Feelings I have fought to suppress are reappearing

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

LilMonkey:  I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think you might need to ask yourself the questions of “do I want to be married, or do I want to be with this person for the rest of my life” and not answer both, but pick one. If you want to be married more than you want to be with this person, than there is your answer. But if you want to be with this person more than you want to be married, you are left with figuring out your and his expectations. Of course the world is not as simple as this questions make it, but it’s about perspective. Are you willing to wait a year so you can be with this person and have a family with this person?

I can be rather impatient, and I have had to remind myself the I don’t just want to get married (and I LOVE weddings- I make cakes, my mom made dresses… love ’em), but I want to marry my SO… and when he is ready, I’ll be here, so why not enjoy being with him and loving him until that time comes. 

I hope this helps. And I hope your slump doesn’t last too long. Hugs. 

Post # 3
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

These feelings are totally normal! It’s not uncommon for two people who love each other to have different timelines in life.

First give a lot of thought to why you want to be married. Maybe you want the respect that comes with it from strangers, colleagues, bosses, family members, girlfriends. The glamour, the white wedding, buying your first house, helping your kids grow up. Give yourself some time to reflect, to imagine, to dream.

Then talk to people who have done it. Listen to the things that women would have done differently for their weddings, their regrets, what kind of dress they would buy if they could do it all over. Talk to friends who are parents and listen to their advice, funny stories, maybe babysit! Indulge yourself in wedding magazines, watch proposal videos on Youtube, whatever you really want to do but feel like other people would judge you for doing. Pin EVERY dress, look through wedding planners in bookstores, window shop, read parenting articles. Just get it out of your system. It won’t completely go away, maybe even after you’re married for years! So let yourself be excited about it and don’t feel ashamed about it. Indulge until you get sick of it! And don’t mention any of it to SO. If he wants to talk about weddings, he will bring it up.

Now, how to enjoy the now? My mom jokingly told me last year that having kids “ruins your life.” She meant that once you have kids, everything gets complicated, so now is the time to do the things that cost time and money. Time to travel, take lots of pictures, make memories. Your life doesn’t exactly end when you have kids but one day you’ll have to share your husband, your time, your money and your patience with your kids. You will never be young and cute and spontaneous ever again, so create a bucket list and do it. Learn to ride a horse, fly to Europe, read a lot of books, learn some sign language, do ANYTHING that strikes your fancy. Make memories that will make your future children think, “wow, Mom was cool!” Live the kind of life that you would want a niece or daughter or friend to live in your situation.

You found your man, so the hard part is over! You can’t force him to want marriage at the same time you do, but it is important that he feels comfortable until that time comes. Any good man doesn’t WANT to make you wait, but he does it because he thinks it is best for the relationship. Maybe he has some dreams he wants to fulfill before settling down–could be a milestone, an adventure, an event. Find out what they are and help him live them out in the meantime!

Post # 4
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry that I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I go through phases of grumpiness and frustration with my bf’s time line. But, I do try to remind myself (like BrownPlaidBook said) that I want to be with this man for the rest of my life – married or not, and it will happen when he is ready. I’m not saying that always works, but it helps sometimes. Hang in there!

Post # 5
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Modern, Classic, Fun

LilMonkey:  I’m sorry you’re feeling this way – and I have to say, I can relate to this on so many levels! Luckily I have been able to snap myself out of these feelings are trying to focus on just being happy….and awesome. As the PP mentioned, do everything you possibly can before you get married and have kids. While that is a beautiful time in your life, so is right now. Right now to take my mind off the sometimes awful waiting game, I am indulging in myself. Especially since I don’t have a husband or kids to have to provide for first. So what exactly does that look like? For me, I’ve been reconnecting with girlfriends and having more girls nights. I’ve been focusing on working out and losing that extra weight and trying to feel sexy in my own skin again. I’ve been getting my hair and nails done regularly, and recentyl splurged on a designer bag. Those things may or may not be your cup of tea…..but find out what is and do it now! Travel, cook, party, go back to school, be frivolous. And while if may sting every time you see a friend get engaged,married or pregnant….remember your time will come, and in the mean time focus on all the awesome things you have going on. Surprisingly, it will make you more desirable to your SO too!

Post # 6
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

LilMonkey:  Sorry you’re feeling this way, but it seems like your SO’s only hesitations have to do with finances.  Getting out of debt is a very respectable goal.  I would also discuss your concern about your medical issues and how it might interfere with your desire to have a family.  Have you considered a courthouse wedding?  This would prevent you from going further into debt, but would allow you to be married and possibly start TTC. <br /><br />

Post # 7
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Financial stability is important to a good man’s self-esteem.  Saying that you don’t require him to be financially successful (that you don’t need an expensive ring or big wedding) doesn’t solve the problem, it’s still something he needs to feel ready and worthy of you.  But your needs are important, too.  (Edit: I don’t think “Have fun and enjoy dating!” is fair to you in your health situation)

I think you need to have another talk where you express that while you are concerned about children,  you have absolute confidence in his future success.  That you are so certain he will soon be financially stable there is no reason to delay.  That you have the utmost assurance in his ability to provide for a family (even though it’s 2014, not 1950, lol).  Not that he doesn’t need to achieve his goals for you to be happy (and not that your job and your money can help him)….he just doesn’t need to achieve those goals today.  Talk about your future financial plans not as “maybes” but as certainties.  He sounds like he genuinely wants to marry you, he just needs more confidence.          

Post # 8
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

LilMonkey:  Just chiming in to say I was with my fiance for 6 years – living together for all that time. I eventually just decided that we were going to be together forever, married or not, and as soon as I stopped dropping hints he felt more ready to propose. Why? He didn’t want me constantly thinking about it when he proposed – he wanted a true surprise. My fiance also wanted to work his way out of some huge debt before we became a married couple. It will all work out if you want to be with him – married or not. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I felt the same way you do when I was a waiting bee. Something that help me a lot was realizing I was in a bit of a career rut. I went back to school and started making some plans, and lo and behold ended up engaged only a few short weeks later. I think it’s hardest to be a waiting bee if you don’t have some other major driving motivation in your life besides your relationship.

Post # 11
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

bluebird17:  “You found your man, so the hard part is over!”<br /><br />This is so true and definitely put thinsg into perspective for me as I am battling the same reoccuring emotions. Words of wisdom!

LilMonkey:  I think the entire waiting process is cyclical. I know I’ve certainly hit every end of the spectrum from telling him I didn’t care anymore to throwing a fit when my bff got engaged. It’s natural to go through phases of acceptance and frustration when you are not getting something that you really want. I can’t offer much advice again because I am going through the same thing. But I do know I feel so guilty sometimes because its not the SO doesn’t love me enough, its just that the timing isn’t right. Daily, I remind myself why I want to marry him and that helps keep me happy in the now.

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