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hmm, this is a toughie. i'm inclined to say that you might not be able to do anything to fix it. you can talk with your guy but i wouldn't necessarily be the one to initiate healing between him and his mother. they need to do that themselves. whenever i had an issue with my dad, my guy would advise me as a third party but ultimately leave it in my hands to decide how i want to proceed from there since i know my dad and our situation better.
as far as the lawn care goes, i would go and just buy your own lawnmower and start taking care of the lawn. i wouldn't depend on his parents since that just brings more drama than anything.
i hope the situation gets better. good luck!
it sounds like his parents are trying to still exert some kind of control over their son - maybe it's hard on them to have to let go and realize their baby is an adult. Just buy the lawnmower you want and if it's hard to afford, really cut down on other stuff for a while. Being on your own and doing your own thing and answering to no one is priceless.
I'm so sorry your FILs are being so awful. I would definitely let your FI handle it though. Obviously talk about it with him, but in the end he should be the one to deal with them, since they will love him no matter what!
I would just go buy a lawnmower. That might help avoid some of this drama!
Ditto what's been said above, especially regarding getting your own lawnmower.
Buy your own lawnmover stat! Let as much as possible of the rest of it be solved by your FI on his own. The only things is that they probably won't yell at you so you'd have better luck pointing out that they "refused to let you borrow the lawnmover".
But in any case, it's not their house and their opinion is irrelevant. Harsh but true.
The relationship on the other hand of course has to be maintained and nurtured. However, I would not allow someone in my house if they could not refrain from cirticisms, we could meet in public restaurants or at their house instead.
Being on your own and doing your own thing and answering to no one is priceless.
Oh yes!! I agree with the others. Let him deal with his mom; if he won't do anything until she apologizes, I feel that's a good thing. He's not apologizing just to make peace. Get your own lawnmower to do as you please. And don't borrow anything from them again!
Wow I'm sorry. I agree, just go buy your own lawnmower & take care of your yard.
I think there's something underlying this issue. I'm not sure what it is, maybe its that they're having a hard time "letting go" of their son... but it doesn't give them an excuse to do that. Maybe they're having house problems of their own, do they rent? Or do they own?
I'd fix your yard up with your own lawnmower & after the yard is not a crazy mess, to have them over & spend time with them. Is the only time your FI calls them is when he needs to use the lawnmower? If so, maybe they feel that you only call them for help.
Definitely go and buy your own lawnmower! It's the easiest solution, and his parents won't have a hold on the two of you anymore!
How far do you live from his home? I ask b/c maybe you lived closer before, and she's upset that you guys moved away...
This is easy. Just buy your own lawnmower and do everything yourselves. Make some time every weekend to weed and mow your lown (and water it). This whole scheme of "borrowing" his parents' lawnmower obviously isn't working out and is just giving them a reason to complain. Take matters into your own hands.
Buy your own lawnmower! Do it today! Take care of your yard and don't involve them at all. This sounds like a powerplay on their part, and you cannot have any part in it. You need to set boundaries now, and part of that is being totally independent from them. This includes being able to mow your lawn whenever you want. She should apologize to him, and he can deal with her outburst however he wants, but the best way to keep the relationship civil is if they have no say in how the two of you live your lives together. Good luck! Have fun lawnmower shopping!
I'm SO sorry to hear about the drama, over of all things the lawn. I definitely agree with the posters above who suggest getting your own lawnmower. I've seen lots of enviro friendly ones, push mowers that are cheap cheap if money is an issue, at least until you can save for a gas/electric one.
I'm inclined to agree with Mr. Bee about the moving away being the root of the issue. I know that my FMIL wants us to move within 15 minutes of her to take care of our not yet existant babies, however we are planning a move more than an hour away for our careers. I'm sure it will turn into a fight, I just hope it doesn't manifest in criticism about our lawn or home. You have given me lots to think about, and things to talk about with my FH!
Good luck with the lawn/FMIL. I'm sure that she and your FH will resolve everything when the time is right. Now feelings are hurt and the fight is fresh. Time always brings perspective and allows silly fights to be seen as they truly are, silly! I hope that in time everyone can air their feelings and move forward!
This is typical parent behavior. Honestly, purchasing a home can really bring out the crazy in people as much as a wedding can. It's definnitely a control issue here and it's clear that your future in-laws don'e believe you have what it takes to be independent.
Whether or not this is actually the case (I personally believe you guys can handle things on your own), it's almost a natual instinct for parents to want to take care of things for you.
My brother actually had to deal with many of the same issues that you're going through when he bought his house. My parents transformed into evil monsters, their behavior was quite uncharacteristic and totally uncalled for. Their reasoning is much of the same of how your future in-laws felt.
At that point, I just told my brother that he needed to go out of his way to make sure that our parents were not involved in any way, shape or form with the house. Their relationship with one another was very strained for quite some time. They didn't even communicate for months on end. But over time, my parents attitudes changed and they backed off (since my brother shoved his independence in their face) and now their relationships is just fine. They treat him with a lot more respect and don't cross boundaries anymore.
I say buy a lawn mower yourself. Don't ask them for help or to borrow theirs anymore and just take care of things yourself. They will come around and when they see you taking care of it all on your own, maybe they will have better feelings all together.
I third buying a lawn mower and doing it yourself. It sounds like his parents are having a hard time letting go... Get the lawn mower and move on. They'll get used to the idea your two are adults :)
buy a lawn mower! I would just ignore the situation, fix the yard up, and have them over for dinner.
I think maybe your intuition hit on a point that seems far more obvious to me. Is it possible that his parents might think that the only reason you ever call them is to borrow the lawnmower? Perhaps his dad mows the lawn himself because he wants to come over and spend some time with his son (not that it's a great way to spend time with someone, but it requires no talking, so it qualifies as "man time"). I would suggest going to their house just to relax and hang out, and at the end of that, ask to borrow the lawnmower (since you're already there). That way they feel part of your lives, and not like you only wanted to call to borrow something.
(As a side note, I don't think that is your intention at all, but it could be what his parents are thinking, and why they're acting kinda crazy.)
And of course, as others have mentioned, just buy your own lawnmower, or at least a weed whacker/trimmer.
Like everyone else says, buy a lawnmower, but if you can't afford one right away, hire a gardener or neighborhood kid with a lawnmower to do your lawn every week until you can save up enough to do it. Basically, take the control out of the ILs hands.
Parents get really sensitive when they see their children actually growing up and no longer following their instruction.
Buy your own lawnmower. Don't ask to borrow anything of theirs house related for a while. There is no need for them to act childishly. Getting your first home together and up and running takes time, I assure you. FI and I are still working out the kinks 3 years in.
Have them over once you're feeling a little more settled. Explain that you know they mean well, but criticism that isn't constructive doesn't help you learn how to manage a home together. And offering to do it for you, or demanding to do it for you doesn't let you learn to work this stuff out on your own. Give them the opportunity to apologize when prompted, but be prepared to not hear what you want. It seems as though the passive agressive attempt to control your yard work, followed by the blow-up is really indicative of something deeper. Maybe they don't think you're ready to own a home, maybe you've done something untraditional they don't agree with, maybe they are dealing with empty nest syndrome, or growing older now that their son is old enough to own a home with someone...who knows?
Even if it doesn't get worked out immediately, buy your own lawnmower, and save yourself the anxiety over the little stuff.
Hope it works out!
Thanks everyone for the advice! It has definately helped put everything in perspective and heartening to see we arent the only ones having to deal with silly little things turning into fights!
We bought a lawnmower and have taken care of half the lawn (All by ourselves!) and only stopped because of rain, the rest will be done this weekend.
his mum did call to apologise, but it was kind of a half hearted one, she basically said "Some people thought I was right, others told me I was wrong so I thought I had better call and apologise" so she didnt take back any of the mean things she said, but ah well! I think at the end of the day, she is just feeling a little sad because her boy (31!!) is growing up and getting his own life. We do see them every fortnight, and we only live 20 minutes from them, but it is very easy for her to feel as if he is a bad son that she never sees because she sees his sister 3-4 times a week because they walk together.
That said, the second the lawn is 100% presentable (wouldn't want to give them anything to criticise!) we will have them over for dinner and I will try to make sure the boy calls her a little more often (although his feelings are still hurt)
Thanks everyone!
His parents are controlling, and you are allowing it.
Yyou are adults. Just go buy the mower
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OK so this may be a long one...
My boy and I recently bought our first house and as it is the first place we have lived with a lawn, we dont have a lawnmower or any of that. We were going to buy one, but his parents insisted we just borrow theirs when we need it. So every time the lawn needs mowing, we attempt to do that, only to be told that his Dad will come out and do it. Which he does... eventually, when the lawn is really high and its difficult to mow and we get a lecture about the state of it!
As its a new place, the backyard has NO grass at all and is overrun with weeds, which we get out there and weed every few weeks. This most recent time though we decided we would chop them down with the lawn mower, weed kill, then lay grass to make it all more mangeable. So, again, we attempt to get the lawn mower and are told that his dad will come and do it.
So he comes out during the week, sees how high the weeds are (which we told him about and that we really would prefer to do it ourselves given the amount of work there!) and got really mad. He told my boy that they would come over Sunday to help us weed. Sunday comes, and it is really rainy in our area and so my boy calls up his mum to say not to bother because of the weather and can he come borrow the lawnmower so he can do it during the week and she absolutely went nuts at him! Saying how irresponsible we are for buying a house when we arent looking after it, how disgraceful our house is and how we should never have bought a house. Then she implied that we couldnt possibly do our own lawns without their help.
We were both really upset by this, because theyve hardly even been over since we bought it and we have been TRYING to take care of the lawn, only to have them tell us theyll do it, which is not what we want.
My boy was really hurt by what she said because she has never talked to him that way before and I am upset because if she feels that way about our yard having some weeds, how does she feel about me? I felt like if she feels this way about our house, how is she going to feel when we get married?
Boy says he isnt speaking to her until she calls to apologise but still, I really don't know what to do to fix this. My first thought was that it had nothing to do with the lawns and how we take care of our house, but more to the fact that she feels she doesnt see him enough?
Any advice??