It's not about finding things to complain about tit-for-tat. It's about being receptive to your SO's needs, even if they aren't your needs as well. Sometimes you do things you don't necessarily feel like doing because it makes your SO happy and vice versa.
I would try to explain that to him.
@TexasSpringBride: in my relationship, fi is the cuddler and me...not so much. i cant sleep if hes spooning me. it may be because im restless and i change positions a bunch of times before i can settle (and cant do that with an arm around me). also, once im up im up...i dont like coming back to bed. no idea why
our compromise is we'll cuddle up to watch a film, or for a bit before we actually sleep...and then go to our sides of the bed and sleep seperately. do you have time to do that? its hard because he sleeps early and gets up early...and its hard lying in bed if you cant sleep so i get why you dont stay in bed
its hard, because these issues can seem really big when not dealt with. you need to try and talk to him in a gentle way. or, literally say "baby, come and cuddle for 5 mins?" or even "room on the couch for me?!" rather than comments like the dog one, as they come off passive aggressive/spoiling for a fight. im not criticising, honestly, as im a bit similar. and i tend to make comments in the heta of the moment that i regret!
neither DH nor I can sleep if we're cuddling/spooning in bed so we get all that out of the way while we're both awake... and then we sleep on our respective sides of the bed. I agree it's not about tit-for-tat but more about meeting what your SO/FI/H/W needs.
I agree with newname99. I am not a cuddler and I just gotten a little used it, but I cannot sleep with Fi wrapped around me and it makes me miserable. I think a fair compromise is perhaps having him be more affenction during the day, or when watching tv.
In the meantime I hope you are activily working on your issues with professional and perhaps you can ask them for better coping mechanisms.
Cuddling with someone who doesn't like isn't going to be any fun. I think you should lower your expectations, and your Fi has to make an hard effort to step it up and do it more often.
@newname_99: I do understand. I know it was in bad form and I immediately regretted it but we dont even cuddle on the couch because we have four kids that demand every waking moment we have before they go to bed. At night when he is ready to go to bed he goes to bed. He doesnt want to cuddle then cause he is tired. I know he is tired so I dont mind, but dammit on the weekends, do you have to rush out of the bed at 6 am instead of spending 5 minutes cuddling. He gets up early on saturdays to watch sportscenter.
Five minutes twice a month is all Im asking LOL!!!
@TwoCityBride: I know he isnt a cuddler and I get that. I dont want him to sleep cuddled next to me because I dont sleep well either. I just would like 5 minutes of cuddling twice a month that isnt leading to sex.
Is that so much to ask for? I never ever complain about it when I know he is dog tired because of work. I just would like to wake up one Saturday morning and not have him jump out of bed to go watch sportscenter and spend 5 minutes with his arms around me.
My biggest concern is his "if I don't complain, you shouldn't" - my ex used to do this and it ended up in me being the 'nagger' and him being the 'understanding one' except he became resentful of things I did that he didn't like, but wouldn't tell me that it bothered him. After we broke up, he unleashed a long list of things that bothered him throughout the entire relationship that we never discussed before. I was like.. derp!? lol
You should apologize to him for the WAY you brought up what bothered you, but emphasize the importance of open communication - if you don't tell him what you want/need, how will he know and vice versa? You aren't mind readers. Explain to him that you WANT him to come to you and tell you what bothers him because you want to fix it for him, just like he should want to fix it for you.
FH and I have completely different sleeping styles. He is restless, I sleep like I'm dead. I like to cuddle, he doesn't. I like it cool, he likes the room overheated. In the summer I like the windows open, he wants the AC on. So I decided to start sleeping in my old bed that's in the guest bedroom. FH didn't like the idea at first but I made it clear he could "visit my tepee" anytime he likes. We both sleep better now.
As for the cuddling issue, you can not make people into what you want. Sad but very true. Pick your battles.
I'm a morning person and FI is a night owl. He's definitely the cuddler out of the two of us, and he moans when I get up on Saturday mornings to clean the kitchen whilst he's asleep. He puts on his puppy dog eyes and says "why do you leeeeeeave me?" and then laughs and gets up. He's been known to call my phone one morning so I'd go back to bed and cuddle him while he's sleepy.
But going back to bed puts me in a terrible funk for the day. It's hard to explain but if I don't get up early I'm just not that productive and feel as though my day is being wasted.
To get around this, we get close on the sofa watching TV. A curl up to him and sometimes fall asleep on the sofa. This works well for the both of us!
It's tough if you're not the same, but remember you need to compromise for him, too! Try and find somewhere in the middle :)
@lookingglass: I feel like I do compromise though. I never ever bother him through the week because I know he gets up early in the morning and goes to bed really early. He is a soldier and I was to and I know what its like to not get the rest you need. I just feel like on Saturday morning instead of rushing out to watch sportscenter in the living room he could watch sportscenter on the television in our bedroom for like five minutes. Just cuddle me for a few minutes and let me know your getting up to go to the living room.
I never ever ask through the week because I know he needs rest. Is it to hard to give 5 minutes on a saturday or a sunday morning to cuddle me?
He has no problem cuddling when he wants sex so why cant he cuddle me just one morning for a few minutes without thinking sex is going to be involved.
So he does not complain...but gets resentful and builds up an arsensl to throw back at you later? How understanding of him!
My ex-common-law did that. I felt pretty blindsided near the end when he outlined a litany of issues that had bothered him over the years that he never told me about and then said it was too late to resolve them. Ugh.
My point is that you both need to communicate your needs and work together as a team to resolve issues. Sounds like when you or he bring up a need you are each going on the defensive and attacking back or getting nearsighted about yourself and not each other/the togetherness thing. You are on the same team (or should be!).
My husband is the cuddlier one in our relationship but there are also areas where I like more of something too. I cuddle with my husband as I know it is important to him and ultimately we both feel more connected. But we both work together. I am the one that gets up at 4:00am so I cuddle at night instead of the morning.
I am not sure what advice to give as you have told your FI you want to cuddle more and it seems he just refuses and attacks back. I do think some counseling may be in order if even a simple request raises that much pushback. There does appear to be some unhealthy communication (and non-communication) patterns here that need to be addressed. Cuddling is an incompatability that can probably be compromised on, but the bigger issue for me is the communication and approah to conflict/differences.
I feel for you because sometimes I feel like the only time I get some snuggling kissing affection is when I know he wants to have sex. I would love to just kiss and touch and know it's just that sometimes. Not always "you touch me and rub my shoulders and kiss me when you want to get laid". It's like can't a cuddle and a back rub or a kiss ever just be that? Does it always have to lead somewhere? Sometimes it makes me not want any of it, because it feels like there are always strings attached.
It's great to know he wants me all the time, but sometimes I just want a cuddle or a kiss.
Something is odd that he doesn't like to cuddle his FI, but he wants to cuddle his dogs.
It seems like he loves you very much but he can't cuddle. Is he generally not lovey-dovey?
Maybe it comes from whatever experiences he's had in the army. I always assumed that being in the army requires you to sort of numb yourself from your most tender emotions towards other humans (Since you may be required to kill them...obviously we're talking different people here, but still, all people-directed emotions could theoretically be affected). Also some guys are taught that it's unmanly to be vulnerable or cuddly or emotional. Was his dad distant maybe?
Overall my guess is that it's probably repressed. I don't know how he can let it out.
He actually cuddled me for a full hour this morning. I was so happy. No sex involved. He just rolled over and snuggled me for a while and I enjoyed it..
@TexasSpringBride: im glad everything got better, i guess he understood :)
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FI and I rarely argue about anything, except for me there is one thing. Im a cuddler, FI is not .
The only time he cuddles is when he knows he is about to get some sex, at night we dont spoon. I sleep on my side of the bed, he sleeps on his side of the bed.
Also FI is military and gets up really early in the morning, and he doesnt like to have his sleep interrupted. I get it, he goes to bed early and gets up at 4 am in the morning and needs his rest. So I dont have a problem with it. I on the other hand am not a sound sleeper. I roam, for lack of a better term, the house at night if Im restless and I dont stay in the bed when he is trying to sleep because I dont want to disturb his rest.
So this morning neither one of us had to get up early. I guess I would like for him to not get out of bed for 5 minutes and just cuddle me. Not a big deal Right???
So he gets up and lets the dogs out and they come back in but he doesnt come back to bed. I go to the living room and he is cuddled with the dogs. He said they were cold and needed to get warm. I got really ticked off and said well maybe I need to go outside and get cold so you will come cuddle me.
I regretted it the moment I said it, however he said well I dont get this double standard you have. I was like what double standard. FI says do I say anything when you leave the bed at night? I said honey I leave the bed so that I dont disturb you so you can get some rest. All I would like is a few minutes of cuddling. He said well it bothers me. Okay honey I will stay in the bed and hope that my heartburn, nightmares dont bother you.
I suffer post traumatic stress disorder from being in the army and from being abused in my previous marriage.
I said if me getting up bothers you then you should say something. I tell you all the time I want to cuddle sometimes. He says its a double standard and that since he isnt complaining I shouldnt be complaining either.
Instead of resolving the issue I left to go to work. Now we arent speaking to each other. I know its a stupid argument. I just feel like he doesnt get that occassionally I want to cuddle that isnt leading to sex. I dont need to cuddle all the time, just once in a blue moon.
Actually we had a conversation about this last night. A friend posted this funny pic on fb of people who dont spoon and they are at opposite sides of the bed and upside down. He was like look honey it looks like us. I said yeah Im getting used to it...sarcastically of course.
So there is my vent.