Fertility Discussions Before Marriage?

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sugarcube:  I think it is worth discussing further, but not stressing about.  I’d want to just make sure we were both on the same page about generally what kind of circumstances would warrant trying more invasive procedures and what wouldn’t.  You don’t necessarily have to have a plan laid out for every situation, but a general idea that you are both on the same page would be nice.  Although, either party has the right to change their mind about it at any time, so even if you agree to a general course of action now, that doesn’t mean it will play out that way in the future.

Do you have any reason to believe you may have difficulty conceiving? The answer to that question would determine how much more discussion would be needed in your scenario.

 

Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Totally in this boat right now and I FEEL YOUR CRAZY! We are the kind of people who worry about EVERYTHING if we let ourselves. It is a learning process to cross bridges when we come to them. To us, marriage means we will work though it whether we talk about it or not. For this instance, talking about infertility only fuels the fire of unwarranted worry when chances are we might just get preggers the first time we bone after saying I do. I was on BC for 5 years, just went off of it and we are getting married in May, planning on getting preg that night. ha. It’s hard not to think about and smart to talk about, if even to say, “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My few cents about marriage, prepping for marriage and how things change…

It’s great that you are having discussions about the tough things, many people don’t. They just get married, bury their head in the sand, and end up finding out things about their spouse they don’t agree with or likfe after they get married.

HOWEVER… people change, their opinions change, their feelings change…. You cannot “bulletproof” yourselves against change. You can’t necessarily make a black and white decision together about something like what you would do in case of infertility, and expect that decision to hold true when the time comes. We all go into marriage knowing what we know, and doing the best we can. That’s all we CAN do, so for sanity sake, take a deep breath and understand that things may and can and will change in your marriage. And it will be ok. You’ll get through it, you’ll love each other and deal with it… Or you won’t be able to. And if you can’t, you’ll deal with that too.

On the subject of fertility…. Unless one of you has a very specific opinion about it one way or the other, I think that you are borrowing stress and worry. People’s feelings change on that subject DRASTICALLY when they are actually in that situation. Until you are in that situation, you cannot predict how either of you will feel. I do think it’s worth possibly discussing fruther, but you both have to realiae you cannot make a decision on something that may never happen. Especially something as emotional as fertility.

Post # 7
Member
8592 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sugarcube:  I don’t have any issues with fertility (so far) but we did talk about this in our relationship, kind of casually before we got married. 

Two big things for me would be 1) what do we have the $ to do? are you willing to go into debt or use all/most your savings? and 2) how long/how much are we/I willing to go through?

So we discussed things like that.

I don’t think it’s anything to get stressed about.  You really can’t know until you get there or how you will feel years down the road.  There’s only so much you can do.  As long as you agree on big issues now, I think that’s all you can do.

Oh, and I was on BCP for 16 years and ovulated within 2 weeks of going off (and got pregnant), so I wouldn’t take a long stint on BCP as a reason for fertility problems!  I thought I could have problems since I had had really bad and irregular periods before I went on BCP (I was very young though) and I had no idea what my cycle would be like off BCP. 

Post # 8
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sugarcube:  Your FI wants to be presented with a “mini-me.”  I think you should question his ability to be an equal parent to a biological vs. adopted child.  

Post # 10
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sugarcube:  I hear what you’re saying. I think you guys discussing it at all is important and it sounds like you have a general gameplan and can stop worrying too much about it.  You can’t fully prepare for what will happen in the future. Like I said, you could agree to something now but that doesn’t mean someone won’t change their mind in the future and have it cause problems.  

I think if you are reasonably healthy and have no cause for concern over fertility, I think it’s fine to table the discussion for now.  It’s definitley not something you sohuld really be stressing about.  If it makes you feel any better, I was on BC for 10 years straight and got pregnant having unprotected sex one random time a month after I stopped!  Yes, some people it takes a while to regulate, but there are a lot of people that everything goes back to normal right away, too!  

Post # 11
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am very glad that you have talked aobut this, as it is beyond important to know eachothers opinions going in.  That said, at this point, they are opinions.  They aren’t based on circumstances at all.  And IF you find out that there are fertility issues between the two of you, those circumstances will be very different than they are right now. 

If you want to settle your mind for now, I would ask your FI if he would stay with you if you were not able to give him bio-children.  That is much more important than if IVF is on the table.  IVF is not a magic bullet of fertility.  It’s costly, and its not 100% effective.  The baby may not take, or you could just have a womb that is unable to carry a child to term.  If his answer to that question is no, even if IVF was on the table for you, you kind of have to be done at that point. 

Post # 13
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@MsJ2theZ:  +1

You “bulletproof” your marriage by working on your communication and conflict resolution skills, not by trying to plan for these sorts of huge things. IMO, you really don’t know what you will do until you are standing at that particular precipice. We had a fantastic plan. 8 months ago I had an epihany moment and decided I wanted to throw away that plan and create a new one with a totally different focus and direction. Having a plan didn’t “bulletproof” our marriage. Our ability to work through disagreements and keep the lines of communication open are what has saved us.

Post # 14
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@sugarcube:  Yes people do think love conquers all, and they aren’t realistic.

I think that, if you were to have a conversation about this and you DID say those things to each other now “I don’t think I can do IVF”, “well I 100% have to have a bio baby”. Then that may really be a problem.

But, if you are both open now and you really aren’t sure how you’re going to feel, THAT IS OK! How are you even supposed to know how you’re going to feel without being in that situation? Things like finances are a lot different, you’ve been dealing with money for your entire adult life, you know how each of you lean regarding money, and you can discuss how to compromise. Things like POSSIBLE infertility issues aren’t anything you can predict. I am sure that the bee who has been posting recently and has left her husband over IVF, NEVER would have thought this would have happened. But, she’s going to deal with it, and she’s going to move forward and on. 

Come to a place in this discussion where you are both comfortable with your “possible reactions” in a situation that honestly is probably unlikely if neither of you have any reason to believe you are infertile as of now, and then just accept it. Acceptance will go a long way in a happy agreeable marriage. Acceptance that you won’t always agree, that you will have things pop up that you could ever have planned for, that you are two different people who will and can change, and that you’ll have to work through it one way or the other.

 

Post # 15
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MsJ2theZ:  I really loved your answer to this… It actually really helped me feel at peace reading it. : )

@sugarcube:  I think this is SUCH an important topic. I will be getting married this summer and FI and I have always been on the same page about wanting children very much (someday) and The Bee has actually really opened my eyes to the fact that it really isn’t always as simple as “we want a baby now!  Let’s make it happen” like I always thought…  I think further discussion is a great idea but I agree with J2theZ that we can’t be entirely prepared for every circumstance that could present a challenge in our marriages.  I do think it sounds like you guys are setting yourselves up for a pretty wonderful marriage however.  : ) 

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