Feelings for another guy but I'm married. need some advice (kind of long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

confusedbee21111:  I think all long term relationships go through ups and downs. There are periods that are really fun, that are monotonous, and that are downright awful. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other – it means it takes work. 

I personally don’t think it’s Will per say but more the idea of what he represents – the unknown. New relationships are exciting and passionate and give us feelings that can get lost and forgotten as time goes on. That doesn’t mean they are lost forever though!

I suggest doing new things with your husband to keep the passion and excitement alive. Disover new things together, have new experiences, and enjoy each other like you did when you first met. Things like that can fall to the wayside after marriage when they used to be priorities. 

Hope is not lost here. It just takes some work to find!

Post # 3
Member
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

somethingblue04:  great advice

It’s definitely NOT Will. I’ve done this, dreamed of what life would be like with so & so or that one person. It’s never the person, it’s just what’s currently missing from your relationship. You need to figure out what that is. I don’t have anyone else cross my mind when my FI & I are at our happiest, but in the months when we’ve fought a couple times each week, or after one big blow out, it’s not unusual for someone else to creep into a dream or thought. As long as you know why, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

If your husband hasn’t changed, just sit down and REALLY try to figure out what’s missing. Did you used to go on more date nights? Did he used to kiss you goodnight & doesn’t anymore? Did you used to have sex more? Talk about things other than work? What’s changed.

Post # 5
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you want this thoughts to stop, you need to make some changes. Be drastic, delete your facebook account if necessary. Find the triggers for this thoughts and eliminate them from the root. Focus in your hubby, remember how lucky you are to have him everyday, and live everyday trying to make him as special as he makes you feel.

Post # 6
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

AnaA:  Bravo!!!!! I applaud your advice/comment!  

Post # 8
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

The good news: There is no way that you are in love with Will in any way, shape or form. I agree with everyone else that he just represents a link to your past and the unknown.

The fact is that you spent 3 years dating your now husband and didn’t think of Will once. If he had really been a guy you were in love with you would have thought about him in that period. Instead he’s just a passing infatuation because it sounds like LIFE has gotten in the way of your relationship with your husband.

I’d suggest creating a “love challenge” where for the next 30 days you focus on your relationship and your husband does the same. In my mind that would include either blocking Will on facebook or deleting him. It would include little date nights where you cook for one another, write soppy notes, watch favorite movies. Anything that reminds you of the whirlwind of first dating.

I know how you’re feeling. After four years together (and distance!!) there came a point where I developed a really strong crush on another guy. My best friend ended up talking me through it. One thing that really stuck with me was her saying that she didn’t think that this new guy would mesh with my family as well as my SO does. Family is huge for me and this thought just kind of killed the crush.

Post # 9
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I went through this as well. I’ve been married almost 3 years and I developed a crush on a friend/work associate of mine. My hubby and I went to school for photography/graphic design TEN years ago in our early twenties. He was alot more passionate about his craft and life back then and I was very attracted to that. He used to also create music and would spend weekends writing and producing, and I admired his drive. Cut to ten years later, he’s watching TV all the time or playing video games.

My friend/associate is also into photography and would get me some work here and there. He would talk so passionately about cameras, etc and he is such a hard worker. I developed a HUGE crush on him and I just now realized that I’m just naturally attracted to hard working passionate guys and it had nothing to do with the guy at ALL. I was also feeling like I wasn’t working as hard as I should be and admired him for putting his all into his work. I would think about him ALL the time, it was ridiculous.

Once I realized this, I began to start generating projects and dedicating myself to my work. I also sat my hubby down and told him how I felt that he was basically turning into a zombie by just escaping and watching TV as soon as he came home from work and playing video games all weekend. This is something he said he never wanted to become, and we just had to regroup. He’s now begun limiting his time with the games/tv. And thankfully, the friend and I stopped working together once I got another job and I don’t speak to him much at all (plus he’s married himself LOL!)

So crushes do happen during marriages, it doesn’t mean anything other than something is lacking in the relationship.

Post # 10
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

confusedbee21111:  I’m sure you’ve gotten many replies but pls pls read mine and take it on board. 

You said it yourself, you still love your husband but that love has evolved! 

The difference between the successful marriages of our grabdparents’ generations and the high divorce rates in ours is precisely that! People do not recognise that the intense all encompassing love will pass, and they fail to embrace this new kind of love that is actually so much more beautiful than the first kind. It terrifies you because it’s nothing you have ever felt before, it’s so new, but it’s such a good thing! 

You are having feelings for this Will despite not seeing him in years because you’re missing the intense kind of love you had with him, and that you also had with your husband. But your memory of Will ends with that intense kind of love. If you ask me, it’s natural, it’s a natural part of adapting. What you need to realise is that you did marry the right person, because the right person is someone who is and will do everything that you described about your DH. The right person is someone who will be all those amazing things your husband is even after the honeymoon period, even after the intense love has passed. You married the right man because even after feelings of intense passion have passed, he is still loving and caring for you the same as, if not more than, the moment you were newlyweds. 

Marriage is spending the rest of your life with one person! It’s scary! But if you have as the foundation of your relationship, the principle that marriage is forever, and you will continuously try to renew your marriage, it will succeed. I guarantee you OP, if you were to leave your husband for this Will (not that you said you would, I know, just a hypothetical) you may be happy for a while, but in 3 years time you will be right back here, the love would have evolved and you’d be looking for a new intense love because you fear you’ve married the wrong person, again. 

If we chase after passionate love, we will be searching our whole lives. If we embrace the friendship that is born from passionate love, we will be happy for the rest of our lives. I read today somewhere that you don’t marry the man who is your soul mate, but he becomes your soul mate because you married him! 

I am not yet married, so I hope I don’t come across preachy, but these are my principles and ideals and I hope to live by the I’m my marriage. 

You have done nothing wrong to anything to be ashamed of. 

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee

confusedbee21111:  

Oh, sweetie.

You are not alone and you are not a bad person or wife to your hubby. I think everyone gets crushes on other people especially when it’s a “safe” crush. Will hadn’t been in your life but he’s kind of there so it’s easy to focus your feelings on him rather than work out your issues with the hubs. 

Even in great relationships there are obstacles! Do you have any best friends or siblings that you love but get into tiffs with? It’s the same thing. 

If it helps maybe think about this Will and ask yourself if the positives in him are what’s missing or not fully “normal” in your relationship with your husband? 

Good luck! I had a similar situation…. I was with someone and I broke up with them because of family influences…. And when I finally found him on social media my life felt broken!!! But in fact… He isn’t someone now that I’d ever want to be with. I think I was just feeling guilty about how I loved him but never told him. We chatted once on I.M and it was like talking to a wall. There was nothing there. My 18 year old self is very different than who I am right now. 

 

I still think of this person because it’s also thinking about my younger self… But I’m not a bad person for thinking!! I’m sure your hubby fantasizes about other women lol! That doesn’t make him love you less. 

 

 

(((hugs))) 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors