. i sat down and talked to him about it, he didnt understand at first but once i explained it to him he was open to fix it. i realized it was because i was so used to being with him that i missed him. we now have days that are meant just for us, with no distractions like our phones. we had actually stopped going on dates and we changed that. we now focus on doing things together that make us feel intune/connected with eachother if that makes sense. its important to always work on your relationship. i know it can be hard with wedding stuff, working and life. but it does make a difference to put in that extra effort. try talking it out before your wedding. the issue may be easily fixed but id hate for you to go thru with the wedding just to find that its an issue that cant be fixed. so sorry youre going thru this bee!!! good luck!

Post # 11
Member
269 posts
Helper bee

monkey84 :  This same thing happened to my husband and I after almost the same exact length of time and we sought therapy for it which helped a LOT. I’m not necessarily saying that’s what is needed for you two, but I wish we’d sought help sooner. It wasn’t like our entire relationship was broken but a lot of the things I thought we were doing right were things we were doing wrong and it was creating what my therapist calls emotional distance between us. It wasn’t something my husband noticed but something that really bothered me for a long time. It was something that I noticed about a year before things got seriously bad and I honestly wish we’d addressed it then. I thought I could deal with it on my own and it turned out I couldn’t. Things that helped us were consciously planning dates and times to hang out and reconnect and fighting in a healthy way, which sounds counter intuitive but was actually really good for us.

Post # 12
Member
3524 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

monkey84 :  I mean that a lot of times I’m downstairs working on my own stuff and he is upstairs in his office.  We make dinner together and sometimes will watch something on Netflix most weeknights, but that’s about it.  We are both confident in our relationship.  I know if I need him or if I need to talk to him he’s there, and we are available for each other at a moment’s notice no matter what, but we also both like to spend time on our own.  The fact that he’s always there no matter what helps me to still feel connected to him, because he has proven that he is always there no matter what.

Post # 14
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

monkey84 :  did you ever think about volunteering with Junior League? I met my friend while volunteering there and she was very introverted and had just moved here and was really lonely. It is loads of fun and it’s kind of like having automatic friends and plans. 

https://www.ajli.org/

 

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