Post # 1
Hello all Bees,
I just need to vent and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. Ignore me if I’m just being irrational and over emotional (which is probable lol).
We are both in our late twenties. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and for the past year, he has made it clear that he would like us to buy a house in the next two years. Personally, I don’t have any intention of living with this man without being engaged and on a clear route to marriage. Although he has said he would like us to get married “when the time is right”, he is more vocal about buying a house. I cannot under any circumstances get into such a serious financial, emotional and life changing decision with someone who wasn’t ready to make a serious commitment to me. I have told him that. Yet he is still talking about living together and buying a house soon but getting engaged “when the time is right”.
I really don’t want to be “waiting” for someone to marry me because I think there’s an incredible sadness about that. Yet I feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. Two of my friends are getting married this year. Bf’s sister is getting married next year and his friend is the year after. I feel like I’m surrounded by people who are head over heels with each other and I hate to say it but I’m jealous. I can’t help but wonder “what’s wrong with me?”. (Again, being emotional).
I feel like he is not ready for a serious commitment but is talking about buying a house to move the relationship further but without going all the way. Almost like postponing commitment but giving me just enough to keep me hanging on.
I know that we haven’t been together for a long time and I know I’m probably being quite irrational here but I just needed to vent. I’ve been upset about this for a while. Thanks for reading.
Post # 2
Umm buying a house with someone is a HUGE commitment there is no way in hell I would agree to that before marriage. Also when “the time is right” could mean 2020.
Post # 3
You need to discuss a timeline with him. I would definitely suggest that an engagement should come before buying a house.
Post # 4
Stick to your guns. Make it clear to him that the time ISN’T right to buy a house and move in together because you’re not engaged to be married.
Post # 5
snookpower : how would you bring up something like that? I’m not the greatest with words and would hate to come across as pushy or as if I was trying to force it.
Although it’s interesting that he has a timeline for buying a house but not one for marriage. Apart from “when the time is right”.
Post # 6
curlywurlybee : Stick to your guns. My sister wanted engagement first. Her SO wanted a house. They got a house and then she spent the next year angry that she was still waiting for engagement. They got engaged and are getting married next year but it was still a horrible time for her whilst she was waiting.
Post # 7
It’s important to sit down to have a conversation with him about your expectations, maybe have it in “neutral” territory, out in a cafe or something like that.
I would suggest just sitting down and say: “honey, let’s talk a bit about the ideas of getting married and buying a house. I have a few thoughts about this that I think we need to go over.” If it helps, write out your thoughts so that they are organized before you talk to him.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
Next time he brings up buying a house just remind him that while it is something you eventually want to do, the timing just isn’t right for you right now & that you will reconsider once you two are engaged.
Post # 9
Whenever he brings up wanting to buy a house just remind him that it’s not something you’re willing to consider until you are married or at least engaged. There are financial implications to these decisions and timing as well–if you are paying for a wedding how does that fit with purchasing a house?
Post # 10
You need to tell him you’re not comfortable with property ownership without a concrete commitment between you. Remember you’re getting into a huge amount of financial responsibility here – I don’t know how it works in other countries but here, you could be paying it off for thirty years – you really don’t want to enter into a situation where your whole financial wellbeing is at stake with someone who isn’t prepared to firm things up.
So how do you bring it up?
Here’s a few suggestions:
1. Try and bring up his vision for your buying a home together and in so doing, try and get him to understand the above point/scope out his views. Perhaps the conversation will then more easily move into the marriage area.
2. Be bold and tell him straight that you see him in your future, but that you see your relationship progressing to the next level. He has to understand that this is important to you – some men don’t consider marriage important, it’s the old “why buy the cow when the milk is free” trope.
3. Ask him to give you an idea of where he sees you two in the future, and see if you can get a timescale out of him. The whole deal in relationships is compromise, perhaps you can reach one which meets both your wishes.
Post # 11
When he starts in about wanting to buy a house, answer “I’ll discuss it when the time is right” See how well this sits with him when YOU shut HIM down with a vague answer. Bet he wouldn’t be satisfied or happy with this answer at all- so why on earth would he expect you to be satisfied or happy with such a vague answer on engagement and marriage?
He’s entitled to not be ready for marriage yet, but you’re also entitled to not want to buy a home with someone without engagement & / or marriage first (I’d feel the same way as you do). He can’t expect to be selfish enough to get his own way on the house while keeping you in limbo on the engagement, he doesn’t get to call all the shots on decisions that affect the both of you very much. Hopefully he’ll realize how unfair he’s being and the two of you can have an open, honest discussion about future goals and timelines. Leave others’ engagements out of the discussion though, I know it’s frustrating seeing others get engaged and married, but it has no bearing on your own relationship.
Post # 12
Post # 13
I don’t think you’re being errational at all – that’s a very understandable way to feel. Buying a house is a huge commitment – when I got divorced, dissolving the marriage was the EASY part. Dissolving the mortgage took lawyers and years of work costing in the tens of thousands of dollars. It was a nightmare.
If he’s acting like buying a house is less of a commitment than marriage, he’s totally insane.
Post # 14
curlywurlybee : My fiance and I bought our first house 2 years ago, before we were engaged. Now we are getting married. I can see how this can make you nervous as a house is the biggest investment you will ever make, but it could be a good thing. Maybe start renting a place first. That way you can opt out any time if all fails. It is good to see if you can live with the person before marrying him. Just my take on the situation. 🙂
Post # 15
rosieposie3 : You’re entitled to have your opinion, but I’d be cautious with this. You bought a house with your boyfriend, but he’s now your fiance and you’re planning a marriage. So it all worked out fine for you, as sometimes it does. But there have been many other Bees who’ve posted here about buying a house with a boyfriend who then stalls or outright renegs on his promise of engagement afterward. I do like your idea of renting together first though.