Post # 1
Dear Bees! This morning at 5h30, I received a call from some girl who gave me her name and asked me if I was dating my fiancee coz she is a girlfriend to him. I’m devastated. I haven’t fully confronted him about it, I just sent him a message about the incidence so he knows that I know. I also want to just deal with the disturbing news in my mind, cool down a bit.
We had started with pre-marital counselling already. I’m not scared of breaking the engagement if I have to, I don’t think its healthy to stay with a cheating person, but I’d like you bees to give me objective opinion on how to go about addressing this issue, coz now I’m very emotional, still don’t have 100% proof. When i confront him I know he’ll deny it, then I’ll have to go through his phone for proof which I don’t like doing.My biggest issue now more than anything else is the fact that now I don’t trust him, how are we going to build a marriage from distrust?
Post # 3
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear. 🙁
Did you speak to the girl at length?
Post # 4
Make sure you find proof before you are too hard on him. You don’t want to burn that bridge before you know. He’ll understand scared and cautious, do your research. Then make a choice… I hope for you that she is lying. Not that it’s good and it wouldn’t hurt but, best case.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry to hear this! Honestly, I’d try to talk directly to your finace, in person to find out what’s really going on. Explain what happened and see how he responds. Hopefully he will be honest with you one way or the other and you can have some more information about what’s happening. If I were you, I’d even tell him what you said about trust–if you’re feeling like you can’t trust him now, how will you feel after you’re married.
Hugs to you and let us know how things go.
Post # 6
Were you surprised to get that call? Do you trust him completely otherwise? You said he is just going to lie about it so that tells me yo uprobably don’t trust him 100%.
You have to confront him about it and ask if it’s true. If he denies it and you think he’s lying, ask for some kind of proof. Do you guys live together? It would be much harder for him to get away with something like that if you do. It is possible this other girl tried to get with him and failed and is just jealous, but it takes a lot of courage to call you like she did, so chances of that are kind of slim.
Post # 7
Can I ask how she got your number?
If it’s a cell number, it wouldn’t be listed in the phone book, so it makes me think she must have gotten it from him or his phone?
Post # 8
Why would she call like that? Sounds a little suspicious. I really think this could go either way. Yes, he could be cheating, or it could be someone who is jealous that he isn’t with her and is trying to ruin your relationship. There had to have been more to the phone call I think? Either way *hugs* because I know it has to be really heartbreaking and emotion and I’d be spazzing out personally. Good luck
Post # 9
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this! How long did you speak to the girl who believes that she’s his girlfriend, and can you give a little detail on how the rest of the conversation went? My guess is that she somehow got your number from his phone, and saw that he called you quite a bit by checking his phone.
I would definitely approach this carefully with him. He most likely is going to be on the defensive like you said above. He may try to deny it, or he may have a good explanation. Just let him know that by this girl calling you, your trust has been depleted, and you’re giving him a chance to explain and come clean about it all.
Good luck with this…I hope all goes well and of course keep us updated on how you’re doing, even if it is just to vent on here!
Post # 10
Thanx for your quick response . I really appreciate it. I’ll try to answer everyone’s question: The conversation was very short, it was still early so I was half asleep really and I didn’t expect something like this at all. What’s surprising to me is how cool and collected she was. She didn’t sound angry or irritated at all, if i was in her position i wouldn’t be very collected, just my thoughts. I was the one who was quite angry actually though I really tried hard not to lose it.
About trust, I must say that I have my own trust issues that do not necessary have anything to do with him as such that I carried along from past failed relationships. We’ve had few arguements in the past with him about him hanging around girls that he refered to as just friends, but eversince I voiced it out that it makes me uncomfortable especially if its ladies that I don’t know that he’s never introduced them to me, he stopped.
We do not live together but we spent most of our time together, I’m still asking myself when does he get to be with this other girl.
When I asked the girl where she got my number she said that she got them while she was going through his cellphone.
I’m also thinking of bringing it up during our pre-marital counselling sessions that is of course if the relationship continues.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry to hear this…what a rude awakening you had this morning!
Did she let you know why she was calling? Was it to find out if she was being cheated on? I guess my feeling is that I don’t know many women who would deliberately break up an engagement out of jealousy. So no matter what it sounds pretty fishy for your FI. I’m sorry to say that…but I guess what I’ve seen from friends is that a warning like this is not usually a good sign. I think your approach of allowing yourself some space to let it sink in, and bringing it up in counseling is a good idea. Emotions can get charged around something like this, and hopefully the counselor can help you get to the heart of the matter. I really hope that my initial reaction was jaded and untrue…and regradless, sending you some (((Hugs)))
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2008 - Imperia Hotel (modern chic hotel)
Oh my goodness. Lots of bee hugs to you.
I cant even imagine how your feeling right now.
Good luck confronting him… maybe try and get more details from the girl first?
I dunno…. maybe thats not a good idea.
Post # 13
Here’s an update on what’s been going on since the morning of the call that has changed my life: My fiancee doesn’t wanna talk. He says he’s not ready to speak to me yet, he will when he’s ready and he gave me tomorrow as "the" day. He doesn’t give away any information the only thing he says he’s that he’s terrified of losing me. Isuspect there’s more to this than just a girl he cheated with. I’m thinking of all kinds of scenarios. I’m thinking that this lady is pregnant and it might be that she’s been on the scene for a while, maybe even before I came along, possibilites are endless. Well since he’s not giving anything away he lives everything up to my imagination abd I’m gonna drive myself crazy trying to think of all possible scenarios.I’m expecting the worst right now and the big question I’m asking myself is the "what am I gonna do?" Are things like these forgivable? If I do forgive him depending on what he tells me and his willingness to work hard, will I really really be fine afterwards or am I gonna sustain deep emotional wounds that will never heal?
All you already married guys, is this part of the vows when you commit to be with someone through good times and bad times? Otherwise I’m fine, I’m not as devastated as I anticipated. sometimes I cry about it especially during prayer times, but as long as I keep busy I don’t think about it that much. Do you think it’s denial or just a coping mechanism?
Commetns from the bees will really be appreciated.
Post # 14
Oh my goodness, *hugs*!! I would be going crazy and would want answers immediately! So, good for you for keeping your head about it, although I’m confused as to why he gets to choose when you two discuss the situation of his cheating??? Seems to me he lost that right when he decided to be unfaithful? As to whether or not things like cheating are forgiveable or not, I think that depends on his actions leading forward. I don’t think it’s realistic to think that you’ll be able to forgive him immediately, but if he stops his shady actions and earns your trust, over time, you may be able to forgive. I also think once you make a commitment to forgive, you must really move on anf forward. Good luck.
Post # 15
Melodi: You’re not married yet, no matter what vows you were prepared to make. Good times and bad, yes, but his actions show that he’s not taking those vows seriously, which to me negates them. Run, run like the wind. And this comes from a married lady.
If my current husband ended up cheating on me, it would probably end after a lot of counseling to get us through that process — because, like you’re talking about, I could never trust him again.
And I’m with Vegas, I don’t see why *he* gets to choose "the" time you talk. Seems pretty controlling and would make me really angry.
Post # 16
::hugs:: I wish I had some words of wisdom… I know how it is, my first husband cheated on me with my best friend while I was away at bootcamp… we had a 2 year old little boy at the time so it was a VERY hard decision to make… my prayers are with you!