Post # 1
Hi all. I guess the title says it all. FI and I broke up today and he moved out of our apartment. I can’t believe this is happening.
We’ve been together nearly two years, and he returned in July from a one year deployment to Afghanistan. We got engaged in March, and ever since our engagement he’s been really dragging his feet in terms of getting a ring (I still don’t have one), setting a date, etc. Every decision thus far has caused an argument and it’s made me feel like he’s not really into this. I understand that guys don’t get all that excited (generally) about wedding planning, but his actions have started to feel intentional… like he’s stalling. We finally picked a date/venue after multiple arguments, but when I asked about designatingo our bridal party members (names, numbers), I got another dose of “why do we have to rush this”?
When he came home from Afghanistan in July, his family came into town to visit for a week. He went out of his way to fill their week with surprises and fun things to do (he’s a planner). Last weekend, we took an impromptu “surprise” visit to Florida to visit his family (and surprise them with our visit). But since he’s been home, he hasn’t tried to do anything to make me feel special (a nice dinner, an engagment celebration a night on the town, etc). I told him this made me feel kind of bad, especially coupled with him dragging his feet on the engagement stuff. I threw him a huge surprise party when he returned, and I can’t even get a nice dinner?
I feel taken for granted, and I’ve been doubting his intentions to actually get married. During our break up today, I told him that I still love him (I do!) and that perhaps it’s the engagement planing that’s causing problems for us. I asked him if he would be willing to get married ASAP and just forgo all the wedding planning. He said no… he cited that he can’t marry someone who doesn’t “trust” his intentions to get married, and I replied that his actions led me to believe that he does not truly want to get married. And thus, it’s a circular argument. As long as he behaves this way, of course I’ll feel upset and wonder if he really wants to get married. He wants us to remain living together and “engaged”.
But i feel that… if you’re not ready to marry your fiance at a moment’s notice, then maybe you shouldn’t be engaged at all.
Any advice or words of comfort/wisdom would be so much appreciated. Thank you all!
Post # 3
I’m so sorry to hear that. That is tough, even if it is for the best in the longrun. I have a friend who is engaged to a man in the military and I will say that makes things 8612876235919x more complicated. Honestly, it sounds like he wasn’t ready and that this was all for the best. Remember it’s better to go through it now than later in the planning with down payments put down or after the marriage!
Post # 4
I honestly don’t have any advice but I am so sorry. I think you’re right and that no matter what, you should never feel taken for granted. As soon as you confided that to him, he should have tried his best to make you feel better because that’s not something you should feel in any relationship.
Post # 5
@lilypad1978: I’m so sorry to hear that! Definitely sounds like he wasn’t ready.I would find it hard being in that position, engaged with nothing set. Granted a lot of couples do that and that’s great, but I’m someone that likes to have things planned out and it sounds like you do too. I wish you the best of luck!! Hugs!!
Post # 6
@lilypad1978: But i feel that… if you’re not ready to marry your fiance at a moment’s notice, then maybe you shouldn’t be engaged at all.
Exactly – that’s why someone is engaged – because they are ready to get married. You don’t get engaged with hopes to be ready for marriage by the time the wedding rolls around. You’re doing the right thing. Maybe, after some time, he will get his act together and realize what just happened but in the mean time you take care of you!
Post # 7
Agreed, I think an engagement says, I will marry you tomorrow, or any day after. It sounds like he really wasn’t ready.
Post # 8
@lilypad1978: awww, HUGS hun, I’m so sorry to hear that. I noticed your wedding date was set for next August, and if that is the case, you would definitely NOT be rushing any planning, contrary to what he was telling you. It sounds like the two of you were not on the same page regarding your relationship, and moving forward in your engagement. It sounds like it was a tough decision to make, but it appears to be for the best. Engagement is a period to savour and enjoy, and you deserve nothing less!
Post # 9
Thanks so much for the encouragement, everyone. It’s really comforting. I keep trying to tell myself that this is the right thing to do. It just really, really hurts. I feel so foolish 🙁
Post # 10
Hey hun, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Break-ups effing suck – be sure to really take care of yourself during this time. Watch funny movies, hang out with your girfriends, treat yourelf to a manicure, or whatever self-soothing activity works for you.
Post # 11
I wish u luck but think that your statement is true. Once you are engaged then you should be willing to marry tomorrow if planning a wedding isn’t a factor. If he wanted to then he would- doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to in the future but may not be ready now. He should of been ready when you got engaged.
Post # 12
@lilypad1978: You made the right choice. My DH is an officer in the air force and he was so appreciative of me during his deployments and the sacrifices I was willing to make to be with him. Not every woman is okay with distance, moving, etc… So if he doesn’t realize this then it’s his loss! This will either prove to him that he’s being silly or you will go on to meet a man who will move mountains to be able to spend his life with you 🙂
Post # 13
@MrsRichard: Thanks MrsRichard. My ex is also an AF officer. Small world! Yeah, I was really looking forward to being with him on future PCSs, even at the expense of my own career. You’re right: you DO move mountains to be with the person you love. Thanks for your words of encouragement!
And thanks to everyone else who has replied. You’ve made me feel slightly less crazy and alone!
Post # 14
@lilypad1978: I don’t think you’re acting crazy at all, I think you’re handling this VERY calmly and very well. Breaking up is horrible and I hope you get through it okay. PM me if you ever need to talk.
Post # 15
@lilypad1978: I’m so sorry. 🙁 I totally agree with you. I know your heart is aching. My best advice is don’t live with him. My personal feeling is men get comfortable just living together and don’t want to make a lifelong commitment, but rather continue as they are. I hope this doesn’t sound offensive, that is certainly not my intentions. I wouldn’t add to your sorrow for anything. It’s just a thought I had. I have a feeling your fiance will be calling you soon to work things out. I will say that it took courage for you to assert your feelings. I think you’re absolutely correct. It’s time for him to step up to the plate or call it quits. I wish you nothing but the BEST outcome!
You should not feel foolish! Breakups are the absolute worst. There’s not much worse than a broken heart, hun.
Post # 16
@lilypad1978: It’s true, you really do sacrifice your career to put theirs first for a bit, if he can’t see that he has an awesome girl then he’s the crazy one not you! Break ups suck but wasting years on someone sucks more!!