Post # 1
OK first off since my family isn’t made of money it was agreed upon that we all would split wedding costs. My family will pay for their guests and mine. My FH’s mother and step father will pay for her friends and family. They are good people. Unfortunately, the problem lies with his father. He is only inviting 20 guests and he thinks that since he is paying for them that he can change the entire wedding menu so suit their tastes. His family and friends all have expensive tastes that quite frankly don’t fit in our budget. He wants to serve lobster and filet mignon and has made it clear that everyone will refuse to eat anything less. If it were up to me, I would not invite these people, but they are important to FH and his father. Also, these are the kind of people that never cook or clean for themselves. Anything that isn’t done by a servant or a professional is uncivilized. My point is that my mother feels too proud to let anyone else pay for anything other than FH’s fathers guests. She and FH’s mother are encouraging me to have a lot DIY projects since I am so good at them. The problem is that these are the kind of people that will put you down if they figure out that you had to do anything DIY. Normally I could care less, but its my wedding day and I don’t want to be upset. I am having nightmares about punching his aunt’s in the face. Any advice?
Post # 3
you have to learn to let it roll off your back or you can talk to them how their behaviors affect you. I have experienced the same thing with my family and chances are, nothing you say will change them (unless they are more sensible than my uncle’s wife). She is the exact same way and frankly I don’t give a damn what she thinks. Being more priveledged doesn’t give you the right to be judgemental and cruel. Unless you can afford to splurg everyone with lobster and filet minon (does your fh’s father want to pay the difference for the rest of your guests???), I say just serve whatever you’re going to serve, if they don’t like it, they don’t have to eat it.
Post # 4
What an awful situation! I would let your FFIL know (nicely, and get your FH to either back you up or talk to his dad himself) that you and FH will choose the menu. After all, it is your wedding. Just make a choice and go ahead and tell the caterer (you don’t even have to show FFIL the menu – when he asks, just tell him its taken care of).
Anyone who looks down on you because they have more money than you do is not someone whose opinion you should worry about. I’m guessing they aren’t really as impressive or as rich as you think they are. My grandmother is incredibly wealthy, and you would never know it to talk to her – whenever she meets one of those snobby, pretentious, rich people, she whispers "New money I guess." (Which is about the worst thing she can say about anyone!)
It sounds like your FFIL is a controlling kind of guy, and if you and FH stand together maybe you can nip this in the bud. This may not be your style, but I would be prepared to let him know that while its very nice of him to contribute financially, it is still your wedding and you will make the plans. And if that is not acceptable to him, then you and FH can go on down to the courthouse and then have a potluck at the Elks, or in the church basement. Trust me, you will be way happier doing something simple that you can control than something fancy and expensive that results in you and your family being held hostage to your FFIL’s controlling behavior.
And quite frankly, screw your FH’s family if they look down on you for having the talent, time, and organization to make your own favors or invitations! If Paris Hilton could knit or crochet, maybe she wouldn’t be out driving drunk quite so often.
Post # 5
Nursebride, so sorry to hear they are treating you this way. Please remember those that look down on others are usually insecure about themselves in some way or form and they only put down others to make themselves feel better. You only get to do this once, so make sure you take in and enjoy the whole process. There are a lot of DIY things you can do that no one has to know that they are DIY. But only do this if you enjoy it. I agree with lanny9, just let it roll off your back and realize that they are just insecure and petty.
Post # 6
First of all I’m so sorry you have to feel like this, what a pain!
Secondly, Where is FH in all this? It’s his side of the family so my first feeling is that he needs to be very stern and let them know that you and he have made decisions about YOUR wedding and will be sticking by them regardless of how they feel and they need to accept that. But on the other hand, your parents too have to learn that sometimes a gift is a gift and snobbish as he is, FFIL is still offering you something extrodinary with out asking for anything in return. If I had an offer to serve lobster at my reception I’d tell my mom to stick it…lol.
Just because you are not made of money (I’m not either!!) doens’t mean your day has to feel that way, don’t sterotype yourself by your income. What matters is who you are and this day will only come once, so even if FFIL is being snobby what you need to ask yourself – would you enjoy eating lobster/filet on your wedding day? If so, take the offer. And explain to your mom you’re not taking a hand out – this is family now and you will not play battle of the check books for the rest of your life with the 4 of them.
Good luck hun, hang in there – it will get better. They just need to feel each other out I think.
Post # 7
Oh, I guess I misread your posting – is FFIL offering to pay for all the food for everyone because he wants lobster? You should definately go for that, unless (of course) you have a huge shellfish allergy or something. I thought he was only going to pay for his 20 guests, and your folks would be stuck with the bill for the other 100 lobsters. Maybe you can make your folks feel better by dividing the costs some other way – FHs family pays for catering/bar, while your family pays for flowers, cake, and photos. FH’s family pays for the reception venue while your family pays the fee for the minister and church. Etc, etc. Then you mom can start worrying about the things she is responsible for, and stop thinking about the rest – maybe you don’t have to do so much DIY – and for heaven’s sake just don’t every let one side of the family know what the other is spending, or it will start all over again.
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice everyone. Just to make it clear, FFIL wants to only pay for his 20 guests and force the rest of us to pay for 80 lobster dinners just to appease his family. We are already at $135 without the lobster dinners. It’s not like were being cheap. The man went as far as to tell my mother that he thought the venue was a dump. Yeah vaulted celings and waterfront views are dumpy.
FH’s personaility is different from a lot of men. To put it in perspective, he is sensitive and gets hurt easily. He thinks that his father will boycott the wedding if he says anything to piss him off. I would be happy if they all did, but they are important to FH. Unfortunately, FFIL probably would boycott the wedding and hold it against his son for the rest of his life.
Post # 9
ITA with suzanno!! both my grandmothers were the same way
the ones who "look" or front like they have all the cash in the galaxy are (1) insecure about their status and need to reinforce their image (2) did not earn it themselves – those who have toiled and toiled for it know the value and the hard work it takes to make a few bucks and do not look down on others (3) do you REALLY care what FFIL’s friends think?? if he wants lobster for his friends and it’s not in your budget – tell him – maybe he’ll pony up some cash – but this is yours and FH’s wedding – and it’s not an excuse for people who want a free meal to come join you!!
they should feel honored to be invited to be part of a day that is full of love and hope for the future, not looking down on a DIY project!
Good Luck and Keep Your Head Up!!
Post # 10
wow…that’s a toughie – i definitely wouldn’t be able to afford that! I guess it is easier for me to say let him boycot the wedding. It is your wedding and you do what is within your means! Your fiance should do something about it then..it sounds like he needs to make some decisions. I usually don’t pass judgement too quicky, but your future father-in-law and his family need a few dose of reality and learn how to be more humble…let them experience that at the wedding if they decide to join. It would not be proper to have two different dishes served…nor would it be very considerate to have your parents break the bank to pay for their guests. Goodluck in this..i still say do what YOU WANT and let them all talk til they turn blue.
Post # 11
If he wants Lobster – tell him he needs to pay for it all then. Simple solution, he gets what he wants and can stop complaining.
I’m sorry to hear the relationship between father and son isn’t great over there. Well I sdhoulnd’t say "Not great" but just difficult at times. As sensitive as FH is (and I have one like that too) he does still need to understand that there are times in his life where he will have to stand up for himself, and the only reason he feels as he does now (dad may boycott) is because he’s let dad treat him this way his whole life.
It’s no way to live and I knowit’s eaiser said then done, but if his dad is really more concerned with the food on the table then the son being married – FH needs to say something, regardless of the outcome.
Anyway thats way off topic – I do hope it all works out!!!!
Post # 12
If they won’t eat anything but lobster and filet mignon – they can go hungry. In reality this will hardly be the first time they’ve gone out and eaten something else.
If your FFIL brings it up just look at him with a blank expression and say "I thought you understood we couldn’t afford that" and walk away.
As far as DIY, do YOU enjoy doing crafty things? Then you should do them, regardless of what anyone would say. Besides, who’s going to tell them that you did it?
I know its easy to say who cares what snobs think, but I understand that you don’t want them disparaging your wedding. But face it – if they are nasty snobs, they will find SOMETHING to complain about. So you might as well make yourself happy.
Post # 13
I think you have a problem on your hands that goes WAY beyond what’s on the plate at your wedding. Your future in-laws are manipulative and your FH is unable to stand up to them. I can sympathize about him being sensitive, but if you set up the pattern of letting them bully you as a couple, it will only get worse as time goes by. What happens when they insist that your kids go to the MOST expensive private school or receive a Mercedes for their 16th birthday, but are only willing to pay for "their half" of the grandchild’s gift?
I will be WRENCHINGLY hard to stand up to them, I am sure– but you need to nip this trend in the bud.
I would write out a simple, polite letter to them summarizing the problem as you have explained it here (minus the detail that you wouldn’t mind if they didn’t attend, of course). Explain how bad this is making your mother feel and how hurt you were to hear your chosen location called a "dump." If they have ANY decency at all, this should make them feel ashamed and contrite. If they don’t, then they truly are BULLYS and you’re just going to have to let them threaten to boycott the wedding.
I’ll bet you anything that they would NEVER actually boycott, b/c how could they ever explain to their "posh" friends that they skipped their son’s wedding over a speck of beef and a boiled sea insect?
Good luck! We’re all rooting for you!!
Post # 14
I would say maybe tell your FFIL that if he wants lobster he can pay the difference between what you are already paying and the increased amount for the fancy food. That is the only compromise I can think of.
Personally, I would tell him to shove it where the sun don’t shine, but I know that does nothing for family happiness!