Weddingbee boards

The title says it all really - SO's dad gave away his cat.

So my SO has had these two adorable cats for about 10 years or more, since he was very young. He moved away a few years ago and so the cats stayed with his parents. His mum then passed away less than 3 years ago. We used to be a really close family unit but now we see SO's dad less and less, me in particular. He chose to go on a cruise this Christmas so SO has spent Christmas with me and my family. We've been sleeping at his dad's house each night though and I was happy to see one of the cats on the first night but commented I hadn't seen the other. At this point, SO announces that his dad gave the other one away to "a family who live on a farm". We don't live in a place with a lot of farms, nor do we know of any families with farms, nor was SO asked about his feelings on this before a cat that is technically his childhood pet was given away to people who are strangers to us. We will now never see her again. I am upset so it breaks my heart to think of how upset SO must be on the inside. He isn't very good at expressing his emotions and he is very laidback so he sort of told his dad he was annoyed at the time but it's in the past for him now. I just can't get over his dad being so heartless though. So loves both of the cats.

What would you do in this situation? Confront his dad when he gets back from the cruise to reiterate that he has upset SO and myself by not talking to us before giving her away? Ask his dad to tell us where she is so we can claim her back (maybe the crazy option because we live in a rented place where we can't have pets)?

@VickyAurea: I don't think you can confront his dad about a cat. Maybe the cat died and he is trying to be aloof about it. Regardless, your SO left the cat years ago, if he loves them that much you should have them in your care. Lastly, I did not have a childhood pet so maybe I am not sensitive enough to this situation.

@KatyElle: @mwitter80: It's not really a case of them not being his cats any more of him giving them away specifically to someone else' care. He went to uni to study so he left the family home. Then his mum died and we both visit home less, so it has become his dad's house now rather than the family home. He has mentioned getting rid of her before because he didn't like her (no idea why, she is just as lovely as the other cat) and we said then we'd like to have her. Only we haven't taken her because we are renting atm and saving to get our own place (and cats) asap. I know what you both mean though, which is why we're both annoyed but don't feel we can really say much about it. I'm more concerned with the lack of general concern his dad has for him now, as his only family member. I know SO said he didn't mind having no family his Christmas but it broke my heart to hear his dad was leaving him. Everyone has the right to their own life, I know, but I just get really sad thinking how they were a lovely family before SO's mum died. SO's dad didn't even remember to get me a present this Christmas - it's like he is tailing off from even being family to us at all. (If you wanted to psychoanalyse it, I think what disturbs me most is the idea that my SO could end up being this cold to me and his own children in years to come, as he can be a bit like his dad sometimes.)

 @Soladylike: @jumpthegun: @Stassney: You'd think so, yes, and it did occur to me he could mean that. But SO said no. And knowing his dad, and how much his dad wanted to get rid of that cat (because he wanted just 1, not because she was a bad cat), I can believe it. I find him cold-hearted.

I think you should let this be between SO and his dad since it doesn't involve you. If he is really upset about it, the two of them can have that conversation. 

@jumpthegun: That's my point. Do I raise the subject so he tells us before giving away the remaining cat in the future if he gets fed up of that one too?

@kay01: No, the cat did not die. It was understandable when the first commenters said this but not it is just patronising to tell me you think it died when I have already addressed the issue of it not being a euphemism in this instance.

When his dad mentioned getting rid of the cat before, it was in passing, not a serious remark that we thought was going to happen. We have not had an option of having a home that allows pets - I only just finished uni this year and now we are paying off debts and starting careers. We don't have the money to buy a house or a move to a super expensive place that allows pets. It is not a case of him saying he was going to get rid of the cat and then doing so because we didn't help him out. We obviously told him don't give away the cats and we can't have them right now but we would do (and we also thought he was being grumpy and joking as that is his way). There also is not the risk of him getting rid of the remaining cat, not imediately, as he says he wants this cat but just didn't want them both together.

I suppose I see it differently to a lot of you who say it is not anything to do with me because, to me, this is a second home and those are our family pets. I've been staying here and treating it as my own home since I was practically a child.

@kay01: Seeing FFIL more regularly is not easy when the one time of year we come home for 2 weeks he plans a cruise trip, leaving SO with no family for Christas. He said last year when visiting us that it's good he only has to see his child twice a year now. He is aways grumpy and joking, so who knows if he meant it or not. But that is how he acts - relieved of not having to act like a parent any more.

@kay01: Nope, he has always been grumpy. That is just his way. He is also sort of rude/mildly offensive, which is why we also never knew he was actually considering giving the cat away, despite him saying it in passing. Of course I understand that losing his wife was awful for him. It was awful for all of us, and it still hurts a lot.

Sure, he should be able to give us an address when he returns from his holiday but whether or not I ask for that (or any) information is the question. That is my point in creating this thread - to ask whether people think it would be an over-reaction to ask him about his decision, about if he considered how SO would feel about him just sending the cat to live with strangers and also to ask you guys if you thought some sort of cat rescue mission would be totally crazy or would be worth doing if we can find a way to keep the cat ourselves. Clearly people think I should just leave it as it is.

Update: He got back from holiday and said "how's (the cat's name)? Not dead then? That's a shame." And then laughed. It made me laugh too, mainly in despair because there really is no way to tell when he is joking or being serious.