Weddingbee boards

Hello everyone, and thanks in advance for reading. I've given this one lots of thought, but can't decide.

One of my coworkers several years ago and I became close friends. I moved away and FH stayed behind (before we were engaged.) She and I are both notoriously bad about staying in touch, so we haven't spoken 10 sentences in 2 years, and we are happy and comfortable with that.

My FH and I had dated for more than 7 years. I'm a brunette and have always had insecurities around blondes and she's one of those. He used to joke that he was going to run off with her, and would laugh at my "Noo!" reaction. I would return the joking, saying that they two blondes would look good together.

After a while, the joking came quite often and being far away, I started to become paranoid about whether or not they were involved, because they often did social things together. However, he has few friends and I never wanted to rob him of his one friend in the area.

I eventually asked him if anything was going on, and he said no.

Flash forward a year, and one night he tells me that he needs to tell me something. He says that he "has feelings" for her, but that he is not attracted to her sexually, that it was nothing I did or didn't do, and that he has no intentions of being with her. He even admitted his feelings to her, she reacted with shock and discomfort because she is happily dating someone, and he says he did this to try to make the feelings wear off. I understand these reactions, because I've had crushes myself.

He says he's happy he told me, that he hated keeping a secret, and that he was eager to move on with our lives (we became engaged a few months later - he had planned it by the time he confessed.)

I tried to react as soberly as possible, and had a few bouts with anger and depression, but I didn't lose trust in him. He asked me to keep this one problem between us, but it was such a strong weight on my heart that I told the story to only one person - his father, to whom I am very close. His father was sympathetic with me, and told me not to worry.

Now we're making a guest list, and I don't know what to do about my friend, who is aware (and embarassed) that I know the full story. If I do not invite her, I would be ensuring comfort of my FH (who cut ties with her after their friendship quickly soured) and my own conscience, since I wouldn't want FH's father, for example, to wonder what's going on. I want no ambiuity on my wedding day. However, if I exclude her, she will no doubt be hurt and we never had a falling out ourselves.

I could talk to her. I could lay everything out and address the issue directly, but I wonder what the options are other than that. Talking to her directly would be annoying, but managable.

What do you think, though?

ddubzz: Hello :) Actually, what's interesting is that the only feelings I'm concerned for are hers and for appearances with his father. I'm so comfortable talking to him, that if I invited her but explained the decision to him he would be completely understanding and I could cross him off that list.

Anyhow, what I replied to say was that I am actually very certain and trusting of my FH - when we spoke over the course of a few months I became very convinced that he was sincerely sorry that he developed feelings. Having been in a long distance relationship for long periods of time, I too found that when you work closely with others you sometimes develop very unwanted feelings and they simply need to pass. Because of this, I was very understanding and as long as he told me that he wanted to be with me, I was quite satisfied. My crushes eventually wore off completely, and he tells me that his have too.

KateMW: Although my FH asked me not to discuss the issue, it was too huge for me to bear by myself, especially when I went through more "sad" phases of acceptance. So, I confided in his father who didn't think his son's actions were right and consoled me through this "rough patch."

Although when we got engaged he was extra surprised as a result, he's sure everything is great between us. However, I have a fear (perhaps silly) that if he sees her there he'll think that his son invited her (and is up to something), instead of me being gracious. There is no doubt that her presence will pique his father's curiosity.

I guess I wouldn't want her presence making others feel that something is strange (I guess people go through this with ex-girlfriends.)

Do not invite her. 

I'm sorry, but the most disturbing part of this story is the fact that your FH was dating you when he confessed his feelings to your girlfriend.  Crushes are normal - and you were right to not flip out about the fact that he had one.  But his reaction to his crush was completely inappropriate.  If he had feelings for your friend, he should have just made sure to spend less time with her or only see her in non-tempting situations (like not drinking around her and only spending time with her when her boyfriend or other friends are present).  

I honestly don't know any guys who confess their crushes to women, hoping that they will be shot down so that their feeling can lesson.  The guys I know only express their feelings when they are hoping that the women feel the same way and are willing to date them.   He also didn't tell you any of this until after it happened, when quite frankly he might have been worried that your friend would tell you what he said to her.  

Is he generally an honest person?  Or have there been any other situations in the past that have caused you to question his honesty or fidelity?

If I was in your situation I would NOT invite her, and considering their history she should totally understand. I think the fact that your FH admitted his crush to both her and you is really strange. I'm all for honesty and everything, but I think that's just weird. It's one thing to have an innocent crush, but it would take some serious feelings to actually admit them to your SO and your crush... just my two cents.

I'm going to reply to everyone's questions, but I quickly want to reply to bellenga: I meant to write "and she is one," not "and she is one of THOSE."

I honestly wasn't making any implications about a certain type of blonde or anything of the sort. I'm really sorry if that ruffled you. I was just trying to give an example of the way we would joke about the two of them.

First, thank you to EVERYONE for your opinions and support, no matter what you thought I should do.

@bellenga - Yes, we have worked completely through things to where I'm comfortable When I developed crushes during our long distance relationship, (happened twice) I always followed the same protocol: I would let the guy know that if I act a bit giddy that's why, to let them know that I am happily committed and didn't want them to get mixed signals, and I always let FH know out of the interest of COMPLETE honesty and to ASSURE him that NOTHING would come of it, or had come of it. And they all eventually went away.

He seems to have done the exact same thing in this situation, so perhaps this is why I understand his actions. I'll save you a few other details that came up through our discussions, but the bottom line was that I saw him make serious efforts to assure me that he was not at all interested and that it accidentally developed and I saw him make serious efforts to remove her from his life, which was his decision.

@lavenderpug - pinkchampagne - We weren't SUPER duper close. We were two fresh faces at our work and we came together through adversity, and she was a good friend to me and my FH at a time when we had few. Very very few of my friends (because of the long distance thing) got to know the two of us as a couple, and so if none of this had happened she definitely would have an invite in her hand now, despite the 2 years of little interaction.

@professorbee - The idea that a guy would confess a crush to someone with NO intentions of seeing where it would take him was EXACTLY what struck my FH's father as strange, and that's actually the ONLY part of the whole scenario that he didn't approve of, as I wrote above. He and I both agree that crushes are natural, normal, and in our opinions can't be faulted in and of themselves. The confession issue didn't dawn on me until he pointed that out, and I guess I didn't see it as an attempt at her because it was the same thing I had done with guys I fell for briefly - I knew they weren't interested, and so it was a way to prompt their rejection and thus jar myself back to reality. Inevitably, they did give me the "I like our friendship the way it is" talk, and that definitely helped. Sometimes, I even asked them to help me by putting distance between us for a few weeks, which worked and they remained my friends as a result.

My FH told me directly that this was his intention, because he knew she didn't reciprocate the feelings and would reject him, and all the jokes were also his attempts at convincing himself that this is ALL JUST NONSENSE on his part. With regard to other infidelity, none at all. He actually was cheated ON, and it was extremely painful for him and so he always said that infidelity was the deal breaker for him. I believe him completely when he says he didn't ever make a move.

@KateMW - Yes, he did. I remember him telling me that when she found out that he told me, she was mortified - most likely because she was worried how I would feel about her. She wouldn't want me to be angry with her, which I'm not of course.

Yes, we haven't spoken for a while, but it's consistant with her character and mine that our friendship is solid and established even though there isn't daily contact. So, it's no wonder that this isn't an easy decision.

To add a strange twist to this whole thing (insult to injury, really): my FH must have been feeling quite annoyed/angry at himself and needed to vent to someone, so he vented to someone fairly close to him: my FSIL. Know what she told him? She liked my friend better than me, and told him he should chose her.

Awesome.

My feelings on the matter: if inviting her "tempts the situation" then the marriage itself is a bad idea.  If seeing her makes him want to cheat, then HE should not be getting married.  I'd say take the FI part out of the equation entirely.  As there was no cheating, she did nothing to encourage the situation.  In fact, she reacted in shock and discomfort when she found out!  If you wouldn't invite her regardless, don't.  If you would, do.  What I would be most concerned about is the fact that your FI told you about having feelings for another woman... we all get crushes, but feeling the need to reveal them is unnerving.

@MrBee - He mentioned it because it shocked and hurt him. It was to convey "Can you believe how ridiculous she is?"

Wow, I'm really disgusted by your future sister in law. I wouldn't invite HER to the wedding!

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, I hope it works out.

@MissClaire and Aloweha - Believe you me... I wish.

@ejs4y8 - Thanks for expressing your opinion, and it's good to hear another point of a view, harsh or no.

It's interesting to look back on 10 years of a long distance relationship and to realize how much we've both grown. In retrospect, and from the perspective of others, these crushes are strange if not downright dangerous or a warning sign.

The way I felt about them at the time were that they were extensions of workplace sexual tension, because I never ever had feelings of wanting to be with the person in a relationship or leaving my boyfriend for them. Talking to male friends, this seems to be what they experience with other women, but would never ever admit these things to their wives. As long as no one makes any moves, there can be an understanding that we're all human beings with human feelings capable of surprising us. Even when wives or husbands are physically present people develop these issues.

My FH and I always felt this way, and in retrospect he was incredibly mature and supportive to me. For that reason, I couldn't bear being anything but the calmest, most accepting person I could during his turn at these occurences. And the icing on the cake is that I am more in love with him now than ever. (The crushes I had were....almost 7 years ago.)

All these things happened at a time of a great deal of personal change and growth for me as well, so the person I was then is not the person I am now.

Thanks so much for your imput; it's very appreciated.

Oh, and regarding the FSIL, I wasn't at all upset that he talked to her. From what he told me, it was severely weighing on his conscience and had to talk to SOMEBODY, too. The FSIL's comment is consistent with her past behavior, and that was the only thing that "stuck in my craw" a bit.

My FFIL and I have a very unique relationship which is totally different from the one with his son. Due to complicated family dynamics and personalities, what results is that he and I can speak quite frankly about important family matters in a context that removes all personal judgement. In other words, he was the only person that I could confide this issue to that wouldn't question the strength of our relationship as a whole (he called it "just a rough patch that will pass") nor would think badly of him for having these feelings. Anyone else would do both of these things, including my mother who I'm very close to.

Considering we moved past it pretty darn well, it was a good thing I didn't tell her, because she was riding a high at the time from the secret he confided in her that he was going to propose to me. I wouldn't want to upset her in that way over something that blew over.