- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
New here, have been lurking and reading for awhile now though!
Been mulling over this problem for awhile now, and could do with some bee wisdom…
Background: I’m 42, engaged since August 2010, will be my 2nd marriage. FI is 40, never married. We’ve known each other for about 5 years, got together in August 2009. Very happy, committed relationship…but one slight fly in the ointment.
I have no family where we are, they are all back in Australia. I’ve never been close to my family as we spent my whole childhood being dragged around the world by my parents…who made no bones about the fact that they hadn’t really wanted children and saw us a bit of a impediment to the lifestyle they wanted to live.
So family has never been a priority to me. Fiercely independant, I suppose you could say I am. If I’ve got a problem I don’t go to family, I’ve had cancer twice and received less help and concern from my mother than you would get from a work colleague.
Fiance has a HUGE family, on both sides…Future Father-In-Law is one of 13, and they’ve all had kids, so Fiance has tonnes of cousins etc. He’s not super close to them, but family is important to him. I find family get togethers difficult, because I’m extremely shy, but I try my best and he appreciates it. I would never stop him spending time with his family.
The problem: Back in September 2010 his aunt turned 60. His uncle is super wealthy, and paid for about 20 people to travel to celebrate it…the whole shebang, flights, accommodation etc.
I’m in remission from cancer and my health hasn’t been too brilliant for awhile. My immune system is still badly compromised – I tend to get every virus going, which sometimes develop into something serious. My lungs are very badly scarred and I’ve been left with a permanent lung disease which flares up.
Unfortunately about 3 days before we were due to go on the birthday trip I had a bad attack…I was really ill, told my Fiance that I wasn’t well enough to travel, but was told that ‘it wouldn’t go down too well’ with the Future In-Laws if I didn’t as Uncle had paid for it all…
side note: it’s his maternal Uncle, they are all Scottish. While not ‘tight’ money is NOT wasted.
So we went. Lots of travelling on the first day, we arrive at about 5pm. I’m looking forward to freshening up before the evening entertainment begins. No such luck, we are straight out to the pub. Then on for a meal. Towards the end of the meal I’m feeling really ill, had to nip outside for some fresh air. We finally get back to where we are staying at about 12pm. About 15 of us are staying in a massive villa that the Uncle has hired. I go up to our room, am promptly physically ill. The others have gathered in the lounge room (directly below our bedroom) to continue drinking. I decide to go to bed, as there are is going to be a day trip out to a light railway the next morning, and I want to make sure I am well to go. Last words to Fiance are ‘please don’t stay up too long’……the party goes on to 9am the following morning. My Fiance finally makes it up to bed at 8am, drunk as a skunk, and passes out. FMIL knocks on our door at 10am, I can’t wake Fiance. I’ve had no sleep, and am very ill. Tell Future Mother-In-Law we are not coming. 2 cousins of Fiance don’t go on the trip for the same reason….Fiance is basically unconcious for the whole day. I’m upset as I’m ill, stuck in a room in a town I don’t know and absolutely exhausted from lack of sleep. The whole day is just a dead loss.
The next day is a barbeque. Me and Fiance help get it running, help make the food, socialize. As Fiance has work the next day we head off in the late evening, not making it home til the early hours of the morning.
About a week later Fiance goes around to his parents for Sunday dinner…only to be sat down and read the riot act for OUR ‘rude’ behavour on the trip. Apparently I didn’t make enough effort – translation: I didn’t stay up all night drinking. FI defends me, pointing out that they knew before the trip began that I was ill, and had done my best. FI is told by Future Father-In-Law that my illness is an ‘excuse’….there is more along the same lines, I think to not upset me further Fiance has not told me the worst.
Fast forward 6 months later and Future Father-In-Law is STILL going on about it! I’ve had to move back to my previous town as my exMIL was terminally ill with cancer and needed my help (that’s another story, but me and Fiance are very good friends with my exH, and I promised that I would help his mum when she was diagnosed) exMIL died about a month and a half ago, I’m doing work here so me and Fiance aren’t living together at the moment. We will be back together at the end of May.
I’ve only seen the Future In-Laws once since the trip, at New Year. FMIL was fine with me, but Future Father-In-Law barely said more than 5 words to me the whole 3 days I was there. Sadly Fiance doesn’t disagree when I now say Future Father-In-Law doesn’t like me…I just can’t believe that because I didn’t stay up all night getting drunk as a skunk he’s decided I’m no good! I was married to my exH for 15 years, his parents understood that I found dealing with family difficult and always made me feel welcome, and NEVER badmouthed me to exH!
Should I say anything to Future Father-In-Law, or should I wait longer and hope the dust settles? I still can’t believe he’s bringing this up after more than 6 months…one thing for sure though, I’m never going on a trip with them again!