Weddingbee boards

Not posting in my usual name. Not sure why, just afraid that if this gets discovered somehow then things will be even worse.

I am feeling extremely shut out by my FI's family. Luckily FI and I live together already or I'm sure it would be impossible to see him. He is always being invited to his parents house or to things in his hometown and I am not allowed to go with him. Even if he's meeting with friends, we must not be seen together so I cannot go. I have gone along with this for 2 years but now that we're engaged and I'm still so harshly shut out all the time I am reaching breaking point.

I have only met his parents a handful of times, and apparently they like me but it doesn't feel that way when they invite him, well INSIST he go to things, without me. Even worse, he has to tell everyone he is single when he goes to things and pretend I don't exist. Apparently this will change once we're married. He will go first thing in the morning and I will be left at home crying my heart out until the early hours of the next morning as I feel so hurt, but also kind of betrayed by this.

Now his cousin is getting married to a girl he knows this month. This girl started texting FI constantly about her wedding and he asked about bringing me. She refused, despite the fact she allegedly has been through the same thing herself with this family and made it clear he has to pretend to be single at her wedding. But she wouldn't just leave it at that, she would text FI over and over about how excited she was to the point that it felt like she was being catty and trying to rub it in that I was shut out. She will be allowed to come to our wedding in a few months, no questions asked. In fact if we didn't invite her we would get a lot of hassle from his family.

Initially FI was very supportive and said he wouldn't attend either. My family have been very welcoming to him, always inviting him to things and he was invited to my cousins wedding before we were engaged and my cousin hadn't even met him! He said we would do something instead and just forget their wedding.

But his dad has been rather bullish and trying to insist that he attend saying that if he doesn't then things will never change and that *I* have to "make the effort"??!! And now FI has been saying how he's upset about not going. He has been making snarky comments about "not being allowed to go" when initially he seemed understanding and supportive. He has also said that it's taken the joy out of our own wedding as he is so sad about not being able to go, yet doesn't seem to understand that I feel just as sad to be shunned like this, for no reason as they don't even know me :(

I don't know if I'm over reacting....I feel it now that FI has been saying these things. But I also feel hurt and lost, but also betrayed. Not just because I feel shut out (although this hurts a lot) but denying I even exist just feels wrong and unfaithful, not in the cheating sense but it's not very loyal to outright deny your wife to be surely?

Can anybody help me make sense of all this? I am breaking down writing this, it hurts so much :'(

Something about his behavior seems odd to me.  Are you certain that what he is telling you about his family is true?  Did something happen in the past that led to a rift between you and his family?

Specifically, these statements you made about his behavior seem super shady.

He is always being invited to his parents house or to things in his hometown and I am not allowed to go with him. Even if he's meeting with friends, we must not be seen together so I cannot go

and 

He will go first thing in the morning and I will be left at home crying my heart out until the early hours of the next morning

Sorry if I am completely off base, but I would never tolerate this from my FI.

@julies1949: It's actually quite a relief to see you say that. I was beginning to question myself over whether I was the unreasonable one. Even though I knew it was hurting me, when FI started getting like this it made me question myself and ponder whether I was being selfish.

I so wish he would stand up to them, but he's afraid that if he does he will lose them. He says if we wait until we are married then it will all be ok and if not then he will stop going too. But I have my doubts now that he's been saying the things about not going to the wedding.

Is this some kind of religious or cultural tradition? I'm confused why ANYONE would put up with this and for 2 years! My SO was ready to intro me to his parents after 6 weeks of dating! There seems to be a lot missing from what you're sharing.

@BodyByViGirl: agree.

I was also wondering if there is some sort of cultural or religious reason why you can not be seen with him, are being ostracized by his family, etc. 

For your own sake you should seriously reassess the dynamics of your relationship with these people. The way your FI and his family are acting is NOT healthy or normal!

@mrs_pugetsound: Yes the pretending to be single part hurts me the most :( I have often said how I am his family now too but apparently not until we're married.

@Baileyh: I have talked to him and he was initially quite understanding but now all that happens is we argue, he gets angry and goes to bed and I stay up crying all night.

@Honeycrispers: I am 100 percent certain as his dad has said it in front of me the last time I saw him. Nothing happened in the past, we're from different towns and barely know each other.

Apparently this will change after we're married, at the moment the family views our relationship as sinful until then. I tried to respect this but it confuses me that FI rejects this view on one hand by moving in with me etc and then on the other says he understands it as it's how he was brought up. It's like he's gone against what he knows/his parents want for me, yet he still embraces it by going there alone and lying to everyone claiming he is still living by their wishes.

@MrsStrawberry24: I promise this is not fake, I can see how it looks.

@Baileyh: Apparently everyone would be nasty to me, my FI and his parents if I did.

@bradleybanana: and @Epyon: Yes it is a religious thing, his parents are very religious. Like I said before though, it confuses me that FI rejects these views on one hand by moving in with me etc and then on the other says he understands it as it's how he was brought up. It's like he's gone against what he knows/his parents want for me, yet he still embraces it by going there alone and lying to everyone claiming he is still living by their wishes. (sorry to repeat myself)

@Pinksapphire: FI tells me if he does stand up to them then we will both be shut out. But in a lot of ways I wish they would do just that, however selfish that may seem.

@BodyByViGirl: I don't know how they explain it either. I know it looks that way but there definitely isn't someone else involved, it's just they view a relationship as sinful until marriage.

@MidnightSun: I am allowed to see his friends apparently, although I have never met them which gets to me a great deal. I am supposedly allowed to meet them as long as it's not in his hometown. I do feel deeply disrespected though, and it's a massive relief to know others can see how I must feel, and how they would feel in my position.

@JM1217: It is a religious thing yes, but like you say I can't understand how he can still act single after 2 years especially when he's lived with me for a year. His parents tell people he's working away though. They know we're engaged but have forbidden us to tell anybody, well in fact they have insisted (and I have heard his dad say this myself) that he has to pretend to be single. He is living a double life, not becasue there is another relationship but because he has one life with me, his wife to be, and another where he goes to his hometown and pretends he is a single guy because his parents want him to.

@hisgoosiegirl: This is how I feel, that I'm fighting them for him. And when he keeps saying he's stuck in the middle as he is getting "bitching" from both sides it hurts me. Why is he not fighting for me? Or at least taking my side instead of putting himself in the middle.

@Baileyh:  "If he can MOVE in with you then he should be able to BE with you." - This is what I try to get accross to him all the time but he doesn't seem to understand. I also try and twll him that just because his parents (and him) pretend it isn't true, doesn't mean it isn't. And I ask why all this lying is not seen as sinful but I never get a straight answer.

@kimbo89: Yes that's what I don't understand. He made the decision as an adult to reject his parents beliefs and go ahead and move in with me yet he still very much bows to their wishes and denies me just so they "look good" in their community.

@Eva Peron: This is what I'm scared of. I know he's said it will and that if it doesn't he will defend me then and stop trying to please them, but I am scared this won't be the case.

This upsets me so much too, I would never leave him crying alone at night. I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that he was. Yet it happens all the time. He just puts it down to me being "fragile".

Thankyou, it feels good to know people can see this from my point of view.

@FutureMrsW2012: It's ok it's not rude at all, this is exactly what I feel too. I feel a lot is being put down to "religion" yet they are going against everything religion is supposed to be about; love and forgiveness. Plus the constant lying is not religious. It's more about keeping up appearances within their community, but it hurts that they put their appearances before not only me, but their own son. I wish I could get accross to him how insignificant this all makes me feel, but I feel like he doesn't understand. His brother is far more ballsy, he took his gf round, didn't care what anyone thought and couldn't give a crap if they shut them both out as he didn't live there anymore. He asked my FI why he cared so much as he doesn't live there either but he just said how he would miss it if it was gone completely. I wish I had the confidence to turn up at their wedding but I just don't :(

@starbuck: thankyou, you make a lot of sense. Once again you've made me feel a bit less insane and selfish over my feelings.

@hisgoosiegirl: That's exactly how I feel. I want to scream it at him "You shouldn't be in the middle, you should be taking my side and standing by me!" Oh they've already started all that, they always say he's too skinny and I don't feed him enough (utter rubbish) and have pestered him over whether I can have children or not.

@DocT: No he is the third of six children. He has an older brother and sister, two younger brothers and a younger sister. Gosh, I really have no idea. I don't want to walk but I hope I would summon the courage to bite back once we were married as I guess their power/control would be less then? But I might just be wishful thinking...

Your feelings should never be seen as selfish, they are your feelings for a reason. What you're FI is doing, is truly unacceptable. I'm really sorry that you've experienced this type of behavior for the past two years and it may never change. There are a lot of things to think about here, the main one being what's going to happen if you have children yourself. Is your son going to have to pretend to be single up until his wedding day. Is your FI, FH going to shun any future Daughter in laws?

It seems like you have a bit of difficulty standing up for yourself as well. What if you show him this thread? It's less confrontational and will give him a chance to process what's going on, especially how you are feeling.

@bradleybanana: Thankyou so much for your words on this. Yes I was afraid about children also but FI has told me it will be different as we will be bringing them up and not his parents and not in the same town. He says that whilst he doesn't agree with all aspects of the things his parents are doing, he understands their point of view as it's how he's been brought up. But I don't think he intends to bring children up this way or even live this way as he's already gone against them by living with me before marriage.

I have huge issues standing up for myself. Weirdly his dad points this out, but only because he thinks my parents are controlling (because they don't agree with his parents views) and that I should stand up to them. Even when I KNOW I am not in the wrong, if I stand up for myself I always end up crying and apologizing. I was just thinking the same thing about showing him this thread, I hope if he sees how many people see it he would understand but he might be cross with me for talking about it online.

@shutout  you don't have to show him the entire thread, start with what you've posted. Sometimes I find that I'm better able to communicate with my SO in writing than I am verbally. I can begin to cry and he has a tendency to get loud. So sometimes I write it down, get it all out there and then I'm able to either say it to him, or give him the letter. It allows for us to start communicating about what's the real issue at hand.

@BodyByViGirl: No it's not an inheritance thing, it's the fact he doesn't want to lose his parents or mostly his hometown. If he goes against them he will not be welcome and he loves his hometown (always talking about how he misses it as he lived there his whole life) and would be very sad to be shut out (despite the fact I feel sad to be shut out too). We're not allowed to say were dating/living together/engaged. We're only allowed to make our relationship known 2 weeks before our wedding day.

@msfahrenheit: I would love counselling. Unfortunately I can't afford it and I don't know if FI would agree to it anyway as he gets cross when even my mother tries to mediate saying she couldn't possibly understand how it is.

@missbeachbum: I guess I've been a push over for a long time :(

@hisgoosiegirl: I need to find the strength to do this. I am terrified to lose him though :( I'm sorry about your dads parents and hope your mom and you are doing ok now, but thankyou for sharing as it is insightful to read how things pan out years down the line. Doesn't look good :(

@bradleybanana: I sometimes do this, write things down or text it instead. At first he seemed to be very understanding and would talk about it. Now he just gets angry, I end up in tears and he says it feels like emotional blackmail and then I feel guilty.