Post # 1
From the very start of our relationship, even a few weeks before that, FH and I talked about how we DIDN’T want kids. Despite the fact that we’re both young, kids have never been a part of my future. I have zero maternal instinct and, honestly, I don’t like children. FH agreed with me and has been saying for 2 years now that we’re just not going to have any children. Everything was fine.
Until today. We were on the way home from Lowe’s, and he said, “I think I’d like to have a child one day.”
Um, sideswiped and speechless.
I proceeded to tell him that we’d discussed this and agreed that we weren’t interested in being parents and I was still dead set on never having kids. I asked him why this had just now come up and if he’d been feeling this way the whole time and if he was hoping I’d ever change my mind like everyone else seems to think I will. He told me not really, but he’s been spending lots of time with his sister and her children and he just really got the feeling that he’d like being a parent.
This is a big deal Bees, and I have no one else to talk to about it because my entire family seems to think that just because I have a uterus, I NEED to have children. The last time this conversation came up in my family, my mom told me that I was flat out selfish for not wanting children and that I would indeed change my mind because I’m a woman.
So, is our relationship doomed? We talked about it a good bit, but FH is still pretty set on having at least one child. He agreed to hang up the conversation until I finished grad school, because I told him that I wasn’t even going to think about the possibility until AFTER I was done with my education. I’m just worried that this is now going to be an issue… Typically, there would be a compromise, but I can’t compromise on having a child.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s been in this boat before?
Post # 3
I’m not in that boat…we both want kids really bad. Do you have a pet? I know it sounds crazy to compare a pet to a child…but for a lot of people, that satisfies the need to parent.
You could consider adopting…but that doesn’t really solve your problem. This is a big deal and you should both talk about it in detail.
Post # 4
You’re right, that is a big deal. The reason we date people is to find the one person who shares our values and wants in life. I’m not sure how to handle his change of heart except to say don’t let anyone guilt you into having a child.
Post # 5
While I am not in your situation, I do have some two cents, haha. If your Fiance is dead set on having a child someday and you are dead set on not having a child ever, then I’m not quite sure how this is going to work out. Eventually he is going to want a child, at some point he is going to want to start trying. If you don’t agree to start trying he is going to feel a lot of anger, and so are you. It would probably be better off ending it now instead of waiting till you get out of school because by then you will be even more emotionally evolved then you are now. It is possible that you may change your mind, but if you don’t then your FH is not going to be happy later on when he decides he wants to start trying to have kids. Fiance and I are actually talking about this in pre-martial counseling right now. Do we both want children, how many will we want, how will they be raised, etc.? So that we don’t end up having problems in the future when we are married. The thing is though people can change their mind at anytime, but if you don’t want kids, and your FH does, I would think that is a big difference.
Post # 6
Yeesh – that’s rough. Assuming that neither of you changes your mind, someone will not get what they want if you stay together. I think it’s awful the way your family talks about it – I’ve seen people be really rude to others who choose not to have children. It’s such a self-centered attitude. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time.
Post # 7
I totally agree with this.
OP I think you need to talk about this sooner than later, even if nothing will be done about it until later. Maybe y’all should consider seeing a counselor for this particular situation since it’s such a HUGE life choice.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsMcDermott: We do have pets, a cat and a dog. And our, well, mostly my dog (we don’t live together) keeps us both pretty busy and for a while, FH said that after taking care of the dog, he couldn’t imagine how much more work a child would be…
@ms_nickie: I’m not going to let anyone guilt me into it. I just really don’t know what to do about this sudden change of heart.
I’m sure we’ll talk about it more, but I didn’t really know what to say when he first brought it up. We were short on time, he had to leave to go to work within the hour, so not much got said.
Post # 9
Not going to lie to you here. If he wants to be a father and you don’t want children, that might be the relationship dealbreaker.
Of course you shouldn’t have children if you don’t want them, and I’m sure you understand that people can change their minds as they get older, and he did. So if he genuinely wants to be a father he shouldn’t have to miss out on that.
Some major soul searching needs to happen here I’m sure, but it’s good to get these issues out in the open before marriage. So this is really a blessing. Would you be open to couples counseling?
Post # 10
I agree with @ms_nickie…Do NOT let him or anyone else in your family guilt you into having a child. You have made up your mind…and yes, though there is a possibility you MIGHT change your mind, there is just as much of a possibility (and I’d say an even bigger one) that you won’t. I also do not want children. I never have and I never will (though I would like a furbaby or two). I have also been told that I’m selfish, that I’ll definitely change my mind, and how rude I am for saying I don’t want children because there are women out there that can’t have them. I am a teacher, so it’s not that I hate children, but I’m really not a fan of young ones….I’m just a person with unrealistic expectations and I expect children to act like small, responsible adults. I also don’t handle other’s bodily fluids well (even drool), and I don’t care how cute or related you are to me. I’ve had so many women say, “Oh, it’s different when they’re your own kids. But I’ve had just as many women with kids tell me it’s not (puke is puke, even when it’s your kid and a screaming child can be just as irritating no matter whose vagina it came out of, even your own).
I’ve had to break up with men I’ve care a lot about because they wanted kids and I didn’t…and to me that’s a deal breaker. I’m not saying it has to be for you, but this is a huge decision to compromise on for either of you. To me asking you not only to have and care for a child for a lifetime when you don’t want them is HUGE, and I know that I personally could not compromise on that. I’m not saying you would be like this, but there are plenty of women who’ve had children they did not want, and it turns out so bad for the child (neglect, abuse (and sometimes emotional abuse is worse than physical, abandonment, etc.).
Why don’t you have your husband ask his sister if you guys can watch the kids for the weekend and see if he still feels the same way after. Hanging out with someone’s kids and taking care of them 24/7 are two different things.
Post # 11
I missed all the other posts : (
Thanks for the input everyone! And thank you for not being rude . I run into that a lot on this issue.
I think seeing a counselor is a really good idea and I hope that it puts things in perspective, whether it be the end of our relationship or not. I know that I can’t be with someone who wants kids while I don’t… but it just seems odd for this to be such a sudden thing. I’m worried that maybe he HAD been secretly wanting a child for a while and he just didn’t say…
Post # 12
By the way, I also agree with others that you need to deal with this now instead of later as it will be more difficult.
And your family makes me angry…my Fiance is snipped and I had a hysterectomy last year, which means I obviously don’t have a uterus. Would your mother consider me less of a women because I can’t pop out a baby? UGH! I think it’s awful to tell someone they’re selfish for not having kids, especially when a lot of people have kids for selfish reasons and in turn help overpopulate the planet (not saying this is everyone, but when your soul purpose for having a child is to have something that will love you or to put a bandaid on your broken relationship, gotta say, that’s pretty selfish).
Post # 13
So you are exactly who I was–I was repulsed by children. I thought they were loud and dirty. All until I got pregnant. My hormones during the pregnancy changed who I was. I became more patient, caring and out of NOWHERE I had maternal instinct. It was like nature’s way of saying that I had it in me to be a mom.
And now, I love my life and I love my son SO much. My love for him is unlike anything I’ve ever felt for anyone (other than my fiance–it is a different kind of love). I know being a mom isn’t for everyone. We have decided to only have one child because I don’t want to be a minivan mom. I want to focus on my son/work/myself and my soon to be husband (okay he should be first on that list). But anyway, I really am not trying to change your mind in anyway. You just sound a lot like who I use to be.
Right now, I still don’t like kids. But I love my own child. I see that he is a person and not just a child. But I see other kids and say “ew” in my head–as horrible as that sounds. I am happy with our one and only and giving some attention to myself too.
Post # 14
@SouthernGirl … yeah, I have to say my first thought was “I wonder if he just hoped she’d change her mind someday,” especially since you mentioned you are young.
Post # 15
I would second the counseling and I just wanted to say you’re NOT selfish for not wanting children. I hate when people say that. In fact, I respect you more for not doing what society thinks you should do and stick with your gut feeling!! What I think IS selfish is having children because other people want you to…
Post # 16
Darling Husband and I want kids, so I’m in the same boat at all, but I will say that kids was a dealbreaker for us. As much as I love him, I don’t think I’d have stayed with him if he didn’t want kids, and vice versa. I think that one of us wanting them and one of us not wanting them would present two very different futures, and I don’t see a middle ground there, and someone would end up very very unhappy. I worry that one of you will end up resentful of the other, either you if you get guilted into having a kid, or him if you don’t, and that’s really not a good recipe for a healthy marriage.
On the flip side, maybe he just has a temporary case of brabies (the baby rabies, and my bff coined it) that will pass. But I agree with @KatyElle: I think counseling is a really good idea.