Feeling upset.

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Umm buying a house with someone is a HUGE commitment there is no way in hell I would agree to that before marriage.  Also when “the time is right” could mean 2020.

Post # 3
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

You need to discuss a timeline with him. I would definitely suggest that an engagement should come before buying a house. 

Post # 4
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Stick to your guns.  Make it clear to him that the time ISN’T right to buy a house and move in together because you’re not engaged to be married.

 

Post # 6
Member
4974 posts
Honey bee

curlywurlybee :  Stick to your guns. My sister wanted engagement first. Her SO wanted a house. They got a house and then she spent the next year angry that she was still waiting for engagement. They got engaged and are getting married next year but it was still a horrible time for her whilst she was waiting.

Post # 7
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It’s important to sit down to have a conversation with him about your expectations, maybe have it in “neutral” territory, out in a cafe or something like that. 

I would suggest just sitting down and say: “honey, let’s talk a bit about the ideas of getting married and buying a house. I have a few thoughts about this that I think we need to go over.” If it helps, write out your thoughts so that they are organized before you talk to him. 

Post # 8
Member
2556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

Next time he brings up buying a house just remind him that while it is something you eventually want to do, the timing just isn’t right for you right now & that you will reconsider once you two are engaged.

Post # 9
Member
3231 posts
Sugar bee

Whenever he brings up wanting to buy a house just remind him that it’s not something you’re willing to consider until you are married or at least engaged. There are financial implications to these decisions and timing as well–if you are paying for a wedding how does that fit with purchasing a house?

Post # 10
Member
28 posts
Newbee

You need to tell him you’re not comfortable with property ownership without a concrete commitment between you. Remember you’re getting into a huge amount of financial responsibility here – I don’t know how it works in other countries but here, you could be paying it off for thirty years – you really don’t want to enter into a situation where your whole financial wellbeing is at stake with someone who isn’t prepared to firm things up.

So how do you bring it up? 

Here’s a few suggestions: 

1. Try and bring up his vision for your buying a home together and in so doing, try and get him to understand the above point/scope out his views. Perhaps the conversation will then more easily move into the marriage area.

2. Be bold and tell him straight that you see him in your future, but that you see your relationship progressing to the next level. He has to understand that this is important to you – some men don’t consider marriage important, it’s the old “why buy the cow when the milk is free” trope.

3. Ask him to give you an idea of where he sees you two in the future, and see if you can get a timescale out of him. The whole deal in relationships is compromise, perhaps you can reach one which meets both your wishes.

Post # 11
Member
4325 posts
Honey bee

When he starts in about wanting to buy a house, answer “I’ll discuss it when the time is right” See how well this sits with him when YOU shut HIM down with a vague answer. Bet he wouldn’t be satisfied or happy with this answer at all- so why on earth would he expect you to be satisfied or happy with such a vague answer on engagement and marriage? 

He’s entitled to not be ready for marriage yet, but you’re also entitled to not want to buy a home with someone without engagement & / or marriage first (I’d feel the same way as you do). He can’t expect to be selfish enough to get his own way on the house while keeping you in limbo on the engagement, he doesn’t get to call all the shots on decisions that affect the both of you very much. Hopefully he’ll realize how unfair he’s being and the two of you can have an open, honest discussion about future goals and timelines. Leave others’ engagements out of the discussion though, I know it’s frustrating seeing others get engaged and married, but it has no bearing on your own relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you’re being errational at all – that’s a very understandable way to feel. Buying a house is a huge commitment – when I got divorced, dissolving the marriage was the EASY part. Dissolving the mortgage took lawyers and years of work costing in the tens of thousands of dollars. It was a nightmare.

If he’s acting like buying a house is less of a commitment than marriage, he’s totally insane. 

Post # 14
Member
31 posts
Newbee

curlywurlybee :  My fiance and I bought our first house 2 years ago, before we were engaged. Now we are getting married. I can see how this can make you nervous as a house is the biggest investment you will ever make, but it could be a good thing. Maybe start renting a place first. That way you can opt out any time if all fails. It is good to see if you can live with the person before marrying him. Just my take on the situation. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
4325 posts
Honey bee

rosieposie3 :  You’re entitled to have your opinion, but I’d be cautious with this. You bought a house with your boyfriend, but he’s now your fiance and you’re planning a marriage. So it all worked out fine for you, as sometimes it does. But there have been many other Bees who’ve posted here about buying a house with a boyfriend who then stalls or outright renegs on his promise of engagement afterward. I do like your idea of renting together first though. 

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