(Closed) Feeling Completely Stressed Out & Could Use Some Advice

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, this sounds awful! I’m going to be honest, it does NOT sound at ALL like your BF is going to propose in the next 2 weeks. I think you need to just take that off the table. It sounds like you have some depression that you’re dealing with and you’re kind of hanging all of it on him. I think you should stabilize your life first — that includes getting the rent help, applying for jobs in your city, etc,  and I strongly suggest you try to get some counseling and maybe also medication — and try to separate your depression from your feeling like you need to be engaged ASAP. then maybe once you are feeling more independent you’ll be able to actually consider whether you still want to be with this guy, whether he is treating you right, and for him to think about what it would be like to be married to you. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have been reading your posts with greater and greater concern — you need to take care of yourself and your daughter and just leave the engagement stuff be for a little bit.

Post # 5
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

Firstly, hugs.  Sorry to hear you’re feeling so unsettled and unhappy about all this.  I agree with Snowflake – the best thing for you to do would be to focus on your own life at the moment.  You can’t control when or whether your BF will propose, so stop feeling like everything you do is dependent on that.  You have to look after yourself first, especially as you have a daughter who needs you. 

My advice would be don’t end the relationship or anything, but just forget about getting engaged and behave as though it’s not happening at the moment.  Your health is the most important.  Focus on you – definitely see the doctor about new meds, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.  Then sort out the rent situation, your daughter’s school, job applications etc based on that number one priority – you! My mum says the most relaxed people are “people who don’t waver.”  Decide your number one priority is you and your peace of mind, and make all your decisions around that.  None of this ‘what if he asks us to move in, I’ll have to change everything’ business.  I know it sounds tough but maybe try thinking like that for just 2 days, and see if it helps you. 

Don’t worry, everything will be ok.  It sounds like things are really tough at the moment but you will pull through.  Take some deep breaths and maybe write up a little plan for yourself for the next 6 months or year.  You know what else might make you feel better?  Read some feminist literature, it will make you feel like you are strong without a man!  You’re doing a great job raising your daughter and have a lot to be proud of. 

 

Post # 6
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

It sounds like you are hanging a lot of your depression and stress on your BF and are giving him a lot of power over your life.  I agree with the others that you should probably take the engagement out of consideration right now.  If you are uncomfortable living with him before you are engaged, I would take that out of consideration, as well.  It seems like if you do that, your decisions become a lot easier and more clear. 

I am a little concerned that your happiness seems to depend on what he says, what decisions he makes.  I think you should take back some control over your life and focus on what you can do to make yourself (and your daughter) happy.  You can’t make your boyfriend propose, but you can decide that you are going to take back your life.  Honestly, tell the rent people you have no present plans of moving.  People’s plans change all the time and they will work with you if, e.g., in a couple months, you decide to move in with your boyfriend.  You can look for a job where you are now and deal with finding a job closer to your boyfriend when you move there.  Or have him move to where you are!

And definitely talk with your doctor about the meds. 

Hang in there!  Focus on what is best for you and your daughter and within your control! <<HUGS>>

Post # 7
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I also agree with the others about taking the engagement out of consideration for the time being. Maybe a little time off from the boyfriend would help you clear your mind, too. Not necessarily a break, just maybe cut back on the contact a little bit for a couple weeks, so you can take care of yourself?

This is going to sound very random, but are you on the pill? I used to get nighttime depression and nothing worked and nothing worked until one of my doctors realized the duration coincided with how long I’d been on the pill. Apparently, in some people, the dip in hormones at the end of the 24-hour period as the previous day’s pill wears off makes them get severely depressed at night. I switched BC methods and now I’m fine. I’m not AT ALL suggesting self-diagnosis, just that it may be another thing to bring up with the rest of the concerns for your doctor.

Good luck with this difficult situation. You can get through this!

Post # 8
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

Recognize too that you’re torturing yourself in this perpetual limbo of “will he propose?”.  August is only three months away, it’s not like the rent people are looking for a three-year commitment.  It sounds like he’s made it abundantly clear that he’s not interested in having you move in this summer, or he would have made plans with you by now.  I can’t speak for everyone else but in my relationship, we know what we’re doing months and years from now – it doesn’t just lay on one person to make these kinds of life-altering decisions at the drop of a hat.  I would be so ALARMED if we didn’t as a couple have solid plans for where we’d be in three months.

I can’t agree more with everyone else who suggested you just take a step back from things and focus on yourself.  And if your current therapy/medication are not working, explore different options with your healthcare providers.  If you’re not seeing a psychiatrist now (as opposed to just a GP), try asking for a referral so you can get more specialized help.  Good luck to you!

Post # 9
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I agree. I think you should stop talking about the engagement and just focus on yourself and your daughter right now. It may not be healthy for you to have all of your life decisions based on whether or not he is going to propose. I think that you should do what’s right for you and your daughter and gain financial stability and emotional health. Once he sees that you can stand your own he will come around. I think that him asking you to apply for jobs in his city may be a little unfair on his part knowing that you dont want to live together until you guys are engaged because if you do end up getting a job in his city that will force you to move to his city and to live with him while you are not engaged and this is not what you want.

By no means am I suggesting that you break up but I think you should become more independent and show him that you have a life outside of your relationship and you would like for him to be a part of that life.

I hope this helps you and I hope you get through this. If you need to talk the hive is always here.  

Post # 10
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Here is a (((HUG)))!  And here is some advice; take care of you and your daughter and think of your BF as a lucky blessing/luxury.  I agree, I don’t think you will be getting engaged in the next few weeks and that needs to be okay with you. 

Having depression issues myself, I know when I let myself wallow in the sadness, it only makes EVERYTHING worse. It’s not a matter of being weak (you aren’t!) but you need to find determination to STAY STRONG.  You have a lot that could fall to pieces you weaken. 

I think you should apply to jobs in both cities and look for other housing in his city, not his house.  I am a product of divorced parents and a mother who dated a lot and let men move in/stay over every night.  To be honest, us kids took breakups harder than our mom because we thought they were our new “dad”.  Having your own home until you are engaged would prevent a lot of confusion and hurt for your daughter should things not work out with you and your BF.

Stay strong, keep working, change your meds and think positive thoughts!

Post # 11
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I agree. Focus on getting healthy, your life and your daughter.

I had to go through this myself and left everything up to him. Now, I’m at a point, if he wants to ask, he will, if not, oh,well. I’m going to have a damn good time enjoying my life in the meantime. Exact reason why I planned an  8 day cruise in June. Get away from worrying about this engagement AnD give him time to remember I travel and have fun and it doesn’t have to be with him.

Post # 12
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with the other Bees, I think you need to put your whole relationship with your BF on the back burner right now.  Take all of the energy that your putting out there worrying about your BF and refocus it on yourself.  One day at a time and one foot in front of the other.  In my experience once you start to feel good about yourself others will start to come around. 

You’re self-wroth is priority #1.  I think you deserve more than your BF is giving you right now but you certainly can’t look to him for your happiness.  Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself and focus on you and your daughter. Once you start making progress the rest will fall into place.

Post # 13
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time.

I agree with others that you should apply for jobs in both places.  Unfortunately, with the economy being like this, you might not get a job in either place so moving in with him honestly might not be an option right now.

It really sounds to me that he isn’t ready to get engaged right now.  I think you need to focus on yourself and making yourself feel better before thinking about engagement.  Getting engaged isn’t going to make your depression go away.

Post # 14
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Opps! I’m so sorry CUTELITTLEBUZZINGBEE!  I was in a hurry to get to my grandpa’s house and didn’t know it posted that many times. My computer messed up and I didn’t think it had posted at all. Sorry again, CUTELITTLEBUZZINGBEE!

 

Post # 15
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

We deleted the extra posts for ya! 🙂

Post # 16
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Champagne Wishes said something really important: having a partner to love and that loves you is a blessing and a luxury, it’s something that should add up to your life and make you happier… but not something that is vital or crucial to live and enjoy life, and it is absolutetly not something that should bring you anxiety or sadness… when the relationship you’re in makes you sad, worried, depressed a big % of the time, why stay in that relationship?

I know it’s easier said than done, and I can not say that there haven’t been moments when I get very anxious about the future, or dissapointed because my BF hasn’t proposed yet, or sad or hurt about X or Y… but that’s a small % of the time, most of the time my BF makes me happy and brings peace to my life, that’s why I am in a relationship with him…  I think that your situation is very grave, you’re on depression medication and you believe he is the major cause, and even though many would say that is unfair to blame someone else but oneself for one’s depression, I somewhat agree with you that he’s bringing so much uncertainty to your life. I read your posts about the so many times he told you you were going ring shopping and then canceled, and then again, and then again. Same happened a couple times when he told you he would go see you and then canceled and then he say yes I’ll go and then canceled; and you were there waiting for him to make a decision. Then again, you’re the one that is making the potential engagement the most important thing in your life (and what if you do get a ring and move in, who assures you he will keep his word of marrying you?) and you’re the one that has become so dependant on him; that is why I am not necesarily saying that you should break up with him, but I am definitely saying that you need to start seeing him as that luxury and blessing and enjoy your time with him and forget about the engagement and plan your life like that’s not even happening, as opposed to as thinking he’s the center of your world and everything revolves around him/an engagement.

Everyone has said it before and I think deep inside you know it too: focus in yourself, your health and happiness, and of course in your daughter, who truly depends on you. When you are so caugh up inside a relationship (healthy or unhealthy, but even worse for the latter I think) is really hard to imagine one’s life outside that relationship, you feel like your world would fall apart and you would never be able to be happy, but that is NEVER the case, not even for the good relationships. You’re one, you’re independent , there’s so much world outside your relationship… open your eyes to the rest of the things in life, outside that vase that you’re in right now.

I’m so sorry if I’m being harsh or saying things that might hurt you, but from the bottom of my hearth I mean you well, I can feel your pain and I just want you to see that not being engaged it’s not the end of the world, you can be happy! Don’t stop making everything in your hands to be happy please!

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