Post # 1
I need a small vent to stop me from feeling too sorry for myself 😛
So FH and I dont argue much and when we do it usually blows over pretty quickly. BUT its only because I cant stand the tension and end up apoligising very quickly, no matter whose in the wrong. It only blows over because if I sat around waiting for an apology, I dont think we would ever talk again (ok thats an exaggeration, he would probably just forget we even had an argument). He never says sorry. His opinions are solid and he sees things black and white and will not stop arguing until im well and truly upset, even then sometimes he keeps going. And no matter what I say he always says more, you know?
We recently had an argument where we were both getting super angry (the type of angry where you just want to start smashing things! No? Just me?) and he ended up calling me useless. I dont know know about you guys but for me, that seems to hit a nerve and he knows it too. So I ended up storming out dramatically and going for a run to cool off. We forgot about it, whatever. It somehow got bought up today and I said something to him about him not apoligising and that calling me useless was a cheap shot. He got angry again and said he has nothing to apoligise for. Fuuuuuuuuuu….!
We have had several talks before about him not apoligising but he must forget. I mean come on! If your fiance is sobbing over something hurtful that you have just said you would aploigise damn it! I do if I upset him! Right…now that I’ve made my FH look like a dominating arsehole let me explain that its not always like this, infact its hardly ever like this. And its defintitely not worth ditching him over so please dont even mention it :-P. Its just frustrating beyond words how he always seems to think his argument is right no matter what and if I dont agree then too effing bad. I cant ever get him to see my side and to argue with him is like cracking my head against a brick wall. So. Pointless. (and painful :-P)
Bah! Whatever, this was so much longer than I expected! Any advice bees?
Post # 3
@Sarahbear: *Hugs Sarahbear* I’m sorry that you are going through this. I know that you said that you all have had talks abou this before but can you think of maybe a different approach to the conversation to help him understand that you find this unacceptable and hurtful?
Is there something you can tie back to him, like, what if I told you you were (fill in the blank)? Sometimes, men are stubborn like mules and it sucks big time!
Post # 4
I’m not really sure what to say. I mean if you’ve already talked to him about it and he still hasn’t changed…I guess don’t hold your breath for it to change. I hate to sound so pessimisstic, but I would think that if you’ve had a seriously talk with him about how important an apology is to you and still doesn’t remember seems like it doesn’t sit high on his priorities to remember. I remember one time Fiance was joking around and said something kind of mean that I took the wrong way. I told him how much it hurt and he apologized and felt terrible for teasing me about …I cant even remember. I would hope that would be your FH’s instinct as well.
Post # 5
As I see it, you have three options:
1) find a way to make peace with it
2) go to counselling and see if a third party can get through to him
3) split up
I know you said 3 isn’t on the table. But if you think it sucks now…it’s going to be infinitely more aggravating after years and years of marriage. So I hope you find a way to make options 1 or 2 work for you.
We have had several talks before about him not apoligising but he must forget.
Come on. You’re smarter than this. He’s not forgetting anything. He just knows that if he’s stubborn enough, eventually you’ll cave and he’ll never have to admit to being in the wrong.
I cant ever get him to see my side and to argue with him is like cracking my head against a brick wall.
Please don’t get married until this is no longer true. Unless you want him having 100% control over every major decision you ever make (jobs, houses, finances, raising children, you name it). IMO, if a couple isn’t capable of arguing in a mature, adult manner, they aren’t capable of a happy marriage.
Post # 6
Hi fellow “bear” bee!
I tend to think that counseling is over-recommended on the Bee, as though it’s a panacea, but I think mrssrm’s #2 suggestion is valid in this case.
Couples counseling could be a way to “force” him to face up to the issue of apologies (and fighting fair – calling names isn’t productive). He can ignore what you say, but that’s harder to do when a third party calls you out on something.
The only question is, whould he be willing to go?
Post # 7
My family is like this…they don’t apologize. Eventually everyone gets over the “wrong” and we realize that said person is sorry, and loves us, etc. But this is just the way I was raised and it took a long time to realize not everyone is like this, some people do need to hear an apology. I’m not saying it’s right, I do hope he changes how he fights, but it may be so ingrained that it takes a while for him to come around.
Post # 8
@mrssrm: I agree with all of this.
Listen, if he won’t apologize then he doesn’t think he was in the wrong. Even if he says “I was wrong”, without an apology he doesn’t really believe that.
Post # 9
My ex could not apologize… not if he said something hurtful, not if he did something innocuous but still apology-worthy like accidentally step on my toe. And he would get defensive, like your guy did, if I brought it up. We went to counseling and turns out he had NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). This could be minor but it could be a sign of a big problem.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Speaking from my own personal experience, he sounds like my ex-husband in his communication style, which is one of the main reasons for my divorce. After years of being given the silent treatment, always being the one to apologize, always being made out to be the “wrong” one, the “crazy one,” etc., I finally had enough and had to get out. You say that’s not what you want to do.
But after awhile this kind of treatment and disrespect will begin to take its toll on you. It will cause your self-esteem to suffer.
When someone really loves you they don’t tell you you’re “useless.” Ever, for any reason. They don’t shut you out. They don’t shove a power trip on you during every minor argument. Your Fiance has anger issues. Please don’t be in denial about it. He needs to learn a more healthy way of communicating. If he doesn’t, I feel for you, because I’ve been there. It sucks living year after year with that kind of treatment. So I had to divorce because he just was who he was and I could no longer accept living like that.
My Fiance is the most amazingly kind and loving man I’ve ever known. He only ever treats me with respect and consideration. Even when we argue! And each of us are able to apologize if necessary. He’s never cursed at me, raised his voice at me or called me any kind of name. He’s never shut me out or made me cry. If I do cry, he’s the first one to comfort me. There are men out there like this, as hard as it is to believe. You can find someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve. I did.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But if your Fiance isn’t aware of this character trait of his you are going to be the one suffering for it. He won’t suffer for it because he’s fine with it. As long as you go along with allowing him to treat you this way, that’s more than likely exactly what he’s going to keep doing.
Please think twice before making a lifetime committment to this kind of treatment from someone. At the very least, please get some kind of counseling or help for yourself if he won’t get counseling with you. You need to realize that what he’s doing to you is a form of abusiveness. Usually abuse gets worse with time.
I wish you all the best.
Post # 11
@Sarahbear: My entire family is like this, we argue, yell and shout, give each other the silent treatment and act like nothing happened in the next hour or two. We don’t apologize because it’s not how we were taught. That being said, whenever my FH and I argue, we always apologize because I don’t believe it’s healthy to hurt/upset someone and not realize what you’ve done. Since you aren’t thinking to break up with your FH, I’d say grow a thick skin cause he’s never going to change how he acts since he feels he isn’t wrong.
Post # 12
It;s a freaking universal male trait. Get used to it.
Post # 13
@KT808: No, it isn’t a universal male trait, lol. I used to think that, too, but it’s really not true. My Fiance is living proof of it. And hopefully my son is as well.
However, I have known a lot of men who are like this, sadly. It’s a common problem but not something any woman should have to live with forever, because (at least for me) it really SUCKED living with someone like that, year after year. I finally had enough and realized I really deserved much better. So does OP and every other woman. IMO.
Post # 14
Mine doesnt say sorry, he just comes up to me later and says something like, ‘do you want to go get dinner?’ or “want to watch a movie?” and I’ve learned that’s his way of surrendering from the fight. Sometimes they just show it in different ways?
Post # 15
My mom is like this, and I used to be. I’ve learned its not always about winning, but about whats best for your relationship. I can now admit when Im wrong, and apologize. I say please and thank you more. I tell my hubs how much I appreciate him, and how amazing he is. I’ve become really humble in the last year, and a lot of my friends have noticed, which is nice. My marriage is better for it, so I can’t complain.
He just needs to realize that there is no winning in an argument with your spouse/fiance. Who really cares who is right and who isn’t, as long as you come to a mutual understanding at the end? Its not like you are keeping tab of whose right and whose wrong
Post # 16
@Sunfire: I agree with you, my husband is not that way at all. He usually wants to difuse the argument as quickly as possibly, regardless if he is right or wrong. We’ve learned the best way to argue over the years, and it rarely happens anymore. We normally just have misunderstandings now that don’t last long, because once we can get out what we needed to say, its over.