- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I know this has been discussed before, but would you propose to your bf? Why or Why not?
I'm seriously considering proposing to him if he doesn't by 2011. His sister is getting married in October so I don't think he'd propose between now and then, well I'd hope he wouldn't I don't want to steal her thunder. We bought a house last October and we're having Christmas at our house this year so, both of our families would be there. It would kind of be the perfect time to propose, but if he doesn't I'm thinking about doing it in Jan or Feb.
We've been together almost 5 years; he's had a lot of time to propose, so I don't really feel like I'm stealing his moment. I know a big reason he hasn't proposed yet is because he likes things the way they are...well duh you like things the way they are we already live exactly like we're married!
I'm all for woman proposing if they want to, but for me personally I wouldn't do it. I know my bf is saving for a ring (actually, we are saving together), and he has it planned out how he wants to do it. I have been waiting 2.5 years and I know it wont happen for at least another year. I wish it was sooner but I know he is waiting to get the "perfect" ring and already has the proposal planned out.
I think it would hurt his pride and probably hurt his feelings.
If your BF doesn't feel the need to get married maybe you need to have a serious discussion about how important it is to you so you can get on the same page.
I wouldn't because of my own insecurities. I know if I did, I would always be wondering if he was marrying me because he wanted to, or because he didn't want to reject me. Illogical? Maybe. But that's the way I'd feel.
Even though I'm all for women's independence (I'm an attorney, making twice as much as my SO, who happily cooks and cleans), in some areas I'm a stickler for tradition. I want to take my SO's name and have a traditional proposal and wedding. It's just something I've looked forward to my whole life.
As for your situation, OP, I don't know what to say. I really don't understand men who will purchase homes with women, have kids with women and live as a married couple, but won't actually get married. In fact, it pisses me off. I think you should totally propose to your SO. Sh**t or get off the pot, buddy.
@Boston - I wouldn't propose in your situation either.
@ Lexlers - lol That's pretty much exactly how I feel. I really don't understand what the hold up is. I just really don't understand what he thinks is going to be so different after we're married? Seriously, the only thing that would change would be my name and we'd probably share a health insurance plan.
I feel like it's the whole "why buy the cow when you get the milk free thing" And I don't even mean that in regards to sex. I mean he already has a 'wife'. I know I make it too easy for him not to propose, but I like the way we live and I don't want to change it, I just want the security and recognition that marriage gives.
I wouldn't, I think I like our traditional roles. But if that's the relationship you and your SO have then by all means do what you think best suits you.
A side note though. Have you been talking about getting married/engaged at all? Maybe you should start by having a honest to heart talk about it. Your expectations what you both want and see yourselves. My point is talk to him let him know that this is where you see things going. Maybe outright come out and say "what do you think about getting engaged early next year" Let him know you want to have some concrete plans in moving forward and take things from there.
He might surprise you with his response.
Good Luck!
@ picturemeurs - Yes we've talked about it. The first time we talked about it was probably May of last year and he told me he hadn't even been thinking about it. We talked about it again a few months ago and he told me he'd been thinking about it a lot since we bought the house, but he's still not ready. He says he likes the way things are now - why change it?
I would have, I'd already had some thoughts about it and given a year or two would have absolutely done it. But, ah, he proposed before we were much into our second year of dating so I had no time to get into the mindframe of doing it and I prefered it that way because I asked him to move in, it was his turn. :)
I want to put in a vote against "having a heart to heart and discuss it" advice. I know that's considered the 'mature' and 'sensible' thing to do these days. But some things don't need to be discussed.
You want to marry him - propose. IMO proposing when you want to marry someone makes a lot more sense and comes across more secure/less weird then "what do you think about marriage? can we discuss your timeline?" I know that if my FI had said, what do you think about marriage? I would have considered that him proposing but being too chicken to say the words. To me - communicating a desire to marry - proposal. Now, I'm sure that would have worked out fine, its not like I'd have said no or anything - but I'm glad he just proposed.
Now if he says no, you'll have to have a number of discussions of course.
But I say, go, go, go! Do it!
Honestly, it's not a bad idea. If your options are either give him an ultimatum or propose yourself, I think proposing is the better idea.
That being said, I could never do it. Not even because it's not traditional, but I would not want to be robbed of that moment. I am looking foward to when it happens and seeing how he does it (assuming he does eventually!) so I wouldn't want to do it because I'd miss out on that special moment.
But for me, personally, I would not want to do it if he has already stated that he's not ready. It just seems like an invitation to being rejected, which would be so heartbreaking. I do respect the fact that you are taking control of a situation you don't like. I hope it turns out well for you
YES! I LOVE the idea of the girl proposing to the guy!
However, it completely depends on your situation. If he is one of those guys that is excited about being the one popping the question (it sounds like this is not the case, OP), you might want to give him his chance. This doesn't mean you can't still "propose" too. DH and I talked openly about marriage and proposals and considered both of us planning a proposal. Really, the question had already been asked and answered, so it was more a matter of planning something special for the other person. In the end, we planned an engagement trip together.
In your case, OP, you might want to be cautious because it sounds like he might not be ready to get married yet. You can certainly ask, but maybe you should warm him to the idea a little more first so that he's not completely shocked and/or scared by the idea. (Not that he will be! I just know that the first time DH mentioned marriage to me I was freaked out, so I was glad it wasn't THE moment when I had to say yes/no) Good luck! :)
I don't have a problem with a woman proposing per se, but it sounds like he's not ready to be married. If he's not ready, then it doesn't matter who does the proposing. I'm afraid that he may be put in the supremely awkward position of rejecting your proposal if you do it before he wants to get married.
I voted no because it will make you wonder for the rest of your life if he wanted to actually marry you or just accepted the proposal to go a long with what you want.
Obviously in your situation its a bit hard to see that he wants marraige anytime soon and maybe never. If you guys have already accomplished what married people still would like to have and accomplish , then as he sees it..there is no point of spending money on a wedding and a ring on top of everything you guys are dealing with.
I wouldn't propose and I think you need to wait and talk more about it with him and make it clear to him that you want what you want out of your relationship. If he isnt ready for it now or later and you are , then maybe you need to re-think on how long you can wait and if you need to move on.
This is something I never considered- what I mean is, until weddingbee, I never thought is was possible. Okay, I need to explain! I know some bees have done this, but for me- even though I am an open-minded free-spirit, I secretly always wanted someone to BEG me to marry them. I have a lot of ..well...emotions maybe?... tied up with marriage. My mom was married 4 times (and hopefully NOT counting) and it was extremely horrible for me as her youngest daughter. Where am I going with this? I just never thought marriage was an option for me because of these things I have been through, and I always saw my mother as this marriage hungry person. I guess I never wanted to be like that, and I wanted a man to really prove himself to me. Mainly, I never wanted to be my mother! So, it is very personal for me.
On a more objective note, I think it is a very interesting idea. I don't believe in gender roles... I just think that my personal experience really clouds my vision on this one. In a way, I like the confidence of it- it is a very empowering idea, and would be a very empowering position to be in, to really believe that you have the power to propose. I guess I just have this thing, I want the man to prove he will be there for me. I want to be begged. (Not gonna lie.)
No, I wouldn't propose. He's the man, he proposes. (don't start listing roles and stuff, she asked a question, I answered. )
Aside from me NOT proposing, my SO would laugh at me. He's not the type who would let me do it. He wants to do it and he has told me this is his big thing. :)
I don't see anything wrong with it I am very traditional in some sense but a feminist in other. I believe woman should have equal rights and all that good stuff LOL
But I sort of believe that if a guy wants to get married then he will propose. And if he's not proposing because he doesn't want to get married I wouldn't want someone to turn me down or say yes just because they feel bad.
I'm just worried that if your boyfriend said he's not ready, what do you think he would do if you proposed? My FI started talking about marriage originally and I wasn't ready at that time so he pushed back and we brought the topic up again in a year and I was ready so he proposed. But I don't know what I would have done if he proposed after I told him I wasn't ready for marriage. I probably would of said no and then we would never be where we are today.
I think there are some relationships/situations in which the woman proposing is totally appropriate and wonderful. There was a story here a while back on the Proposals board where a bee did propose to her man and it was awesome, romantic even!
But I would say as a general rule, the vast majority of men would not be comfortable with it, and I also would go so far as to say that the vast majority of women would not be comfortable with it in the long run. Whether it be that they later became jealous of hearing friends' stories of their husbands having proposed to them, or like pp have said, doubting that their own husband truly did want to get engaged/married at that time, or if they were just avoiding hurting your feelings.
For me personally, I can say with 100% confidence that my man would be honestly offended if I legitimately proposed on bended knee to him. It would be one thing if we were just casually talking over a glass of wine or something and I looked into his eyes and smiled, "Babe, will you marry me?" to which he would reply, "Of course, I can't wait to!" -- not at all considering that an actual proposal. But if I full-on tried to propose, he would first of all probably think I was joking, then once he realized I was serious, he would probably honestly stop me in my tracks and say, "Of course I want to marry you, but this is my job here!" and in a way, reject my proposal. So nope, this is not ever going to be an option for me.
For you though OP, I would implement Mr. Bee's Plan to the fullest extent you can. That, I think, is going to be best for your situation, because I don't think you truly want to be the one proposing. Check it out if you haven't already and go for it! (the Plan, not the proposal, :)
If you want to do it, do it quietly and NOT in front of family/friends. You don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like he's not 'manly' enough or whatever. I did this to my bf and I think it hurt his feelings a bit making him feel like I felt like he was never going to step up and do it.
How long have you been together?
i would "propose" every day for about 2 months before my man got down on his knee. It became like our little inside joke. I think that a girl could ask her guy. But for me; I wanted to be asked.
I think the poll needs a "Yes, but..." option. 
Yes, I would happily propose to my SO but when I mentioned it to him it was like I had made some huge breach of decorum. He even got kind of huffy about it and said that it was HIS job to propose to me! Great, fine, wonderful, lovely, I love being a girl, you do your macho man thing. Just move your butt already!
I don't think there's anything wrong with a gal doing it, but for me personally it's a "no." It's something I might consider were I dating someone else, but my guy is pretty traditional when it comes to these things and I don't think he'd like it very much.
Lots of different kinds of responses I'm even more confused about whether to do it or not lol If he proposes I'd be happy, if I propose and he says yes I'd be happy. It really doesn't matter either way to me. I don't think it would matter to him. I don't intend on doing it for another 6 or 7 months, so I have time to think!
Our whole relationship I've been the one to move things forward. He gets comfortable and he doesn't welcome change - that's just him. Not just relationship wise either. I wanted a dog I had to spend a couple of months convincing him we should get one. He ended up being very happy with the decision. Then a year later I wanted to get another one and we had to go through the same process again.
Someone asked "What if he says no?" Well what if anyone says no?
I feel like I'm stuck between 'not wanting to pressure him' and 'giving him the push he needs'.
I think you're way past the "don't pressure him" stage. You've been together 4 years, yes? Own a home together? Dogs? It's put up or shut up time. He has no logical reason to not be "ready" and thus, has no right to not get any pressure. He's not a child, he's a man and it's time he mans up.
He said himself he's comfortable the way things are, that's why he hasn't proposed. This is the definition of a guy who needs a push (or a hard kick in the ass depending on how you're feeling that day). He just doesn't seem the type to make any sort of change on his own without a push. As much as you might like for him to come to some sort of ephiphany all by himself that he can't live without you and must marry you right now, he's probably not going to. He's honestly got no reason to, outside of your desire to get married. And even that doesn't seem to be enough to get him to move his arse. I'm sure he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but if you want that ring and marriage certificate, methinks you're gonna have to work for it.
I'm the breadwinner in our family. I have been waiting for almost four years for a ring and proposal. I know what ring I'll be getting but I have no idea when. If I could just ask him and get started on everything, I'd be giddy. I think it would definitely be a blow to his manliness though. He already feels bad to some degree that in our household, he can't contribute as much. I know he'd feel terrible if he wasn't able to give me the ring and proposal he knows I want. At the same time, I've told him I'd really like him to buy me a band first and the diamond ring later. I also suggested he use some of his student loan money because he gets tons to buy the band and he acted like that was crazy. He seems to think that once he graduates (2011) and gets a job, he'll save for three months and then buy a ring and ask me. Of course, by that time I'll be 30 (he's 2 years younger) and I'll need a year to plan our destination wedding and we'll have been together for 6-7 years by the time we get married...even though he moved in 6 months in. Can you tell I'm a little impatient? I want him to finish school of course, but he's terrible at planning and thinking ahead and while I can't propose to him, I'm pretty sure I'm still going to be waiting when I'm 35. (Did I mention he wants to go to grad school and maybe get married after that?) I'm terrifyed that his pokieness (and his inability to remember that I'm older and impatient) will mean that i'll be 37 before we can start having kids. Sometimes I think, "maybe he'll do it really soon!" and other times I think, "He's going to forget to think about it and he'll finally get around to it when I'm 50." So...I don't have an answer for you but clearly a lot of pent up anguish. What do you do when you know you can't propose but he's clearly not going to do it any time soon?
I think you're way past the "don't pressure him" stage. You've been together 4 years, yes? Own a home together? Dogs? It's put up or shut up time. He has no logical reason to not be "ready" and thus, has no right to not get any pressure. He's not a child, he's a man and it's time he mans up.
AMEN. :-D
After your last post, lilybee, I just wanted to ditto what lezlers said and add that I don't think you are going to want to look back at your relationship in 5/10 years and think, "Geez, I had to walk him through each and every meaningful decision for our lives, and not one of them did he make on his own. Did he really ever want to start a life with me? Or did I just take him by the hand and drag him into it?" I really think you are going to doubt that he ever chose you as his partner, and for a woman, that can be a very difficult thing to digest emotionally.
He needs to prove to you for once in your lives that he has decided on his own that he wants you, and this relationship, and everything that comes along with it for the rest of your days together. You deserve that reassurance.
Personally, I wouldn't. He knows I want to be asked, and he will ask when the time is right.
But in your situation, I would have to say... maybe? I think perhaps you need to have a bit more of a discussion. He has said that he isnt ready for marriage and that he is comfortable the way things are... well would he feel the same if he knew just how much you wanted it? I think you need to lay a bit more ground work with him so that he can get comfortable with the idea of marriage first before you propose to him.
To be honest, I don't understand why a woman proposing to a man provokes any more worries about whether they both really want to get married than vice versa. I think it depends entirely on the dynamics of particular relationships...in mine, I was definitely the one dragging my feet, which is one reason that neither of us 'proposed' to the other (we just talked it over one day).
I think the real question here is DOES HE want to get married ? ever? i know some guys just dont want to do that.
@kt - He's not against marriage. He does want to get married eventually. He's talked about "when we get married" too. I just don't know what's going on in his head! :-) And it's not that we haven't talked about it. Either he doesn't know what's going on or he's not comfortable telling me.
The plan is for us to get married this year, we've been together 9 years, own our on house, planning on kids next year. I told him that if he doesn't propose by NYE, I will propose to him and he laughed and said it was going to happen this year, so not to worry about it.
I was speaking to my manicurist last night thought and she said she proposed to her husband, and now she taunts him everytime there's a proposal on tv or in a movie because she never got to experience it for herself.
My boyfriend told me early in our relationship he would HATE to be proposed to. I never had wanted to so that wasn't an issue.
I spend too much time daydreaming about my guy down on one knee saying something sweet and asking me to marry him. To me that's worth the wait. I do hope he actually gets down on one knee.
I do respect that every relationship has different dynamics and I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman proposing. It's just not my style. Good luck with whatever you decide!
i don't see anything wrong with it but i know the bf would not appreciate being proposed to. i think if i did propose i would be taking away a very important event for him and be kinda pushy. he sees the proposal as his thing and i really don't want to deprive him of that.
I agree with littlemissmango for once in his life he needs to step it up and get out of his comfort zone. You need to find some way to convey that to him.
Have you asked him what he's waiting for? You guys have already made some major commitments together. I don't know what more he needs to be convinced that it's time for marriage. That would be the question I'd want to ask him before taking any steps. If he just hasn't thought about what he's waiting for, and is just using the "someday, we'll get married" response as an avoidance tactic for thinking about it, since society puts so much weight on marriage, that conversation might be really helpful. He might realize that he isn't actually waiting for anything substantial, and his avoidance tactic in senseless. Or maybe he'll realize something that suggests he doesn't actually want to get married. I don't know. I don't know you or your situation well enough to say more than that. But I would have that discussion, see what he says, and elt it sink in a little before proposing yourself.
About the female proposing, in general? Been there, rocked that. It was the right decision for us, and I wish more women would consider it. But it isn't the right decision for everyone.
I DID propose to him!! Got down on my knee with a ring. It happened in March 2010 and the wedding is 2011. He felt pressure to do the perfect proposal and the perfect ring and was just too nervous to do it. And....I was done waiting.
If it doesn't feel right, or you think...even a little bit...that it isn't right, then it probably isn't. But, if it's in your heart and his to get married, then I see no reason to GO FOR IT!!
I thought about proposing to him on a trip to Paris for my birthday, but in the end I didn't. I wasn't 100% sure where his head was on all the marriage stuff and I just wanted to enjoy the weekend. A few weeks later though I told him I was ready to get married. I didn't need a ring or a proposal, but I wanted him to decide if he wanted to marry me too, and tell me. He decided it was important to him to buy the ring and propose, so he did (on my next birthday). It was wonderful and it makes for a very romantic story which I love. But I wouldn't have minded it happening any other way, since the main thing is we get married at the end! For all of our friends, the guy bought the ring and proposed and I think he would somehow feel less of a man if he did it any other way because his mates would have given him a hard time :) Guys are worse than girls sometimes!
Just want to clarify that I would have no problem with a female proposing in general. For ME, it wasn't the way to go.
I knew DH wanted his moment too.
I'd rather not, I don't see anything wrong with anyone in the relationship proposing. I'm actually thinking about sneaking and getting him a nice band and proposing (even though he already did) getting down on one knee and everything. He'd be tickled.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se but I did vote no. Two reasons:
Hell Yes!
My FI and I have been living together for six years (but financially independent) and although we had spoken about marriage the thought of him proposing to me sent me into a cold sweat and was the stuff of my nightmares!
Fast forward to one afternoon at work and I just decided I was ready - and I can honestly say that making the choice in my own time and on my own terms was such a liberating and settling experience.
Long story short, I proposed / cornered him in the car on the way home from work that day and we're getting married on February 5 next year :-)
And on another note, don't throw away a good relationship just because he won't / hasn't asked you. My hairdresser has told her partner (and father of her three children) that if he doesn't propose to her within the next two years she's leaving him - crazy!
Haha, I did (in a way), he told me no, then proposed later that day!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ticatica | 13 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 12 |
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| aussiebee | 10 |
| janetsnakehole | 8 |
| Scottish_lassie | 7 |
| GelaMac | 6 |
| j_jaye | 5 |
| MrsMSmith | 5 |
| Rivendeler | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Scottish_lassie | 4 |
| pharlap | 4 |
| aussiebee | 2 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 2 |
| MrsOliveBird | 1 |
| kat2014 | 1 |
| miss_blondie86 | 1 |
| Snow00774 | 1 |
| TKR | 1 |
