Post # 1
FI casually said that his dad has been pretty negative about our wedding. He told me his dad even said that he thinks we “aren’t ready” (not sure if he meant emotionally or financially) and that we should postpone the wedding.
For one, I just got a full-time job, and FI is working with his dad while he looks. So we’re not completely hopeless financially. Emotionally, we feel ready. Regardless, it’s not FFIL’s call. Another aspect that makes me angry is that my family has already put $1,100+ down on the ceremony/reception venues. Does his dad seriously just expect us to lose it all, no problem?!
It’s so hurtful. I felt like FI’s parents didn’t like me at the start, but I finally thought it was getting better. Now, I feel like they’re against me/us again! His mom also makes me think she isn’t too fond of me.
It’s really driving me insane, because everyone acts like we’re children! They aren’t supportive, because they think we’re making a mistake. We’re 22 (FI will be 23 at our wedding) & many relatives, who got married younger than 22, are acting like we are way too young. I’m the youngest of 2, and FI is the youngest of 7.
Have any of you fellow 20-something bees gotten these reactions? It’s really upsetting me 🙁
Post # 3
I am so sorry! What an uncomfortable position to put you both in! Just remember, you can never please everyone, and unfortunately, sometimes that means someone close to you being disatisfied with your decisions. HOWEVER, you two are the ones who are choosing to marry, not him, and therefore you two have to choose what is right for you both regardless of his father who does not have to live with the decision.
Chin up! You are doing what is right for both of you and that is all that matters 🙂
Post # 4
@Trojansgirl: Thank you! Your comment really lifted my spirits 🙂 You’re right. He doesn’t live our daily lives and he doesn’t know about our relationship. It’s hard knowing that we don’t have full and complete support from everyone, but it’s reality. We are doing what’s right for us and that’s what matters 🙂
Post # 5
🙂 Don’t let it get to you too much. My husband was retrenched about 3 months before our wedding without a package. That meant he ended up in debt and my parents were paying more than they had planned for the wedding, my mom asked us to consider postponing based purely on the fact that dh would have debt and life would be hard for a while. While I was upset at the time, we eventually spoke it out and decided not to purely because we’d be in the same situation whether we had the piece of paper or not. My mom came around very quickly once I made it clear we knew it would be hard but we would have been moving across country together for my new job anyway.
Let your fiance handle it 🙂 and you’ll probably find you ffil will come around soon enough, he is most likely just concerned that your marriage will be under strain from the finances. Our did come under strain from that (so I understand my mothers and possibly you ffil’s concern) but we came out stronger.
Post # 6
Thank you for your comment. It’s nice to know your experience, and that you made the right choice for you. I’m glad you guys came out stronger, and you thought through your decisions together beforehand rather than letting everyone else get to you.
I hope my FFIL comes around too. He’s just been really negative when it comes to our wedding. FI told him we were going to look at another cupcake bakery this past weekend and he was like “Why? Why don’t you just use the bakery [FI’s brother] used? Those were the best cupcakes I’ve ever had.” Well, FI and I did not like the cupcakes & other guests didn’t love them either. Plus, it’s like an hour and a half from our venue. I know we can find something we actually like much closer! He just doesn’t seem supportive :/ It makes me so angry thinking about it, and it makes me want to spend less and less time with my future in laws 🙁
Post # 7
@ifoundmyprince: 🙂 Don’t stress about it, most people struggle to understand their in laws I think. While I am grateful for everything my in laws have done for us, sometimes you need space.
Don’t tell him when you are going with the next one and just randomly bring him a cupcake, tell him you guys were just wandering around and saw this cupcake place and when you tried theirs they were wonderful and well you thought he might like one. He may also feel like he is losing his son in a way, it took my mom a while to realise she wasn’t losing me ( I moved 1400km away) but gaining a son, which is the way her parents always thought of my father.
Give him time but in the meantime maybe tone down wedding talk, most men have very little interest to begin with and he’s been through this before with your fbil so he probably just doesn’t understand why you spending so much time on something that he in his mind sees as could be half planned just through the experiences of fbil. I know it doesn’t work that way to us but sometimes men don’t see the big deal in weddings.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Judging from the way my parents treat me and my sister, I would say this is more about him being the youngest of that many kids, and less about your age or relationship. My mom EXPECTED me at 21 to pay for my own stuff, because I’m the oldest. She also expected me to do my own laundry, get my car serviced, be able to cook for myself, etc. Now that my younger sister is turning 21, my mother practically treats her like she is incompetent. She doesn’t LET her spend her own money, even though she makes more than I do right now. She won’t even let her go to the doctor by herself, calls me to make sure my sister has food that she can stick in the microwave, and constantly checks up on her. It’s a little absurd, and totally unfair (we both agree that I got the better deal lol).
I think that since your FI’s parents have seen him as a baby and less mature than his siblings for so long, that’s having an effect. Unfortunately, that also means that it won’t change until he’s like… 30. So ignore it!
Post # 9
@BtoR: So true. I bet it’s tough for parents to go through the transition of having a child get married. FI was talking about the wedding around him on purpose to make him feel included, but I asked him to talk about it to him a little less. I told him it’s hard to feel unsupported, and I don’t want to keep giving his dad opportunities to express how he does not support or care about the wedding. It’s hard for FI too, but I hope FFIL will eventually just come around.
@MeiFrancis: Thanks for your response. I definitely think you’re right. It’s very clear (and still upsetting) that they have a hard time looking at us like adults. Especially his dad. I told FI how much it hurts me that he’s acting like that, and it’s not easy for him either. At some point we have to just look at it as FFIL’s issue that he needs to deal with, not us.
Post # 10
This sort of happened with me and my fiancé. we are both 20 will be 21 on our wedding day. Both our families are very religious and is living together/ getting married so youn rubbed a few of them the wrong way. My advice would be don’t give in because your basically saying they are right. We had a long engagement (2 years on our wedding day) and that helped too. Our engagement photos actually helped a lot too cuz they got to see our love for eachother in a different way. It took a long time for my ffil to approve of us getting married but he finally does. And my fmil has always “liked” me but talks crap behind my back to fsil and FH. And I just attribute it to her being crazy! Lol. But like I said don’t give in or they’ll think theyre right and that you agree your too young.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I thought I’d get comments about my age (I was 23 when engaged, FI was 24), and we will be 25 & 26 respectively, at the day of our wedding. Surprisingly we have not had anyone say anything… FI and I both have great jobs and handle our bills alone. Though, we did just have to move into my parents basement apartment while we saved for a house. THAT is kind of humiliating. ):
Post # 12
Aww, I’m sorry you are being put through this! 🙁
My husband & I are 21, & our decision to get married was fully supported by all of our family & friends. However, a few days after the wedding my husband’s mom had a bit of a melt-down when we went to visit her. She basically said that she felt like she was losing him to me & that we don’t need her as a person anymore since we have each other. She was really down on herself & since my husband is the first child that moved away & had a formal wedding & is going to college, it was a first for her to have these emotions.
Anyway, I guess I’m getting at is that maybe your FFIL is just afraid to lose your FI, especially if you both are in your early 20’s because maybe he felt he would have your FI as a “child” for a while longer.
Post # 13
@ifoundmyprince: I just responded with my thoughts, but after reading more of your responses I thought I might add something.
So, when my MIL was feeling very down & sad after our wedding about “losing her baby to me” (even though she loves me), I tried to be very understanding & told her that we will ALWAYS need her for guidance & love.
Just because her son (my husband) is grown & married, it does not mean that I can ever in a million years take her place, or assume her role in his life. I grew up without a mother & I told his mom how her support & help in navigating the world will be so helpful to us, so while her previous role in his life may have shifted, she is still very much necessary in our lives & she definitely did not lose a son, but instead gained a daughter & I gained a mother.
I do think that my words helped her, as she called me the next day & left me a message to tell me she loved me & appreciated me (which she had never called me on my personal cell before & usually always called me on my husband’s phone to talk to me).
Perhaps if your FFIL is receptive to discussion, you could ease into conversation how much he means to you, & how you & your husband will be seeking his guidance in life even in marriage. Hopefully this will help him to realize that although you are transitioning to “adult life,” you are still receptive to growth.
Perhaps give this article (The One Who Married Young) a read through, it makes some AWESOME points!
Post # 14
I guess the questions I would ask are can the two if you live independently on only what you earn? Does FFIL expect to pay for any future schooling for FI? Where do you expect to live? It sounds to me as if he feels as if he is still supporting FI, by providing a job while he’s looking for other work. And you just started a full time job, which can always be a probationary thing. It may not be personal, or about your age, as much as FFIL’s philosophy that a married couple ought to be able to stand completely on their own two feet.
Post # 15
@MrsErvin: haha thank you! Our engagement will be about 16 months. We’re just out of college and the youngest in the family, so we seem super young to everyone else. I haven’t let anyone push me around thus far in the wedding planning, and I don’t intend to 🙂
@LMD: I’m sure. That’s great that you haven’t gotten comments about your age. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, though! :/
@MrsSkeletonKey: Thank you! That’s great that you’ve been so supported! That’s a great idea, and I’m glad that discussion worked so well for you. I’ll keep that in mind regarding FFIL. Sometimes it’s tough how he seems to “know” that we aren’t going to work, so I don’t want to seem like I agree. But I do want to foster a good relationship with both my in-laws! Everyone talks about how hard in-law relationships are, I just had no idea! 🙁 & thanks for that article, I really appreciated the insight it gave. I definitely bookmarked that one!
@weddingmaven: He just quit working with his dad to take another opportunity, and we’ve been apartment searching based on what I’m earning & what he can contribute. We completely intend to stand on our own two feet, and have not intended to give the impression that we expect any financial support after we become a married couple. I feel like it does tie into our age, because it seems as though he does not see us as adults that are capable of supporting ourselves, though that is what we are completely capable of doing.