Post # 1
I feel weird asking for advice from people on something like this…Maybe it’s more that I need to vent. I don’t share my relationship problems with friends and when I tell my mom about them, she tends to hold them against FI and she has already expressed to me her strong reservations about this marriage.
We’ve been together 5 years. I’m 34, already divorced once, and more than ready to get it right this time and start a family. FI is 28, on his first serious relationship. First few years were great, all lovey dovey. After we officially moved in together last year, relationship seems to have gotten worse although he denies it. Typical case of initial passion wearing off and everyday annoying habits starting to bother each other. But I had waited so long for the proposal, at this stage in my life I’m not going to throw away the last 5 years and look for someone new. After all, noone’s perfect and I thought we’ll find a way to work through problems. His attitude seems to be the opposite. It’s almost like now that I have the ring on my finger, he knows I’m not going anywhere and taking me for granted. There’s less sweetness, more yelling, less compromises and more insisting on his ways. He prefers to spend hours and hours on his computer games when we’re home, which I’ve come to accept. He’s lazy and doesn’t clean up after himself, which I’ve also come to accept. I also bring home the bigger chunk of dough, and have taken on 90% of the wedding planning and finances. I even ended up planning his dream honeymoon to Ireland because he was admittedly too lazy to do it. None of this bothered me. But sometimes things happen that make me question, what am I getting in return? Instead of maturing like I expected is he just increasingly turning into an asshole?
I have two cats that I love more than life. They’re my babies and frankly, I wouldn’t be with a guy who says I can’t have pets. He understood this…Or so I thought. His position has always been he’d rather not have pets because they make a mess and are too much work, but he accepts them for me. He even likes them, plays with them at times, he just says he wouldn’t choose to take care of them. One of the cats has chronic health problems. I was supposed to take her to the vet next week, but then we didn’t have a day to go get our wedding license so he suggested doing that on our day off, and he can take the cat to the vet on his lunch break this week since he works from home. Great, I agreed. I didn’t ASK, he offered. This morning I get out of bed sick but still having to go to work and the first thing I hear is him yelling at me about how the cat puked on the couch and now he has to take the cat to the vet on top of it and he hates them! WTF? I reminded him he offered, and he said “yeah I was being too nice and I regret it”. Then he yelled some more for me picking up the soup bowl he was still using (I find easier to just pick up his mess since when I ask him he accuses me of “nagging” and “acting like a mom”). I really think he’s being an ungrateful brat, not appreciating any of the things I bring to the relationship and complaining about any sacrifice he makes for me. I’m having serious doubts about the marriage and thinking this attitude will only get worse after the wedding and when we have a kid. I really don’t want to back out, I want things to improve, but how do I get this guy to mature a bit and get off his high horse? There’s a sweet guy in there somewhere, there used to be, and I want him back!
Post # 3
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. So frustrating and will only get worse if you don’t address it. You don’t want to start resenting him. Have you thought about couples counseling?
Post # 4
Oh dear! Are you two doing any pre-marital counseling? At the very least that is what I’d recommend! Your wedding day is not so far away either! Yikes! “I’m having serious doubts about the marriage and thinking this attitude will only get worse after the wedding and when we have a kid.” makes me think that you should seriously get counseling ASAP, will he go? And I would also consider postponing the wedding. It sounds like you have really committed yourself to the relationship, but you need to do what’s best for to be happy in the long run. Hopefully a good counselor can help you work things through before a wedding day. Best Wishes and hugs.
Post # 5
🙁 I am very sorry you are going through this. Maybe its time to sit down and have a talk with him and lay everything down on the table.
Post # 6
Have you tried talking with him? You say that the things he does doesn’t bother you or that you have come to accept them. But, they must bother you or you wouldn’t be feeling this way. It sounds like he is very lazy! I have to admit that my FI drives me crazy sometimes and I feel like I pick up after him etc., but if it gets to a point where I feel like I’m being taken advantage up I speak up. I will not tolerate extreme laziness or attitudes haha!
Also, you shouldn’t stick with this relationship just because you think you’ve wasted 5 years of your life. You are young!! You said you were divorced before, so I think that you should make sure the next one is the real deal. Don’t settle for just any one.
Relationships are supposed to be a partnership. If one partner is pulling his weight it makes things very difficult. Maybe you need to step back and just re-evaluate this situation? I don’t mean to come off sounding harsh, but he just sounds like he could care less about your feelings.
Post # 7
I would write him a letter stating everything that’s bothering you. I know it sounds silly, but it’s really hard to get your point accross to men like him (I know b/c my husband can be the same way) He needs to realize that he doesn’t have you forever now that he put a ring on your finger. You are successful and I know that 5 years is a very long time and you’d like to settle down, but if he’s this lazy and inconsiderate now how do you know it will get any better? Will he be able to provide for your children if you can’t work? Will he help you out when you’re busy with said children? I know it’s an awful thing to say, but if he doesn’t change his ways a relationship like this could very easily lead to divorce when life gets rough. Yes, everyone has their problems, but it doesn’t sound like he cares in the slightest bit or is working to change his problems. He needs to come to the realization that you’re something prized and worthwhile and he needs to treat you that way.
Post # 8
um….. He sounds like he’s 29 going on 12. You’re kind of acting like his parent, a little, doesn’t it sound that way? I don’t have anything positive to add to this, b/c from my perspective, I would have already thrown his belongings on the front yard. :-X
Post # 9
Unfortunately, I have to agree with Melissabegins… If you have doubts for the reasons you’re stating, they wont change or get better. It would be even harder to change him. I’d say have a serious chat with him about it and/or go to counseling. Don’t “settle” just because you’ve invested 5 years. Talk to him, communication is key!!
Post # 10
From your post, there seems to be some really serious red flags here. If you can, I would recommend postponing the wedding until you can get your relationship back on track. Maybe it’s the stress of the upcoming wedding that’s leading to his short temper . . . or maybe it’s something more serious that could affect your mental and physical well-being in the near future.
Post # 11
You need to talk to him NOW before the wedding. You are already unsure and if he doesn’t get his act together before the wedding you need to take a hard look at your relationship and see if you can live with this EVERYDAY for the rest of your life. I know it’s a hard decision but if he isn’t willing to see what he’s doing and how he’s treating you then he doesn’t deserve you or your future children. Plus you don’t want to bring children into a relationship that already has some major problems. Good luck.
Post # 12
I agree with all the other ladies. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but there seems to be a lot of issues that need to be addressed. If you don’t do it now, then it’s not going to happen. You don’t want to end up with another divorce on your hands.
Post # 13
I’m also going to have to agree with Melissabegins on this. I think you need to work out your relationship problems before you seriously consider getting married. You’re already having serious reservations about it and I think it might be best to take a step back. Like you said, you’ve already been through a divorce and you don’t want to settle, you want to find the RIGHT man. I know you’ve been together 5 years but that’s not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship and marry someone who isn’t treating you the right way. So sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁
Post # 14
You should not have to as you say it “accept” this behavior. Reread your post, and pretend this was another person writing, what would your response be? Things are only going to get harder and worse when you are faced with life’s challenges. You are being taken for granted, and you need to determine if he is willing and able to change the way he treats you. This is not good, please see a counselor either with him or alone before you get married. I know it’s hard to leave after 5 years and at 34, I only say that because I was in your shoes, but its much easier to be starting over now then at 44 with a few kids. Don’t waste your youth and pretty on someone that doesn’t deserve it.
Post # 15
He is absolutely taking you for granted. Not cool. I cant add anything that the other bees havent already added.
If you want it to work out I would consider counseling, if he cant agree to that to help improve the relationship he is going to be impossible for your entire marriage.
It better to take care of it now otherwise there will be no need to have kids, you already married one.
A marriage is a partnership. Good Luck
Post # 16
There are some big red flags here. You pick up after him, you pay the bills, he discounts your opinion, he’s too lazy to plan something HE wants b/c he knows that you’ll do it, he’s playing mind games, not willing to help you with something that’s VERY important to you, etc, etc.
I’m really sorry if this is too harsh, but it sounds like you’re enabling his childish behaviour. I’m sure that he was a great guy at one point, but those days seem to be over. As your relationship progresses, he is regressing. This is not a good formula for a loving, lasting relationship.
It’s probably worth going to counseling, but he has to WANT to fix it, and in order for that to happen, he’s got to understand that something is wrong with the status quo. Good luck! I’ve got a ton of empathy for you with this situation. 🙁