Post # 1
I have ordered supplies to have white knots at my wedding and made a donation out of our wedding budget to an LGBTQ organization.
The wedding party, who are all quite in favor of marriage equality, are all going to be wearing them. We’re going to be wearing them. And we will be making them available to others with information on why – either by attaching them to a note about them with the programs on the seats, or by having a white knot table where people can pick one up and wear it.
I honestly just don’t feel right partaking in such a major legal right that is denied to others and making no mention or acknowledgement. We will be rejoicing as others suffer, and the very least I feel we can do is be publicly aware of it and invite others do to the same. We will not be asking anyone about their choices, we will not be speaking of it otherwise at all.
Now FH is saying he thinks his family, who are “outgoing and opinionated” will drink too much and start shit at the wedding with people who are wearing them. (They’re obviously against it.)
It’d hard for me to imagine someone being so aggressive. Maybe this is my reserved english ancestry coming to light here but the correct action I feel would be to roll your eyes internally, not wear one, perhaps commiserate discreetly to a likeminded family member, and leave it at that. Our families don’t know each other at all. Is anyone really so rude that they would confront a total stranger about such a thing at someone else’s wedding?
Post # 3
Yes, some people can be THAT rude. Sadly, the reason I know this is because I’m related to people like that. It’s only an issue if you think your family/friends will get drawn into a “spirited” discussion with his family if they do end up starting anything.
Post # 4
Some people would be that rude and disruptive, yes.
Post # 5
It makes me so happy that you’re doing this. It is such a beautiful idea.
Post # 6
Beautiful idea yes, but I have to agree with your FI on his stance of you could have problems like that. Sadly even in this day and age people are still ignorent, and firmly hold onto the belief that gay marriage is wrong. To me it would be a risk worth taking, but it is something you should be mentaly prepared for because you are making a politcal statement no matter how subtle it may be.
Post # 7
It’s possible, but anything is possible.
This is one of those times were you might have to suffer for what you believe in, but what you are doing is so thoughtful and important that I think it outweighs a bigoted family member.
I assume that the white knot is about marriage equality, but I haven’t heard of it before. Could you please explain it to me?
Post # 8
@Everdeen: whiteknot.org has all the relevant info. It’s an awareness thing.
@HisMoon: I suspect my family is likely to do what they nearly always do if confronted, which is the SNIP procedure – smile, nod, ignore, proceed. My friends are usually another story, but they are adults, and know how to behave at a wedding, which does not generally include escalation.
And yes. It is a risk worth taking. We talked about it and agreed we’d feel worse about ourselves if we stayed quiet out of fear – that’s exactly what anti-equality types prefer and want, silence, and it would basically be “letting them win” in a way.
I was joking that on the card explaining the knots, I would include something to the effect of “If you are so very excited about this issue that you insist on debating the matter with other guests today, we will reward this enthusiasm with a $50 donation in your name to equality-promoter Lambda Legal.”
Obviously that itself is pretty hostile but imagining it makes me giggle.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
@Bebealways: I think your idea is very noble, and of course I support equality (hence my avatar photo) but I think you’re stirring up trouble unnecessarily. Raising awareness is great for things like breast or prostrate cancer etc, but (and I’m sorry to be blunt) what you’re planning to do on your wedding day won’t change the world or help anyone, let alone change those people’s hard-rooted views.
To give some perspective, if you attended a friend/family member’s wedding and they had some scientology propaganda posters and badges around the place, you probably wouldn’t be happy. I’m sure you’re a sensible, restrained person and wouldn’t pick any fights, but some of those people probably view LGBT rights as ludicrous and immoral and might pick a fight after some drinks. Yes, even at a wedding.
But I don’t want to come across as attacking your idea as useless, and as I said I’m strongly in favour of marriage equality, so perhaps you could limit people’s drinking by limiting the amount of supplied alcohol, the strength of what is supplied, and if it’s an ‘open bar’ type thing ask the barman to set a 3/4 drink limit to everyone. Arrange the seating plan effectively and plan activities that’ll keep people busy and not lead to overdrinking and too much mingling. Some receptions drag on and on into the late hours of the night which inevitably leads t more and more drinking, messy dancing and confrontations. My reception will be 2 hours long in the afternoon, followed by another 2 hour afterparty finishing by early evening. Could you do the same?
Post # 10
@MrsYoshida: Thing is, I don’t feel like it’s noble. I feel like it’s sort of bare minimum. I do not have these expectations/standards for anyone else, but personally, I feel like a white knot table is the absolute least I can possibly do and not be a horrible person gleefully taking part in what should be a human right for all and isn’t.
Like what would be truly noble would be canceling my fancy party and spending the thousands I’m putting toward my wedding on that cause instead and going to the courthouse, or not marrying at all until everyone can. I’m not doing that stuff though… I feel like this is the least I can do to feel like I’m not thumbing my nose and betraying others by getting married at all.
But your idea about limiting alcohol might be a good one. Do you think it would work if I just discreetly pointed out the couple problematic people to the bartender and let them know to feel free to cut them off at a certain point? (Maybe indirectly by mixing them weaker drinks or something.)
Post # 11
@Bebealways: I would hope no confrontations occur, that would suck. Then again I’m sure you realize that it is a controversial issue and not everyone is as open minded as you’d like them to be. You may get some eye rolling and there’s nothing you can do about that. Confrontations though, whether verbal or physical, are unacceptable behavior at a wedding. Good luck!