- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Eesh, how rude of your aunt. I get what you mean about getting help to pay for the wedding. My dad passed away a few years ago and my mother is in no position to help. I was hoping that my grandma would offer to help, but she hasn’t. FI’s parent are helping where they can, but his mom is making me feel guilty (unintentionally, I’m sure) about the upcoming payment on our reception (it goes towards the entire reception), despite paying that same amount for her older son’s flowers. FI has tried to explain that it’s just how she is about money because she was never in a good place financially when they were kids, but it still hurts.
I’m sorry that your family is making you feel this way. I think if you are comfortable talking with your grandparents about your concerns for funding the wedding, then it is up to them to decide if they want to help you, not your aunt, and no one in your family would have to know.
As a side note: my grandma lived with my parents and was very close with my sister and I. She put aside some money for the two of us to use for school, despite not giving anything to her other grandchildren, and that was her decision since she was close with us and knew we could use the help paying our tuition. No one else in our family knew about it, so it wasn’t an issue.
@vorpalette: What my aunt said was harsh… and hurt.
I guess it’s not all that bad, because she always said if she won the lottery whe would help me with a hous. It’s just the way, and the timing she said the other statement that made it hurt I guess.
I guess for your FMIL you should let your FI deal with that (if the guilt trips get out of hand). It’s very generous she is helping with your wedding.
On another count, does it not drive you CRAZY when poeple that are not helping with the wedding have very strong opionons?
@KingsDaughter: ((HUGS)) Wow, what your aunt said to you was so hurtful and rude! I probably would seriously consider eloping if that will make you and your FI the happiest. Otherwise, plan a modest wedding within your budget and keep the guest list down. And don’t let the family members who aren’t helping contribute financially have too much of a say in how you plan, either.
I can tell that it’s not about the money for you, it’s just that the attitude about it from your family is so hurtful.
@KingsDaughter: Wow, that’s really harsh. I’m sorry you lost your parents and sorry that the family you do have isn’t willing to help support you with your wedding. How much time do you have until the wedding? I wonder if it might help to “feel out” family members by saying when they ask that you are planning to have a very small ceremoney (i.e., elope for all intents & purposes) due to financial constraints but that you are hoping to find a way to celebrate with the larger family. Then, if they want to help you they can. Alternatively, would they be willing to help in other ways? Could they cook or cater so you can cut expenses? I wouldn’t give up on them completely yet. It may be that they are just financially strapped and don’t have much to give. That’s unfortunate, but it happens.
Ultimately, you have to plan your wedding with your budget. If you can’t afford to throw a big wedding, don’t feel obligated for the sake of your family. You may want to elope or do a very small ceremony, then have some kind of celebratory gathering and either self-cater, figure out if there’s an affordable way to host your guests, or have it be some kind of potluck type setup.
I’m facing similar issues with my family so looking for ways to do it on the cheap but not exclude people. I do want them to celebrate with me, even if they can’t put much money into it.
@Little_Nut88: Thanks for the advice. I know what you mean, sometimes I felt growning up one of my aunts were secretly upset that my gransparents got everything for my brothers and I…she had 2 daughters and a husband so they were good. It was kind of rediculous for her to feel such, since we were left to live with my gransdparents since my dad died and mom left.
@Sunfire: I think you are right. A small wedding is in order. We should have consider elopment before we put the downpayment for the venue. (although I would rather loose $1000 and not pay the rest if my family will continue being drama).
Some of my family still think it’s ok to add their opinion although it’s my money. I was considering having a flowerless wedding, but they all insist I at least have a bouquet. I am considering telling them if they want it then they have to pay for it.
SORRY FOR THE SPACEY/GAP MESSAGE (ABOVE). I GUESS I PRESSED THE ENTER BUTTON A FEW TOO MANY TIMES
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure this is hard enough without your Aunt jabbing her blunt oar into the pool.
I think so long as your relationship with your Gran is good and she isn’t struggling financially that you should be able to speak with her about money. Ignore your Aunt, she is probably jealous and a little ticked off you have gotten more attention over the years which is completely unfair. It’s not a rational or fair reason but it’s still a reason in her mind.
Yikes, super harsh and uncaring! But I’m wondering, if it wasn’t a money comment, do you think it would have been something else? Do you think that maybe (and I don’t know you so take this with a hefty dose of salt) you are really feeling the lose of your parents because of the emotional nature of a wedding? While the comments you have endured are heartless, can one of your brothers “rally the troops” and explain to them that you are especially missing your parents and they should step up to the plate (not financially, but emotionally-offering to walk you down the aisle, take you dress shopping, etc). On the other hand, if they continue with their unkind comments, you should feel free to do what makes you happy, including elope or exclude them completely from the process.
@KH: yes that is part of it. It is weird for me though to talk about it to my family, because they would then start hugging me and say it’s ok to cry..but for some reason I don’t want that type of sympathy anylonger…I used to feel like it was borderline pity (although I indulge in self pity from time to time…hence this post lol), but for some reason I don’t like pity coming from my family…it’s a weird feeling.
@FauxBoho: the funny thing about all this is this aunt is the aunt that spoiled me throughout the years, and more then anyother of my cousins. She bought stuff so much for me as a kid, as much as she would get for her own daughter.
There is another aunt I got that feeling from. But I forgive her for that akwardness and such growing up. In the end of it all, I love my aunts and I can forget about the akward moments.
@KingsDaughter: I get it. At some point you want the pity to turn into action and a base of loving support (aka-empathy). Maybe they made efforts, but not in the right way and not consistently. You have every right to some “self-pity” every once in a while. But….have you ever talked to a counselor about it?
Well, personally, I don’t think you should ever expect people to help you with your wedding, no matter what their financial situation is. That being said, I find it rather unncessary of your aunt to point out that even if she was in a position to help you, she wouldn’t. There’s not really any point to that and it just inspires bad feelings.
It’s also none of her business if you choose to approach your grandparents and if they choose to help you. She sounds way too concerned with how you’re paying for your wedding and I don’t know if it’s just nosiness or what. It does seem a little mean spirited of her. But is it just her? You say you now feel differently about your whole extended family which isn’t fair if it’s just her making the snotty remarks.
Your grandparents raised you. Therefore, they ARE your de facto parents and their responsibility to you should be greater than that afforded to the rest of the grandkids. How rude of your aunt to ever suggest otherwise.
I don’t blame you for being upset. And while I’ll agree that someone having a big, lavish wedding shouldn’t expect others to foot the bill, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for family members to offer contributions toward a modest wedding.
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