- 4 years ago
I don’t know it if it is just me, but cannot believe the stress getting engaged has caused.
My family have been very relaxed about our wishes, offering to pay what we need and very happy to go along with our plans.
We decided as we both have large families that just parents and siblings would come to the wedding, plus close friends, and we wanted to do it small but nicely – have good food, an open bar etc for a few, rather than less for lots.
But – FMIL wants a large wedding party for FFIL and his family. So, we agreed to have two days – one a small ceremony and meal for immediate family and friends, the next day a large party and meal with their (not my!) wider family and friends.
We were not happy with that, but for an easy life we went along with it as a compromise. This was until they started making plans and not asking us. Telling us where to turn up and what would be happening, not asking our plans or thoughts. Saying they didn’t understand why we would want to spend time with our family and friends the morning after the wedding and we should go straight to the next venue. Booking a venue we didn’t approve. Deciding they would pick the colour scheme. Saying my family “didn’t need to come” (so rude) and then getting angry and ignoring us when we said we thought we should discuss arrangements, not simply be told what to do as it was our wedding.
This all escalated and resulted in FH’s parents saying they were not going to organise anything as FH was ungrateful and rude and we should just carry on with the smaller wedding plan as we wished.
We thought this was all fine, but we were still aware MIL was annoyed that FIL’s family were not invited (note that FIL did not seem to mind). A few cousins had asked what our plans were – so we offered to organise a meal after the honeymoon, where anyone who would like to come and celebrate after the wedding could come and in lieu of a wedding gift each person pay towards their meal as we cannot afford to pay for so many.
FIL was happy with this (it would be his family there), but MIL thought it was rude and unacceptable. She went on about how his Aunts and Uncles would be offended they are not invited to the wedding, that it was ‘odd’ we were not following FIL’s culture and traditions (note just FIL is from another culture, the rest of our parents are from the US, inc FMIL), that the family would think it was strange what we were doing. And how Aunts and Uncles had done things like give birthday gifts to FH in the past and so seemed to think this was a reason to invite them to the wedding. Since we have got engaged not one of his aunts or uncles have called, sent a card, or made any move to congratulate us. So I really doubt it is that important to them.
I feel so upset that what should be a happy and exciting time has been ruined by their selfishness. Not once have they asked about our plans. They have not offered to help pay, leaving it all to my parents. Instead all I have heard is their disappointment, how the wedding is going to offend the family and how what we are doing is not normal.
I really don’t know what to do. Luckily FH does not like his parents and will not side with them, and now has even said he doesn’t want them at the wedding, just his brothers and sister.
Any advice for how I can get through the next year before the wedding? I feel now there is no going back and no compromise, we have tried and so I think we should just continue with the plans as they were.