Post # 1
I ranted about FH FINALLY deciding to look ove rthe budget last night and now he’s concerned (when it’s getting too late to do much as we’ve made a lot of decisions) and now he has me worried and stressed out. I know we can make it work. I know it’s more than we REALLY wanted to spend but we can do it and it’s the wedding we want.
We have a lot of debt currently and we want children and a house before too much longer and the wedding costs will mean that these things might have to wait a little bit. But we want this wedding (not me, we).
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like I may rant a lot in the next few days.
Post # 3
@MsGinkgo: I guess my first question would be, do you want the wedding equally? If he is concerned that his real life goals, like owning a house, paying off debt, and having babies, are going to put on hold for a wedding then perhaps it is not as important to him to have an elaborate wedding? We chose to do something VERY basic for that exact reason – we have more important things to direct our funds towards.
I can understand that he would feel overwhelmed getting more debt when you already have debt and being married but not being able to have a house or children. I wouldn’t want to do that either. Maybe he wants the wedding but he didn’t realize how much it would cost or that his practical goals would have to wait. I think it’s very important to be on the same page about financial priorities.
Post # 4
@MrsPanda99: I promise you I provided many less expensive solutions to him all of which he turned down. This is already a less expensive wedding than what he wanted to do. The issue is really that he doesn’t seem to grasp what things cost and he doesn’t listen when I tell him – or he listens and it doesn’t register.
We would have been married years ago if we didn’t both want a proper wedding (him more so than me – I was willing to run off the vegas, he wasn’t having it).
I’m going to see if we can get catering costs down and find less expensive rentals and maybe reduce staffing costs.
One of the big issues is that so many of these costs are completely dependent on how many people actually come. 75% of our guest list is from out of province, there are some that we are fairly confident will be no’s but I’m doing the budget assuming that they’re all coming and they’re all ordering steak (again, I know that’s not going to happen).
I think part of it is that he knows that the bulk of OUR debt is ultimately his – he has RIDICULOUS student loans, stemming from him taking 6.5 years to finish a 4 year degree…we’re 30 and 31 and want babies NOW. We’re actually pretty comfortable financially, I think he’s also looking at the wedding and thinking why haven’t we been saving that money – he likes to spend and I have a hard time saying No, that’s the answer to that one. We can pay for this wedding, worst case scenario we end up in a slightly deeper hole than we’re in now but I’m not talking huge extra debt.
He also wouldn’t talk to me last night, he just kept making statements without offering any type of solution and I could tell that if I pushed it he’d get really upset and I didn’t want to go there at 10pm when we both have to get up for work. Hopefully we can actually talk about this tonight and come up with a plan.
Why can’t he just LISTEN when I tell him things and then tell me if he thinks it’s a problem instead of waiting this long!?
Post # 5
@MsGinkgo: Then I change my answer: it is entirely his fault 😀
Seriously, he wants something without properly understanding what it entails. That puts undue pressure on you and the relationship. He isn’t giving you any proactive solutions to solve the problem and everything is falling to you. Yeah, I can see why you’d be frustrated.
Post # 6
@MrsPanda99: lol. It’s amazing how much better you can feel after venting to strangers on the internet. Now I won’t go home and be all upset with him as I’ve released much of my frustration here.
Post # 7
I think that you should honestly both have a big discussion about this. My fiance and I have changed wedding plans. We were going to have a church wedding with 40 guests and then a 3 course meal at a hotel. We could have afforded it but it would have meant having less money to move out and get a deposit together (we are living with parents), less money for me to get on the road (nearly finished driving lessons) and have lots of other expenses coming up. We may just be going to a registry office now and hopefully have a church blessing afterwards as we are christians. We are cutting down to the list to just parents and siblings and feel so much better about it now as spending a lot of money on one day was not a wise decision for us personally and we want to get married soon and not when we are established.
Post # 8
@MsGinkgo: My husband and I both had a post-wedding freakout that was caused by 1) the wedding costing more than we expected and 2) taking a good hard look at our finances. We were incredibly stressed and fighting for a few days, until we calmly sat down and took a careful look at our incomes, debt, and spending. We set out to create a highly detailed monthly budget that had the goals of rapid debt reduction, building our savings, while still covering regular expenses and a teensy bit of fun money. It really soothed both of our worries. We don’t fight about money at all anymore. We do discuss purchases of over $100 but we’re both staying accountable to the budget.
Your FI should have definitely taken a look at the wedding spending/budget beforehand, but it does sound like it’s too late to drastically scale back. So I think it’d be best to start thinking about your finances beyond the wedding.
Post # 9
@remijp: We do have a detailed monthy budget that includes everything and aggressively paying down our debt. The budget is a little more liberal than it could be, but I know from experience if I try and tighten things too much it doesn’t work. FH works in finance and hates looking at the household budget, he has agreed to what we follow in priciple, but he doesn’t pay a ton of attention to it and I handle 80% of the finances in the home which has been working fairly well and I’m okay with.
Post # 10
@MsGinkgo: So if you have it under control, why is he freaking out? Personally, I think if he’s not willing to put in the effort of planning the household/wedding budget and making spending decision, freaking out when he hasn’t contributed an opinion before is counter-productive. If he’s not comfortable with the current spending levels, he needs to get himself more involved!
Post # 11
@MsGinkgo: I am sorry!
I would ask him right now to please set aside time for a family meeting tonight (say it in advance rather than springing it on him when you get home).
I would also let him know (once in your meeting) that you are very frustrated and stressed out, that you tried to get him to participate and now that he has (a litle too late), it’s causing MUCH stress on your part. Ask him if “we” can prevent these situations in the future with him listening to you.
Post # 12
@MsGinkgo: I don’t know if you’ve tried this already, but maybe it would help him understand your POV better if he had more tangible data to draw from? Like using pictures to show him what a $1k, $3k, $5k, and $10k venue might look like and see which is the lowest price point he’s comfortable with?
Another strategy would be to give him concrete details of what X amount of $ will actually buy you. For example, “If we spend the extra $1k on the more expensive meal option, that means everyone will have to stand during our wedding because we won’t have $ to rent chairs.”
My FI and I ran into a similar problem. I think he panicked a bit too when I started talking about what we had to “cut out” or having to go with “the cheaper option.” It just didn’t hit him where all the $ was going until I started taking this approach.
Post # 13
@coffeeaddict: We have booked our venue and have 6 caterers to choose from, all of which have very very similar price points – within $1000 of each other pretty much. We have one that we’ve chosen becuase we really like them. The quote has 3 parts Food, Staffing, Rentals. I’ve tried to explain the breakdown but I don’t think he sees it – your idea might work.
I also have MY spreadsheet that’s a worst case scenario where EVERYONE gets the most expensive meal, EVERYONE attends and ALL the kids get meals (there will be several under 1 who I doubt will be getting the kids meal, but the parents will have the option)
We get to bring in our own liquor which is a huge bonus for us, and part of the reason we chose the caterer we did is that they’re allowing us to do it all with no premium, one of the caterers wants a 30% markup…