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So I'm posting anonymously. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a regular poster. I comment every once in awhile, and I lurk basically all the time, but you probably don't know me. I hope that's OK, because I really need support.
Here's the situation: last night, my FI asked me to lose weight. Before everyone freaks out about this, I think this part is PERFECTLY FINE. I am a strong believer in staying healthy and attractive for your SO, and I WANT to know if I'm beginning to look unattractive to him. I really, really don't want to start drama over whether or not it's OK to ask your SO to lose weight. Please don't focus on this part, because I'm not upset about that.
But last night? Was ten days before our wedding. And I've been freaking out ever since because there's no way I'm going to lose ten pounds in the next nine days. Not even if I just don't eat at all for the next nine days, which obviously wouldn't be healthy.
When FI and I first got together, I was 5'5" and 152 pounds. I lost weight quickly early on in the relationship, and for about a year I was down to somewhere between 130 and 135. But when my grandma died last September, I gained a little over ten pounds, and I haven't been able to lose it. I've been hovering around 145 ever since.
I'm not happy with my body, and I'd love to be around 130 or 135 again. I am completely fine with losing weight, and I think I need to. But we're getting married in 9 days, and I'm really upset about the fact that he felt like NOW was the time to tell me he's unhappy with my body. I can't change it very much before the wedding, and I want to feel beautiful on my wedding day. It'll be pretty much the most important (and DEFINITELY most photographed) day of my life so far, and I don't want to spend it knowing that FI would really prefer it if I were about ten pounds lighter.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I know he's still attracted to me, and I know he thinks I'm beautiful. He tells me all the time. He just thinks I look a little sexier when I'm a little thinner, and he picked a really bad time to tell me he wants me to lose weight. He doesn't expect me to lose it before the wedding, and he's absolutely thrilled to marry me no matter what. I'm the only one putting pressure on myself to look better before the wedding. Please don't think he's a bad guy for this, because he's not. I just don't know what to do or how to take this, because while I'm completely fine with losing these stubborn ten pounds over the next few months, I don't know how to feel about myself in the meantime. I know it sounds awful, but I just need to be reminded that I'm NOT fat, and he's not going to spend our wedding day wishing that I'd been able to lose the weight. He's going to be happy to marry me, and he's going to think I look beautiful. Right?
Please, bees, help me out. Give me a little encouragement, and make me feel better about this instead of depressed that I can't fix it before my wedding.
Sorry. I'm going to focus on what you don't want me to (because I think it's what you don't want to hear).
#1. It's not okay for your FI to tell you/ask you to lose weight. It's only okay if there's a health issue and your life is at stake, at which case it's okay for him to express his concern you may be hurting yourself if you don't lose weight. Not simply that he "likes you better" when you're thinner.
#2. Is it possible you feel selfconscious due to the fact you know he judges you based on a 10lb difference in weight. Life is too long to worry about your weight fluctuating a few pounds here and there.
#3. 10 days before the wedding, is not a time frame when you should be stressed out even more by someone who loves you about something like this! I think it's rude and hurtful.
I'm sorry but the only dieting tip (is that what you're looking for?) I can give you would be to seriously consider the extra 180 pound man you're marrying.
I could understand if you had gained 100 pounds, but 10 pounds? He mentions this right before the wedding?
Does he think his body will never change or something? Does he realize that you're a person and that real people sometimes gain weight?
I'm sorry, but I think this sounds really bad. What's next after you marry him? He thinks you're sexier when you've just had your nails done? Doesn't want to see you in sweatpants? Picks at you for having some ice cream?
@lola2011: Honestly I really wanted to write something like this but was sitting here trying to figure out HOW to write it.
Honestly, I am just so shocked by reading this. When I first found out I was pregnant with my daughter, the POS I was with told me he was sad that he never got to see me skinny before I had a baby. I cried for so long because of this comment. Like I mentioned, he is a POS.
Anyways, I think what he did was wrong. It was EXTRA wrong to do it 10 days before your wedding.
Your FI sounds inconsiderate and selfish. Whether I focus on what you'd like or not, in either situation, that's totally douchey.
OK, several things come to mind when reading this
a) I don't think he's a jerk at all...if anything I think it's great that you two can talk to one another so openly and honestly. From what you're saying it doesn't at all sound like he was mean-spirited, or trying to hurt your feelings...it is just an unfortunate consequence that he did.
b)You said yourself that he started dating you when you were ven heavier than you are now....which means he was attracted to you int he first place, so I don't think you should feel like you are unattractive. As a not-really, but kinda related example, my FI hates it when I dye my hair dark, but I like it dark so I wear it that way anyways...it's not that he htinks I'm unattractive this way, he just prefers me blonde. Like you said, he still thinks you're beautiful, and no matter what you weigh you will be the most beautiful to him on your wedding day: REMEMBER THAT
c)Like you said, you won;t be able to lose all the weight you want to before the wedding: but what I always find makes me feel best is to work out, and eat right....you might not lose a single ounce (or you might lose a few-which would be great, and probably help you feel better), but I think knowing you are taking care of yourself just makes you feel better (or at least it does for me)
Don't be upset, and don't feel bad....every bride is gorgeous (cliche, but true), and as you're walking down the aisle the LAST thing anyone will be thinking is "oh, if she'd only lost that extra 3 pounds".
And I know you turned to the hive for support and I know many of us here want to support you. So please dont take any of this as an attack.
But, if your daughter was a dating a man who said this to her when your FI said this to you, how would you view that? It really feels like a stab to your self esteem.
I would suggest talking to him about how it made you feel. Sometimes people don't think before they speak and I really hope this was one of his times.
This happened to my niece. The sad part was that her fiance needed to lose weight even more than she did. Maybe you are a bit overweight, but nowhere near obese. Bad timing on FI's part. You shhould be concentrating on wedding prep - not losing weight to appease him!
I hate to... but I have to agree with the previous poster (lola2011). I hate to, because you asked us not to - not because I don't think she's right. Shame on him.
Your FI should love you no matter what you weigh... unconditionally. Asking you to lose weight isn't okay. Not when you're not obese and there's no health concerns. That's sort of like asking a balding man to wear a toupee... because you find hair more attractive. He needs to be considerate, too, of the fact that you're getting married in a very short period of time and putting this on you now is almost cruel.
Take it from someone who was formerly anorexic, and is now only starting to learn to love my body the way it is (I'm 5'8", 150 pounds and I still freak out about it now and then)... no one should determine how you look but -you-... and no one should make you feel inferior because of their opinion of you.
I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or that he doesn't love you or that you should broom the man... but you should tell him how it's made you feel.
PP made some good points - what happens if you have children? You will likely not have the same body post-baby, does that change how he feels about you?
My feeling though, is that he is not really a shallow person. He is a guy. He's a guy who said something stupid without thinking about the fact that it is 10 days before your wedding, you are under stress, already knew you that you didn't love the way you looked and really didn't need the most important person in her life pointing out something that you can't change in 10 days.
I don't know what your dress looks like, but I would guess that the 10lbs won't make a difference in your pictures. You are getting married to the man you love- you will be so happy that's all you should see in your pictures. How beautiful your smile is, the joy on both your faces, and of course how awesome you'll look in your dress :)
My advice? Hit him over the head and tell him to think about things like that before he says them!
boys are stupid. Plain and simple. He probably wasn't thinking about how far away the wedding was. He was just communicating with you how he was feeling.
Before everyone goes and jumps down your throat about exactly what you dont want them to do... how did he ask you? Was he nice about it at least?
My FI and I have talked about the fact that if we are getting unhealthy, lazy, etc that we will talk to eachother about it and not be offended. Which it sounds like you arent offended just worried about looking great on your wedding day. I think its good that you guys can communicate like that!
Maybe talk to him about how it made you feel? I am sure he will apoligize about the timing. I also think you will look stunning on your wedding day. Brides always have that glow to them. It will be great!!
girl, there is nothing you can do about now so i have three suggestions:
1. enjoy a healthy low carb/low SUGAR/8 cups of water a day diet for the next 9 days to reduce bloating.
2. buy some spanks
3. go hang out with your girlfriends and repair your self-esteem QUICKLY or it will be a dangerzone!! enjoy your big day.
i definitely think it was shitty timing on his part. other than that, i'm not going to judge him.
please talk to him about this and ask him the questions you asked us. of course he's going to be happy to marry you and will think you're beautiful - but i think you need to hear those words from him.
I agree with some of what the previous poster has said. My FI is helping me to lose weight (like he pays for my weight watchers but only because he knew I wanted to go but couldn't afford to right now because I'm in grad school). He started dating me when I was at my heaviest weight ever, over 270 pounds and HE never made me feel self-conscious or insecure...only I did that to myself. In the past year, the FI has dropped 70 pounds himself and is now in the 150s...I'm still over 200 pound but he never makes me feel bad about it, and honestly, though you say you're okay with him telling you this other than timing, your post hints otherwise. So maybe you don't want me to focus on it, but maybe because I struggle with my own weight, I can't help it. I NEED to lose weight because I am a type II diabetic and it runs in my family. After losing 25 pounds so far, my health is so much better.
What wil you do if this is the weight at which your body wants to stay? I wish you luck in losing your ten pounds, but what if you can't for some unknown reason? Are you going to be okay with knowing your FH doesn't think you're as sexy as you can be? I think you putting on 50 pounds or more would be something to be concerned about, but 10? The stress he's adding to your already stressful time could make you GAIN weight.
If he thinks you're beautiful, why doesn't he think you're beautiful at any weight? My fiance says to me, "I would love you at 150 or 800 pounds. As long as you're healthy, I love you no matter what. But I want you to be happy about your weight." Because he's knows I'm not happy or healthy at this weight.
I'm not sure what to tell you....but I couldn't not speak either.
His timing was bad but, he's a man and is not perfect.
He loves you and unfortunately blurted this out 10 days before the wedding.
It will be really hard not to focus on this but you have to try to let it go for now and just enjoy all that is going on in the next few weeks.
I disagree with a pp about SO's speaking up abouit weight. More of us need to learn to be honest about giving feedback and open to recieving it-just not 10 days before the wedding. We could support each other in remaining healthy.
10 pounds on your frame is not a lot-you are not obese- you are not even fat.
Forgive him, love him,marry him.
The smile on your face will be the thing everyone notices. Your pictures will be beautiful.
can you explain to us the context of how the weight issue came up in the conversation? because I think there is a time and place and a way that an SO should be able to "remind" or maybe encourage their partners weight loss goals, without being the bad guy. But if he just came right out and said HEY YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT then that would be a bit odd.
@julies1949: you worded it way better than me!
"Forgive him, love him,marry him." - Exactly!!
I'm not going to rip on your FI. I've gained and lost 30 pounds about 4 times in the past, and the last time I lost, I told my FI I wanted it to be the last time. I begged him to help me make healthier choices, and I told him to keep me honest as far as the scale goes. He told me he'd help because he cares about health, not about what I look like. He started dating me when I was 30 pounds heavier, so I know he finds me attractive no matter what my weight.
Anyway, men are NOTORIOUS for their awful timing. He probably just noticed and thought he should say something and didn't even consider the fact that your wedding is in 10 days. Men are also easily able to lose 10 pounds in 10 days because of their higher levels of testosterone, while women struggle. He might have thought he was helping.
Try to eat healthier for the next week before your wedding and you'll feel better inside and out. Try to cut processed foods and eat "clean." This means eating as many foods as you can as close to their natural form as possible. Drink lots of water and work up a sweat every day, and you'll feel better.
With all of that being said, I'm sure LOOK beautiful! I just want to help you FEEL better! When you feel better, you automatically look better!
Don't worry about it! 10lbs is nothing and you're going to still be a beautiful bride!
I believe that this man is great! So many men aren't honest with their partners/wives. You are marrying someone who is going to be open and honest with you and I think that's worth a lot. He said that because he's a (stupid) guy and guys don't understand the agony that women have over their weight.
I'm sorry he was inconsiderate.
Hmm, I'm going to go against the grain here and agree with you that talking to your SO about their weight and fitness is okay in my books. It's all in how you bring it up, and while I love my FI madly and he loves me there is definitely still something to be said for physical attraction. At least I think so. That said, 10 pounds is kind of negligible!
Anyways, yes, 10 days before your wedding was downright cruel. He deserves a smack upside the head. I think men can be thick about these things sometimes, I bet he isn't half as stressed out about the wedding as you are right now. At any rate, I think that if he is allowed to tell you this that you are also allowed to turn around and say "You know what? That's cool, I even agree with you, but telling me this 10 days before the wedding is really unfair. The timing of this is really hurting me." Yeah, he can't take it back, but at least if you lay it out for him like that you'll be putting him in his place a a bit.
Chin up. You'll look beautiful!
@sara_tiara: I totally agree, especially with point c. It's never too late to start eating healthy and exercising, and that will make you feel better, even if you don't see a difference in the next 10 days.
I'm not going to comment on the fact that your FI said this, because it doesn't seem like that's the issue here.
this makes me sad. I totally agree with the previous posters...he should not have said that..EVER...especially NOW...and it definitely invites questioning as to what kind of person he is...
BUT. we don't know him, and you do. if you don't think it was malicious and you think he is a good person who loves you for you, not for your appearance or a number on the scale...then it is definitely possible that he was just being stupid and a dumb remark slipped out.
You're at a healthy weight for your height and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You are going to be absolutely gorgeous on your wedding day.
if you feel like you WANT to lose a couple pounds (which honestly, I don't think you need to) I would suggest to him that both of you try to eat healthier and exercise together. As in.."we're trying to live a healthier lifestyle post wedding"..vs. you trying to lose weight for someone. If he's not interested in that...I would have some doubts before the wedding and try to talk to someone before I went through with it.
@sara_tiara: I totally agree with your points but I want to mention here (not to threadjack) but honestly, when I see a lady who is 5'5" saying she needs to lose weight at that size, it makes me wonder what exactly our society has come to. I am that height and that weight and I'm a size 6. I am lean. I've been 135 and honestly I thought I looked too skinny. Hmmm..., maybe it's cultural. I'm African. Good luck with your upcoming wedding OP.
How did this even come up?
Did he just un-prompted say, "Hey you need to lose weight."? Or were you discussing your weight/asking his opinion?
As someone who has MAJOR body image problems, mostly due to both my parents consistently telling me that I need to lose weight, go on a diet, or I'd "look so much better if I just lost 10-15 lbs". This type of commentary from those you love can be emotionally scarring. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food as well because of this.
Any change you make to your body should be done for you, not for someone else. It is your body and your choices. You need to be happy with yourself first.
You have enough to deal with in the next 9 days with the wedding looming. Just take care of yourself in that time and decide afterward if losing this weight is really something YOU want to do, or if you'd only be doing it for him.
I'm also, like other PP's, sad this happened. I am really upset that your fiance thought it was ok to say this to you, 10 days before your wedding. I mean, obviously, you noticed your own weight gain, and obviously it is something you have thought about. I am your height, and your weight, and I understand how that last 10 lbs can be. But my fiance would never, ever say anything to me about my weight, not now, and definitely not 10 days before my wedding.
I'm happy that you think you are okay with this, but by you writing a post about it, I really think the underlying issue is the comment on your weight, not the fact that he said it 10 days before your wedding.
Thank you all so much for your responses. I can appreciate the fact that many of you don't agree with him asking me to lose the weight. Honestly, I get it. I know it sounds bad. I was worried when I posted that a thread like this would provoke the kinds of responses that it did, and although I tried to shift the focus, I knew it would probably happen.
I know we'll have to agree to disagree on whether or not it's OK to ask your SO to lose weight. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to defend FI and the relationship we have, because he's a WONDERFUL man who thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous. But I know it won't be productive, and like I said, I want to focus on the positive part.
I'm happy about losing the ten pounds I need to. I think I look GREAT at around 135, and I'm excited to have the body I loved back. For the first time in my adult life, when I hit 130, I bought a bikini. I'm happy that he's given me the motivation to change something I've been unhappy about for the past eight months, and I know he's going to be incredibly supportive while I work on my emotional eating issues.
But yeah, I'm really afraid that I won't look my best on our wedding day, and I'm upset that he chose now to bring it up. I know I need to talk to him about it, and I will tonight. But it's been a long, rough day today, and I just needed a little bit of reassurance and support. I promise I'm listening to the posts about what a shallow jerk he is, and I understand those of you who think so. All I can tell you is that I truly believe in open, honest communication, and I want to be as attractive to FI as he is to me, because I think he's gorgeous and incredibly sexy. I'm just scared because my wedding's coming up, and I really feel like I let us both down.
Thank you to everyone who has understood, and thank you to all of you who DON'T understand as well. You're all wonderful girls. :)
Ok first off, you are more than ok on the weight scale- I get it, I am def NOWHERE near the weight I was when my FI and I met and I hate it. However, you are not happy with your weight, which is what matters.
I may not look like one now that I sit everyday sedentary in the corporate world, but I am also a personal trainer. I am going to give you a totally professional perspective on this since the other girls covered the emotional.
You have 10 days. If you want to drop some before the wedding (be careful about the dress fitting correctly too!) Cut out all carbs immediately, drink a TON of water and work out first thing in the morning (eat something small before and have a glass of water!) and at night. Always do weight training first then do cardio. Do not kill yourself over this, it will only help you to lose 5 lbs, 7 TOPS. Eat lean proteins, watch your sugar intake and eat lots of veggies. Do not, by any means stop eating- I know this goes without being said but you are going to be super stressed anyway right now and you need fuel.
This "diet" will not help you to maintain a lower weight, cutting carbs never does work long term but for the 10 days, if you are really set on losing, then go for it.
In all honesty, you are at a very healthy weight right now, so don't put that pressure on yourself. He will think you are the most beautiful person in the world on your wedding day regardless of what he said now.
@secretbee ... after reading your second post, I understand a little bit more about what you're saying. And I can sympathize with you because I too have emotional eating issues.
Oh and the increased exercise will help keep stress levels lower for the wedding!!! :) Good luck pretty lady, you'll be beautiful no matter what!
Sorry for all the posts- make sure you are taking fiber supplements as well as a multi-vitamin! This will keep everything running smoothly in your body!!!
Sorry for all the posts- make sure you are taking fiber supplements as well as a multi-vitamin! This will keep everything running smoothly in your body!!!
From what you've said, it sounds like it really is just bad timing. My guess is that he sees how unhappy you are about not being 130-135, and maybe he thought that by saying you needed to lose weight or agreeing that you need to lose weight (I'm not sure how it came up) would somehow make you feel better. For me personally, when I complain that I want to lose 5-10 pounds, I would love for my FI to say something like "I do too! Let's work on it together!"
I would suggest eating healthy foods and drinking a lot of water in the next 9 days. You can lose 2-3 pounds between now and then, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself. If you feel better, you'll look better on your wedding day and it will show in the pictures.
Overall, just remember that you will be beautiful on your wedding day, no matter what! =)
My husband met me at about the weight I am now, he loved me about 20 pounds heavier, and on our wedding day after I lost only 10 of the 30 pounds I wanted to before the wedding he still says I was the most beautiful woman he's seen on our wedding day. And then I gained back 10 on our honeymoon. Your FI will love you on your wedding day and will think you are the most beautiful woman on the planet, no matter what you weigh, no matter what you wear, because you are the woman he loves and his brand new wife, because you are you, extra 10 pounds or not.
And my husband tells me frequently that I need to be healthier (in my head that is immediately translated to thinner - which is really what he does mean). And it stings a little, but he does it because he wants me around to pester him for a very very long time and can't bear the thought of losing me like he has lost others to health issues. Which makes me understand better where he's coming from.
1. Boys are stoopid sometimes; kick him in the shin and say hey! next time youre going to say something like that, do it AFTER the huge event.
2. Losing 10 pounds isn't probable, but possible. Think of this though- will your dress still fit? That's taking away a bit and personally, I would rather make the gown look perfect than being a shade skinner.
3. Yay, your day is almost here!!!! An early congrats from me!
Also, for those of you who have asked, here's how it came up:
We've been trying to eat healthier, but after dinner I started talking about how much I wanted some cereal. (I got these amazing new Frosted Mini Wheats with fruit filling!) He seemed a little irritated, and I asked him what he was wrong. He told me that he's just upset because I constantly complain about how I've gained weight, but I can't seem to control myself and do the right things when we're supposed to be eating healthier. I tried to sympathize, because I know I can be the worst when I'm complaining about my weight, but I really, really wanted that cereal, so I had some anyway.
Afterwards, I talked to him and told him that I was sorry for being obnoxious. I know I have a terrible relationship with my body and food, and I just haven't been able to keep it together lately. And I know he's sick of hearing me whine and then not do anything about it. He said that he thinks I'm beautiful, and he still finds me incredibly attractive, but he does want me to lose the weight. He felt really bad about it, and he asked me a couple of times if it was really OK that he said that. I told him that it was, because it IS, and I'm glad he was honest with me. It was just the TIMING that was awful.
I wish he'd waited until after the honeymoon to say that, but to be honest, I probably would have eaten tons of fattening food on the honeymoon, only to come home and start complaining about how now I have FIFTEEN or TWENTY pounds to lose. So it's probably for the best. I'm just freaking out in the meantime and probably won't feel completely comfortable until I've lost the weight. Which I won't be able to do before the wedding. Which is why I'm upset.
Girllllll I am right there with you!!!! I b*tch and b*tch about how much weight I've gained and I know it is because I love all the foods that are bad for me and have a control problem! Like you said, the timing wasn't very good but I think you'll feel better if you do something over the next week, esp working out- even just a 30 min walk.
@secretbee678: Ok. I can see why he brought it up. My FI would say something similar because he and I have talked a LOT about the issues I have with food, my body, and self esteem.
I think he is saying it because he KNOWS you are not happy with yourself and wants to encourage you to be better. He saw you do something he KNOWS is self sabotage (I have a thing for late night cereal too), so he talked to you about it right away when it was fresh.
I got a LOT of good advice here, it might help you as well:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-keep-self-sabotaging-and-i-dont-know-why
YOu can't lose that kind of weight in 9 days and actually be able to enjoy your wedding or at least keep the weight off. But you CAN start eating healthier immediately and maybe lose a couple pounds and feel better on your wedding day. It's never too late, even if you start ON your wedding day.
Anyway, if you're okay with FI asking you to lose weight, then just do it. Use him asking as motivation to stick to a healthy eating schedule and not cheat. My DH doesn't ask me to lose weight, but I KNOW he prefers me thinner, so that serves as my motivation to maintain. I prefer myself thinner and I know DH does too (even thought he wouldn't ever admit it) so that's all the motivation I need.
I have had that same type of convo come up.... wehere I want to eat something and he knows I wanna lose weight so he will say something about it, or give me this look like "you know you shouldnt be eating that"
Like I said though, we openly communicate about these things, and yea it sucked for him to be like "you shouldn't be eating that" hes only going off of what I say anyway.
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