Fellow Christians who didn’t wait

posted 5 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My FI and I are both Christian. We waited about a year into our relationship. Although we weren’t engaged at this point, we knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and talked about our future. This was definitely the biggest factor in my decision. FI had been with others when we met. I had never really made any promises to myself but I never felt that it was right until I met him. I was also still somewhat young when we met. We haven’t really talked about stopping before marriage..but I think maybe a month or so break could be somewhat romantic and make the wedding night a little more special 😉 I think, if anything, the decision has just brought us closer. Although I have felt guilty at times, I feel that because I am going to spend my life with him, it is somewhat justifiable..even though I know that is not technically the case..I think the most important thing when it comes to this topic is that we respect the body that God has given us. By just waiting for “the one” instead of the marriage to “the one”, I think we (you and I) are still doing that. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@KristenTN152:  Hi there. I’m a Christian as well. I hope I can be of some gentle help Smile What I am about to write below is not to meant to be preached to anyone who claims to not be Christian, as I believe this should only be true for believers. It is not my concern or business to know or pry about what non-believers to do outside of marriage.

I think it would be VERY helpful to educate yourself in Judaism and early Christianity, focusing on the context of marriage and family.

What you are feeling is natural–we are created to feel attraction and sexual desire and I strongly believe that God designed us to have a healthy and amazing sexual life (obviously, in the covenant of marriage). In Judaism and early Christianity, people would marry once sexual desire entered their life to avoid fornication (they would marry as young as 13 to 15)–this included pro-creational sex and recreational (for pleasure) sex–the Romans, Greeks, and pagans AND later, sadly, the Roman Catholic Church did not believe that sex could be for pleasure but strictly for child-bearing. After Judaism and Christianity were banned from Israel after it was taken over by the Romans, the church split and that is where we get all the misunderstandings of what marriage and sex is supposed to be (this is a lot fo info, I’m just summarizing it)–and as a consequence, the flesh (sex) was deemed to be connected directly to sin–this is NOT biblical. According to Judaism and Christinaity and the commandments givens, marriage and child-bearing go hand-in-hand and are NOT options (which isn’t really highlighted today in Modern Christianity and it is rare churches support young people getting married–that is the issue I have with today’s church). 

To me, it sounds it’s time to get married! I would highly recommend pre-marital counseling beforehand. Best wishes, Bee. Don’t feel bad for the sexual desire you both have. While I’m not advocating people to have sex before marriage, I feel it’s important to remember that God is more concerned with “holiness” (knowing Him and seeking Him) than virginity. 

I really hope that makes sense and puts some stuff into perspective, and FYI I just completed a Marriage and Family course at my christian university and found it extremely valuable.

P.S. My FI and I have been together for almost 5 years, and we can relate to the difficulty in waiting.

Post # 5
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

alright… gonna get graphic and use medical terms like vagina…. be prepared. you asked for our reason for not waiting.

 

 

 

i was scared of sex and also had a condition called vaginismus, which is an involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. i couldn’t even wear tampons and gyno exams were next to impossible. 

we really wanted our wedding night to be a night of joy and love… not pain and fear. so we spent a considerable amount of time talking about sex and what happens during it. we spent time getting used to each other’s bodies. then we spend time treating the actual… problem… until we were finally able to engage in intercourse. in this case, it was nice to have a partner who had already had experience.

and then our wedding was delayed and we figured… why stop now that we started?

Post # 6
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I didn’t wait. I still regret it to this day.

Post # 7
Member
5659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I gave my life to Christ when I was 22. I did not wait until marriage, I had 2 partners before my DH (at 18 and 20), and my DH and I started having sex almost immediately in to our relationship (At 21, before I became Christian).

My DH has been a dedicated Christian his whole life, but sex was definitely his weakness. He has had difficulty with porn, but he never had sex before me. He basically couldn’t resist it, especially since I was totally open to it not being Christian and all.

After I became Christian, I wanted to abstain, but this proved very difficult at that point for my husband.

I do wish I had waited and that we had abstained, and I do sometimes feel guilty about it, but we’re married now, Jesus has forgiven us and I guess we at least did what Paul outlines, lol (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Post # 8
Member
1743 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am a Christian and didn’t wait, and I don’t regret it or feel that it has negatively affected my relationship with Christ.  It is totally fine for a Christian person to make the personal decision that he or she wants to save sex for marriage, but generally I do not believe that sex is something that should have feelings of guilt associated with it.  Seriously, there are people who have really screwed up issues with sex because all their life it has been beaten into their heads that anything remotely sexual is BADBADBAD, WRONGWRONGWRONG!  Again, if it is someone’s personal decision to save it for marriage, I support that, and I can definitely understand all the reasons for it, but what I don’t support is the guilt and shame and judgment.

I read something interesting once about a pastor who said that while premarital sex isn’t ideal, he wouldn’t counsel someone already engaged in premarital sex to stop the sexual activity again until marriage because it could upset the sexual dynamic.  I find some merit in this.

Everyone will always point you back to scripture and tell you you’re violating God’s word.  I have some different perspectives on that, which I don’t really want to get into in depth because I’m not looking for a biblical debate or looking to change anyone’s mind, but in my opinion it’s always worth considering the fact that even though the Bible is the word of God, it was written by human beings, who are fallible, and the written product is the result of their perception, interpretation, and communication of the word of God, especially when you consider that the Bible was written in a very patriarchal time.  I’ve read some some different scholarly arguments about the passages that are commonly taken as a total proscription against premarital sex.

I think you should do what you personally are comfortable with, and remember that Jesus doesn’t consider your relationship with Him to have been thrown in the bin just because you’ve decided to share your sexuality with someone you love (or, honestly even someone you don’t love – Jesus accepts worse than people who have one-night stands).

 

Post # 9
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I understand and am aware of the love of Christ and his Father for all of us, and that nothing will ever stop him from loving us.

I just believe, now, that activity of an intimate nature before marriage is a sin. Is it difficult to find someone to date that accepts and embraces my stance of waiting to engage again before marriage, especially because that cat is out of the bag already anyway, if you know what I mean…..and that I was pregnant before I married my ex-H.

I mean, I have faith that God will send the right person who is willing to accept my past and embraces my stance today…..but I’m not expecting it to be easy.

Post # 10
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

I am a Christian, I have had sex with others before my FI now, and I have also had sex with FI.

I have discussed waiting from this point on until we get married to have sex again, but I am committed to him, he’s committed to me, and we both have decided that we are going to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We’re committed, and although I don’t have his last name (yet) and am not technically considered his ‘wife’, we pretty much consider ourselves married.

I don’t like getting technical because people ALWAYS disagree and there will always be a debate about it, but I don’t judge anyone for choosing to have sex before marriage.

There are factors that not everyone can see that come into play. As a PP stated, I also have vaginismus, and it’s much easier knowing that I can be relaxed on my honeymoon and have pain-free sex with someone that knows my body and understands how I work, as opposed to writhing in pain the entire time.

Personally, I don’t see the need to wait. I’ll use the old “I don’t need a piece of paper to show my commitment to FI” statement, and leave it there. It’s true and that’s what matters.

Post # 12
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

My history is much like designbydemand in that I had previous partners, DH didn’t, and soon into our relationship (right after our engagement) we became intimate… DH had a history of battling lust & with my own sexual history us becoming intimate just kinda happened. No discussion or counsel in deciding, we just did it.

However, we did stop several months before the wedding.

We didn’t stop b/c it was easy or b/c we didn’t like it or even b/c we felt all that convicted about it but because we both knew that for us to grow closer to God we couldn’t willingly be indulging in something that God is clearly against. Yea we could still pray, read, and even serve in church but there was no way for us to stay in close communion with Him for the simple fact that He makes clear that He can’t be where sin is. We wanted the Holy Spirit to have reign in our relationship and to have that we knew that we had to be walking in close communion and submission to Him. As long as we were engaging in premarital sex and lust there was no way God could bless & grow our relationship. Yea we could grow BUT it wasn’t going to be in Him and it was going to be far less that He wanted for us.

Also considering we served in our Young Adults ministry and DH in the Student Ministry we took into high regards into the responsiblity we had as followers of Christ. If I had become pregnant how would that have stumbled the many students that looked to us for how to grow and walk with Christ? We ALWAYS have others that are looking to us for guidance… even if it’s not apparent there’s always someone watching our example. Sheesh that one alone had DH and I heartbroken at times…. I mean there are going to be plenty of things I’m judged for on my own, I don’t want to add anothers stumbling to that list =/

Like I said we did stop and recommit ourselve back to Christ as individuals and consecrated our relationship back to Him so that He could prepare us for the marriage he had & so He could work out & grow in our hearts the things He needed BEFORE getting into the covenant of marriage. We knew that there were things in us, like that lust, that God didn’t want us to have to battle in our marriage and just like His character wanted to prepare us for the marriage He had for us. The things that God worked out in us in the time we stopped was AMAZING! He gave us back our purity and when we stood at that altar & worshiped Him on our wedding day both DH and I felt His hand and approval on us… infact talking about it on the way to our honeymoon we BOTH cried at God’s faithfulness to restore. It wasn’t easy and it took some time before we weren’t “slipping”  anymore but it was by far worth it!

I know that there are many Christians that are okay with premarital sex and like you said those that say you can’t be a Chirstian and do that BUT my stance IS that to truly be walking with Christ you can’t be OKAY WITH sinning… even though we do fall and do sin our heart (even when we don’t have “conviction”) should be to love him by walking in obedience if for no other reason than knowing what our sin did to Him. It’s not an easy stance but is what He tells us.

My best counsel is to find someone you two and can accountable to. Pray together asking God to forgive you in your weakness (because this is definitely a weak point for most all of us) and recommit yourselves back to Christ… ask for a word that you two can hold on too and just keep recommitting yourselves back to God asking Him to grow a heart of obedience in the two of you on this subject… to work the things out He wants to, to give you the marriage he has for you (which is better than you have for you) and for the Holy Spirit to help you two stay close to him.

Like I said… It’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it.

Post # 13
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

No judgement or condemnation here, just my two cents…

@wolfpackforever THIS.  

I agree with you. And let me remind you that nothing is impossible for God, I know you say you don’t expect it to be easy but God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever hope or ask for, so have faith and trust in that. Timing is everything and at the right time you will get what God has for you. God loves to bless his people especially those that obey to walk in his will and sacrifice for him like he sacrificed for US, so STOP expecting it to be hard!

My belief is that, the bible was written by men inspired by God and led by the holy spirit. It’s our instructional guide on how to live. It says sex should be enjoyed only within the marriage and I believe it means exactly that. It’s very clear.

I say this as someone who has indulged prior to my SO, with my SO and have since chosen to abstain completely until marriage because I decided that my commitment to obey and honor God is my priority, versus my desire to please SO or myself.  I realize that others may not share this same view. That’s between you and God.

And I’m not saying its the easiest thing in the world to do.  But God makes the impossible possible and with the ways he has blessed me with SO and other things all i wanna do is try my best to bless him back out of sheer gratitude.  

When I felt the conviction to stop sleeping with SO, I did not want to listen! He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was sure taking this out of the relationship would cause a strain and end things for sure.  But God sees and knows what we do not, so I trust him, and it was Hard but it did NOT ruin our relationship AT ALL.

SO actually told me that now we get to see what our relationship is really made off and if we can survive based on our frienship and connection, and it has been amazing because we now see that what we have is deeper than the physical and has been proven! The bible says draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. He will give you strength for whatever you need, he just needs the chance to show you.

If you are feeling conviction you will know, guilt, uneasiness, however it comes your way, the holy spirit will try to communicate it to you if your spiritual eyes and ears are open and if your heart is truly receptive to be obedient to God.

We are all at different stages of growth. It took me 32 years off and on to get where I am today and I’m STILL a work in progress, no one is perfect…but this is what I believe with all my heart and with God’s help I will remain abstinent until marriage.

What I am saying is that decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs the will to please all else.

Again, no judgement or condemnation, I’m just sayin…

Post # 14
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My SO and I were both each other’s first parteners (in every sense of the word) and we planned to not go beyond ‘bikini-zones’ until ‘I Do’. But… well… we failed miserably.

We slowly slowly slipped until one fateful camping trip… I wont go into detail. Suffice to say that we have a lot of fun, but what we HAVE done has only served to harden our resolve to not have actual technical intercourse until we are married. We have tried to stop, but the problem is that we sort of live together so the ‘sleeping in the same bed’ makes stopping sexual intamacy practically impossible.

However, we have decided that during the engagement period we will live apart, and I am going to talk with my SO about going back to bikini-zone boundaries as well. This way we have some time before the wedding to: a) connect with each other in a completely sexually-intimate-free way. b) to reconnect with God (this is the main reason) and c) to make the wedding night just that little bit more special.

Also, while we dont regret what we did, I personally wish that we hadnt slipped quite so far so soon.

 

Post # 15
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

 What I meant is that it won’t be easy for ME, because one of the things I struggle with more than almost anything else is having a lack of patience to wait on God’s timing. God can and does do everything in his own time, and what is unsurmountable for us is cake for him. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@wolfpackforever. Life is a journey, your walk with God even moreso.

Be patient with yourself, and expect good things!

It will all come together, just like you said in his timing and in the meanwhile you will learn patience amongst other things.

Take it from one who knows and ALSO struggles with patience, hence, a waiting bee, STILL, lol!

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