Feeling upset.

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My FI and I bought a house together before we were engaged, and we had been living together a little over a year.  However, we had also discussed getting engaged and knew that it would be coming soon (he asked my dad the week we moved into our house when he was over helping set up utilites).  Buying a house together is a HUGE commitment, obviously.  If you’re an average person with normal finaces, you’re commiting to a 15 to 30 year loan. You have to be completely open with your finances and future plans (which you should be already if you’re considering marriage) because all of those things will come up when you’re going through the loan process.  Additionally, it’s a huge investment so there will most likely be some arguments about actually picking out a house (his vs yours must haves/deal breakers), so if your communication skills aren’t pretty good already, it’s going to stress your relationship.

I agree with what some other bees have said: if he’s not willing to commit to engagement, tell him you’ll rent from him but you’re not taking on that financial responsibility of a $xxx,xxx loan as a ‘girlfriend’.  There is a big liability (on both of your parts) and most likely significant money will be lost should you break up a year down the line because he decided the ‘time to come around’ for engagement actually wasn’t going to happen.

Post # 32
Member
4325 posts
Honey bee

duchessgummybunns : “Having standards and personal boundaries is the exact opposite of desperate.”    Completely agree. 

curlywurlybee :  “if we are paying for a house then that will become a great excuse to put off a wedding due to financial commitments to the mortgage.”  This could very well be true even if he didn’t intend it to be, he may be under-estimating the cost and commitment of home ownership (we just paid $4400 for a new high-efficiency furnace) and there will always be some new need or want for the house. 

Post # 34
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  yes – aside from the initial investment, home ownership isn’t cheap!! FI and I always joke when something breaks or needs fixing to call our old landlord from our rental – he always got things fixed quickly (and it was free for ustongue-out)

Post # 35
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

curlywurlybee :  TBH I havent read all of the comments, but I just want to say… stick to YOUR beliefs. Your bf wants to buy a house before marriage… cool…but YOU dont, so dont let him talk you into it! Also, just watned to provide some sympathy, waiting for a proposal is HARD. Watching everyone get married around you is hard… but just be happy for them and try to live in the moment! Every relationship has its own timeline! 

Post # 36
Member
4702 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

curlywurlybee :   At first blush it almost sounds as if he wants the house more than the marriage.  In any case, you haven’t been together very long, and he may not feel ready to be engaged – in which case he should not be talking about buying a house with you.   I’d suggest shutting down all the house talk until you are engaged.   Show him what your priorities are and stick to it.  If he doesn’t feel the same, then it is better to find out now, rather than later.  

Post # 37
Member
2898 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Don’t do it!! Buying a house with my ex when he had no intention of marrying me was the dumbest thing I ever did. I made sure with my DH that we had a timetime before moving in together, and made sure we were actually engaged before house hunting. Stand your ground!

If your bf is anything like my ex he will use the house as an excuse to put off the wedding. “I AM committed, look we bought a house together!”. Some guys really just want to buy a house, could care less about marriage, and just can’t afford to do so on their own. 

Also, there is nothing “desperate” about discussing a timetime. This is your future! You need to have an equal say in decisions about your life. Why wait around for ever to get engaged until HE is ready? This should be about BOTH of you. Good luck!

Post # 38
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Honestly, I think buying a house together is a pretty big committment. I can’t imagine that your boyfriend would think about making a 25+ year financial committment with you unless he was serious about your relationship and that he thinks it will be lasting. My DH and I bought a house together when we were just dating (but we had been together about 7 years by that stage). We got engaged 2 years later and got married a year after that.

In saying that, however, I think you need to do what is right for you. If you aren’t comfortable buying a house with someone you’re just dating, then your boyfriend needs to respect this. A house is a massive investment and you both need to be 110% on board for it to work. I think you both need to take a look at this scenario from the other’s perspective – you both have good reasons for wanting each of these things. As PPs have suggested, the next time he brings up the house tell him that it’s not something you wish to talk about unless you can have a serious conversation about your future – this conversation should cover both your future as a couple (ie when you will get engaged) and the purchase of a house, and how these things will work together.

Post # 39
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

curlywurlybee :  before I forget my knee jerk reaction to hearing this was that your BF is excited about the financial investment potential of a house or living somewhere nice. 

Now this is honestly so crazy about when will we get married. I got “when the time is right” too!!! When I asked when he thinks “the time will be right” he said “we will just know”.  This was on our one year anniversary. I could not get a decent answer. 

So…I didnt know what to do so I broke up with him. Yes you heard right. Look I don’t have time to waste bc I want a baby and he’s a grown man he should know what he wants after a year.

I sent him a text out of the blue saying that “I’m sorry but we have been together a year and aren’t engaged and I just don’t feel comfortable dating you anymore”. I was so overwhelmed that I put my phone on silent and didn’t look at it. He called me 17 times and I finally picked up the next day and he asked me if I wanted to get engaged. I said ok. A few days ago on V day he proposed. Just booked our summer wedding last night. What I’m trying to say is that you can’t waste time. You have to be direct and show that you are willing to walk if he can’t get you comfortable. Especially if you want kids. 

Post # 40
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Agree with ppl – too big of a financial risk. Also *when the time is right* for who? Him? What about your feelings on the matter? Rubbish!!

Post # 41
Member
32 posts
Newbee

curlywurlybee :  Next time the conversation comes up I would casually respond “oh I wouldn’t buy a house with a man unless we were married first at least” and then casually move on from the subject like it’s obvious and common sense. Because it is – many women like yourself wouldn’t and doing it this way let’s him know your requirements and standards without being sat down and told directly – he will still very well get the message. This is just an option of how to bring it up.

Post # 42
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee

curlywurlybee :  he would like us to get married “when the time is right”

Seriously? Did he pat you on the head like a 5 year old when he said this? EFF that. Make it very clear that you are not buying a house with anyone until you are married. Period.

You are not desperate. You are an adult with priorities and convictions. Stand by them.

Post # 44
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee

Apparently what he meant by “when the time is right” is that he wants it to be a beautiful to surprise instead of a preplanned engagement.

I call BS. He’s stalling.

Regardless, do NOT look at or buy a house until you are married. You don’t have to be tactful.  State your position, the end.

Post # 45
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

curlywurlybee :  Say that it being a surprise is fine, but that are still not looking at houses before you’re married.

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