Weddingbee boards

I feel weird asking for advice from people on something like this...Maybe it's more that I need to vent. I don't share my relationship problems with friends and when I tell my mom about them, she tends to hold them against FI and she has already expressed to me her strong reservations about this marriage.

We've been together 5 years. I'm 34, already divorced once, and more than ready to get it right this time and start a family. FI is 28, on his first serious relationship. First few years were great, all lovey dovey. After we officially moved in together last year, relationship seems to have gotten worse although he denies it. Typical case of initial passion wearing off and everyday annoying habits starting to bother each other. But I had waited so long for the proposal, at this stage in my life I'm not going to throw away the last 5 years and look for someone new. After all, noone's perfect and I thought we'll find a way to work through problems. His attitude seems to be the opposite. It's almost like now that I have the ring on my finger, he knows I'm not going anywhere and taking me for granted. There's less sweetness, more yelling, less compromises and more insisting on his ways. He prefers to spend hours and hours on his computer games when we're home, which I've come to accept. He's lazy and doesn't clean up after himself, which I've also come to accept. I also bring home the bigger chunk of dough, and have taken on 90% of the wedding planning and finances. I even ended up planning his dream honeymoon to Ireland because he was admittedly too lazy to do it. None of this bothered me. But sometimes things happen that make me question, what am I getting in return? Instead of maturing like I expected is he just increasingly turning into an asshole?

I have two cats that I love more than life. They're my babies and frankly, I wouldn't be with a guy who says I can't have pets. He understood this...Or so I thought. His position has always been he'd rather not have pets because they make a mess and are too much work, but he accepts them for me. He even likes them, plays with them at times, he just says he wouldn't choose to take care of them. One of the cats has chronic health problems. I was supposed to take her to the vet next week, but then we didn't have a day to go get our wedding license so he suggested doing that on our day off, and he can take the cat to the vet on his lunch break this week since he works from home. Great, I agreed. I didn't ASK, he offered.  This morning I get out of bed sick but still having to go to work and the first thing I hear is him yelling at me about how the cat puked on the couch and now he has to take the cat to the vet on top of it and he hates them! WTF? I reminded him he offered, and he said "yeah I was being too nice and I regret it". Then he yelled some more for me picking up the soup bowl he was still using (I find easier to just pick up his mess since when I ask him he accuses me of "nagging" and "acting like a mom"). I really think he's being an ungrateful brat, not appreciating any of the things I bring to the relationship and complaining about any sacrifice he makes for me. I'm having serious doubts about the marriage and thinking this attitude will only get worse after the wedding and when we have a kid. I really don't want to back out, I want things to improve, but how do I get this guy to mature a bit and get off his high horse? There's a sweet guy in there somewhere, there used to be, and I want him back!

um..... He sounds like he's 29 going on 12. You're kind of acting like his parent, a little, doesn't it sound that way? I don't have anything positive to add to this, b/c from my perspective, I would have already thrown his belongings on the front yard. :-X

From your post, there seems to be some really serious red flags here. If you can, I would recommend postponing the wedding until you can get your relationship back on track. Maybe it's the stress of the upcoming wedding that's leading to his short temper . . . or maybe it's something more serious that could affect your mental and physical well-being in the near future.

I'm also going to have to agree with Melissabegins on this. I think you need to work out your relationship problems before you seriously consider getting married. You're already having serious reservations about it and I think it might be best to take a step back. Like you said, you've already been through a divorce and you don't want to settle, you want to find the RIGHT man. I know you've been together 5 years but that's not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship and marry someone who isn't treating you the right way. So sorry you're dealing with this :(

My first question would be, have you guys ever talked about this before? Because I didn't read anything about that in your post. I think it's important to communicate how you're feeling to him, whether you write him a letter as was suggested or sit down and do it face to face. As silly as it sounds, he really may not realize how much his behavior is hurting you. It sounds dumb--like, how could he NOT realize?!--but I've found that men often need to have things spelled out for them. He may not realize that you feel like you're picking up all the slack at home and not getting any appreciation in return. I would also think of concrete things that he could do that would make you happier--like if you could tell him, "It would be nice for you to tell me you appreciate me doing the laundry" for example. He might be feeling that appreciation for you, but might not know how to express it or know that you need to hear it.

As for the story about your cats, I"m sorry he reacted that way--it must have been really hurtful to you. But I don't think that just by looking at that one incident, we can judge whether or not you guys can work through your issues. I do think it's important to talk to him about it before you get married and before you start to feel worse.

OK, I agree with what everyone wrote. And what I'm writing sounds pretty bad to me too. I really wish this was happening before we got engaged so we could deal with it better. Seriously, the timing couldn't be worse. Put yourself in my shoes, would you be willing to postpone your wedding so your guy can work through his boneheadedness issues? It's not as easy a decision to make as it sounds. I know it's supposed to be about the marriage, not the wedding, but being on this board we all know how much work, time, money, effort is spent on putting that day together...All the families and friends making their arrangements...Everyone so excited, asking everyday how the plans are going... We're so damn close! Frankly I cringe in those movies where someone changes their mind on the last day and leaves the other one at the altar. I come from a traditional family too where noone would ever put themselves in that position, it would bring so much humiliation. I've already been through one short lived marriage, most of my family probably already thinks I'm a loser who keeps choosing men beneath me and have been skeptical about this relationship from the start too (due to difference in age, social status and finances) , and I stood my ground and assured everyone this is the guy. Postponing would be like declaring to the world, "I've f*cked up again!". I'd never live that down. I don't think my family would ever take him or our marriage seriously after that. And if we do end up working through our issues, I would still end up resenting him forever for putting me through that. And he probably wouldn't even understand and think I created a stir for nothing. I really really need him to get on board with this and shape up ASAP. I don't deserve this BS after we've come this far.

Couples counseling is a good idea. Talking it out, of course I will try, but with him I never know how much sinks in. Stubbornness and not accepting his mistakes are his least charming qualities. Sometimes I talk till the cows come home and he fights me back till he's blue in the face arguing he's right. Few days later, when he's in a better mood, I see him completely changing his ways and acting like I've pleaded him to do. I figure down inside he must've realized I'm right, he's just too proud to admit it, but at least he's doing it. Like I can just see him taking the cat to the vet again in a few months without complaining. I don't know what triggers the brattiness and what sets it right. He must be operating on mood swings like a teenager.

I'm really, really frustrated. Yes, I'm carrying an emotionally immature man through a very important juncture. I believed all these years that he still has some growing up to do but we were working in the right direction. He seemed more mature and supportive and helpful 2 years ago. It's the living together that seems to have triggered this step in the wrong direction. There must be a way to turn it around. I want to shake him up and put him back on track, not turn my life around overnight :((

girl you have to look past what others will think if you take time to figure things out. Sure people probably will be judgemental, but those people will be judgemental ANYWAY. You only have to answer to one person and that's yourself. Wishing you the best of luck! I can see where you're coming from and know this must be very hard. No one wants to be in this situation, but it's better to figure things out now instead of a year from now..

By the way, when I've called him on his "changes" he's explained it before as he was always the one agreeing to everything I say and want in the beginning, and letting himself be controlled, and now he's older and stronger and finding himself, he just stands his ground when we disagree. I can diagnose it as well as a shrink can - resentment on his part due to a perceived power struggle early on and feeling emasculated. Problem is how to fix it ;  get him to stop feeling that way and understand he can still be a man without trying to prove to himself he can dominate me. I try to do this subtly by pumping his ego whenever I can, having him make decisions, but recently my efforts for him feeling comfortable with his manhood seems to have turned into him feeling entitled to bullcrap and justifying childish behavior.

Thanks @sahsabahs, for putting it so boldly and making me tear up a little (already emotional) but also making me smile for the first time today. I'm also a practical person and likes to simplify things like that. It's just that in this case I've put my chips on #3 and I would really like that to be the winner!

I'll let you all how the talk goes tonight when I get home. My guess is he's just blowing things up on his computer game right now not even thinking about this. If anything,  probably still being angry the cat threw up and looking for other puke spots around the apt, waiting for me to come home so can lecture me once more about how much he hates having cats. Completely missing the big picture or what I'm going through right now.

i liked how she put it, too! Cheers and good luck!