FFIL told FI he thinks we should postpone the wedding…

posted 3 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am so sorry! What an uncomfortable position to put you both in! Just remember, you can never please everyone, and unfortunately, sometimes that means someone close to you being disatisfied with your decisions. HOWEVER, you two are the ones who are choosing to marry, not him, and therefore you two have to choose what is right for you both regardless of his father who does not have to live with the decision. 

 

Chin up! You are doing what is right for both of you and that is all that matters 🙂

Post # 5
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

🙂 Don’t let it get to you too much. My husband was retrenched about 3 months before our wedding without a package. That meant he ended up in debt and my parents were paying more than they had planned for the wedding, my mom asked us to consider postponing based purely on the fact that dh would have debt and life would be hard for a while. While I was upset at the time, we eventually spoke it out and decided not to purely because we’d be in the same situation whether we had the piece of paper or not. My mom came around very quickly once I made it clear we knew it would be hard but we would have been moving across country together for my new job anyway.

Let your fiance handle it 🙂 and you’ll probably find you ffil will come around soon enough, he is most likely just concerned that your marriage will be under strain from the finances. Our did come under strain from that (so I understand my mothers and possibly you ffil’s concern) but we came out stronger.

Post # 7
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@ifoundmyprince:  🙂 Don’t stress about it, most people struggle to understand their in laws I think. While I am grateful for everything my in laws have done for us, sometimes you need space.

Don’t tell him when you are going with the next one and just randomly bring him a cupcake, tell him you guys were just wandering around and saw this cupcake place and when you tried theirs they were wonderful and well you thought he might like one. He may also feel like he is losing his son in a way, it took my mom a while to realise she wasn’t losing me ( I moved 1400km away) but gaining a son, which is the way her parents always thought of my father.

Give him time but in the meantime maybe tone down wedding talk, most men have very little interest to begin with and he’s been through this before with your fbil so he probably just doesn’t understand why you spending so much time on something that he in his mind sees as could be half planned just through the experiences of fbil. I know it doesn’t work that way to us but sometimes men don’t see the big deal in weddings.

Post # 8
Member
6204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Judging from the way my parents treat me and my sister, I would say this is more about him being the youngest of that many kids, and less about your age or relationship. My mom EXPECTED me at 21 to pay for my own stuff, because I’m the oldest. She also expected me to do my own laundry, get my car serviced, be able to cook for myself, etc. Now that my younger sister is turning 21, my mother practically treats her like she is incompetent. She doesn’t LET her spend her own money, even though she makes more than I do right now. She won’t even let her go to the doctor by herself, calls me to make sure my sister has food that she can stick in the microwave, and constantly checks up on her. It’s a little absurd, and totally unfair (we both agree that I got the better deal lol). 

I think that since your FI’s parents have seen him as a baby and less mature than his siblings for so long, that’s having an effect. Unfortunately, that also means that it won’t change until he’s like… 30. So ignore it!

Post # 10
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

This sort of happened with me and my fiancé. we are both 20 will be 21 on our wedding day. Both our families are very religious and is living together/ getting married so youn rubbed a few of them the wrong way. My advice would be don’t give in because your basically saying they are right. We had a long engagement (2 years on our wedding day) and that helped too. Our engagement photos actually helped a lot too cuz they got to see our love for eachother in a different way. It took a long time for my ffil to approve of us getting married but he finally does. And my fmil has always “liked” me but talks crap behind my back to fsil and FH. And I just attribute it to her being crazy! Lol. But like I said don’t give in or they’ll think theyre right and that you agree your too young. 

Post # 11
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I thought I’d get comments about my age (I was 23 when engaged, FI was 24), and we will be 25 & 26 respectively, at the day of our wedding.   Surprisingly we have not had anyone say anything…  FI and I both have great jobs and handle our bills alone.   Though, we did just have to move into my parents basement apartment while we saved for a house. THAT is kind of humiliating. ):

Post # 12
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Aww, I’m sorry you are being put through this! 🙁

My husband & I are 21, & our decision to get married was fully supported by all of our family & friends. However, a few days after the wedding my husband’s mom had a bit of a melt-down when we went to visit her. She basically said that she felt like she was losing him to me & that we don’t need her as a person anymore since we have each other. She was really down on herself & since my husband is the first child that moved away & had a formal wedding & is going to college, it was a first for her to have these emotions.

Anyway, I guess I’m getting at is that maybe your FFIL is just afraid to lose your FI, especially if you both are in your early 20’s because maybe he felt he would have your FI as a “child” for a while longer.  

Post # 13
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ifoundmyprince:  I just responded with my thoughts, but after reading more of your responses I thought I might add something.

So, when my MIL was feeling very down & sad after our wedding about “losing her baby to me” (even though she loves me), I tried to be very understanding & told her that we will ALWAYS need her for guidance & love.

Just because her son (my husband) is grown & married, it does not mean that I can ever in a million years take her place, or assume her role in his life. I grew up without a mother & I told his mom how her support & help in navigating the world will be so helpful to us, so while her previous role in his life may have shifted, she is still very much necessary in our lives & she definitely did not lose a son, but instead gained a daughter & I gained a mother.

I do think that my words helped her, as she called me the next day & left me a message to tell me she loved me & appreciated me (which she had never called me on my personal cell before & usually always called me on my husband’s phone to talk to me).

Perhaps if your FFIL is receptive to discussion, you could ease into conversation how much he means to you, & how you & your husband will be seeking his guidance in life even in marriage. Hopefully this will help him to realize that although you are transitioning to “adult life,” you are still receptive to growth.

Perhaps give this article (The One Who Married Young) a read through, it makes some AWESOME points!

http://addiezierman.com/?p=2318

Post # 14
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I guess the questions I would ask are can the two if you live independently on only what you earn?  Does FFIL expect to pay for any future schooling for FI?  Where do you expect to live? It sounds to me as if he feels as if he is still supporting FI, by providing a job while he’s looking for other work.   And you just started a full time job, which can  always be a probationary thing.    It may not be personal, or about your age, as much as FFIL’s philosophy that a married couple ought to be able to stand completely on their own two feet.  

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