Post # 1
I’m really sad, kind of feel like I’ve already made a decision to end things, and struggling now. We live in a small 1 bedroom flat in London – there’s not really any space to avoid each other. I’ve talked about how I’m not sure he’s right for my future and had some great advice (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/not-sure-fi-is-right-person-for-my-future)
The more I think about this the more I feel that is true. (Another prime example: saturday night I told him I was thinking about ending the engagement and moving out while we were talking and at the time I was upset and crying – understandably. Sunday, he doesn’t bring up either of those things. And yesterday, he doesn’t bring them up. Finally last night I said ‘Isn’t there anything you want to talk about based on what I said Saturday night?’ And he talked about other stuff. If he had said those things to me I would have been devastated and so upset and wanting to talk about it – apparently he didn’t think I really meant them because i was upset. Or he just chose to ignore it or whatever. I have NEVER before said anything like that, it was a huge thing for me to say those things and he just didn’t take it in. And then I had to bring it up again to let him know that he may need to think about finding somewhere else to live. Anyway, just giving an example in case you’re wondering why I feel like we don’t work…)
I’d likefor us to be living separately so we can both think things through in our own space but that’s not really possible as we can’t afford it. If we move out we have to give two months notice and each find somewhere else to live. I’m just wondering how other bees dealt with living with their SO while it seems like you are breaking up? I don’t know what will happen between us, and I’m not feeling optimistic, but we still have to sleep next to each other every night (no sofa bed) and use the same living space. I don’t want us to avoid each other. But I don’t know how to be when I’m so sad. Also, I often work from home and go to the gym nearby so staying at a friend’s house doesn’t seem like it would work and anyway, I don’t want to feel like i can’t be in my own space with my own stuff.
(Goal for today: to not cry.)
Post # 3
um, anyone? i seriously need some bee lovin’ today….
Post # 4
I wish I had some advice to offer you 🙁
All I can say is that you are incredibly strong to have made the decision to take some time apart and look at things from a step back.
Spend as much time as you can outside of the house in the evenings – go out for drinks with friends, go see a theater show, stalk lastminute.com to see if there are any good deals on for the evenings! I wouldn’t see this as ‘avoiding him’, but more as taking some time out for you away from the flat.
If I still lived in the city I would absolutely welcome you into my home for some breathing space. Darling Husband and I have a spare room, but I don’t think you’d like to join us in our 2hr commute (each way) from Portsmouth every day 😉
Post # 5
🙁 I’m sorry to hear things aren’t working out. If you really think your relationship is ending, I think you should sit down together and have a mature discussion about sorting out your finances, giving notice, looking for room mates or moving back with family, splitting your joint stuff etc. You know you have at least 2 months before you can move out, so hopefully if you can handle the logistics without being too emotional, then you can grieve for your relationship separately. As far as being in the same space, try hanging out with friends more, hang back at work a bit, its a tough one but if you are still civil hopefully sharing a bed won’t be too bad.
Post # 6
I’m very sorry you are going through this. When a dear friend went through a breakup she moved into the spare room until she could get her own place. She simply couldn’t stand to be in the same apartment with him any longer.
Maybe you have a friend who can help you at during this time understanding that your ablity to contribute to her financially is very limited?
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. If you think things are heading towards splitting up, I would take steps now to figure out what you will do after you give notice. Do you have a friend or family member you could stay with temporarily? I would also reach out to friends and family for emotional support. It is clear that this potential break-up needs to be processed with someone you feel comfortable in confiding in, since it doesn’t appear he wants to discuss this with you. However, could he be avoiding it because he wants to stay together? Have you mentioned attending couple therapy with him? If he’s unwilling to go, a therapist might help you make some sense of your own emotions and experience so you can make a fresh start.
Good luck to you.
Post # 8
THANK YOU bees! We’re attending relationship counselling tonight – it’s our first session. When i booked it a couple of weeks ago it was with the hope we could improve our communication, now I think it may be more a case of figuring out how to end things as amicably as possible. He does want us to stay together – I guess for him, me being upset and crying, and being sad for over a year isn’t worth breaking up over… He’s great at avoiding things, and this is why I don’t want to be with him. This morning was the first time I’ve ever seen him sad. Ever. It was awful but that’s the difference – when I see him being sad about me I want to help him feel better, but when he sees me being sad about him he just goes into another room. I just cannot believe I’m thinking about ending things with the man I honestly wanted to spend my whole life with. I never thought this would happen. Oh god, must stop now otherwise I won’t reach my goal for today!
@peacheslea: thanks for the offer, but 2 hour commute doesn’t sound fun, you’re right! That is so very thoughtful though. i do have a potential house to move into, i just don’t want to start paying rent on two places but maybe i’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it as peace of mind is worth a few hundred pounds i guess. Maybe if I explain things to the future landlady she’ll be understanding as I’ve lived there before and she was really nice.
@Roux: i am nervous about discussing finances – he owes money to our joint account, and most of the furniture we have I paid for myself. But i guess this is stuff we can talk about with the counsellor tonight.
Post # 9
Here’s what he’s thinking: Well she’s never said anything like that before. Why would she say that now? Doesn’t make any sense. I guess she’s not serious but is just frustrated about something or other. She’ll eventually come around. I’ll just let her continue with her shenanigans because I am not sure what I can say or if I even need to say anything to stop her silliness. Better keep my mouth shut if I don’t know how to help the situation.
As for leaving the flat, why do you both need to leave? One of you can stay and one can leave so you don’t have to wait for that 2 mths notice. Is it really that unaffordable on 1 salary? (I am not sure how much London flats cost… Sorry!)
Post # 10
I don’t know. Kinda sounds like you’re more upset you didn’t make him freak out by telling him you think things should be over. Maybe he’s not showing too much emotion because he agrees with you?
Post # 11
I think moving out sooner rather than later would be a good plan. Fi and I broke up our first year of dating, and after 2 months of being apart, we got back together and started to get to know eachother again. I think it made us stronger as a couple. It will definitely be better for your mental health too.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry this is happening. I would cry all day.
If you have a spare room, maybe you could move your things into there for a while and just get some breathing room. Since you are going to counseling, perhaps you can stay where you are for now, but start looking for places that you can possibly afford in case you decide that this is not working. Just start putting together a plan B, in case you need it. Do you have any friends? Any extra money saved or anything you can sell for a deposit on another home?
Post # 13
I was in a similar situation with my ex. We broke up but couldn’t afford to live on our own and we only had three months left on our lease… We had a two bedroom though, so things were a bit easier and I worked a lot…
However I can tell you that living together will NOT be good for the two of you. It will just make things worse. I had started seeing someone and my ex got really mad I guess, even though we had been breaking up slowly for seven months, when the relationship ended I had already moved on, I was over it but apparently he wasn’t. We had a rule that we couldn’t have people of the opposite sex over to our apartment out of respect for the other one. I complied and always went and visited my new guy (my now fi actually) at his place… Well after going out of town with him I come back to the joint apartment to get some things to spend the night at the new guys place and there are two girls in our apartment, ex is not there but these girls are in HIGH SCHOOL! I was livid. I moved out the next day and took all of my things (which was basically everything, he only had a bed) and temporarily moved in with the new guy unil I could afford my own place. I ended up getting a part-time job ontop of my full time job so I could afford to get my own place and still pay half the rent and utilities.
I worked the part time job for about 3 months and then the lease was up and I went back to my old schedule. I had my own place (with two roommates) and my sanity was restored. But the seven months that we lived together while we were breaking up were aweful, don’t put yourself through it. Part ways and maybe you can salvage any sort of friendship or just civility ya’ll might have. To this day I can’t see my ex without my blood starting to boil… Don’t let that happen to you.
Post # 14
It might be hard at first, and you might be tempted to spend a lot of time with him, but you need time to just “be you”, not half of a unit. You’ll also start to appreciate your time with him a little more.
Post # 15
Sorry you’re going through this… Honestly, this is why I think in some situations it’s better to get all your ducks in a row before announcing the breakup; aka: figure out a plan.
Can you go sleep at a friend’s or relative’s place for a little bit? Does he have that option? What about a hotel? I just can’t imagine sharing a bed with an ex.
Look for a new place asap, even if it means living on a tighter budget. Breathing room is worth it. Good luck!
Post # 16
Hmm I wish that I had good advice for you, but never being in this situation myself it is hard. So I will try my best. First I hope that your conceling session goes well. Im hoping you can sort some things out there. Then I think that you need to start looking for a place seperately. Saving to move, and giving your current place ample notice before you move. It will be a hard move, but I think that living together right now probably isnt the best idea. I hope you two get everything figured out!