Post # 1
I know this has been discussed before, but would you propose to your bf? Why or Why not?
I’m seriously considering proposing to him if he doesn’t by 2011. His sister is getting married in October so I don’t think he’d propose between now and then, well I’d hope he wouldn’t I don’t want to steal her thunder. We bought a house last October and we’re having Christmas at our house this year so, both of our families would be there. It would kind of be the perfect time to propose, but if he doesn’t I’m thinking about doing it in Jan or Feb.
We’ve been together almost 5 years; he’s had a lot of time to propose, so I don’t really feel like I’m stealing his moment. I know a big reason he hasn’t proposed yet is because he likes things the way they are…well duh you like things the way they are we already live exactly like we’re married!
Post # 3
I’m all for woman proposing if they want to, but for me personally I wouldn’t do it. I know my bf is saving for a ring (actually, we are saving together), and he has it planned out how he wants to do it. I have been waiting 2.5 years and I know it wont happen for at least another year. I wish it was sooner but I know he is waiting to get the “perfect” ring and already has the proposal planned out.
I think it would hurt his pride and probably hurt his feelings.
If your BF doesn’t feel the need to get married maybe you need to have a serious discussion about how important it is to you so you can get on the same page.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t because of my own insecurities. I know if I did, I would always be wondering if he was marrying me because he wanted to, or because he didn’t want to reject me. Illogical? Maybe. But that’s the way I’d feel.
Even though I’m all for women’s independence (I’m an attorney, making twice as much as my SO, who happily cooks and cleans), in some areas I’m a stickler for tradition. I want to take my SO’s name and have a traditional proposal and wedding. It’s just something I’ve looked forward to my whole life.
As for your situation, OP, I don’t know what to say. I really don’t understand men who will purchase homes with women, have kids with women and live as a married couple, but won’t actually get married. In fact, it pisses me off. I think you should totally propose to your SO. Sh**t or get off the pot, buddy.
Post # 5
@Boston – I wouldn’t propose in your situation either.
@ Lexlers – lol That’s pretty much exactly how I feel. I really don’t understand what the hold up is. I just really don’t understand what he thinks is going to be so different after we’re married? Seriously, the only thing that would change would be my name and we’d probably share a health insurance plan.
I feel like it’s the whole “why buy the cow when you get the milk free thing” And I don’t even mean that in regards to sex. I mean he already has a ‘wife’. I know I make it too easy for him not to propose, but I like the way we live and I don’t want to change it, I just want the security and recognition that marriage gives.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t, I think I like our traditional roles. But if that’s the relationship you and your SO have then by all means do what you think best suits you.
A side note though. Have you been talking about getting married/engaged at all? Maybe you should start by having a honest to heart talk about it. Your expectations what you both want and see yourselves. My point is talk to him let him know that this is where you see things going. Maybe outright come out and say “what do you think about getting engaged early next year” Let him know you want to have some concrete plans in moving forward and take things from there.
He might surprise you with his response.
Post # 7
@ picturemeurs – Yes we’ve talked about it. The first time we talked about it was probably May of last year and he told me he hadn’t even been thinking about it. We talked about it again a few months ago and he told me he’d been thinking about it a lot since we bought the house, but he’s still not ready. He says he likes the way things are now – why change it?
Post # 8
I would have, I’d already had some thoughts about it and given a year or two would have absolutely done it. But, ah, he proposed before we were much into our second year of dating so I had no time to get into the mindframe of doing it and I prefered it that way because I asked him to move in, it was his turn. 🙂
I want to put in a vote against “having a heart to heart and discuss it” advice. I know that’s considered the ‘mature’ and ‘sensible’ thing to do these days. But some things don’t need to be discussed.
You want to marry him – propose. IMO proposing when you want to marry someone makes a lot more sense and comes across more secure/less weird then “what do you think about marriage? can we discuss your timeline?” I know that if my FI had said, what do you think about marriage? I would have considered that him proposing but being too chicken to say the words. To me – communicating a desire to marry – proposal. Now, I’m sure that would have worked out fine, its not like I’d have said no or anything – but I’m glad he just proposed.
Now if he says no, you’ll have to have a number of discussions of course.
But I say, go, go, go! Do it!
Post # 9
Honestly, it’s not a bad idea. If your options are either give him an ultimatum or propose yourself, I think proposing is the better idea.
That being said, I could never do it. Not even because it’s not traditional, but I would not want to be robbed of that moment. I am looking foward to when it happens and seeing how he does it (assuming he does eventually!) so I wouldn’t want to do it because I’d miss out on that special moment.
But for me, personally, I would not want to do it if he has already stated that he’s not ready. It just seems like an invitation to being rejected, which would be so heartbreaking. I do respect the fact that you are taking control of a situation you don’t like. I hope it turns out well for you
Post # 10
YES! I LOVE the idea of the girl proposing to the guy!
However, it completely depends on your situation. If he is one of those guys that is excited about being the one popping the question (it sounds like this is not the case, OP), you might want to give him his chance. This doesn’t mean you can’t still “propose” too. DH and I talked openly about marriage and proposals and considered both of us planning a proposal. Really, the question had already been asked and answered, so it was more a matter of planning something special for the other person. In the end, we planned an engagement trip together.
In your case, OP, you might want to be cautious because it sounds like he might not be ready to get married yet. You can certainly ask, but maybe you should warm him to the idea a little more first so that he’s not completely shocked and/or scared by the idea. (Not that he will be! I just know that the first time DH mentioned marriage to me I was freaked out, so I was glad it wasn’t THE moment when I had to say yes/no) Good luck! 🙂
Post # 11
I don’t have a problem with a woman proposing per se, but it sounds like he’s not ready to be married. If he’s not ready, then it doesn’t matter who does the proposing. I’m afraid that he may be put in the supremely awkward position of rejecting your proposal if you do it before he wants to get married.
Post # 12
I voted no because it will make you wonder for the rest of your life if he wanted to actually marry you or just accepted the proposal to go a long with what you want.
Obviously in your situation its a bit hard to see that he wants marraige anytime soon and maybe never. If you guys have already accomplished what married people still would like to have and accomplish , then as he sees it..there is no point of spending money on a wedding and a ring on top of everything you guys are dealing with.
I wouldn’t propose and I think you need to wait and talk more about it with him and make it clear to him that you want what you want out of your relationship. If he isnt ready for it now or later and you are , then maybe you need to re-think on how long you can wait and if you need to move on.
Post # 13
This is something I never considered- what I mean is, until weddingbee, I never thought is was possible. Okay, I need to explain! I know some bees have done this, but for me- even though I am an open-minded free-spirit, I secretly always wanted someone to BEG me to marry them. I have a lot of ..well…emotions maybe?… tied up with marriage. My mom was married 4 times (and hopefully NOT counting) and it was extremely horrible for me as her youngest daughter. Where am I going with this? I just never thought marriage was an option for me because of these things I have been through, and I always saw my mother as this marriage hungry person. I guess I never wanted to be like that, and I wanted a man to really prove himself to me. Mainly, I never wanted to be my mother! So, it is very personal for me.
On a more objective note, I think it is a very interesting idea. I don’t believe in gender roles… I just think that my personal experience really clouds my vision on this one. In a way, I like the confidence of it- it is a very empowering idea, and would be a very empowering position to be in, to really believe that you have the power to propose. I guess I just have this thing, I want the man to prove he will be there for me. I want to be begged. (Not gonna lie.)
Post # 14
No, I wouldn’t propose. He’s the man, he proposes. (don’t start listing roles and stuff, she asked a question, I answered. )
Aside from me NOT proposing, my SO would laugh at me. He’s not the type who would let me do it. He wants to do it and he has told me this is his big thing. 🙂
Post # 16
I don’t see anything wrong with it I am very traditional in some sense but a feminist in other. I believe woman should have equal rights and all that good stuff LOL
But I sort of believe that if a guy wants to get married then he will propose. And if he’s not proposing because he doesn’t want to get married I wouldn’t want someone to turn me down or say yes just because they feel bad.
I’m just worried that if your boyfriend said he’s not ready, what do you think he would do if you proposed? My FI started talking about marriage originally and I wasn’t ready at that time so he pushed back and we brought the topic up again in a year and I was ready so he proposed. But I don’t know what I would have done if he proposed after I told him I wasn’t ready for marriage. I probably would of said no and then we would never be where we are today.