FH has me all stressed out…

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@MsGinkgo:  I guess my first question would be, do you want the wedding equally? If he is concerned that his real life goals, like owning a house, paying off debt, and having babies, are going to put on hold for a wedding then perhaps it is not as important to him to have an elaborate wedding? We chose to do something VERY basic for that exact reason – we have more important things to direct our funds towards.

I can understand that he would feel overwhelmed getting more debt when you already have debt and being married but not being able to have a house or children. I wouldn’t want to do that either. Maybe he wants the wedding but he didn’t realize how much it would cost or that his practical goals would have to wait. I think it’s very important to be on the same page about financial priorities.

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@MsGinkgo:  Then I change my answer: it is entirely his fault 😀

Seriously, he wants something without properly understanding what it entails. That puts undue pressure on you and the relationship. He isn’t giving you any proactive solutions to solve the problem and everything is falling to you. Yeah, I can see why you’d be frustrated.

Post # 7
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think that you should honestly both have a big discussion about this. My fiance and I have changed wedding plans. We were going to have a church wedding with 40 guests and then a 3 course meal at a hotel. We could have afforded it but it would have meant having less money to move out and get a deposit together (we are living with parents), less money for me to get on the road (nearly finished driving lessons) and have lots of other expenses coming up. We may just be going to a registry office now and hopefully have a church blessing afterwards as we are christians. We are cutting down to the list to just parents and siblings and feel so much better about it now as spending a lot of money on one day was not a wise decision for us personally and we want to get married soon and not when we are established.

Post # 8
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MsGinkgo:  My husband and I both had a post-wedding freakout that was caused by 1) the wedding costing more than we expected and 2) taking a good hard look at our finances. We were incredibly stressed and fighting for a few days, until we calmly sat down and took a careful look at our incomes, debt, and spending. We set out to create a highly detailed monthly budget that had the goals of rapid debt reduction, building our savings, while still covering regular expenses and a teensy bit of fun money. It really soothed both of our worries. We don’t fight about money at all anymore. We do discuss purchases of over $100 but we’re both staying accountable to the budget. 

Your FI should have definitely taken a look at the wedding spending/budget beforehand, but it does sound like it’s too late to drastically scale back. So I think it’d be best to start thinking about your finances beyond the wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MsGinkgo:  So if you have it under control, why is he freaking out? Personally, I think if he’s not willing to put in the effort of planning the household/wedding budget and making spending decision, freaking out when he hasn’t contributed an opinion before is counter-productive. If he’s not comfortable with the current spending levels, he needs to get himself more involved!

Post # 11
Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MsGinkgo:  I am sorry! 

 

I would ask him right now to please set aside time for a family meeting tonight (say it in advance rather than springing it on him when you get home). 

I would also let him know (once in your meeting) that you are very frustrated and stressed out, that you tried to get him to participate and now that he has (a litle too late), it’s causing MUCH stress on your part.  Ask him if “we” can prevent these situations in the future with him listening to you.

Post # 12
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MsGinkgo:  I don’t know if you’ve tried this already, but maybe it would help him understand your POV better if he had more tangible data to draw from? Like using pictures to show him what a $1k, $3k, $5k, and $10k venue might look like and see which is the lowest price point he’s comfortable with?

Another strategy would be to give him concrete details of what X amount of $ will actually buy you. For example, “If we spend the extra $1k on the more expensive meal option, that means everyone will have to stand during our wedding because we won’t have $ to rent chairs.”

My FI and I ran into a similar problem. I think he panicked a bit too when I started talking about what we had to “cut out” or having to go with “the cheaper option.” It just didn’t hit him where all the $ was going until I started taking this approach.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors