FI and Honeymoon Issues…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3009 posts
Sugar bee

@anon107:  you’re marrying him, so hopefully you know his interests. 

Clearly the open ended manner with which you are approaching this is not working. He does not want to brainstorm. Why not offer up a few suggestions instead of saying “what do you want to so?” That puts it on him the same way you don’t want it on yourself 

“hey, I was doing some research and came up with 3 ideas I think we would both like. Tell me your thoughts on Paris, Antigua and an Alaskan cruise.” That is a much better way to approach this. 

Post # 5
3009 posts
Sugar bee

@anon107:  Look at what you’re saying. “You” want him to be involved. “You” want him to research. You’re expectations are getting in the way. Clearly this means something more than planning a honeymoon. If it was just about the honeymoon you would take te opportunity to plan a trip you want to go on that he would also enjoy. After those emails did you respond with a “great info. Which way are you leaning?” Spell it out and walk him through this. The end goal is a trip you will both enjoy. He has indicated that he will enjoy whatever you plan. As part of a team, this is your chance to take the lead. Not everything needs to be done holding hands 50/50 split down the middle  

Post # 7
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@anon107:  i told FI since i was planning the majority of the wedding, that he was in charge of honeymoon planning. we was ok with this assigned task.  we agreed on a location and he has done all the planning.

you and your FI need to sit down and have a serious talk.  i see where he is coming from.  he thinks it is your job to plan the wedding and the honeymoon is part of the wedding.  if you want him to take a more serious approach, tell him calmly.

Post # 8
4153 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anon107:  Sounds like he’s saying he’d rather you just plan the honeymoon.  If you want him to plan it, you’re going to have to explicitly tell him to do that.  Otherwise, plan to go somewhere you’ll enjoy and have a great trip!

Post # 9
7194 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think you were way too harsh to him in your email. As a people pleaser, it sounds like that’s what he was trying to do here. I highly doubt he was trying to annoy you. You have to think about people’s intentions, and I don’t think he ha bad intentions here.

Post # 10
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@mamadingdong:  +100000! You’re doing the same thing to him that he does to you, little lopsided? 🙂

Post # 11
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FH is EXACTLY like this.  He is not a planner, not at all.  I am a planner.  It’s one of the ‘issues’ we have.  If I was sending my FH emails like you are, I’d get exactly the same answer.

He’s not going to make the decision.  It sounds like he did what you asked, you gave him 2 options, he researched them and gave you the information.  You should look at what he did, say ‘thanks honey, it looks like option A has lots of stuff that we will both love to do, let’s do that.’

Post # 12
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 1993

@anon107:  Perhaps HE WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY with the place you go on vacation.  I can be the type of person who gets critical about things, and my DH sometimes prefers me to have the “final say” on certain decisions because he doesn’t want to hear me kvetching later about something HE picked out. 

Also, is he as experienced a traveller as you are?  For some folks, if they haven’t travelled as much they really don’t know what the best decision is.  I get that you don’t want to make a “wrong” decision either, but continuing to put a negative focus on the honeymoon planning is a much worse course of action, IMO, than just picking a spot that you will like and realizing that wherever it is you will be their with your new hubs and therefore it will be great!

P.S. — if you want a partner that is going to care exactly as much about every aspect of your wedding planning/honeymoon/life as you do (that 50/50 thing), then you are going to be sorely disappointed.  He will care 80/20 about certain things, just as you will care 10/90 about other things….If you were saying that he is like this about every single decision then that is a REAL problem.  But if not, then it sounds to me like you have been hounding him for months about this issue, and that obviously hasn’t been working, and it’s putting a wedge between you that you have total power to close up — so make a decision, buy some awesome negligee, put the travel brochure/info and the negligee in a gift bag and have some fun having him unwrap the package and see what he’ll be getting on the honeymoon!!! 

Post # 13
250 posts
Helper bee

Honestly my bf told me that I would be planning the wedding and that he wanted to only be a part of food and cake tasting (go figure) but I’m a planner and enjoy doing things like this.  He would rather be out fixing a truck or off roading.  He knows that I wouldn’t do anything crazy and I have already told him some ideas and he said he is cool.  I know if he really didn’t like something he would speak up. However, we agreed that since I am taking on the bulk of the responsibility of the wedding he would be in charge of the honeymoon which he actually said he wanted to do. I believe the honeymoon should be done by the guy.  It is a romantic trip and part of the romance of a wedding. Normally the groom or the groom’s family pay for the honeymoon which to me means that he(they) plan it.

You need to step back from the honeymoon planning and let him take that on. Just sit down and say that since you are doing the bulk of the wedding planning you would appreciate it if he took this part and ran with it. Then it will be a nice surprise for you when you go away.

If he absolutely doesn’t want to plan it then just book somewhere you want to go. Just tell him point blank I do not want to hear any complaints or that you are not having fun since you are deciding to not help in making this decision.  I completely understand where you are coming from that you want this to be a joint effort unfortunately some men are just do not want to be bothered with the work that goes along with having fun.

Post # 14
3009 posts
Sugar bee

@anon107:  sadly, relationships are never 50/50.  “Fair” is better to strive for than even. Complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Also, it is impossible to give 110%- 100% is truly as good as it possibly gets. 


Again, I think you present a few options and find his preference. You should be skilled enough at communicating with him that you can get him to say he would prefer a city to a beach. Just take the lead here- you’re making it more than it has to be. 


Post # 15
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@Cory_loves_this_girl:  +100 for real. 

@anon107:  I don’t really see what the big deal is. You didn’t explicitly say “FH, I want you to pick a place to go, not me”. I think you were way way way harsh to him in your email. If the worst thing that’s happening with you guys is he says he’ll go wherever you want to go on the honeymoon, I’d say you have it pretty good. 

“I don’t want to take the lead. I want him to be part of the decision making, so he CAN enjoy a trip somewhere, not me enjoying it as he says.”

I mean, here’s a shocker, but he probably would enjoy going anywhere as long as he’s with you. That’s what my boyfriend always says, and he means it. Some people just don’t care where they go, as long as it’s a relaxing vacation with someone they love. If you don’t want to take the lead, tell him that. Don’t just expect him to read your mind. That’s very unrealistic. 

Post # 16
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

My husband and I are very similar. He is horrible at making decisions and isn’t a great planner. I think that realistically you have 3 options

  1. You pick where to go and he says “That sounds great, thanks honey!”
  2. Tell him you’re stressed out about other stuff and don’t have time to plan the honeymoon and so can he please handle that. But the catch to this one is that you have to be okay with whatever he picks
  3. Get 2-3 options lined out and then sit down and ask which he prefers out of these options. He may still have a hard time making a decision, but you’ve got a better chance if you do it face to face and with specific options. You’re never going to get anywhere with “What do you want to do?”

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