Post # 1
Going anonymous again for this post. FH and I have been engaged for a year and he has known my family for two years. At the beginining, he was very shy (he is naturally shy to begin with) around my family. Well, now every time we are around them he acts as if he doesn’t want anything to do with them. We recently came back from visiting my parents and I was just completely shocked the way he treated them. He was very short and at times rude to my mother and would be very argumentative over the smallest things. Then, when we would try and do an activity as a family he would say things like “oh i’ll just stay home.” Also, this trip he was very rude to me in front of my parents.
I am at my breaking point because my family means everything to me. I am extremely close with them and spending time with them is very important to me. They are by no means perfect, but I would expect him to at least be respectful of them. **Side note: Our families are very different which I think makes things hard. They are different religions, have a very different outlook on money etc. He has hinted at the fact he feels inadequate…like my parent’s don’t think he is good enough, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Has anyone had this issue? We are so close to our wedding and this tension between my family and FH is stressing me out so much. Certain family members have shared with me that they are starting to question if he really loves me based on the way he has been treating me in front of them. I’m just so lost right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
Wow, I’d be really upset by this, too! It seems like something that should be straightened out before you get married. Have you asked him point blank what the problem is?
Post # 4
@confusedbee187: Normally, I’d say not to worry about your FH not liking your family. Heck, I don’t like my husband’s family and he definitely does not like mine. However, the fact that he was rude to them is a completely separate issue. Could you expand more on what he said? You mentioned he was shy. Were these family events with a lot of people that he wouldn’t know? Perhaps that’s why he wished to stay home?
He doesn’t have to love them to love you, but he does have to treat them with respect and be cordial at minimum.
Post # 5
When DH and I both met each others families, we didn’t really like them. We were both raised very differently and both thought our families way of doing things was “better”. Over the 8 years we have been together though we have both grown to love and accept each others families, and now we see our two families as one big family.
At no point where either one of us rude to each others family though, and if in private one of us would say something negative about the others family that was shot down very quickly.
Post # 6
It seems like he is lashing out when he feels forced/guilted into doing something he doesn’t want to do (spend time with your family). Not an excuse, just a potential reason.
He’s a shy guy per your post. It takes shy people longer to move “strangers” into the family/friend zone; wherein they like to spend the quality time you describe.
I don’t think it’s a matter of his love for you. It’s just his personality is different from your’s and your family’s. Can you handle spending family time without him?
Post # 7
Given that he knows you love them, he should at least be respectful to them. His knowing your affection for them and choosing not to be so indicates a lack of respect/love for you. I would confront him outright and ask what his deal is, and go from there.
If his only excuse is that they’re not his cup of tea then that is soo not OK (not that it is either way). If this is how he is now, I could see him becoming a bit controlling later, as in not letting you visit them or just being very difficult about it, so that you end up having very little interaction with your family in the long run to avoid an argument.
This is definitely something that sounds important to you, so I would 100% get it figured out before you enter into your marriage.
Post # 8
@confusedbee187: I am a shy person too, so I will try to explain a little based on how I react in these situations.
I don’t like spending much time around FH’s family because I can’t be myself. I feel like I can’t really explain myself (as a shy person, I sometimes need more time to express my thoughts) and often feel they are steamrolling me (even about something small). Whdn I think about the conversation later, it will really bother me that I didn’t express myself, and that I disagreed, but also because I didn’t feel like I could say anything, because we are supposed to be getting along and I have no idea where the line is. I will think about it and replay it over and over in my head.
Then the next time we get together, there is alot of tension becuase I am still remembering the previous conversation, and how upset I was about it, and then I tend to almost sound rude because I am still aggravated from last time (meanwhile non-shy people do not tend to hang on to conversations as long as I do, so they have no idea why I am non friendly).
So basically, it is so much work and mental gymnastics. People who are not so introverted sometimes don’t realize how much effort it takes just to have a simple conversation with people you don’t know well. Perhaps your guy is feeling a bit taxed and overworked, and overwhelmed.
Also, do not under any circumstances, bring to light those concerns that he doesn’t love you. Pretty sure that is not the issue here, and it will only make things worse to bring it up.
Post # 9
“He has hinted at the fact he feels inadequate…like my parent’s don’t think he is good enough”
There it is in a nut shell. This is the under lying reason he is acting the way he is.
This shows you where the work needs to be done. This is both your issue (his more than your’s but since he’s your FI it’s also now yours) and I think regular healthy talks about what you can do together to change his current belief system. Beliefs can be changed with some work. At the moment he is seeing this situation in a subjective and negative way. If he can just slightly alter the way he percieves your family then you have progress.
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”