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Dear Bees! This morning at 5h30, I received a call from some girl who gave me her name and asked me if I was dating my fiancee coz she is a girlfriend to him. I'm devastated. I haven't fully confronted him about it, I just sent him a message about the incidence so he knows that I know. I also want to just deal with the disturbing news in my mind, cool down a bit.
We had started with pre-marital counselling already. I'm not scared of breaking the engagement if I have to, I don't think its healthy to stay with a cheating person, but I'd like you bees to give me objective opinion on how to go about addressing this issue, coz now I'm very emotional, still don't have 100% proof. When i confront him I know he'll deny it, then I'll have to go through his phone for proof which I don't like doing.My biggest issue now more than anything else is the fact that now I don't trust him, how are we going to build a marriage from distrust?
Please help!
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear. :-(
Did you speak to the girl at length?
Make sure you find proof before you are too hard on him. You don't want to burn that bridge before you know. He'll understand scared and cautious, do your research. Then make a choice... I hope for you that she is lying. Not that it's good and it wouldn't hurt but, best case.
I'm so sorry to hear this! Honestly, I'd try to talk directly to your finace, in person to find out what's really going on. Explain what happened and see how he responds. Hopefully he will be honest with you one way or the other and you can have some more information about what's happening. If I were you, I'd even tell him what you said about trust--if you're feeling like you can't trust him now, how will you feel after you're married.
Hugs to you and let us know how things go.
Were you surprised to get that call? Do you trust him completely otherwise? You said he is just going to lie about it so that tells me yo uprobably don't trust him 100%.
You have to confront him about it and ask if it's true. If he denies it and you think he's lying, ask for some kind of proof. Do you guys live together? It would be much harder for him to get away with something like that if you do. It is possible this other girl tried to get with him and failed and is just jealous, but it takes a lot of courage to call you like she did, so chances of that are kind of slim.
Can I ask how she got your number?
If it's a cell number, it wouldn't be listed in the phone book, so it makes me think she must have gotten it from him or his phone?
Why would she call like that? Sounds a little suspicious. I really think this could go either way. Yes, he could be cheating, or it could be someone who is jealous that he isn't with her and is trying to ruin your relationship. There had to have been more to the phone call I think? Either way *hugs* because I know it has to be really heartbreaking and emotion and I'd be spazzing out personally. Good luck
(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! How long did you speak to the girl who believes that she's his girlfriend, and can you give a little detail on how the rest of the conversation went? My guess is that she somehow got your number from his phone, and saw that he called you quite a bit by checking his phone.
I would definitely approach this carefully with him. He most likely is going to be on the defensive like you said above. He may try to deny it, or he may have a good explanation. Just let him know that by this girl calling you, your trust has been depleted, and you're giving him a chance to explain and come clean about it all.
Good luck with this...I hope all goes well and of course keep us updated on how you're doing, even if it is just to vent on here!
Thanx for your quick response . I really appreciate it. I'll try to answer everyone's question: The conversation was very short, it was still early so I was half asleep really and I didn't expect something like this at all. What's surprising to me is how cool and collected she was. She didn't sound angry or irritated at all, if i was in her position i wouldn't be very collected, just my thoughts. I was the one who was quite angry actually though I really tried hard not to lose it.
About trust, I must say that I have my own trust issues that do not necessary have anything to do with him as such that I carried along from past failed relationships. We've had few arguements in the past with him about him hanging around girls that he refered to as just friends, but eversince I voiced it out that it makes me uncomfortable especially if its ladies that I don't know that he's never introduced them to me, he stopped.
We do not live together but we spent most of our time together, I'm still asking myself when does he get to be with this other girl.
When I asked the girl where she got my number she said that she got them while she was going through his cellphone.
I'm also thinking of bringing it up during our pre-marital counselling sessions that is of course if the relationship continues.
I'm so sorry to hear this...what a rude awakening you had this morning!
Did she let you know why she was calling? Was it to find out if she was being cheated on? I guess my feeling is that I don't know many women who would deliberately break up an engagement out of jealousy. So no matter what it sounds pretty fishy for your FI. I'm sorry to say that...but I guess what I've seen from friends is that a warning like this is not usually a good sign. I think your approach of allowing yourself some space to let it sink in, and bringing it up in counseling is a good idea. Emotions can get charged around something like this, and hopefully the counselor can help you get to the heart of the matter. I really hope that my initial reaction was jaded and untrue...and regradless, sending you some (((Hugs)))
Oh my goodness. Lots of bee hugs to you.
I cant even imagine how your feeling right now.
Good luck confronting him... maybe try and get more details from the girl first?
I dunno.... maybe thats not a good idea.
Here's an update on what's been going on since the morning of the call that has changed my life: My fiancee doesn't wanna talk. He says he's not ready to speak to me yet, he will when he's ready and he gave me tomorrow as "the" day. He doesn't give away any information the only thing he says he's that he's terrified of losing me. Isuspect there's more to this than just a girl he cheated with. I'm thinking of all kinds of scenarios. I'm thinking that this lady is pregnant and it might be that she's been on the scene for a while, maybe even before I came along, possibilites are endless. Well since he's not giving anything away he lives everything up to my imagination abd I'm gonna drive myself crazy trying to think of all possible scenarios.I'm expecting the worst right now and the big question I'm asking myself is the "what am I gonna do?" Are things like these forgivable? If I do forgive him depending on what he tells me and his willingness to work hard, will I really really be fine afterwards or am I gonna sustain deep emotional wounds that will never heal?
All you already married guys, is this part of the vows when you commit to be with someone through good times and bad times? Otherwise I'm fine, I'm not as devastated as I anticipated. sometimes I cry about it especially during prayer times, but as long as I keep busy I don't think about it that much. Do you think it's denial or just a coping mechanism?
Commetns from the bees will really be appreciated.
Oh my goodness, *hugs*!! I would be going crazy and would want answers immediately! So, good for you for keeping your head about it, although I'm confused as to why he gets to choose when you two discuss the situation of his cheating??? Seems to me he lost that right when he decided to be unfaithful? As to whether or not things like cheating are forgiveable or not, I think that depends on his actions leading forward. I don't think it's realistic to think that you'll be able to forgive him immediately, but if he stops his shady actions and earns your trust, over time, you may be able to forgive. I also think once you make a commitment to forgive, you must really move on anf forward. Good luck.
Melodi: You're not married yet, no matter what vows you were prepared to make. Good times and bad, yes, but his actions show that he's not taking those vows seriously, which to me negates them. Run, run like the wind. And this comes from a married lady.
If my current husband ended up cheating on me, it would probably end after a lot of counseling to get us through that process -- because, like you're talking about, I could never trust him again.
And I'm with Vegas, I don't see why *he* gets to choose "the" time you talk. Seems pretty controlling and would make me really angry.
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::hugs:: I wish I had some words of wisdom... I know how it is, my first husband cheated on me with my best friend while I was away at bootcamp... we had a 2 year old little boy at the time so it was a VERY hard decision to make... my prayers are with you!
He seems to be prepared for this. You're right, there has to be more to the story. If both him and the girl sounded cool and collected - maybe this was something he's been pondering to tell you but hasn't found the right way. Either way, I think it's gracious of you to give him that chance to tell you the full story. You deserve it. Listen fully to what he has to say before you get emotional.
I'm sorry this has to happen to you, especially now that you're engaged. But take it as a blessing, better to happen now than when you start a family together. Maybe it won't be so bad as you think. Are you having your wedding soon? Maybe you should consider moving the date.
(((HUGS))) I have to say that you are very collected - applause to you for that! Try not to think of all the posible scenarios, you'll just drive yourself mad. There are WAY too many possibilities for you to run through your mind. Did this girl call your cell or home phone? If it was cell, do you have the number she called from? I dont know why your FH is picking the date to talk...he should not have that luxury in this situation. <font size="2">
If he is that terrified of losing you, he should have considered that before he got involed with anyone else, regardless of how deeply involved he is. And if he was involved before you came along, he should have ended it. Period.
We're all here for you! Please keep us updated, we'll be your support system! (((HUGS HUGS HUGS)))
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Once upon a time (back in my college years), I was that girl. The girlfriend who called the "other" girlfriend to let her know what was going on. Most likely she is calm because she has had more time for the whole idea to simmer and settle. She probably is over the crying, shock stage and is just mad and wants the truth of him to come out.
If you are able to and have the strength to, I would contact her and find out more. Get her side of the story. She probably doesn't really have much of a reason to lie to you, like he will. He'll lie to save his ass and keep you around. She doesn't really gain much from lying to you. Unless she's a crazy. It sounds very suspicious on his part, especially since he's just avoiding the whole topic and doesn't want to talk about it for a day. Sounds like he's trying to gain time to gather his thoughts and think of excuses.
People do make mistakes. An instance of cheating is one thing, a whole affair and secret life is a totally different thing. You really need to find out the truth before you can make a solid decision.
My jaw dropped when I read that your FI doesn't want to talk. I'm with Vegas in the question on why he's the one who is choosing when you talk? You're not the one who went out and cheated on him and had some guy call him up to ask if you're dating. I AM married, and if my husband said that to me, I'd let him know that we were talking on MY terms, or he could find another place to live...and quickly. I feel terrible for you. I would be the same way...running through a million different scenarios of what he has been doing all this time! Is it possible that he's giving himself this time to break it off with the other girl finally?
I'm up in the air on if you should contact this girl again. On one hand, mssushi is right in that she most likely has nothing to hide. The only reason I think she would lie is to ensure that she got him in enough trouble to break up with you so that she could have him. But, she might also be just as shocked and hurt that he's been living a secret life apart from her as well, so she'll be upfront with everything that's been going on. On the other hand, how much do you WANT to know? Do you want to know all the sorrid details of their relationship? I would think that you would need to be prepared to hear that from her, especially if she's as upset as you are.
Good luck with this...keep us updated please!
That sounds suspicious to me (that that girl would call YOU, that is). I would DEFINITELY speak to your fiance first, and try to stay calm. Make sure to tell him that you don't want to accuse him without proof, and maybe explain to him that it would put your mind at ease if you guys could find out who this woman is (and here's where you can check his phone records).
I am sorry that you're going through this turmoil. *HUGS* But to me, it doesn't really sound like he's cheating, so do try to relax.
Here's an update of the new development. Finally when I confronted him he did confess about the cheating. He told me how it started. He asked for my forgiveness (so cliche). Apparently she someone he met through a collegue that he's starting a business with. She was their "contact" and they'v been having an affair fir the past 3 months. There's just one word to describe how I'm feeling, "devastated"
MelodicBee, I am so sorry!!
You said that you were in counseling with him, right? Call your counselor and tell her the situation. She will either reccommend you coming in by yourself, or having you both come in together. I think it would be good to talk this over with someone who has met you both and can help mediate this situation.
The most important thing is for you to be in the right frame of mind to make the best decision for yourself.
***HUGS***
Melodic, I'm so sorry. Definitely call your counselor if you feel like you trust/connect with him or her. If not your counselor, I hope you're getting some good support from somebody. Big hugs to you.
First off I am SO sorry to hear about what you are going through. (((Big Hugs)))I cannot imagine the pain and the hurt that you are feeling. You should take time to your self and really think about what you want and need out of this relationship. He should definitely understand if you would like time by yourself at this point. In the end it is ultimately your decision wether you choose to forgive him at this point. What ever happens I wish you the best.
I would imho not be able to ever trust him again.
He carried on two separate lives..two girlfriends, one being his fiancee (you). What was he gonna do? Buy her a ring too?
If I were in your shoes I would not marry him. I divorced my xh because he was unfaithful and did the double life thing too. I would have never found out about any of it were it not for a wierd scenario that took place.
Life is too short to forever look behind your back wondering if the person you've entrusted your life and heart too is faithful.
I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I hope you are ok and have emotional support from your friends and family.
I know you're not necessarily asking "what should I do?" but my recommendation is to leave him. How long would he have kept this up if she hadn't of called you? And you're engaged...not married...what will he do when he is married? And in your very first post - you said you'll have to go through his phone for proof which you don't like doing...it seems like you've done that before and have trust issues. Living a lifetime worrying about another girl doesn't sound like a very good life to me. Good luck and I hope you listen to your head as well as your heart!!
A drunken kiss is one thing...but a three month affair???!!! RUN away away from this guy. Nobody who truly loves you would do this to you. He has something broken inside of him that will take years of hard work to fix (if it even can be fixed). It's not your job to hang around waiting to see what other crazy things he's doing (and trust me, if he did this, he's done other things too). Get out NOW and just be glad you found out before you were married. I'm so sorry that he hurt you. It sounds like you have a good strong religious foundation to lean on - remember that God asks us to forgive, but he does not ask you to hitch your wagon to a broken horse.
MelodiCBee ((hugs)) to you.
Even though this is awful, I am glad for you that this information surfaced before you are married to him. A similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine last year, she had been dating a guy for quite a while and then out of nowhere got a phone call from another woman he was also dating. They spoke for a while and tracked down several other women he'd been seeing. They all had short and calm conversations with one another, really in a "i'm looking out for you because I'm screwed over too" kind of way. My friend was like "I'M DONE WITH HIM!" and then proceeded to dive into her work and school AND went on weight watchers and has since then lost about 60 pounds and looks and feels amazing. I'm so proud of her. The guy still calls her every once in a while but she never contacts him back because that was such a deal breaker for him. It is so weird because he was leading all of these different lives, I can't even imagine how he made the time to do all of that!
I'm not sure what you are deciding to do right now, but please know this is not your fault. People who cheat and create these separate lives do so out of their own issues. If he someday chooses to deal with those issues so that he can live an honest life, then that is great for him but please know that kind of work is going to take a LOT of effort for him. It takes so much work for anyone to change and that person has to be devoted to full effort on their own personal terms. It can't be left to "if you stay with me, then I'll change" because it is so much more work than that. For his sake and the women he hurts, I hope he someday chooses to change. But you know, MelodiC, that you do NOT have to have this type of dishonesty in your life.
Find your truth, follow your heart, and things will fall into place. Really. And in the meantime have a smoothie and go get a massage!
Oh, sweetie, my heart is breaking for you :(
I'm so sorry you are going through this-- you are worth so much more than what he has put you through! Do you have some close friends or family you can lean on during the next few days and weeks?
((((hugs))))
I know this sucks, but it is so much better that you found this out now.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. You absolutely don't deserve any of it. I unfortunately don't have any advice for you except to follow your heart. In the end, it knows what's right, and it knows if you can or can't get over this. Take your time, surround yourself with friends and family and keep in mind that we're all here if you're having a particularly rough day with this. Wishing you all the best!
I'm so sorry :(
He's the other girl's problem now, do your best to be strong and come to us for support!!
Thanx to every Bee for kind words and support. I still haven't decided what i'm gonna do, and i'm blessed yo have friends to talk to and help me pray. including the Bees.
Wishing you the best and many hugs. I know you'll feel the right answer and glad you're taking time to reflect and pray about things. We'll support you whatever the outcome! In your corner!
you are such a strong woman, keep that up. KEep your head high and your mind calm. You know the bees are always here, you come to us whenever you need anything at all. We're all behind you, whatever it is you so choose to do (((HUGS)))
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If its not true... then why didnt he just tell you that? Sounds like he called the girl first to see what she told you. Break up with him, he's a loser.
SHe only could have gotten into his cellphone if he took his pants off. And left them, while he was in the shower, on a chair or something with the cellphone in the pocket, or was asleep, and left it on the bed rest as an alarm clock.
Good heavens, you poor thing. This may sound harsh, but your fiance sounds like someone you're better rid of. I say this from past experience of a relationship with a guy who pulled a similar thing on me. Here's the thing, I have never met anyone who was happy that they stayed with a cheater. It's like breaking a seal - once a person cheats that die can never be uncast. You owe it to yourself to be with someone on whom you can rely and trust - not who you will always be wondering what he's up to.
I knew of several women who my former boyfriend cheated on my with and could very well have contacted them, but to what end? How will finding out the extent and seriousness of his cheating help you to heal?
I hope that you talk with your counselor and come up with the best decision for you - one that doesn't involve you living with that burning feeling in your stomach because you're worried whether you are being betrayed. Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another.
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