Feelings hurt by a last minute invite. What should I do?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I go to the party?
    Yes, suck it up and act happy to be invited. : (40 votes)
    38 %
    No, keep your original plans for the day. : (61 votes)
    59 %
    Other, please explain. : (3 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @pinklemonade12:  Suck it up and go with a smile on your face. You will regret it if you don’t. She is jealous or insecure and in order for you to keep some kind of relationship with your bff, you need to go above and beyond.

    Post # 4
    Hostess
    9919 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @pinklemonade12:  I would politely decline.  Be gracious, thank them for the invite and say you’ve already made plans. 

    I think that the GF is probably a little jealous of your BFF status with her boyfriend.  I wouldn’t be a fan of a girl that my FH spent that much time with – even if she had been around before me.  I would probably feel a little threatened, especially if she really likes doing things that I don’t (playing basketball etc)

    The party very well might have started as a small intimate affair and then grown unintentionally when mom’s invited aunts and cousins…these things happen.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    493 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @pinklemonade12:  I had a male totally platonic best friend from childhood to my mid twenties when I was finally successfully frozen out by a jealous girlfriend (now wife). 

    It sounds like being extra nice to her is really draining you, and it’s unlikely to make her thaw- she’s insecure about her relationship and it has nothing to do with how you behave towards her. If anything, you being nice might make her more jealous. 

    I would remain unfailingly civil and polite, but stop going out of your way to be super helpful and friendly to her. Never give her a legitimate grievance (because she will absolutely use that to drive a wedge between you and BFF), but don’t wear yourself out trying to win her affection because it’s pretty clear she’s never going to give it.

    As far as the party- if you think BFF will enjoy having you there, and you will enjoy being there, go. If not, don’t. I would just stop taking her desires in to consideration, because it’s pretty clear her desire is for you to fall in to a hole and disappear, and that’s probably not ever going to change.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Don’t go, gender reveal parties are the worst.

    Post # 11
    Member
    419 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    @Bubblesmcgee:  +1

    Your life doesn’t revolve around her. If she is trying everything in her power to not like you, she will see every action you take in that lense.

    You had other plans, no need to break them if you don’t feel truly welcome. I wouldn’t go. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee

    @pinklemonade12:  I would politely decline. After all it’s just the gender reveal. The one you should really expect to be invited to is the baby shower (in my experience, they have been joint showers and as the bff of the dad you will be invited by the dad)

    Anyways, not to make things seem worst, I was in a situation like this once. A male friend (we were bffs for 6+ years) had a gf, who became pregnant didnt really care for me so i was left out of the happy moments of their relationship/pregnancy. But every complaint and fight i was included in. When i graduated from law school, she didnt want him to come to my graduation. She made up all kinds of excuses for him to miss it. In the end i didnt know if he was going to be there. He showed up, and brought her, but he had to rush back home becuase “she wasnt feeling well” and therefore missed my graduation party. Anyways, they decided to get married, I found out about their wedding 2 weeks before it happened, it was a pity invite. Needless to say, we dont speak anymore. very rarely do we ever.

    All that to say, if you have a solid relationship with your bff, then that shouldnt change just because he’s having a baby with her, or because she doesnt like your friendship. ONe thing  i would advise you to do, which i didnt, is talk to him, let him know how you really feel about the entire thing (when he is sober) and let him know that your friendship is important to you but you dont want to feel disrespected.

    As for continuing to be nice and helpful, its clear that you matter very little to her. She will use you whenver she needs something and cant get it done on her own (like clothes shopping). I personally would not continue to go out of my way. If she changes her attitude then you can change yours but there is nothing wrong with treating her cordially instead of bending over backward to please her or fit in.

    Post # 13
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @pinklemonade12:  I am not saying that you shouldn’t have hurt feelings, but to let them go for the sake of your friend. Right now, it is clear she doesn’t like you at all. One of two things will happen– either she will stay around forever and will slowly restrict contact with your friend (which really, really hurts– I have been there) or she will go away and leave your friend with a broken heart. He will turn to you if you have been there when you can. Be nice, but not overly so. She’s probably never going to like you, but she needs to trust you.

    My best friend for years was a guy and it was totally platonic. His girlfriend met me for the first time 10 years ago and it didn’t go well (I have a gender neutral name and he only described my personality to her. The first time she met me I was in a cocktail dress. She was expecting a nerdy guy, not someone who looked like a swimsuit model. I totally get her suprise and would have been insecure in her shoes too). We stayed friends, but I was always super respectful of their relationship. I never got in the way of their plans or said a mean thing about her. When she broke his heart, I was there to drag him out of the house. When she pulled passive agressive moves when they got back together, I only mentioned the positives about her to him. She was a good person, but insecure. Now that they are married, it is a 180. She realizes there is no chemistry between us, he loves her, and I can have my friend back. Be nice, but let them live their lives. He can drive her to go shopping, he can help plan his gender reveal party, and so on. You are there as an awesome guest who would be happy to bring your world famous dish and be sunshine and rainbows to all of the guests.

    Post # 14
    Member
    287 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @pinklemonade12:  You could shit through hoops and she is still gonna not like you! She sound jealous of your friendship and as a PP said,the nicer you are probably makes it worse!

    I think you should take a break from draining yourself by trying so hard. And to be honest,your best friend obviously hasnt been insisting that you are there or you would have gotten your invitation a month ago like the others

    Stick with the plans your DH made,he is your priority.Go have a wonderful rare day off with him.You will find out the sex of the baby later

    Post # 15
    Member
    1110 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @pinklemonade12:  You sound like someone I’d want to be friends with. 🙂 You seem courteous and kind, and you really are trying!! I’m the same way, I don’t like when people don’t like me, but it gets exhausting trying so hard all the time.  I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, and it’s just unfortunate that he chose to be with someone that is so insecure and jealous that she would be that way to someone that is an important part of her bf’s life.

    As for the party, I would stop by, drop off some food, wish congratulations, and not stay very long.  If you’re as much like me as you seem like you are, you’ll wind up regretting not showing support by showing up, even just for a little bit!  But I always feel awkward and uncomfortable in situations where I know I’m not wanted, so if you do wind up feeling that way, bow out politely, wish them luck, and spend the rest of the day with your DH. I’m sure your BFF will understand, and appreciate the effort in showing up despite her rudeness.

     

    Sorry you’re going through this, it’s never easy when a best friend’s significant other puts so much stress on your friendship. 🙁

    Post # 16
    Member
    4440 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I wouldn’t go.  you’ll find out the gender afterwards. It’s not like it’ll be a big secret after the party. 

    Stop catering to her and driving her places and being so nice ! It’s not working. 

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