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Luckily my FH has been very helpful but he has been married before and as a result of that, has some definite opinions on certain things, and is fairly go with the flow on other things.
Perhaps a jumping off point to involve your FH would be in picking up a wedding ettiquette book (we bought Emily Post's Wedding Ettiquette). We then went through the book and discussed our individual thoughts on certain things. Maybe your FH needs to see what is traditional to determine if he agrees or has a different opinion. My wedding is less than 2 months away and just last night we pulled out the etiquette book. It's been a good discussion starter for us, maybe it could help you.
Also, I required my FH to attend the initial meeting with each vendor. He wasn't required to say anything or participate, but I did require him to be present. That way, if my FH didn't like the vibe he got from someone, he could let me know but I could still plan everything. I've been to a wedding before where the bride loved her photographer but the groom had never met the photographer beforehand. The groom later wished he had because she was great with women but had a terrible bedside manner with the groom and groomsmen, which spoiled some of their picture taking.
You may also want to assign your FH one task. I gave my FH the DJ and string trio. He was in charge of booking them and discussing preferences (mine, if he didn't have any) and timelines with them. My FH's original opinion was that those things weren't important to him but making him handle some of that interface time with the vendors took a lot of stress off of me and he consequently enjoyed finding out he had an opinion on somethings he didn't think he would.
I gave my FH a few jobs that I knew he could handle and that were not a big deal to me. He is in charge of the bar, DJ and honeymoon. I have also had to tell him that he needs to try a little harder when I ask his opinion and it seems to be working.
I have the same suggestions as previous posters, I had FI take care of some aspects that would interest him such as the music list, or looking up different activities since we are having a destination wedding. I also expressed that this is also his wedding and while I know he trusts in me and the decisions I would like to feel like we are a team and it's nice to have his input and opinions as well. Some things I know he is just not going to be interested in, that's where my sister and girlfriends step in!
My FH has been tremendously helpful. We have this "agreement" from the start and he understands just because I don't have my parents here with me and i'm totally planning this by myself. The fund of the wedding also comes from both of us so i would definitely want his opinion on almost everything.
We're having a long distance relationship so he cant be present for any vendor meetings obviously, but we have this one big Excel file with all about the wedding and we have a task list with "Person In Charge". I assign a few stuffs to him that i thought he would handle it better than i can, such as:
- out of town guests accommodation
- budgeting (he's an accountant and i hate math :))
- booking wedding car/limo
- music
- reminding his groomsmen for measurement and stuffs
- being the point-of-contact with the tuxedo rental salesperson
- finding info about marriage license and changing name documents
When it comes to crucial basic decision such as colors, I also asked his opinion. I find it hard at times because he also has NO clue about the wedding traditions and everything and we have a different aesthetic taste but what i usually do is to provide facts to him and give him options as to what we should decide. Of course it wouldn't be 50-50 effort but at least 80-20 is not bad at all.
The whole wedding planning stuff... We actually take it in a way that we can "practice" on making decision when it comes to our marriage later :)
My FI is/was also in charge of accommodations, music (ceremony and DJ), honeymoon, what he and his guys are wearing (and I tell him that if he doesn't do it, he'll get married in sweatpants and look like an idiot, so it's not my problem to worry about it and nag him to do it) and their presents. We worked together on the rings, I designed the invites with his input, he picked the cake flavors and we went together for reception food and flowers (this was his least favorite. He kept saying, "baby, I don't know. They're all white.")
So, I'd just stress to him that since you're going to become a couple, he needs to help with things, or at least give his opinion.
I think the key is to decide who cares most about what projects, and then delegate--so long as you both have veto power. Of course this doesn't work if a bride cares about every detail and is more on the control-freak side (not saying that you are though!!!)
My FH is actually in charge of most of the planning, including: venue/food, dj/band, videographer. Once he gets that part done I'll move on to the decorative stuff/invitations. We're sharing the responsibility of photographer, ceremony readings/timeline, & honeymoon.
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I'm kind of in the same situation as misschickie. My FI is dealing with vendors, contracts, etc and I'm doing more of the decorative/creative stuff. He's never going to care about the difference between ivory and ecru invitations and I suck at negotiating with people, so it works out well for us. Not that I'm not still stressing about the vendors, but that's a different story...
My FI hasn't really done anything.. any of "his" duties his parents have taken care of. I made him help me do up the favours.. but he's really just tell me what time to be there etc. The only part of the ceremony he was interested in was where we kiss. He's shy and not into being the centre of attention so i think he just wants it to be over with!
My FI has been NID as well (Not Into Details). I had to beg him to participate in some things.
He didn't seem to mind going to look at the venue and meeting with the coordinator. He absolutely hated meeting with the decorater and asked never to have to do something like that again.
So he's never met our DJ, Photographer, Guitarist or Florist. The only things he wants to be a part of is the reception tasting and cake tasting. Figures. LoL. But all is well...he trusts my decisions and I like to organize things anyway.
He lets me know that he's excited about our Big Day in other ways, so I don't feel like I'm in this boat alone.
Mr. Pineapple's Common Sense for the Committed
;)
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hahaha....yeah right! My husband really did nothing. He helped putting things together, such as invites, programs, favors, centerpieces. but the planning/vendor choosing and everythign else was up to me. But then again, I enjoyed all of it. and he knew I knew what I was doing. and really, do men care about these things? He picked the food, and forced me to change our BM's dress colors from black to anything else (yeah, what a jerk!).....and when I really needed an opinion he gave it. but pretty much he said it was my thing. So I had other people to help me with things.
**misschickie - I wouldn't say I'm a "control freak" necessarily, but this is the second wedding I've planned (first wedding was called off 3 days beforehand, but that's another story!) So I have some definite opinions on things, and since I've been around the block with this planning thing, I am super organized and I know all that a wedding entails, whereas he doesn't know the first thing about planning, so I think that's why there's this tip of the scales when it comes to ideas.
**BriLJL - my FH is really good about making me feel like he is excited about the wedding in other ways, too. I have to remind myself that just because he doesn't get excited talking about centerpieces and color schemes doesn't mean he isn't excited to have a wedding.
**everyone else - I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, BUT we're getting some good deals on the vendors I had previously booked (for the other wedding) who are giving us "date transfer" discounts and letting me apply the previously paid deposits toward this new date.
I am surely going to take the advice to have FH meet the vendors I already have booked. I think this will help him get a different viewpoint instead of me having to "school" him on weddings and wedding planning.
Thanks ladies!!
My Fi and I started a mini-blog together and this has been helpful in letting us keep up to date with where the other person is in terms of certain ideas, vendors, etc. It also makes it fun because we can post some non-wedding related stuff as well - which can provide a nice break :) I admit, there are lotsa times when I am posting more than he is, but at least he is reading it and commenting back either on the blog on in person. if you would like to see it, you can pm me. :) hope this helps!
I printed off one of those "To Do Lists" that come in every magazine and wedding realted website. I handed it to him with a highlighter and said "Show me whats important to you and what you want a say in, leave out anything you could really care less about"
He marked off a good handful of things, and then I knew what to bother him with and when to make a decision on my own.
He;s a guy and he's not going to fall all over the smallest details. Very few guys out there are all wedding. So find out what matters to him and go with that. If he acts like nothing is important, then I would be firm and say "Look either you help me in some way with input, or sleep in the garage" ;-)
It shoulnd't be totally inept, but you should want him to be hands on all the time either. Mostly because it's just not going to happen.
Well, it's a fact that some things that you worry like crazy about are going to be things that he just doesn't get. However, it is his wedding too - so the "just tell me when to show up" doesn't really cut it, in my book. Part of being a couple is getting involved with each others' interests, even if they aren't particularly your passion. That doesn't mean that you have to go rock cliimbing if you're scared of heights, but it does mean that you participate in activities that wouldn't otherwise be your first choice of how to spend your time.
From the start, FI was actually the one who wanted the big wedding - my first choice was the courthouse. So that gives me a little extra leverage, but he is very good about being involved. After all, a big part of the guest list is his friends and family, so why wouldn't he care what food and wine is served or what music is played? We agreed from the start that the wedding, if there was to be one, was a joint project. That doesn't mean that we do everything equally - but he is way more involved than just showing up. You may not get your FI to look through pages of color samples or surf the internet for the perfect place card holders, but he should be interested in the decisions, and he should be able to undertake specific projects on his own, and he should be helping with the running around and meeting with vendors and (when the time comes) assembling of invitations and favors and printing of place cards or programs or menus.
I do find that it helps if I pick my times - FI doesn't want to do wedding stuff every night, or late at night, or right after work. We started out scheduling a lunch every couple of weeks to go over decisions and details and tasks - then it went to every week - and now we have things that have to be done pretty much every night, but we try to keep it to an hour or so each night. He comes home every evening and asks "What are we doing tonight?" So I'm still keeping the list, but he is definately working as hard as I am.
weddings should be a joint effort, as the two of you are getting married and it is the symbolic start of your joint life together. that said, if he doesn't care about color, then you have some more leeway. echoing some of the other advice, find out what he's most interested in and get him involved. even if you enjoy the planning, it's not at all fair for you to do all the work. just because it's fun doesn't mean that it's also not a huge commitment in time and effort.
good luck!
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Are any of you having a difficult time getting your FH involved in wedding planning?
Every time I bring up something wedding-related, FH repeats the old "just tell me what time and where" mantra. It's really making me bonkers. I know that guys typically don't get super into wedding planning, but a LITTLE input would be nice.
Plus, he is CLUELESS when it comes to weddings, which isn't that big of a deal, but it makes for some frustrating conversations about etiquette, traditions, etc.
How can I make this less of a battle for both of us?