Post # 1
So tonight my FI and I had a huge fight. It was over something so stupid and he got my parents involved which was a low blow for me.
Tonight, I was on my way to my first weight watchers meeting. Okay, so I am not overweight but I would like to get in shape for my wedding which is 9 months away. I’ve been exercising but I think its more of a food issue than anything. Now I am no dietation which is why I thought WW would be a good idea. So I wanted to attend the free first meeting they offer. Well when I told my FI I was heading there, he blew up over the phone, saying that I waste money and such on stupid things. I told him the meeting was free the first time and he just didn’t want to hear it. I got so upset that I couldn’t even get out of my car to go into the meeting. I told him I wasn’t going and that I was going food shopping instead (which I did do) He decided to call my parents and spoke with my father (who knows nothing of WW) and was telling him that I was crazy for going there and all I want to do is spend money when we should be saving.
I arrive home at the same time my mother gets home and the father tells me about the call and is confused about why I want to spend money on this and such. I told him that I didn’t spend any money and I didn’t even go to the meeting. I was so upset that my parents had to get involved with this. It caused a big tizzy in my house. I was so upset that I ignored some of my FI’s calls while I was arguing with my parents. Now I try to talk to him and he won’t speak to me.
I’m trying to explain to him that he pulled a “troublemaker” move with my parents. He thinks I am being childish and won’t speak to me.
Am I really in the wrong here?
Post # 3
I think if you 2 are saving for the wedding and you were out spending the money that you both agreed to save then he might have had a point to discuss with you but you didn’t spend any money and he didnt discuss with you – he told on you.
I would tell him he needs to be able to discuss things with you before blowing up or going to a third party.
Post # 4
Wow I think it’s definitely him overreacting. Have the two of you been cutting down on things that you can spend money on? Maybe he is lashing out because he feels like he can’t go out and do anything with the money that he makes and feels like you are wasting money? If you really want to do it, I would talk to him about why you want to get in better shape (feel good about yourself, be a hot wife, better sex?). Once he calms down, you two need a talk about how it’s not okay for him to just go to your parents every time you have an argument. I’m sure you two can work it out!
Post # 5
I think it is really weird that he called your parents.
Post # 6
I feel that there is some history you havent mentioned, involving you and your FI having different opinions on how you spend your money. If you arent overweight and just want to “get in shape” it may be hard for a guy to understand why you are considering spending money on WW [after the 1st free visit], especially if money issues have been a source of stress for you as a couple, considering that there are many free ways to get in shape. You can jog/walk/ eat healthier/ do sit ups or crunches/ buy dumbells…
Having said that, I personally dont think he should have called your parents, but again I feel there must be more to this story for him to do that.
Post # 7
Yowzers! I would give him a chance to cool off and then sit down to talk with him about what he’s really upset about.
Has your spending been an issue in the past? If it hasn’t, he might just be going through the typical feelings of loss of control that happen when a man is expecting to get married (OMG, I’m going to be sharing my finances with her, what if she wants to go crazy and join all kinds of groups).
He really shouldn’t have called your parents. You should sit down with your dad and explain that they shouldn’t be involved in these kinds of couple’s disputes.
Post # 8
Wait. He’s calling you childish and yet he’s not speaking to you?
You need to be able to discuss things TOGETHER. You aren’t siblings, and there’s no need to get parents involved. There’s no reason to act like fighting teenagers. I think you need to sit down with him and find out WHY he felt the need to bring your parents into the mix. How would he feel if you tattled on him about buying a new video game or going out to eat with friends? Because that’s exactly what he did. He tattled.
I think you have every right to feel wronged. He needs to learn how to face things with you, and not go behind your back.
Post # 9
I’m sorry. It was childish of him to involve your parents…you two need to work out your little fights together without getting others lined up. But sometimes we all act a little childish…
It sounds like the root of this issue for him is money, so maybe when things have cooled off the two of you should sit down and talk about your budget? Or ask him what his financial fears are at the moment? Money is a big issue for married couples.
We just bought a house and had an exhausing night of crunching numbers, but in the end it was worth it to be on the same page so he’s not upset with him for spending money on something and vice versa.
On maintaining your weight through WW, I think it is a great program. Sometimes the online membership is cheaper than going to meetings in-person, so maybe that is a way the two of you can meet in the middle on this? You should feel good on your wedding day and be healthy.
Post # 10
First off, wedding planning can be stressful both emotionally and financially. So…most likely, his response to your wanting to go to WW was a bit on the extreme side. Hopefully, in time, he’ll realize that he didn’t need to react so strongly and apologize for contacting your family.
In the future, I would advise that neither of you contact each others parents to “complain” about the other one. I’ve learned that negative comments about your loved one can come back to haunt you, so to speak.
Post # 11
BTW, my FI freaked out because I wanted to add a coffee pot to our registry and he didn’t like it (he doesn’t drink coffee). After he cooled down and we talked, I realized that he was just have normal nervousness about having me move in, share his space, etc. He apologized.
Post # 12
I would be irritated because he got your parents involved. If he’s upset about something, getting your parents involved is only going to make the problem worse. After you’ve both calmed down I would suggest calmly talking about this and agreeing to keep your issues between the two of you.
Post # 13
i think there is wrong on both sides, he involved your own parents, you ignored him and now hes ignoring you – you both need to learn to communicate better
have you sat down to discuss finances/budgeting together? do you have some past body issues that he is concerned being triggered by the stress of the wedding? and are your parents often involved in your lives because i think the above is a big boundry crossed
once you guys have calmed down i hope can sort it out together – goodluck!
Post # 14
I think it is pretty rediculous he called your parents over an issue that was clearly between the two of you. He tattled on you to someone he hoped could get you under control. This is an issue that I would be pretty peeved about. You didn’t do anything wrong but checking out what WW is all about. Had you dropped $100 on food for WW and you guys are trying to save that would be different. There is definately a sit down talk needed and he should realize how rediculous he is acting.
Post # 15
Sounds like he was being a bit childish in calling your parents. I don’t think he should have done that…but that being said, I think he just needs a little time to cool down and then y’all need to have a chat. Maybe he just feels like you aren’t as dedicated to the saving process as he is. Just make sure that when you guys talk that you try to resolve the whole issue and not just part of it. Hear him out and make him hear you out. Money (or lack of it) is one of the leading problems in marriages.
Post # 16
Thanks everyone. I’ll give it a few days to blow over.
My FI and I are in the process of looking for a house. We haven’t found anything yet. We both live at home with our parents, we never go out to eat anymore. We have to say No to dinner dates with friends. I never buy lunch at work. Trust me, we are cutting corners.
I guess some people would call my FI a little on the cheapside.
I’m starting to feel like married life is going to be a challenge with money. I’m not a big spender but if I am going to get crucified for a trying to spend a little money on myself, I don’t think that is fair. How much money is too much to spend on yourself??