Post # 1
My FH and I have been down a long winding road to finding a venue since our engagement began last June. Our families live on the east coast (mine in PA and his in GA) and we live in California. We sent save the dates out last August to all of our guests.
At first, we realized how hard it would be for everyone to come out to California where we live so we looked all up and down the east coast from Maine to Florida. We called and emailed dozens of venues. In the end, we just could not find a way to plan and coordinate our dream wedding over there because of the 3 hour time difference and our wedding budget.
About a month ago we found the perfect spot for our intimate wedding in Washington state. We decided it would be the most economical spot on the west coast for everyone to fly to. So I guess you could say we’re having a destination wedding. We booked a venue, our minister, and even a house and then we sent invitations out to our 46 guests–consisting of immediate family and very close friends.
Now, I never expected everyone to RSVP yes…in fact, we would be perfectly happy with a 20 guest turnout. BUT…there are definitely certain people you expect to be at your wedding…right??
Needless to say, my FH’s mother and his grandparents have already RSVP’d a big fat NO to our wedding. WHY ??? They said they don’t understand why we can’t have it on the east coast…even though they never brought it up as an issue before or volunteered to help us look over there! And, they also say it is unaffordable…but they never even called us first before they said no!
It kind of makes me heartbroken (and pissed off) because they KNEW it was coming…they have…for almost an entire year….and JUST NOW are they giving any input. I just feel horrible for my mother and my sister who make far, far less money than anyone in my FH’s family and yet they aren’t complaining about where it is or how much it’s going to cost them.
I also feel horrible for my FH because he is literally the only son in that family and they aren’t even making an effort to come to the wedding….
I know you can’t please everyone…but I was all about having our families there together. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this ?? How do you move on when your new family RSVP’s ‘no’???
Post # 3
Wow…I don’t even know what to say that’s terrible! My grandparents aren’t coming to my Destination Wedding which really upsets me. I’m the first to get married and honestly no other grandkids will be getting married anytime soon. Ugh, the reasons they gave me for not coming just really upset me. Especially since like you, they’ve known for awhile and never spoke up until now. And it’s not in the budget to have a second wedding.
Post # 4
This sucks for you. We were ina similar position, not nearly so far away though. But we changed our plans a lot and moved the wedding closer to all our friends and family because for us, that was more important than the location.
Is there any way you guys can help them make the trip? I can’t imagine getting married without my family 🙁 SO sorry for you guys, I hope you can work something out.
Post # 5
You could offer to pay for accomodations or for the flight for the mom and grandparents if they mean that much to you for them to be there.
I am thankfully having at least my siblings and my parents at my wedding and the same for my FH but the next level out (Aunts, Uncles, Cousin) are mostly No’s. Family is mostly in Florida, Georgia, and New York and we are getting married in Indiana so I figured we were going to have issues.
Truthfully nowadays where people meet each other all over the world they live all over the world you truely can not please everyone (you’ve already said it in your post). Try not to let it get to you but if there are 2 or 3 people that are must haves that are saying they can’t make it because of budget maybe you can offer the room for the weekend to see if that can sway them. You never know.
Post # 6
I probably would have asked one of my family members on the east coast to help me make arrangements.Money is tight for a lot of people right now.They probably think it would have been more cost effective for you two to travel there.It would have been nice for someone to speak up prior to you booking a location. Maybe you can travel to the east coast and gave a small reception another time.Sorry,that sucks.
Post # 7
gosh i would save anyway i could to make one of my nephews weddings even if it was half way around the world – i cant understand someone that doesnt make an effort for their own child but im trying not to judge too harshly
hugs to you and your Fiance
Post # 8
@gonatgo: Thank you!! …Exactly! They knew we were doing all this planning/searching and never said anything about not being able to come if it was on the west coast. I just think it’s really unfair that they’re complaining about it now–and it’s like they’re mad at us. So what did you do about it? For me, it’s going to be really disappointing but I don’t think I want to stop my whole wedding because of it…but on the other hand, I feel really guilt tripped.
Post # 9
I totally understand and you have every right to be angry and upset. I’m not going to thread jack, so look for mine regarding this exact same issue in a little while. But to sum up, a super long engagement, a lot of effort and money on our part to go to everyone’s special day and not seeing the favor returned makes me want to scream.
Post # 10
Since we’re having such a small wedding, I have offered to help anyone out directly as far as finding the best deals on flights, hotels, etc. I’m even looking into group flights from Atlanta because we have so many guests flying out of there.
I guess I’m not sure why they didn’t call first –they must be pretty angry at us–
How do you handle angry family member guests? They’re not even contributing to the wedding.
Actually, what they did was wrote on my Fiance facebook wall that they’re weren’t coming. So now a bunch of people we didn’t invite know that we didn’t invite them. It’s really embarassing !
Post # 11
@artichokey: Thanks, I definitely will. I need all the advice I can get…this has obviously been blown quite out of proportion. And I didn’t at all expect this sort of tantrum from family members.
Post # 12
Lol, we’re the opposite. FI’s family is from Washington, and we live on the East Coast.
I think that it’s very sad, especially because I’m sure your Fiance would want his family to be there, but it ultimately speaks for the kind of people they are. You just need to accept that this is the way that they are.
I’ve been in your shoes with disbelief at the things FI’s parents say/do to their son. I still have problems with the way they treat their son, but ultimately I move on by telling myself that Fiance and I are starting our own family and we won’t have to deal with them very often. Sometimes you wish that your FI’s family would be normal, and nice, and that you could be one big, happy family. Unfortunately life doesn’t always work that way.
This is your day. The people who are coming are the ones that truly care for you. They are the ones who will continue to be positive, supportive influences in your life. Don’t let them make you and Fiance feel guilty through their selfish demands and inability to communicate with you guys before you finalized your plans. That’s their problem, and it’s also their problem that they can’t be happy and support their son. It makes you appreciate more the people in your life who truly care about you.
I think it might be worthwhile for Fiance to talk to his relatives and ask why they didn’t talk to you guys before, and why they can’t come and support him on this special day. Perhaps there is a back story you guys don’t know about. Or perhaps this is just who they are. It might offer some closure to your Fiance, and the situation. Ultimately you are his new family now, and you will be there to support him.
Post # 13
I would understand if older relatives couldn’t come because they didn’t want to travel, or had health issues about flying or something. But even if you had it on the east coast, they’d still have to travel. Perhaps they feel guilty about not making it so they area trying to turn this and make you feel bad about it too.
Post # 14
Yikes, I’m so sorry. It just kind of sounds passive aggressive. I understand grandparents, especially of they have a harder time getting around, but the mother of the groom? Yikes! Sorry to have to deal with this!
Post # 15
@starsonskyline9: I’m just trying not to get upset about it. They are retired and have been for a long time so I can understand that they have to budget things. My Opa said they’ve set aside a specific ammount of money to spend on each grandchild’s wedding and don’t want the other GC to feel like they spend more on my wedding than everyone else’s. But like I said I’m the first to get married and it really doesn’t look like anyone else will be for quite some time. Even tho it sounds terrible, what if I’m the only grandkid that gets married before they pass away? Then what does it matter how much they spent on my wedding. My Fiance said if it was that important to me I could offer to pay for thier flights. They will be staying for free at FI’s family house so it would just be flights. I thought about it, and really was going to offer to, but then a week later I went for dinner with them for my Mom’s birthday and they were talking about thier up coming trip to Flordia for a month and I saw thier brand new car…not a cheap car either. So I really don’t think I should have to offer to pay $1600 for thier flights just so they will come. Like I said to my Fiance, maybe they just don’t want to sit on a plane for 7 hours and deal with the time difference. Whatever it is thier choice and as much as I really really do want them to be there, it’s thier choice.
Post # 16
Did you discuss with his family the decision to have the wedding on the westcoast before booking venues etc?