Weddingbee boards

My FH's family HATES me. Period. And the funny thing is, they dont even know me! His father saw me once at their store before my FH and I even started dating. His sister completely blew me off when I said "hi" and the mother has never even seen me. For one thing, I am not Korean and they dont approve of their son dating outside of their ethnicity and two, I have a child from a previous marriage (we eloped and that guy totally cheated on me). He told me that his parents were going to take some time warming up to the idea of him dating me, and they did to an extent. They accepted that we were together, but in the back of their minds, I guess they thought that we would never make it this far. We are now planning our wedding and when he told them we were getting married, (mind you I still havent met them b/c his mother threatened to slap me if she ever saw me), they told him that he was crazy and that it was a HUGE mistake. They even went and gave him an ultimatum: If he marries me, he will get fired from his job (they own a family business) and that he would not be family to them anymore. His family refuses to be at the wedding and they have even gotten to the point where they are making up bad things about my family. His father told him that they did a "background check" on my mother and apparently, my mother has "been around" and was in 3 or 4 different marriages. My parents got married one month after dating and have been together for the past 31 years. My father was and is the first and only man my mother has "been" with. I cant even believe that they would stoop soo low to go as far as talking crap about my family-whom they dont even know! His sister accused my FH of having an STD because she saw him scratching near his "area" and has continuously bad mouthed me and called me dirty. I've never in my entire life experienced anything like this. I'm literally in tears because I dont know what to do. I feel horrible about even having a wedding because no one from his family will be there. It will literally be MY family and maybe 15 of his friends. I feel guilty that he has to decide between me and his family. He told them that he's choosing both and his father is blaming him that their family is breaking apart because he wants to marry me still.

Bees, I am at a loss. It has gotten soo petty that they even treat him like a dog at work. If he is even 30 seconds late for work, they take his pay. His sister comes in 4 or 5 hours late and nothing happens. They refuse to pay my FH his commission money (they owe him 8k) b/c they know it will going towards the wedding. They wont pay him unless he has dinner with them b/c his family wants to have an intervention.

What I dont understand is this, Why am I such a horrible person? What did I do to make them hate me soo much? Why cant they see how happy we are? I am 27 years old, served 6 years in the Marine Corps, am finishing up my last prerequisites and will hopefully be accepted into Med School, all while being a single mother for a long time. For his family to think that I am going to use his son for anything is ridiculous! I dont need my FH financially, but I do need him physically and emotionally. He is my other half and my rock.

I am at the point where I'm considering calling the wedding off and just getting married in the Virgin Islands with just some of our close friends and some of my family. We have put deposits down on everything here already.. from the venue to the dj and even the photobooth. I use to be really really excited about the wedding, but now its causing me more pain.

I dont know how to change his family's mind about me. They wont even give me a chance. What should I do? How do I handle this? And should I just cancel the wedding?

I apologize for the long rant, but I needed to vent b/c I am soo embarrassed and ashamed i dont want any of my family and friends to know.

Wow, sorry you're dealing with all this. It certainly sucks and isn't an easy thing to deal with. My first piece of advice would be for your FI to find a different job. It's absurd that they are withholding his paycheck which he earned. It would be one thing if they were withholding a gift or inheritence but this is money he worked for. They owe it to him. He shouldn't deal with that and he needs to show them that he will not tolerate this type of manipulation and control over a grown man. Second, I think you need to meet them. Even if the arrangements have to be made behind their back. You say his family demands he eat dinner with them...your FI needs to invite you to one of these dinners. It probably won't be pretty but I think it would at the very least show them that you and your FI are a united front and that this behavior will not be tolerated. If she really does slap you, leave. Third, you say you've already put down the deposits: how long until your planned wedding? If you have time to actively work on this situation before the wedding? If yes, then I say you should try your best to work on the situation and be the bigger person because running off to the islands will certainly drive an even bigger wedge between everyone that will most likely be extremely difficult to overcome. Oh, and please, please, please don't subject your child to this family drama. Whenever these conversations are taking place make sure your kid isn't around so they don't have to deal with the constant, inappropriate bashing of their mother.

That is such a tough situation.  I voted to stay with the wedding plans but @lezlers has a great question....How does your FI feel about it?

I've spoken to my FI and have cried relentlessly over this. At one point I even considered breaking up because I didnt want to be the reason for him to lose his family. He is very strong in feelings and told me that he made his choice to be with me. He tells me that he wants us to have a wedding because he knows it means alot to me and my family, especially my father. He has stuck up for me on many occasions but they refuse to even hear it. I know he loves me, and that he will be there for me, but I cant help but feel horrible inside. I dont know how to explain why his family doesnt want to meet mine and how they wont be attending the wedding. I've thought about what will happen if we have children in the future and if they want to be a part of that. My FH spent the last 10 years of life helping his family to make their company grow and sacrificed soo much. It's hard for him because he feels like it's been a waste. His father even threatened to give the entire business to his sister and not give a share if we get married. He says he doesnt care, but I'm sure he is and just doesnt want to show it. He told his family that he doesnt want to go to dinner unless I'm invited and his mom flipped out. I am now banned from going to their work to bring my FH food or see him during any breaks. His sister started Sprint Locating him on his phone to find out where he is all the time and calls and harasses him. we had to get him a new phone line. It's just crazy!

FI is in the works of looking for a new job. Originally, his father told him that he has 1 year left to be with the company (till the day we get married), and now his father says he cant wait longer anymore and is giving him a few weeks---basically enforcing the ultimatum even more. He doesnt want to give FI a week vacation to job search (he hasnt taken a one week vacation in 9 years) and asked if I was the one forcing FI to marry me, and also asked if I was pregnant. UGH... I wish I could just go to him and talk to him. 

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. You sound like such an incredible person, and I can't imagine how anyone could treat your so poorly not even knowing you. It seems you have worked very hard to get where you are and deserve at the very least the opportunity to be excepted. It is really a shame that they are so narrow minded about who is "appropriate" for their son. It is their loss for not being able to get to know you, and not being a part of their sons life during such a special time in his.

I hope things work out for you. In my opinion, a more private wedding might be better in this situation. I'd rather have a more intimate wedding surrounded by the people who really love and care for me.

I dont even know what to say other than Im sorry you are going through this. I have issues with the FIL's but not to this extent!

I say elope or destination wedding!! AND, as much as he may love that job of his... he needs OUT. They are controlling his life and he needs to take charge!

Good Luck and keep us posted darling!

i would get your fi to explain that the wedding will go ahead and that he would love them to be there if they are able to be supportive, but only if they are able to be supportive. you don't want to force them to go and have them ruin your day but if you elope and leave them out they may not forgive you and it will give them more ammunition against you

I am so sorry that you have been put through this! I dont understand how people can be so aweful! First, he needs a new job. Second, live your life the way YOU want to. If you want to continue with the wedding, then do so. Dont let these aweful people second guess yourself and what you and your Fi want. I wish you much luck. My heart goes out to you!

Thanks Bees for all your encouagement and support in all this. It really means ALOT to me, especially since I dont want to tell most of my family. I did have a breakdown and told my father the whole situation and I felt somewhat relieved. I didnt want to hide it anymore everytime he asked when my parents were going to meet FI's family.

FI will be bringing up the money situation again tomorrow before he leaves for his business trip. I highly doubt anything will come of it, except for maybe him getting yelled at again, but here's hoping. We also had a talk about continuing the wedding; I was soo excited and wrapped up in wedding planning and for all this to happen I was devasted, but I did not ask him how he felt and what he wanted to do. Instead of me supporting him with his trials, he was comforting me. Now that it's all soaked in, I asked him what he wanted to do, and he still wants to have the wedding. Im just worried that when that day arrives, and the moments leading up to us getting married are right there, he will feeling more pain that his family really didnt want to show up. His mother has made it VERY clear that she wants nothing to do with me. period. She hasnt shown up to work in i dont know how long because she has been trying to avoid him and they blame him for her not coming to work. (she gets really sick when shes stressed out). For a moment, we thought that his dad might have started to let his guard down by saying,"maybe she is good person." but then proceeded to say that "he nor his wife want to be a part of our family". His sister is just immature. She treats him like crap, calls me a bad mother and dirty, and acts like a little high school girl- scratch that, grade school child. It's to the point where if they are in the same room, sitting next to each other, she will ask someone else to tell my FI what she wants, knowing very well he can hear her. Then it leads to her not giving him his check, her bouncing his check, and her calling her mommy and daddy telling them to make my FI shut up because he is trying to defend himself.. leading to him being yelled at and told to leave. I am at the point where I do wish they fire him already because then they would see how much they relied on him to keep the business afloat. (his sis is bouncing 5k checks almost everyday for the next three months, and FI is in charge for bringing in the money). then again, from what I've heard and experienced, his family is very stubborn and constantly tell him that they dont need him. They are all about appearances and I guess I make them look bad. I almost dont want them at the wedding b/c they might bring me down with the dirty looks. I am seriously considering just going to the islands and doing what we originally decided, destination wedding- I think that is what FI wants, but doesnt want to tell me. The only downside is we've already spent $7400 in making deposits for our wedding here, and that would be such a waste.

About the deposits if you do decide on a destination wedding, you don't have to write them off just yet. You could call each of your vendors individually, or better yet, go in person, and explain that your in-laws are basically holding your fiance to blackmail, and that you are both left with no choice but to basically elope somewhere else. A lot probably won't budge, but some might have a heart and give you a partial refund, it's worth a try.

I'm really sorry for what you're dealing with, you sound like a lovely, level headed person that doesn't deserve grief leading up to your wedding.

OMG we are twins.  Read posts I have made here.  The answer is to just carry on as you would.  As long as he sticks up for you, you stick by him.  Stick together and you'll be fine.  It is SO important.  From experience, it will make you stronger.

I've been with my guy for years now, and they still refuse to have anything to do with me.  He rarely sees them because when he does they just abuse the crap out of me behind my back and he doesn't like being mean to them.  He tells them to not speak about me that way and leaves their house.

Ignore them, you don't need to be part of their family.  You will have to accept that.  But he can be part of yours, and you can form your own.  You should discuss children, will they visit his parents etc... sounds like a no from here, they would probably yell at the children too >_<

He needs to find a new job.

Oh, and the last thing I would want at my wedding is his family.  It would make my whole day just awkward and uncomfortable.  I'd have my nerves shattered waiting for someone to make a scene.  So maybe it's best if they don't turn up?  Then you won't have to worry about someone objecting or having red wine thrown over your dress...

If you ever want to talk then PM me.  We can share horror stories :)    Your guys sounds like a lovely guy. You CAN get through this.

UPDATE:

Once again, thank you Bees for all your kind words and advice; It's been a very stressful week. So FI had dinner with his parents, and the first thing to come out of his mother's mouth was, "Come back home. I dont want you living with her." My ever so great FI quickly replied that even if he wasnt living with me, he still would not move back in with his family b/c of how she treats him (she went ballistic and accused of him of stealing her SCISSORS..and a laptop which she found two weeks ago and didnt apologize). The conversation continued with his father explaining that they are only trying to look out for him, and that "she's going to take everything from you and leave you." -meaning, I'm going to take half his business if his father decides to give it to him. FI told them that I make more money than him (which isn't true), and proceeded to tell them that I am well on my way to attending medical school (that part is is true), and they FINALLY, for the first time ever, asked questions about what I did and what school I attended. Then they asked about my mother and if she worked. I honestly still dont understand what my mother has to do with all this, and supposedly, they did a background check on her and told him obnoxious lies about how my mother has been in 3 marriages, slept around, etc. FI managed to stop them in their tracks and expressed the happy marriage my mother has been in for the last 30 years and how she works and watches her grandchildren, and still puts food on the plate in time for her husband to eat. I dont know if I felt a sense of relief then, but in the back of my mind, I was definitely thinking, "HA! DONT YOU FEEL STUPID NOW FOR LYING!" then his mother asked if I knew about the consequences of him losing his family and marrying me. He told her that I knew, and that I cry about it almost every other day. She then said I was a BAD PERSON. WTF? She continued to say that if I was a good person, I would leave him and let him be with his family. UGH! I swear there is no winning this lady over! My FI and I had many countless talks about this, and I even talked about ending our relationship b/c I didnt want to be the cause of him losing his family. But does SHE not see that SHE is the one leaving him? She then goes on and says that she wants him to be with someone that she can talk to and have dinner with and bring around the family, and that I'm an embarrassment because of my child. She told him to go talk to all his customers and friends and tell them about us and ask if it would be embarrassing to them if their children were in that situation. there was more that went on, but honestly, it wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be. She did say that maybe he will be happy with me, but she made up her mind from the very beginning that she will not be giving me a chance and that she will never accept me.

After much more talking with FI, and after finally telling my mother the entire situation, we are going to continue with our wedding plans. I am still not as excited as I was before, and I still kinda want to just drop the whole thing (mainly b/c my mother said to just save our money and cut our losses), but FI and I want to share and announce our love in front of God and those who have been there for us. I realized that my wedding isnt going to be about my mother, or his parents. It's going to be about US, and our commitment to one another. And we are not going to waste our time worrying about what everyone else thinks. Our guest list will be a lot smaller, but that's ok.

I believe that one day, maybe years from now, his family will be the one regretting that they turned their back on their own son. We plan on having children and having our own family, and she will never get to know the joys of being a grandmother.

@moderndaisy Yes, family is really important to me as well. So important, that I grew up with all 4 of my mother's sisters living one or two houses away. We call our block the village. And you're right, even if I was Korean, I still dont think they would accept me. I think it has something to do with me having a child, and that's not something she will ever accept.