Post # 1
I am sorry in advance if this is all over the place. It’s taken me a long time to get the courage to write this out and I may be a bit frantic to get it out now.
I have been with fi for many years. Our wedding is less than a year away. The dress is in my mother’s closet and the venue has a deposit on it. The Save The Dates are sitting in my apartment in the box still. I don’t feel as if I can send them out yet. I have been questioning this marriage for about a year and I can’t tell if this is serious or just cold feet.
My fiance isn’t a bad guy. He doesn’t physically or emotionally abuse me. We have fun together and make each other laugh. We have a lot in common and share a lot of the same goals. He makes sure that I’m taken care of and tells me he love sme all the time. He is a great guy and I love him… which is why I feel sick with guilt to even be questioning this.
I do have a few problems with him though. He is very self righteous and always says bad things about people. He makes “jokes” (mimics the accent in a very mean way) about one of my races (as well as other races, but mine irritates me the most) and doesn’t quit when I ask him to. He’s about to graduate and go into a very high paying field. I want to be an elementary school teacher and last night he made a “joke” about how I am probably going to divorce him and take half his money because I am going to be a teacher who only makes $40k a year. When I told him my idea about being a teacher I thought he’d be proud of me for deciding to go back to school…. even though I didn’t want to. Whenever I do something for him it seems like he always says something bad about it before he thanks me. I ordered him the P90X2 video for Xmas (that I knew he wanted) and when he guessed what I got him he said “We didn’t even finish the first one.” then eventually said thanks. I made him spaghetti and even made him meatballs (which I never eat) and he said “These wheat noodles aren’t very good” and when he saw my face drop he backtracked and said that it was good. Sometimes I feel like nothings ever going to be good enough. I also feel like I put in 80% and he does a mere 20%. I have been with him since I was a teenager, and I feel bad that he’s never really had to court me or put in effort for anything our relationship has grown to. I will NEVER know what it’s like to He also lectures me (and everyone) about everything. He’s very fickle with his beliefs and hobbies, but I can honestly say that I ALWAYS support him… but I don’t feel like I get that in return. (Referring to the teaching thing as well as some other things)
I don’t know how to proceed or if I even should. These things have just been eating me up lately and making me so angry at him. Like I said, he’s a good guy. I don’t want readers to forget that. But these things really, really upset me and I don’t know if it’ll change.
Post # 3
Have you talked to him about this have you told him how you don’t feel he puts enough effort towards the relationship, how he’s constantly offensive and hurtful and not supportive enough? Mayeb he needs a wakeup call, tell him how you feel and how you’re not sure you can cope with that for the rest of your life.
Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?
Post # 4
That must be hard for you.
If I were in this situation, I would try thinking about how this will plan out over the years.
If he’s not able to recognize that he’s hurting you now, I’d have no reason to think he’d be able to later.
EDIT: This is assuming you have already told him (although he should know!!!) how this makes you feel, etc.
Post # 5
To me putting you down and making you feel inferior is kind of like emotional abuse. Its one thing to joke about it, but another thing to be serious, and making you uncomfortable.
If you really think this is the man for you, then you need to start taking about these issues and just letting it be known how you feel when he does ____ and how you wish to be treated.
Post # 6
If you start out describing your Fiance as “My fiance isn’t a bad guy. He doesn’t physically or emotionally abuse me.” he may not be the best catch for you.
Post # 7
I feel like I’ve spoken up about all of these issues but they fall on deaf ears. When I bring it up he seems geniunely apologetic and after a few good days it seems to start up again! I don’t know if he is just f’ing with me or is really that forgetful. It’s very frustrating.
Post # 8
Captain013 – I didn’t mean for it to come off that way. I am an active poster on WB and I see many times bees ask about whether the person they’re talking about is abusive. I was just trying to get that question out of the way is all.
Post # 9
I want to say something positive, but some things you’ve said remind me a lot of how my mom and dad interacted–they’re now divorced. He was always very critical of things she did around the house and in general, and even though I know it was his way of being a perfectionist, constant minor criticisms do start to add up to abuse. I guess what worries me the most is the lack of support and pride towards you. At least in my mind, that counts for a lot.
Post # 10
I feel like if you’ve been questioning the marriage for a year, you know it isn’t right. No one knows for sure but you. You deserve to be treated well! Can you imagine the rest of your life being talked to like that? It doesn’t sound happy. I wish you the best with this tough choice. Good luck!
Post # 11
We have some of these same issues. We started going to counseling a couple months ago and wow what a difference! He falls off the wagon of nicety but with practice we will be better. What are his parent’s like? My guy has had nothing but bad examples his entire life and at 35 is just now seeing why he acts the way he does. Counseling really has been the answer to my cold feet, maybe it could help you guys too?
Post # 12
@UnsureThumbelina: You are VERY wise to question this relationship. You should not marry someone just because you’ve been with him since you were a teenager, just because you have some simliar goals, just because you’re already engaged, just because you’ve put money down on the venue, and just because you have already purchased your gown.
Marriage should be forever, and it is challenging enough under the very best of circumstances. Trying to make a marriage work when you believe you’re investing 80 percent of the effort, and that he’s chipping in a mere 20, does not bode well for a successful future. The fact that this man is consistently insensitive to your feelings, is overwhelmingly negative toward your efforts to do nice things for him, and continually refuses to stop making jokes offensive to his own fiance’s culture — even after you’ve repeatedly asked him to stop — shows that he is not behaving in a manner that is consistent with a man who loves and cherishes his fiance. Sadly, there is nothing about him eventually saying “I do” in a wedding ceremony that will suddenly change this behavior.
One of the problems inherent with the engagement stage in our culture is that what SHOULD ultimately be the FINAL opportunity for someone to choose to end a relationship tends instead to become a whirlwind of deadline-driven planning and activity that takes on a life of its own. Even if a prospective bride or groom discovers that he or she is unsure about the relationship, there is a master planning schedule driving the train, and people find themselves afraid to stop it, since money has been spent, plans have been made, people have been told, etc.
Listen carefully to what your GUT is telling you, and make your decisions based upon that, not upon how many plans have been made, how long you’ve been with him or how much money has been committed toward this wedding. A YEAR of questioning is not reflective of “cold feet.” Rather, it’s a HUGE indication that you are not happy in this relationship and that you are deeply concerned about making this commitment.
Post # 13
Give yourself permission to start being the person you want to be now. Make whatever changes you want in your life, and do what you want. Either he will be supportive, or you will quickly realize that it is not working for you. Nothing brings things to a head or settles them for you like pursuing your own destiny. If he is still part of the picture, great–if not you have avoided a lot of heartache and struggle.
It sounds like this relationship has been running on inevitability. You are still young and you need to think about what possibilities you want to pursue and whether he can help you get there. He sounds immature and emotionally manipulative, like my ex, but you need to decide for yourself and do what is best for you. But def some red flags here.