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I think this reflects poorly on both of you. I would make him write them or help with the sending in some way. I have been to weddings where I have never received a thank you note and it ticks me off. I have friends who have experienced the same thing and it does not make them happy. I would tell your FI that a verbal thank you is not enough and it's time to take some time and write thank you notes.
I would blame you both because I wouldn't be aware of your arrangement (each doing their own). Plus, I'd imagine most gifts were for both of you, regardless of which side of the aisle the gifter may have sat on.
both of you. not doing thank you's is not okay and hand-writing one really says a lot. it's being appreciative. I HATE not getting thank you cards--it makes me regret getting the couple a gift if they cannot set aside some time to say thanks properly.
Are you opposed to writing them for him? i wrote every single one of our thank you's and signed his name for him....but he was out of town for 6 months post-wedding, also. I would probably strong-arm him into this.
but if you got married in october 2009....it's now July 2010. So these people STILL haven't received proper thank you cards?!
Do people really expect me to write ALL the thank yous? It's not my job to oversee what he is supposed to do- I'm his wife, not his mother. I sent all my people thank yous, including people who didn't bring a gift but just brought a card, and I also sent most of our vendors thank yous (I did them for all vendors who did a good job.) These are all people who know FH isn't great at writing thank yous. This isn't fair.
No, it is totally not fair for you to have to write them all if he agreed to do his. I realize he works a lot, but maybe he can set aside a few evenings and get them done? To me, this is something really important. I'm always offended when I don't receive thank yous. (Of course, I'm easily offended when it comes to things like this, but I bet some of your guests are too).
ETA: If they know he's not good at writing thank yous, then it will mean even more!
Honestly, i don't think it's fair that you have to write all the thank you notes. I think you should talk with your hubby and tell him that these need to be written asap. No excuses.
For me, I have written all of the thank you notes for the two showers that I have had so far. This is because I don't really like FI's handwriting, lol FI has printed all of the envelopes, stamped and sealed all of the thank you notes. I am happy that he is doing some of the work with the thank yous.
ejs- Yes, I am very opposed to writing them. We had an agreement, and I wrote at least four times the thank yous he is supposed to write, plus vendor thank yous. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would have been willing to write some of his. I think doing his thank yous sets a bad precedent- that he can not keep an agreement and I will just do it for him. I want to treat him as an adult, not a child.
It's not fair but I would write the notes anyway. The gifts were for both of you. You are annoyed at your husband, but you probably don't want to take it out on those people who took the time to get you a nice gift. In the long run I'd say it's better just to write the cards.
Maybe you should sit him down and be there when he writes them. Yes, it's like being his mother but sometimes I have to be like my husband's mom because he doesn't listen to me when I ask him to do things.
I would have a little "chat" with him and let him know how important this is... people took the time to come to your wedding and took the time to purchase you a gift so the least he can do is find the time to write out 10-15 thank you notes. I had my first shower in June and did my 40 thank you notes in about 3 hours. It really doesn't take that long. Maybe you can address the envelopes for him and tell him to get crackin'... Ask him if it would have been okay for someone to attend the wedding and not give a gift because they simply didn't have the time. I can't stress how rude it is not to send one. It really will reflect poorly on you both.
It's not really fair but you're married now, so unfortunately this does reflect on you both. I think if it were me, I probably would've written them for him in exchange for some other favor (cooking dinner, vacuuming, etc) rather than go this long without sending a thank you note.
Still, it's better to send 'em now than never at all, so figure out something where you're both happy and they get sent ASAP!
Then i think you need to make him do them, basically. I just see that if he works 80 hours a week, and if you work less, it's just kind to help each other out, agreements aside.
We split ours up to but DH did his. Honestly, if one wasn't done on his side I would feel a little bad but the world wouldn't stop. When we didn't get thank yous, I put it on whose side we are on (bride vs. groom) and while I think it is a bit of a reflection of both of you, we are their wives, not their moms. If they don't want to follow through, they need to deal with the consequences. Maybe talk to him or sit at the table with him one last time? That's a bit childish though.
I think all of our actions reflect on each other whether they are good or bad in some ways.
People don't expect *you* to write a thank you card. They expect a thank you card period regardless of who wrote it. I would either chalk it up to a lost cause with your FH and just write them yourself with a sincere apology for the delay or strong arm him into doing the same.
Some people, and I guess your FH included, just don't get that thank you cards are important. All of them may take a while to write but one person's literally takes 5 minutes to thank them for being a part in your wedding and incurring the expense of travel, gift, etc. Don't let your annoyance at your FH's lapse in responsibility affect how you as a couple are perceived by your guests...
Both. It's not fair that you take the blame since they're his people, but since brides have traditionally done this, his family is going to think that you're the one who hasn't thanked them (and, frankly, you haven't thanked them). Honestly... thank you cards don't take that long to write, and 10-15 of them can be done in a weekend. Maybe you can help him out by writing out a template, but they should be sent, even if he won't do it (and you can give him as hard a time about that as you want, because it sucks that he's leaving it on your plate by not taking care of it himself like he should). But no matter who you both agreed would write the notes, the gifts were for both of you, and you both benefit from them, and someone needs to thank his people, too, even if you've already done more than your share!
Do you work 80+ hours as well? If not, I would probably just write them yourself. Is this really worth an argument? Personally, I don't think so. Your guests don't care who writes them - they just want the thank you note.
I think a lot of people (especially his older relatives) would definitely think there was something wrong with YOU if they never got a thank you. I would write them myself just to make sure they got done, rather than stress for weeks whether he would actually get it done. He can repay your efforts in some other way later.
I voted both but I think older generations will tend to blame the bride (even though that is completely unfair)
I hate to be harsh, but if your hubs is working that much and pulling in income that you will BOTH use and benefit from, why don't you just suck it up and write the thank you notes for him?? In my eyes, marriage = teamwork. Not to sound mean, but I think you are being a bit petty and should just write them and get them done. It's not worth arguing about with your hubby and it's not worth walking around with the frustration bottling up inside of you. Life is too short for this stuff. Write them, mail them and move on is my advice.
NOTE: I hope my post didn't sound mean or offend you personally. I just really think we spend so much time worrying about things like this that are not important. As I already stated, life is short... I have two different friends in their mid 30's that were recently diagnosed with cancer and my best friend just found her 62 year old father deceased in his home. If you take a step back and think about what is really important in your life, hopefully you'll realize arguing about who should write thank you notes is really not a big deal.
Unfortunately, I think it ultimately reflects badly on you. We've had close friends who split up their thank yous by wife's side/husband's side and the husband's side thank yous never got done. Of course I though it was both of their fault, the husband certainly isnt blameless, but in the end I think about the wife and how she should have just gotten them done and dealt with her husband however she wanted to. I think it is rude to leave your guests - who gave gifts to both of you - hanging in the balance without a card because of your husbands refusal to write out thank you cards.
It'll take less than an hour of time, sit him down, tell him to write, and you address the envelopes.
Honestly, I think it will look bad for BOTH of you if you don't write thank yous. No one is going to be aware of the agreement you've made and will expect a thank you, regardless of your agreement. It sounds like you're frustrated with your husband for not pulling his share. If it's 10-15 thank yous and he's working a lot and making money for you guys, then I would just write them myself. I've written most of ours because FI's handwriting is terrible and because he works longer hours than I do and so I have more time. I guess your other option is to talk to him about it and negotiate something, but I really think it will make both of you look bad if these people don't get thank yous.
They need to get done regardless of who does them. Is it fair for you to do them all? No, of course not. But verbal thank yous are not ok. Like who would say to your groom, "No, I want a thank you card." It's just expected that you send one.
It reflects on both of you as a couple, and it does suck that you are both busy and work so much. But ALL of your guests deserve a handwritten thank you, not just the ones you know.
I agree, I think it ends up reflectly badly on the both of you, which is unfortunate, because a deal is a deal & he really should have written his. I agree with some of the other girls and either discuss with him that he needs to do his right away, no excuses or see if you can make a deal where you write his in exchange for him handling some other task in the household. Getting them out is better later than never, but believe me, people will know that they never got their thank you notes!
It really makes me mad that people expect the bride to do them all. I wouldn't do them myself, I would just let it be known that HE didn't do them. I might be more confrontational than others, but I'm just so sick of hearing about guys getting away without doing their share and the advice to the girl is "just do them yourself". Would anyone blame him if the notes to your side never went out? Nope, they would still blame you. So you're responsible for your actions AND his? Not OK!
He needs to suck it up and do them himself. He might have a stressful job, but so do other people and they still had time to buy him a gift. He at least needs to do it for his family members - if his friends said they don't care, fine. But if he's OK with being lazy and letting you his family blame you, that says something about him.
ETA: @guitargirl, I missed your post about treating him like an adult, not a child, but I 100% agree! (In case you couldn't tell from the above.)
@madcat: How is she supposed to let others know that HE was the one that didn't write them? Bottom line, the gifts were to both of them and they'll both look bad. If she goes around telling people her husband wouldn't write thank you notes, I think that might make HER look bad. Besides, I'm sure her intention isn't to make her husband look bad, but to get him to do the thank yous.
Sorry to say this, but I think it already looks bad on both of you since it's been over 8 months since your wedding. I know it's not fair, but you are a married couple now, so people will see it as THEY didn't send us a thank you card, not HE didn't send us one.
I guess it's not really fair if he agreed to do some and isn't doing them. I would just suck it up and do all of them to be sure that everyone gets a timely thank-you. I did all of our shower thank-yous and am doing all for the wedding, because I can do it faster than FI and my handwriting is much neater. This post just made me remember that I sent a wedding gift to a friend who got married in late April, and I haven't seen a thank-you note yet...I hope they send one soon.
Yeah, I agree on both of you... or honestly, more you than him. I know its not fair but most people assume the bride does all the thank yous!
Tell him that you will do it...only if he treats you to a weekend away where you can get a massage and spa treatment 
Personally for me (as a guest) I always forget about thank you cards. I wouldn't remember if you sent one to me or not.
I know for mine..even if I asked for him to do his side (he will have WAY more people than myself) and he agreed to do it..he won't. I will have to write everything out and have him sign his name. I currently have to do this procedure with Christmas cards.
Looks like you are either going to have to force him to do it or do it yourself...bummer :(
Honestly....pick your battles. This doesn't need to be one. The thank you notes are important to you, they're clearly not important to him, so if this is bothering you, you should do it. I don't really get the whole bride's side/groom's side split--I've never really heard of that. I'm doing our thank you notes because I have the time and I'm the one that cares about etiquette. My husband doesn't have the time or the inclination, but I don't find this at all surprising because after 6 years, I know that he just wasn't raised to care about this kind of thing. He wouldn't care if he didn't get a thank you note, so he doesn't think about how important it is to send them. This doesn't need to be a big deal. Is it fair for one person to write all the thank you notes? No. But I don't know where anyone got the idea that anything, much less marriage, is fair. It's not about keeping score it's about maintaining a functional, productive partnership where no matter what, you pick up the slack for each other. It sounds to be like your husband genuinely believes he's taken care of his thank yous--because he thinks verbal thank yous are okay. So as far as he's concerned, he's kept up his end of the bargain. If you don't like the way he did it, that's totally understandable (I wouldn't) but then it's up to you to get it done the way you like. I'm all for you asking him to write the notes...but I don't think you can expect or demand that he do so.
Thanks for all the comments. I am not so worried about the friends thank yous, but mainly his relatives. If FH won't, I know it is bad to not send a thank you, but how do I make an extremely late thank you not look bad without saying that FH was supposed to and I recently realized he didn't. FYI- my laptop with my thank you tracker (who gave what and when thank you went out) died shortly after I finished my thank yous- is there a way to blame it on that without sounding whiny? Also, one of the relatives lives overseas, it takes at least 2 months for them to receive any mail and is moving- is an email appropriate here? (I think he will do the email.)
Treasure- as for him "making money"- I assure you this is not a case where he works hard and makes all the money and I don't. Very much the opposite.
@guitargirl: I didn't mean to imply that he was making more money than you. You had mentioned he was working a lot of hours and maybe that was the reason why he was slacking on the thank yous.
As for how to deal with sending them so late, I simply wouldn't address it in the thank you and just send the thank you. My FMIL gets very offended if she doesn't get thank yous and we went to a wedding and didn't get a thank you for a very long time. She was very irritated, but when she got the thank you she felt so much better and seemed not to mind that it was late.
Honestly, I wouldn't mention how late the thank yous are or make any excuses at all. Just send a heartfelt thank you and leave it at that. And yes, for someone who has difficulty getting actual mail, I think an email is just fine.
I wouldn't say anything about why they are late. It really doesn't matter just so long as you do send them.
I wouldn't mention the lateness in the note either, just be genuine and sincere. And enjoy a nice glass of whatever your poison is while you do it :)
We have been to weddings where we didn't get a thankyou and it really bugged me. It would bug me even more if I found out the reason we didn't get a thankyou was because we were guests of the groom, who didn't bother to write them, but the bride's guests were thanked. We came to a wedding of TWO people, and we gave a gift for TWO people, and I appreciate being thanked for that effort. I would likely blame whoever we were guests of, either the bride or groom, but mostly it's a team effort like everything else in marriage. It's not fair that you had an agreement which he didn't stick to, which is the real issue here - not whether your guests should be thanked or not.
I sent a gift to a wedding we werent able to attend and we never got a thank you card or a verbal thank you or anything. I still to this day dont know if they received the gift. Its kinda too late to ask now lol
I would send out some thank you notes, better late than never
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FH and I decided we would each take care of thank yous for the people on our lists. I have a huge family, shower gifts, and lots of his people didn't bring gifts, so my thank you list was probably 4 times as long as his. Many of his friends told him that a verbal thank you is enough (which he did), but he didn't do any thank yous. FH works 80+ hours a week and has had tons of job stress lately. I did all mine within 3 months I hadn't really thought about this til 2 nights ago when we were hanging out with some of his friends and I was thinking that since I'm the bride, that they might blame me for the etiquette breach. Also, some of his aunts and uncles got us very nice things. I am frustrated because we had an agreement and it's not fair for me to do all of it- I already did about 60 thank yous, he can't do 10-15? I shouldn't have to do his when we made the agreement. (FYI I did the vast majority of wedding planning for a four month engagement while working 70 hours/week and moving to a new house.) Who does this reflect poorly on? And if your answer is bride or both, please explain. Thanks!