FH's mom has a favourite son, and it's not FH.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

You don’t do anything about it, some parents have favorites. 

You be there for your guy and you be supportive to him.

Post # 4
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I doubt there’s anything you can really do to make her change her perspective. It’s BS that she’s so obviously enamored with Matt, but seems like she’s pretty set in her ways. 

I would try not to dwell on it, especially since it seems like your FI has accepted it. Like @beemo said, be supportive! I’m not saying it’s easy to ignore it, but try your best to brush it off.

And come to WB to vent about it whenever it’s driving you nuts! 

 

Post # 6
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If there are not many pictures, I would cut out the picture show.  Live in the present.

Post # 7
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@_Adelaide_:  I don’t blame you for feeling fed up! If my FMIL was pulling that crap, I’d be pretty pissed. I also come from a family where there is zero favoritism, so I can definitely see how dealing with your FI’s family dynamic is so frustrating. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@_Adelaide_:  First off, it seems that your FH has come to terms with this and so you really need to try to as well, if only for his sake so as not to dreg up old feelings and hurts.  It’s highly unlikely that anything anyone could say would open his mother’s eyes and change her opinion.  She has every right to do what she wants with her money even if it’s ridiculous and hurtful to her other child.  

Secondly, if SHE wanted a certain kind of wedding and was willing to ante up the cash and can no longer keep that commitment, I would seriously consider changing the plans (even though it will likely mean you losing money in the deposits but you’ll likely save money in the long term) and revert to your initial wishes to elope with a small group.  Why continue to have a wedding that you didn’t want and didn’t want to pay for when she can’t contribute her promised portion?

Post # 10
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Unfortunately it is that way sometimes. I was the 6th child in our family (and a surprise baby to boot!) and there are NO baby or childhood pics of me – none! Yes parents can and do have favorites. As a PP Wrote – apparently your FI has accepted that is how things are. At least he is your #1!

Post # 11
Member
6204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think the only things you can do are to make sure your FI feels special and loved, and to make sure you don’t do this to your own children.

 

Post # 12
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s sort of like that in my family.  My brother gets 100% of help, support, he’s babied even though he is an adult.  Me….not so much.

My bro and I busted my mom saying that I was the smart one and my brother was her favorite.  LOL.  We called her out on it and she was mortified.  Some families are just weird like this.

My point is—your FI is probably okay with it.  You get used it, you just realize that’s the dynamic and your FI probably understands that it is because his brother was sick, and needs the help either for emotional or financial reasons.

To be fair….my SO get’s VERY frustrated at my mom for this.  My father doesn’t admit to favorites, he does admit that you love your kids differently though, and he has supported my mom in helping out my bro in anyway.  SO sees this and he’s got my back, and I’m lucky because he’s really been able to fill any voids that I’ve been missing.  Sounds like you can do that for your FI and I’m sure he loves you very much for that Smile

If I were in your shoes I’d just brush it off with the picture thing.  I can see bending to maybe have some cute pics of the brothers together for the slide show—but having a picture without your FI makes no sense at all!  Just be polite about it.

Hang in there, families have their own dynamics and are weird.  

Post # 13
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

my so is the blacksheep of his family – with ALL of his family, and it’s really obvious. i feel so bad for him, but there’s nothing i can say or do to change how they feel about him. i’m just there for him as much as i can be and assure him that i, and my family, love him very much.

Post # 14
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2000

This is a sad situation. as a mother, I recognize how unhealthy her behavior is. Her behavior says nothing about your FH but a lot about her. She is so afraid of taking a ‘back seat’ as a mother that she ensures that her son Matt remains in some way dependent on her. This makes her feel important and needed. While this fulfills her needs it doesn’t help her son to grow up. Your FH doesn’t ‘need’ her this way, so she rejects him. She doesn’t understand what she is losing. She doesn’t want an adult relationship with her children. I would keep an emotional distance. Just my opinion. Take care. 

Post # 16
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@_Adelaide_:  He’s never said anything to my mom.  And it’s probably for the best, because I have no idea how awkward things could be.  We are lucky because my parents live 4 hours away and we will be leaving the state next year. 

It’s funny because the longer we are together the more he lets me know that he doesn’t like things about my mom and that is one of them.  I’m not one to complain or use the ‘feel sorry for me’ card and it’s been very nice of him to notice it on his own and have my back.  

Personally I just want peace in my family and I’m not sure how your FMIL is, but my mom can be theatrical and dramatic.  So if SO were to say something the wrong way, it can make for weeks/months/years of her having her feelings hurt so I suppose I’d prefer for him to keep his thoughts to himself some what….It’s def a complicated situation for sure.   

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