Post # 1
Okay well I have always gotten along with my Fiance dad so this really confused me. I may be over reacting a bit but I would love to get some input from the bees on how to react…
Well to give you all some background my Fiance family likes to pick on one another…A LOT! I have done my very best to try and keep up a tough skin around them…but I’m not to good at it.
Well it was my soon to be nieces 3rd birthday and we were all over at their house to open presents… Well my son needed a nap bad and was very grumpy so we decided to leave a bit early… No biggy. Well my Fiance mentioned that he was going to cut the grass when we got home…well Future Father-In-Law suggested that I cut the grass… Well I told him I have very severe allergies and I break out in hives whenever I come into contact with grass (went to see an allergist and I am severely allergic to all types of grass…too much contact can put me in the hospital) well when I said this he basically told me he thought I was just “ALLERGIC TO WORK” well I explained my allergies again and he basically accused me of being lazy. He kept saying it over and over “sounds like your just allergic to WORK” he even spelled it out”W O R K bottom line!!!” at this point my blood was boiling BC he was saying this in my face in front of the whole party! I ended up just having to turn and walk out of the house while he was still talking. Once I shut the door I could still hear his loud mouth talking about how I just don’t want to do work. Well I got into the car and asked my Fiance what the hell that was about…he then started to defend his dad! Err! This made me even more mad. I’m am going to be his wife and I am the mother of his child! Why didn’t he of all people stick up for me? So annoyed right now…not sure how to act around Future Father-In-Law now…any thoughts?
Post # 3
I honestly believe you should have a talk with your fi about standing up for you with his family. I don’t believe he handle the situation correctly and I think walking away from your Future Father-In-Law while he was making fun of you was the best option.
Post # 4
@floridabeachbride yes I am mostly mad at the fact that I wasn’t defended by my FI! And just to clarify I know when he is making fun of me…and this wasn’t one of those situations…he was dead serious and very mean! I don’t want to hate him but one of my downfalls is I hold grudges…BAD! I don’t think I will let this one go for a while.
Post # 5
Your FH needs to have a serious talk with him. It is not okay for him to talk to you like that (even if he was joking). Do you think that he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that your FH is a man now and has a household to tend to (instead of him)?
Post # 6
My ILs razz each other all the time too and it took me a really long time to get used to it. You need to speak with your Fiance and ask him to put a stop to situations like that. In the end though, you have to ignore it. Some people just love the sound of their own voice.
Post # 7
I think you need to speak to your fiance and let him know how disappointed you were in his reaction. You guys are a team, and you should stand by each other and defend each other in situations like this.
But I don’t think you should tell you fiance to go talk to his father about this. I think you should go talk to you Future Father-In-Law yourself. Talk to him one on one and let him know how he made you feel. If he refuses to apologize, or change his ways, you’ll just have to evaluate whether or not you want to put forth the effort to have a relationship with this person. He is your Future Father-In-Law, and I hope you can have a good realtionship for the sake of your Fiance and you child. But I personally would not be willing to spend time with someone who refuses to treat me with respect. And your fiance shouldn’t want to be around someone who doesn’t respect you either.
Post # 8
I think he was being straight up mean. Couples can divide the household duties in whatever way works for them, and it’s none of his business how your family approaches that. You should not have to defend the fact that you have allergies. AND your fiance does need to be in the loop about your expectations as far as having one another’s back. He might think it’s fine to watch his dad piss you off, but he has to go home with you at the end of the day, and he’s going to find himself in some ugly situations if he doesn’t view you as his #1 (in addition to your son, of course). If my fiancee did that to me, trust and believe we would have a conversation – and if I did it to her, I would expect to be in hot water too.
In short, I’m with you. I think it’s unacceptable.
Post # 9
Fiance should have stuck up for you. Since you two are getting married you come before his family. He needs to realize that. Definitley talk to him. Your Future Father-In-Law sounds like a jerk. Maybe Fiance didnt stand up for you because he is used to his father being like that and didnt think it was a big deal. Hopefully you can limit contact with him only on important holidays.
Post # 10
I think my Fiance has realized that fighting with me is way easier then fighting with his dad BC you just can’t win with him! He is “that guy” that will argue with you even If you agree with him… So annoying no one ever stands up to him! Its very frustrating!
Post # 11
I thnk you will probably never change your father in law. It sounds like to survive in that family you will have to develop a thicker skin and give him a dose of his own medicine. Put him on the spot and make him uncomfortable. I think I would have ended up screaming in his face.
Post # 12
i agree with eeniebeans.. if you dont get tougher skin you will keep on getting upset and having fights with Fiance about silly things that his dad or family are saying. u have to remember that its hard for some people to take criticism about ppl they love. yes you and him are a team but this is his DAD so he doesnt want to constantly feel that he has to take sides.. rather than get mad at everything he says just have a smart answer ready or ignore him and laugh it off, in the end who really cares what Future Father-In-Law thinks? he isnt going to be living with you
Post # 13
I can handle some picking and joking. What I don’t like is feeling attacked. I wasn’t raised that way I have never had to keep my guard up with my family. I really don’t think I need to develop a tougher skin. I just want to know my Fiance has my back when someone insults me because that’s what this was. It was not picking on me it was down right insulting! I could care less what his dad thinks of me I just want to know I come first in my Fiance eyes and he is willing to fight for me. I know that this senerio isn’t that big of a deal but I feel like this might be a foreshadow of what the future is going to be like. I’m worried that someday the fight between me and his father may be a lot worse and my Fiance wont take my side.
Post # 14
All I can say is that I am SO so sorry. I recently married into a very opinionated, tease-joke-“poke fun” kind of family and I’m finding it hard to adjust myself.
In my family, sarcasm and teasing were ONLY reserved for fights! My parents never teased us, unless they were so mad at us that once they were done yelling they’d throw in one last sarcastic remark to hurt us. It was the kiss of death, so it’s no wonder that I don’t hande my Father-In-Law well at all either.
In fact, I was just subjecting other bees to a rant about my Father-In-Law the other day: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/new-jersey-beat-me-up
I’m not sure how to learn to have a thicker skin like EVERYONE suggests because how do you grow a thicker skin around assholery?! It’s like saying you should just “get used” to being punched in the face. Well, NO! If they are too rough with me, I should be able to say something. Which I do…. but whether or noti stops their behavior is another matter. My Father-In-Law just resorts to sexism when confronted and responds that it’s just “my juices” messing with my judgement.
Post # 15
This sounds a lot like my Future Father-In-Law as well. He is a major smartass. He thinks pulling pranks on people and being an ass is hilarious, and the man is 67 yrs old!! He seriously acts like he’s 12. One time at his house I had taken my e-ring off before going to bed because I can’t stand sleeping in it. So the next morning, I leave, and I forget my ring at his house because he decided it would be funny to hide it. Yeah…real hilarious old man. But my Future Father-In-Law is the same way-he doesn’t believe in allergies, he doesn’t believe in migraines. So yeah I’m sure he feels the same way about me.
oh and he’s also super sexist, anytime I cook, clean, do laundry etc at their house, he jokes about how Fiance has me “trained” and how I’m finally doing “what I’m supposed to be doing” yeah. I’m afraid one day I’m going to punch him in the face.
Post # 16
Dealing with this man may just take a blow-off flippant answer.
It may not be satisfying or a solution, but I would practice my best “Whatever!” and be able to walk away or not talk about it anymore. Remember, this guy probably LOVES getting the last word, so if you can give him a one-word answer and not respond again, YOU WILL WIN. Screaming or fighting with him will only give him what he wants.
If you don’t want to be that abrupt, you can always give him the “Think what you want” answer. Then it’s like you’re giving him permission – which is frustrating for him because he’s no longer in control. A shrug goes a long way.