Post # 1
I’m a regular poster but going anon for this one. FI and I have sex *maybe* once every two months. It’s embarrassing to even type. I have to admit that aside from early in our relationship (we’ve been together for almost 5 years), I’ve never been really satisfied with the frequency of sex. I could have sex every day but would be fine with 2 times a week. We’ve discussed this previously. I mentioned to him that it makes me feel unattractive and desperate to always have to be the one to initiate. Last time I decided I would no longer initiate we did not have sex for 5 months. Basically, if I don’t initiate, nothing happens. Also, there always seems to be some excuse from him, he doesn’t feel well, he’s hungry, tired etc. It makes me feel insecure about myself and it’s a vicious cycle. I say I won’t initiate because I don’t want to deal with the rejection, but then I can’t take it anymore so I initiate and get rejected. I’ve been in relationships before where the sex slows down so I get that. But we are at the point where not even special occasions or a trip out of town prompts sex.
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve expressed my feelings several times throughout our relationship and nothing has changed. I don’t want to continue to nag and I am sure it only adds tension surrounding sex. I feel trapped because if I say nothing no sex happens, if I say something and we have sex I still feel bad about it because I had to beg for it. I am terrified at the idea that I may be entering a sexless marriage.
Post # 3
Oh goodness…I’m so sorry. Have you tried going to couples counseling about this? Is there some type of medication that he’s taking that might lessen his sex drive? Have you ever had sex more than once every 2 months?
Post # 4
I think you two need to really talk it out and get to the bottom of what is going on. Express your needs. Allow him to express his. If you have to, try agreeing on a “schedule” of sorts, just to get over this slump.
Post # 5
@2PeasinaPod: We have not tried couples counseling. I would like to for this and other reasons. He is fine with counseling but I am not sure he would be comfortable discussing sex there. He is not on any medication other than allergy meds right now. But this issue is year round. We used to have sex a lot more often. Then somewhere around he second year it died down. At the time he was working two jobs and I got that but that’s where the issues began re: frequency and me having to always initiate. He no longer works two jobs and hasn’t for 3 years.
Post # 6
@cbee: I’m just not sure what else I can say. I’ve expressed my needs.
Post # 7
Has he been/would he be willing to see a doctor?
Post # 8
I think you need to see a couple’s counselor and take him to a doctor. He needs to be completely honest about why he isn’t interested. Maybe he is depressed or has some type of medical issue that makes him not in the mood. Either way, he needs some therapy so that he learns how to communicate these things with you!
Post # 9
I think that once you got to counseling, and you brought up the subject…it would be hard for him not to open up about it. And a counselor might be able to help get to the bottom of what’s really going on with him. It might actually have nothing to do with you.
Post # 10
@2embarrassed: Oh, goodness. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
More than expressing your needs, I think you need to communicate to your FI that this is potentially a dealbreaker for you. (Assuming, of course, that it is.) There’s clearly something going on here, emotionally or physically, that’s causing problems for him in the arousal department, and you owe it to ourselves to find out what before you commit to a lifetime together.
If he’s fine with this level of frequency or is unwilling to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with a medical professional about what’s wrong then you need to decide whether or not you are willing or able to spend the rest of your life having sex only a few times per year.
Post # 11
If it helps, my FI and I went through something similar…
(Our story) He was working at a coop, TONS of hours, and I would massage him and try to be all playful, but no matter what I did it was always “I’m too tired, not in the mood, just don’t want to, have stuff to do.” And it made me feel unattractive, not good enough, and like he didn’t even want me anymore.. then all of the sudden, one day he just got all frisky and we have sex about once maybe twice a day. And I rarely have to initiate it. Last night he took me out to Applebees and we came home and he was all wanting to do it, and I actually had to turn him down, but of course, he got it anyways.. TWICE.
Post # 12
What changed in between the time you were having a lot of sex and not that much sex? I know you already feel insecure, but do you think he could be not as attracted to you? Im not trying to be mean. My husband and I used to have sex all the time. Then he started to gain weight and wasnt really taking care of himself. It was a huge turn off for me. We finally discussed it and while it was a really painful conversation, my husband finally realized that the 20+ pounds hes gained was not going to cut it with me. He has started going to the gym every day and eating much healthier. He has already started to lose weight and I am much more into sex now that I know he is working towards looking his best. Do you think this could be a part of the problem? Sorry if that was offensive but I know that my husband honestly had no idea that was the reason why I was never initiating and once he knew he decided he wanted to change.
Post # 13
I know they say sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage, but apparently it is affecting your relationship and YOU greatly. FI and I have been together two years and we average about once a week/two weeks, but this is because of me. I’m stressed out from school and had a hysterectomy a little less than a year ago, so I think between the stress and the hormones trying to balance out, it’s just been happening a lot less than it used to…so I can feel your pain somewhat, but by no means completely. There are some people who just aren’t sexual people (asexual), but it worries me that you used to have sex more often and now it’s slightly nonexistent. I agree with the others on counseling. I know that your FI must have other great qualities, or you wouldn’t be with him, but I think counseling will not only help you try to discover why he feels this way as well as if you can life in a sexless marriage. I know there are women who could do it, but I know I couldn’t. I would miss the physical and emotional connection of that part of our life. It would be one thing if there was something physically wrong with him that meant he absolutely COULDN’T (and in which case, I would be more than willing to live that life), but it doesn’t sound like that is the case with your situation. It is affecting how you feel about yourself. He definitely needs to explore why he feels this way. I know that in all couple situations, especially after a good long while, sexual relations can wane sometimes, but that’s not always the case and it doesn’t mean it’s a permanent situation.
Definitely do the counseling. I know it may be uncomfortable for him to talk about sex there, but it’s got to be done. He needs to sept outside of his comfort zone before it’s too late. From the tone of your post, I don’t think you want to live in a sexless marriage.
Post # 14
I honestly don’t think it’s going to get better. Even if it does, it will only temporarily. His drive is simply next to non exsistant and yours just doesn’t match. I fear if you proceed into this marriage you will be both agreeing to a virtually sexless marriage.
Or you can suggest sex therapy.
Post # 15
talk about it, talk about it, and talk about it more. come up with a plan, like a minimum of 2x a week, or even a sex schedule. do you try to initiate morning sex? the sex drive tends to be higher then.
fi and i have a very similar problem. we talked about why it is the way it is, how we feel, and came up with a plan. we have a weekly quota, went to a sex shop to get toys/costumes/games, and have morning sex at least once a week. it’s made a tremendous difference.
eta: it CAN get better! it will take a lot of work and commitment from your fi – he needs to figure out why his sex drive disappeared. but it definitely CAN and WILL get better if you’re both committed to the relationship.
Post # 16
I also think @PitBulLover makes a valid point in general (not knowing if this is actually true in your case though). I even think about it when I don’t feel good about myself…I don’t want to have sex either. I feel yucky, gross, fat, etc. and it sucks, but I certainly don’t want to have sex. So even if you haven’t changed, has your FI? Or does he perceive that he’s changed and may he doesn’t feel attractive. If you’ve both “let yourselves go” a bit, maybe you could both benefit from a lifestyle makeover in general…eat healthier, be more active. Just something to think about.