Feels Like Life is Passing Me By – Waiting…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Have you told him how long you feel you need to plan a wedding or what “this year” means to him? He could honestly think he has till December. I made sure to get a set date from my SO, so I know ill have a ring by August which makes me feel better

Post # 2
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Give him until June and if he hasn’t pulled the trigger by then why don’t you propose to him?  Maybe he’s planning a surprise proposal and every time you bring it up and get upset that he hasn’t done it yet, he puts it off for another few weeks.  If you already agree on getting married and he’s already bought the ring, I would want to know what the hesitation is.

If you’re not willing to propose to him, I would give him until the lease runs out or December comes back around.  If he hasn’t proposed to you by the time he’s had the ring for a year, then I would have serious doubts about marrying him even if he did finally propose as I was walking out the door.

Post # 3
Member
446 posts
Helper bee

RheaIzar:  Hugs to you. I am so very sorry you are having to experience this. I know exactly how it feels. I am 32, and I have been dating my SO for almost 7 years. It will actually be 7 years next month. We have talked about marriage so many times… only for nothing to happen. So many of our friends and family members have gotten engaged/married/pregnant during our relationship. It especially hurts when people get engaged who have only been dating a couple of years. I’ve been really struggling lately, because this time last year, his brother propose to his now wife, after 2 years of dating. Last month of Valentine’s day, his other brother proposed to his girlfriend of less than a year, and then this past weekend, his little sister got engaged. Now all of his siblings are married/engaged, and he and I have been dating for YEARS longer than any of them. I’ve been very open with him about how I feel. It’s such a difficult place to be in, because on one hand, I want him to propose to me when he wants to, and it not become this forced issue. I just can’t sit right with giving him an ultimatum. On the other hand, I am sick and tired of waiting. It’s gone too far. Right now, he tells me he is in a rut and trying to figure things out. He finished law school last May, got a job as a clerk for a judge, which will end this summer, and is trying to decided if he wants to practice law on his own or should get a job with a firm. He is really stressing about this. He tells me that he does want to marry me, that he loves me very much, that he cannot lose me. He sent me a dozen beautiful long stem roses to work yesterday with a card that said “I love you, I will spend my whole life thanking you for your patience right now.” I belive him. I do. But it is hard not to worry about whether or not I will continue to be strung along. I get countless questions about marriage from friends and family. I told him I cannot wait another year or another six months. Right now, I am keeping my mouth shut until mid May. As I mentioned, our anniversary is at the end of April, so I am hoping and praying he will propose then. I think at that point, I’m going to have to just walk away. At least that is how I feel for now. It’s such a complicated place to be in. I hope it works out for you!

Post # 7
Member
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

RheaIzar:  Hugs!  Wow.  Has he given you a reason for the delay?  You’re being very patient, maybe too patient?  If he doesn’t have a legitimate reason for this it seems like he’s torturing you, and that sucks, not cool at all.

Post # 8
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

If you’re this unhappy, I say talk to him NOW.  My SO would never want me to be secretly crying. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing the numbers and being logical. You’re 30. You see multiple children in your life. If this man isn’t willing to get on the ball, it’s time for you to move on and find one who is. Therefore… be upfront. Let him know that you want him to really want it, but you understand if he doesn’t. If he feels pressured, at this point? It may not be what he wants. 

But I really dont’ see the point in crying behind closed doors over an issue this important. TALK.

Post # 10
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

RheaIzar:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I came to weddingbee in a similar state of frustration and despair as my partner of 9 years was totally against marriage after a painful divorce and I just couldn’t get my head round the idea it was never ever going to happen! 

I found the supportive advice from the bees invaluable and having a bit of a vent to strangers really helped me take a step back and reassess the things I wanted out of life. 

I would say communication is the absolute key…I actually wrote all my feelings down in a letter which I gave to SO as I just got too upset every time I tried to talk calmly about it.  After laying all my cards on the table, I backed off completely and didn’t mention marriage at all for quite a while which obviously did the trick as he proposed last month!!! 

From your post, it seems that at least you are both on the same page that it WILL happen, it’s just the timeline causing a stumbling block.  I really hope it works out soon for you and that your SO makes sure it’ll be worth the wait 🙂

Post # 12
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

RheaIzar: Seems like I’m in the minority here…but I don’t think he’s had the ring that long.  If it was picked up in December, it has only been a couple of months.  I know many men who would have avoided propsing December-February due to the holidays and since they believe that might be to “obvious.”  He may have a specific plan/time frame in mind so hang in there 

My SO has had the ring in his possession a little over a month now and I don’t really think about it anymore..although I WILL admit when my girlfriend got engaged recently I got a pang of impatience that lasted a couple of days.

What has helped me significantly was having a general timeline.  I know SO has his heart set on a specific day and he wants it to be warm (it’s freezing now), because he want our “propposal anniversary” to be in the summer.  He has a definite plan and I don’t want to take that from him, but knowing it won’t happen for several months keeps me from being disappointed since Im not expecting it.  See if your SO is willing to give you a general timeline to help ease the wait.

Post # 13
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

snowball543:  I agree that he hasn’t had the ring that long just yet.

Dec/Jan/Feb are crazy, crazy months and he most likely needed everything to die down so he could get into the right headspace. Try to keep that in mind, I know it has been 7 years total, but this period of waiting has only been 3 months. 

My first thought when you said he hasn’t asked what you want for you birthday was – perhaps that’s because he knows what you want (the proposal) and plans to give it to you! But I don’t want to get your hopes up, just in case.

 

You feel like you are falling behind, so let’s tackle those feelings. You know that it is coming, there is no question, therefore, take this time to try to prepare yourself to be a fiancé and a wife. Think of it as doing pre-study for a class, because once that ring is in your finger, life will sweep in and take over and you may not get these quiet moments of deep thought and reflection. Read blog posts/books about creating a great marriage and start planning how you want your married life to look, what do you think should change/stay the same? Finances, routines, children, more study, housework, holidays, date nights – anything and everything. Also take this time to find inspiration for your wedding without the pressure to actually make decisions. 

Chanel all of the “I’m being left behind” feelings into preparation for the next stage of life so that when it comes, you will feel ahead of the game. 

Post # 14
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

RheaIzar:  Relax about the baby deadline of 35.  Its not an end all date.  I’m 36 and will be 37 when I get married later this year.  If we start trying immediately I’ll be 38 at the youngest having a baby.  Many of my friends are also having kids after 35.  I’m sorry you are dealing with this frustration.  I saw what it did to one of my friends – her husband had the ring for well over a year before he proposed.  And she picked it out.  He did propose after 9 years and they have been married for 3 years this month.

Post # 15
Member
8009 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Gosh I would lose my shit. I would keep being patient through your birthday. And if you don’t get a ring… the next day share your feelings, tears and misery with him. He should know the truth- that’s its torture, the buffer has cleared, let’s get this show on the road.

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