Post # 1
I have been reading wedding bee for a while now but i just joined.
My FH’s family are very nice people and they’re very close. But for almost a year now, his family problems have been getting in the way of our relationship. He’s an only child and because of that his parents depend on him for EVERYTHING!!! he basically takes care of his parents and their house! It’s not that they are incapable or anything but they travel alot and expect FH to take care of evrything at home for them. His father has a terminal illness and FH spends more time taking care of him thatn his mum. FH has spent lots of nights at the hospital while his mum doesn’t bother. I dont want him to turn his back on his family or anything but i feel like his family don’t care enough to give him space to work on our marriage plans and that frustrates me so much. we live together but i spend alot of weekends alone coz FH is taking care of family issues. I worry that this will continue when we get married. It’s hard to talk to FH about it cause i don’t want to seem like i want him to ignore his family, especially regarding his father’s illness. i’m just tired of this
Post # 3
I wish that I could tell you that I feel bad for your situation or that your DH should spend more time with you and less with his parents, but I can’t say that.
Especially since his father is ill, you CANNOT ask him to stop spending time with him. He WILL resent you and it will make you seem childish and selfish. I’ve never heard someone say after the loss of a family member to illness “I wish I had spent less time with them.”
If you don’t want to be alone on weekends, why don’t you come with him to the hospital and to take care of his parents? Spending time helping them and getting to know them will probably make you feel better about yourself and your relationship with your FI and his family, rather than sitting home by yourself. Or, if you really insist on having your FI to yourself, try to schedule a date night once a week. That way he can keep his commitments to his family and still spend time with you.
Personally, I relish my DH’s close relationship with his parents and grandparents. It shows that he is loyal and connected to his family and it is a sign that he will make a wonderful husband and father (if that’s your choice).
Post # 4
@CanAmBride: I totally agree with you, thats very good advice 🙂
Post # 5
@CanAmBride: I completely agree. If his father has a terminal illness, FH needs to spend as much time with him as possible before he passes on. Nothing should come in the way of that.
Post # 6
your post reminds me in many ways of my hubby and his parents, but we have very different perceptions of it. like canambride said, if his dad is ill it’s just really selfish to ask him to spend less time with them. you can ask him to protect some time for you, but don’t ask him to spend less time with his family with this going on.
we used to live 10 minutes away from my in-laws, and even though his sister still lived with them they always asked my hubby to do things for them, like move furniture around, watch their dogs when they were out of town, etc. it was super annoying since they expected hubs to do it, not his sister since she’s really irresponsible…
and then fil found a tumor in his pancreas. this was about 2 years ago, before hubby and i were even engaged. it was the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through together. his dad was in the hospital for about 3 weeks and we were both there with him and mil as much as we could be. it was stressful and difficult for sure, but being there for his family was the most important thing we could do in that situation.
maybe the difference is that you mention that you’re alone when your fh does things for his family–do you not go with them? these will be your family too when you marry. do they not include you, or do you not want to be included? for me, when my fil was in the hospital, they clearly treated me as part a daughter-in-law, even though i was just a live-in gf at the time, and i acted towards them like they were my family too
Post # 7
@CanAmBride:You’re all right and don’t get me wrong..i would never ask him to spend less time with family. It’s unrealistic to want someone to yourself. I have been feeling alot of pressure because as much as he has all that going on he wants us to get married in July!!! He hasn’t even met my family yet because he’s never had the time to… I would feel alot better if we just postponed our wedding until he’s ready, i don’t mind that all. I am close to the family but i don’t want to be always there especially because this precious time for them
@finnaroo: we live together but our families don’t know(would disapprove), so we avoid being together all the time because they’re already supicious and we don’t want to make it worse. I don’t blame them coz they don’t know i’m home, but here have been occasions that his mum has invited him(alone) for lunch at her house knowing that we’re together.
What his family is going through is tough and i do my best to always be there for him and put him first. But being human- being the rock all the time takes its’ toll so don’t judge me for that. Like i said, it’s not like i’m going i ever say “what about me” to him. I’m not a selfish person, i’m very selfless and many times that has worked to my disadvantage because i end up feeling like this. Either way its worth it if it helps him and makes him feel a tat better. so ya`