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I just got recently engaged to a great guy. He has a little baggage having been divorced and has a child. The child will be 3 in August. Our wedding is in January and he will still be 3. FI wants him in the wedding as his RB but I never wanted very young children at my wedding, much less in the BP. What would you do?
Well.. it's not just any child, it's the groom's son! I don't want children at our ceremony/reception at all, but if my FI had a child, I'd think it would be a given that he/she would be there. JMO.
Exactly.. You and your FI are becoming a family now. That family includes his son. It's only proper he's in the wedding.
Honestly, I am going to try my hardest to be polite here, but the fact that you call his son "baggage" is pretty um.... hmm... not nice?
I think that if you are marrying someone with children, you need to love them for who they are including their children.
If it means so much to him to have his son in the bridal party, I think if you love him, you wouldn't even think twice about this.
Just my person opinion.
He's your child so he definitely should be in the wedding. Since he's soo young, it would make sense to have him walk w/ your FG or even a BM. Then he can sit w/ FIL.
I never wanted very young children at my wedding
It's his wedding too. I think you should reconsider.
Excuse me? Your wedding? Baggage? You do realize it's his wedding and his son too, correct?
Adjust your attitude and you'll find life gets a lot less disappointing.
I have a 3 year old and would desvastated if my husband told me he was not welcome at a ring bearer. He came up the aisle with the bridesmaids, ran to DH, and then went to sit with my dad. At the end of the ceremony, DH gave him a ring to sybolize that he was also "marrying" him and taking him to be his stepson.
His son is a huge part of his life and not "baggage." I would let him know you feel this way so you two can work through it before you're married. He may not want to be married to someone who will not accept his son.
I personally would have walked away if my husband felt that way.
This isn't some random 2nd cousin's best friend's kid. This is your new step-son.
This sounds like something you should keep to yourself. I hope your FI doesn't have a clue how you really feel. An extreme attitude adjustment is in order if you want this relationship to work. If it's between you or my child. You lose.
And if you do make it to the altar and decide to have children with your new husband, I feel kind of sorry for the "baggage" he brought into the marriage.
I am not a big fan of kids at weddings but it is his son..
Im going to have to agree with all the other pp's. This isn't baggage this is your family now. This is your fiance's wedding just as much as it is yours and he has every right to want to have his son as his ring bearer. You dont have to invite any other children if you really dont want small children there, but this is a big deal for the son as well. He is getting a step mother. Could you imagine how that would make him feel if he found out his step mother didn't want him at their wedding?
This is your step son not some random off the street. Does your FI know that you feel his son is baggage? This should be something you two talk about.
Wow, you sound um bitter? "Baggage" this is a child we are talking about not some luggage. And it is your FI's wedding also. Why shouldn't he have his son your soon to be step son in the wedding.
It's sucks, but you are getting marry to a man with baggage, you will have to take the whole package as is.
When my best friend got remarried 7 years ago she found out her fiance (now husband) didn't want her 2 yr old son as ring bearer. He decided to bring this up at the rehearsal. It caused a huge issue, lots of tears, she left and the wedding almost didn't happen. This is something you should never bring up. It's his son, not baggage. Your new stepson. It makes complete sense he would be ring bearer, even if you both decide on an adults only affair other than bridal party kids.
Also I had 3 two year olds in my wedding party and numerous newborns and toddlers as guests. All the kids were polite, well behaved, I never heard a peep or crying during the ceremony or reception. Young kids don't have to equal disaster for a wedding.
Did you really just call a 3yr old child Baggage?????? Wow...I wouldn't let your FI hear that cause chances are that wouldn't go well.
You should love this child as your own or shouldn't be marrying his father.
And, I'm having 2 three yr olds and 1 one year old in my wedding along with my 4yr old daughter and none of those babies are "issues". You need to reevaluate your outlook.
I really think that you are in the wrong here. This child is not just any child, this is your future family. It obviously means a lot to your FI that his son is included in the big day and as a future step-mom I would hope that it would mean a lot to you to. When you get married, you are marrying into everything that comes with marrying someone with a kid (even if he only has the kid part time, things happen unexpectedly. What if some day for some reason, your step son has to move in with you full time?). If you were the one with the child, I bet you would want your kid in the wedding...how would you feel if your FI said "Well I just didn't envision MY wedding having any kids in it". I think you need to realize that this wedding is a one day thing, but this marriage is (hopefully) a forever thing, which means that step-parenthood is a forever kind of thing too. If you're not ready to love that 3 year old as your own, then I don't think this marriage is right for you.
Just a correction, I do not call him baggage, I was calling his divorce baggage. And my only concern is that he won't be able to remember what to do and might cry. Yes it is our wedding, when I said my wedding I didn't mean it to not be his as well. I was just describing my thoughts. After hearing some of your opinions and saying how it went with children that age in your wedding, I am seeing things differently. I have not been to many weddings and the ones that I have, have had no children. Sorry if I upset anyone! That was not my intention. Just trying to get a feel for what it would be like to have a toddler in the wedding. Sorry!
There is absolutely NO way you cannot have your future step son in your wedding. That would be just plain awful to exclude him!! I think you should rethink your priorities. Whats not to love? A adorable cute little kid that is family? What more could you want?
@basnyder88: This is your soon-to-be stepson, so I would include him in the wedding and learn to love the child as my own. I can understand you had a certain vision of your wedding earlier in your life, but your path has changed and so must your vision. Is there a reason you describe his son as "baggage" and "the child"? It sounds like you kinda keep his son at arm's length. Maybe it is time to embrace things a little more. Best of luck.
I agree. And I'm not going to lie. There has been alot of adjusting on my part, it's just been a slow process. I do love him to death and he is the sweetest little boy and I couldn't be happier that he is the one I am going to a step-parent to. I just wasn't sure about the ceremony... sorry :(
@basnyder88: That's what stunt pillows are for ...
I was a flower girl at three ... and from the pictures I hammed it up with a hip shake all the way down the isle - I do remember trying my best buh-ba-buh-boom-boom sway all the way down the isle. My cousin, whose wedding it was, still talks about it being the funniest part of the wedding.
Sometimes children give people a good talking point.
I would say as your FI's son and a future part of your family, you should have him in the wedding.
I'm glad you are open to hearing opinions and learning from others experiences. I think your opening post didn't go into much detail it just came off wrong. Anyway my ring bearer was 2.5 and he did a great job. Yours will be almost 3.5 by your wedding, not even a toddler anymore. I think he will do fine. My daughter who is 2 talked about the wedding for months before, knew about walking down the aisle, brought up her pretty dress and basket often. Kids are smarter at that age than you would think. Just make sure he is excited for it and feels special. I think 3.5 is a perfect age for a ring bearer.
I would let him be the ring bearer. I don't think there's anything saying he HAS to be except for your FI wanting him to be. It would mean a lot to him, and wouldn't really hurt anything. Now, if your FI didn't have a preference and you said "I would rather not have a ring bearer or flower girl," that would be one thing, but since he's expressed wanting his son to be the RB, I think you should make that happen.
Often times we have to adjust our 'visions' to match reality. Let him be the ring bearer, I'm sure he will look cute carrying a sign that says 'here comes the bride'!
Are you concerned that the son will make noise, be uncontrollable, or just that he might take away from you being the center of attention?
That he will be loud, not so much uncontrollable as he is a good boy but just loud... not so much attention being taken off of ME but off of the ceremony.
@basnyder88: Can you try to incorporate him into the ceremony (not just as a ring bearer). I've seen weddings where the new step-parent makes a vow to the new step-child as well as to their spouse.
I've always found it VERY sweet and moving that not only are you and your FI joining as husband and wife, but all three of you are joining together as a family unit.
Also, is there someone he could sit with after he walks down the aisle? Maybe that person could have a coloring book or something to keep him occupied during the ceremony.
Let his son be in the wedding. My 3 year old Half brother was our RB and he did a great job. At rehearsal we just told him his big job was to go down the asile with the pillow. Once he got by us, BM Josh would hang out with him to "protect" it. Worked liked a dream and he was so proud of himself.
As long has he's made to feel special (give him a bout, a suit/tux, include in photos etc) and he's got someone to look after him after he's done his job (grandma, aunt etc) he'll be fine! RB have a small part but to them it seems huge.
Logistially (now that pp realize you don't hate him!) - make sure there is someone (aunt, friend, his mother, DOC) to tell him when to walk. Make sure to hand him the pillow only seconds before he walks. Consider fake rings or no rings on the pillow/item for safety if you think theres a risk of him dropping/loosing them. Bring him to the rehearsal. Make sure he knows what to do when he gets to the front. Have him sit on someones lap during the ceremony in the front row - maybe towards the wall if he's cranky. For 3 year olds make sure he doesn't have to use the restroom (an accident in the tux would be bad, actually bad in general). Give him a wedding party gift before hand to know he's special. Tell him he can have all the cake he wants afterwards!
"He has a little baggage having been divorced and has a child. The child will be 3 in August." My gawd you make this little boy sound like a disease or something. I'm just not going to suggest anything because I would rather give a suggestion to your soon-to-be-hubby.
I am sooo glad you corrected your first statement because I was about to rip you a new one :) I am marrying the most wonderful man in the world in September and he also has a 3 year old little boy. There was absolutely no doubt in our minds if he would be in the wedding or not. We actually had to move our date to guarantee he would be there. I am like you though and would prefer no children but my step son will be the only one and the baby sitter will pick him up once the reception starts.
I understand your concern, but it will probably make your wedding more charming and memorable. Yeah, kids don't always behave, and if he doesn't, the guests will probably be amused. He should definitely be a part of the wedding.
Maybe have a backup plan where a friend or relative can take him to another room / outside if he screams uncontrollably or does something that's completely unacceptable. (But it will probably be just fine.)
If you're concerned about guests who have children, I think they'll understand (because he's the groom's son.)
Good luck, and I hope all goes well! :D
This sounds a bit disturbing - when you started dating your FI and agreed to marry him, his son should have been considered at all times. It sounds quite similar to a wretched step-mother story. Have you even built a relationship with this child and accepted him as your own child? Because that is what is necessary when someone decides to start a life with someone who has a child. The mere fact that it disturbs you that the child might be ring-bearer is an indication that you haven't and don't see him as part of the package.
I was a flower girl at 3 1/2 and I was fine. I am having 2 little boys (both age 3) as RB's and honestly I don't expect them to remember what to do, and they may cry but it's not a big deal to me. Most people I think you'll find will think they are adorable and it really doesn't matter whether they act up or not.
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