Post # 1
FI and I are JUST starting the planning process and have hit our first tiny …bump.
I’ll try not to make this long-winded, so here’s the story.
FI’s entering med school and will not have much funding to contribute to the wedding, which is fine. I and my parents will be footing most of the bill.
We have a good-sized budget but it can be kept under control by inviting LESS PEOPLE. I want small (~80 to 90 ppl, not just for $$ reasons but also for intimacy) but when I say that, FI says there’s no way that’s possible because he has to invite more people, out of etiquette. (He’s thinking double #s than what I am). I say, screw etiquette because I’m paying a hefty price to feed our guests….I’d rather have a really (REALLY) nice venue/reception for a few than have more people but in a venue that doesn’t “sing” to me.
So..before I go off getting huffy-puffy with him, I need some input. I know it’s his day too, but he is so busy with med-school stuff that I’m really the only one at this (early) point that is starting to crunch the numbers and I don’t think he has a concept of how expensive it really can get. It’s also the unfortunate truth that because of the medical school situation, we have to continue to keep finances separate, which is why I’m saying I’m paying instead of “we”.
How do we compromise? Am I right or already morphing into bridezilla?
Finally, I must say, other than the guest list we pretty much agree on everything (yay!).
Post # 3
You would rather a fancy venue then let your fiance invite people that he wants have at his wedding?
Personally. who you are celebrating with is more important to me then where you are celebrating.
Post # 4
sorry, I should clarify. I would ABSOLUTELY let him invite who he wants, but he’s thinking of many more “extended” people … And people his parents might want to invite. That’s how I should’ve put it.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I think you should say “this is how many people I can afford” and leave it at that. He should have to provide a valid explanation of how each of these people is important to him, and if he can’t, they don’t get invited.
Post # 6
Set a budget, then go from there. No sense in arguing over something that might not be a factor once you figure out how much $ you have to spend.
Post # 8
Same dilemma here. except its our mothers want to add people becasue they feel obligated. most of the people are people I dont even know.
I’ve decided to just stick to my guns. If i only want 100 they will have to deal. Try to sit him down and explain how much a wedding costs and how much more money the wedding will be if you double the guest list. at first my fiance took his mother’s side until i sat him down and crunched the numbers for him. I showed him how much a wedding for 100 people would cost vs a wedding for 200 people. once he saw the price tag, he agreed he’d rather keep the guest list small and intimate and save the rest of the money for a down payment
Post # 9
I agree. Set a budget. THEN, decide what percent of that budget you want to go to venue vs. food and such for guests.
I, too, would compromise on the venue in order to be surrounded by more friends and family. Remember, it’s a wedding, not a photo shoot.
Your guest count will determine the cost of food, table rental, dinnerware (if rented), favors, alcohol, glassware rental, chair rental, etc. So it is a BIG deal. I’m not sure that all grooms get that out of the gate… so make sure that your FI understands the logistical reasons for a smaller crowd.
But if your reasons are really more of the “I want this super fancy winery venue” vein, I might side more with him. 🙂
Post # 10
Who are these people he wants to invite out of etiquette?
I would each make your list and look at how that fits into the budget. If it doesnt then look at the list again.
Is it extended family or his parents friends that are making his list long. If its family, he may win on this. If its fellow students, then he can cut them.
there really isnt enough information to say who is right/wrong.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Kukahiko Estate
bookmarking for later to see advice..
Post # 12
@kmski: If he is a med student, he is probably a very rational thinker. Ask him to set aside an hour of his time to sit down with you and look at the numbers. Once he sees them for himself, he’ll be able to see it from your point of view. Make sure you also have a “recommended” budget breakdown from one of those websites so he doesn’t bully you into doing things like nixing flowers for more guests.
Post # 13
We had to be strict and have done it so that we invite the same number of friends (40 each) with family invites on top. Friends of our parents are being invited to the evening do.
Post # 14
Thank you all for taking the time to read my post! I appreciate the advice. 🙂
we’ll start with a budget and write out our guest first and foremost!
Post # 15
@kmski: My 2 cents…It seems like many of our beloved FH’s don’t completely have a concept of how much things like catering, venues, flowers cost. I appreciate the fact that my FH wanted this or that to make it a special day, but it’s hard when the money is personally coming out of mine or my parents’ pocket. I’ve also tried to be reasonable and logical with him regarding the budget, and how much things really cost. In the beginning stages of planning, asking him how much he wanted to spend on certain things was absolutely insane and frustrating for me. He didn’t really have an idea, and it created a little friction, because it wasn’t acceptable to me to just say, “the alcohol budget is WHATEVER it ends up being.”
I hope that you guys can come to a good agreement, and just know that I think the majority of us have been through the same thing 🙂
Post # 16
@kmski: I had a budget 18 months prior to the wedding (month and a half after engagement) that was based on 150 guests.
After venue searching it was actually the groom that found the one that “sung” to him, but required 200 guests minimum. At first I was FLABBERGASTED (I had originally only wanted 100 guests and compromised at 150) but we re-worked figures. and in the end it will balance. It was worth it to see him smile and to reduce the hassle of making people cut back on guests. Also remember any budget you set if guests increase/decrease other categories will be affected (Stationary, Mailing costs, Guest Favors, Centrepieces, etc.)
Here was our breakdown (so far) — 0s indiciate gifts/cut categories. Dress gifted by my parents as well as the invitations. And the Groom will probably be forced to use one of the “brand new” black suits he purchased a year ago and never wore in order to keep the costs low.
I just wanted to show you that even when things change, compromises can be made that will allow everyone to be happy in the end, including the budget.
P.S. This thing destroyed my table…. so I screenshot it! — And I included the “Money In” category so you see I was in a similar boat where me and my parents were paying for most of it.